Categories
Politics

Trump declares war on poverty

Trump put on a worn pair of reading glasses Wednesday morning, spun his favorite Mozart track La Climenza de Tito, and sat down with a legal pad at the head of a conference room table in the West wing of the White House. There, he met with professors of Harvard economics and sociologists from MIT, who presented solutions to a “quieted, attentive President Trump.”

In a sudden tonal shift, insiders say President Trump said little throughout the day, until finally the presentations were over, and Trump had time to look over his notes from the day’s hours-long meetings with intellectuals and poverty experts from every field of governance.

President Trump listened carefully as experts explained the complex arrangement of political and economic forces perpetuating cycles of poverty.
President Trump listened carefully as experts explained the complex arrangement of political and economic forces perpetuating cycles of poverty.

“This is a tough job,” Trump said. “Wow. I never thought I’d say this, but being a good statesman is one of the toughest jobs in the world – a job President Obama did with dignity and care – and today I do not come to you to brag about how far I’ve come, but to say I am humbled by how far we have yet to go.”

Trump listened carefully as representatives from Southern Poverty Law Center described the multitudes of poor workers affected by sweeping policy change.

Over the course of several hours, experts and philanthropists educated the President using charts, graphs and condensing decades of research into a crash course on socioeconomic struggle of the shrinking middle class and impoverished workers, who predominantly occupy the South.

“Trump only interrupted once,” said Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, fellow at the American Institute of Philanthropy, “and he had a very good question. He wanted to know why people who work so many different jobs have little to no savings, and what he could do to repair the post-industrial South. His constructive, erudite tone fostered a creative, solution-oriented approach to complex issues.”

Sad!

Trump, who said he is writing a memo to congress addressing problems of impoverished, working class Americans, wants to see more focus on education and said he will soon host a symposium at the White House where NAFTA leaders and foreign trade specialists can discuss solutions and funding to America’s opium-soaked Southern underbelly, bringing jobs, trade and health services to the region.

“Just opposing the CIA – which I have attempted to do – isn’t the only thing that made Kennedy great,” Trump said. “And I, too, need to do more for people of color, and the beautiful women who – even though they voted for crooked Hillary – deserve access, as all human beings do, to specific family and health services.”

Categories
Politics

Americans ripped from fantasy world ‘like babies from a womb’:

ROANOKE, Va. — FBI agents claim two stoned American white men were “ripped like babies from a womb” following Tuesday’s election results.

Investigators who have been working on the case since Wednesday said the men appeared paranoid and terrified, as if they had seen some horrible aspect.

troubadour-delivers-baby

“It was like they were just seeing the world for the first time,” the agent said. He called it “the 9/11 of their time” – a point of reference in their timeline of social consciousness beyond which no innocence can be returned.

One of the guys was passed out in police custody, because he’s a pot-smoking CRIMINAL, but the other one was cool because he didn’t have weed on him, so he told Internet Chronicle how his world view changed:

I thought we’d come farther than this, man. I actually really thought we had come so far, we could get a career criminal elected into office over Archie Bunker. Turns out, I was wrong about a lot of things. Next time, I’m voting with my heart: I’m going Gary Johnson. Now he has a plan!

“They’ll never forget how they remembered America’s paranoid, racist history extending as far back as the 1970s, when white nerds killed disco, for which we have already apologized profusely.” federal agent Smith said. “Nor will they forget how flimsy a candidate can be, who deletes subpoenaed emails on command for her corporate power-lords.”

Internet Chronicle linguistics analyst and hate philosopher Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour believes in front loading attribution, and that blatant misuse of language itself led to the seemingly eternal crisis of political misunderstanding between the so-called Left and so-called Right.

“The words ‘liberal’ and ‘conservative’ don’t even have denotations anymore. They mean what people want them to mean,” Troubadour said. “These words are to be avoided at all cost.”

makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money’s for the words.

[Editor’s note: Remember Trump’s CRAZY response when the 60 Minutes lady asked him how many more tax dollars would be spent drone striking weddings?]

Categories
Politics

New Wikileaks emails confirm Clinton brass ‘twiddled the knobs’ of DNC outcome

Julian Assange is back online. Photo: Wikileaks
Julian Assange is back online. Photo: Wikileaks

LONDON–Julian Assange’s oldest love of “crushing bastards” could soon include “crushing bitches” too, after new documents released by Wikileaks show collusion between Hillary Clinton, Clinton Foundation administrators, and Democratic National Committee treasurers.

Everyone but Lee Iacocca has their money on Clinton, given that even weapons manufacturers stand to gain from a Clinton presidency – unphased by her perceived challenges to small arms rights – because she is better known in the military tech world as “the enabler,” a hopeful puppet of military profit strategy.

A leaked Boeing email calls Clinton “a real drone saleswoman,” adding, “This broad could sell airline tickets to birds.”

Clinton’s subtle nods to drone warfare expansion promise a new cycle of state and civil terrorism.

Lockheed-Martin stocks show signs of growth after a group of American war machine investors bet on a permanent battleground for our children and grandchildren. And that’s just the subject line.

The body of the texts is damning indeed. You won’t believe the sins!

File Photo: Hillary Clinton shows dominance by gnashing her teeth.
File Photo: Hillary Clinton shows dominance by gnashing her teeth at a voter.

“Hillary’s a dead ringer,” Trump told CNN on Thursday. “She’s a puppet of the anti-gun liberal hippies, and oh, did I mention she’s a crook? You want a guy like me, who’s a puppet pretending to be against everything she is. I’m the guy you want. And, do I need to say it? She’s a woman. And I think I’ve made myself clear how I feel about women. Nobody respects women more than me.”

Clinton reassured everyone that she is for guns, and for war, and that nothing in the emails suggests she played any significant role in the corruption of the Democratic National Committee, nor does she have any inappropriate ties to Wall Street not already explained by her daughter’s three million dollar wedding. Clinton went so far as to double down on what FOX News pundits referred to as ‘weak rhetoric’ by slamming Putin with promises of a No Fly Zone over Syria, enhanced by a first-strike tactical nuclear option.