Categories
Health

CDC knowingly let Ebola carrier travel: patient says US Gov. intentionally exposed Americans to deadly virus

NSA ‘second leaker’ says American CDC complicit in ‘conspiracy’ to spread Ebola virus. Former NSA contractor Edward Snowden confirmed the existence of a second leaker in September but said he acted alone.
NSA ‘second leaker’ says American CDC complicit in ‘conspiracy’ to spread Ebola virus. Former NSA contractor Edward Snowden confirmed the existence of a second leaker in September but said he acted alone.

DALLAS—As Ebola blooms in the United States, leaked emails suggest an insidious scheme to facilitate its spread throughout the nation.

Chilling new documents describe a real-life nightmare scenario intentionally unleashed on American citizens by the very agencies in whom we place our trust.

An aide to a health official who spoke on condition of anonymity has already confirmed the American Center for Disease Control, or CDC, are complicit in a state bioterrorism plot to unleash #Ebola on the American people. But how far does the conspiracy go?

Alana Horowitz reported Dallas Ebola patient Amber Vinson said the CDC directly gave her explicit permission to fly, fully aware of her condition ahead of time. She came into contact with more than 120 people and an entire staff of nurses at the Dallas hospital.

The hospital recently released a report noting that they are “underprepared” for an epidemic, yet the CDC waited three days to send hospital staff proper protective suits. Still, because hospital staff did not know how to properly remove and decontaminate the suits, the virus was allowed to spread.

Another patient spoke directly to CDC officials, who were aware of his condition, and they told him to sit outside in the waiting room with at least 30 other patients. He spent four hours moving around freely while health officials knew he had the disease.

Inside sources have already hinted that there are at least 12 new cases of Ebola the media has not yet reported, because they under federal orders not to say anything until the CDC can verify the virus has had enough time to spread.

As for why they would do it, there is no clear answer yet. Dr. Angstrom H. Trebolda, Assistant Director of the Hazmonic Health Institute in Colorado, said the CDC could be conducting open-air experiments to see how the public reacts to epidemics, or it could be a scare tactic to justify a growing need for FEMA expansion and domestic militarization.

“I think they want to know just what might happen,” Trebolda said. “It almost makes you mad our government would even consider this. They are shit-testing us with this Tuskegee experiment mentality, but we are human beings. Many people still don’t have health care, but there’s no profit to be made from curing the disease. It is a wide open experiment.”

President Obama has already ordered SWAT raids on Ebola patients and their families in Akron, Ohio, where the disease was confirmed Wednesday.

CHRONICLE.SU UPDATE – [EDITOR’S EDITION]: FOX NEWS’ SHEP SMITH COOPERATING WITH GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY TO HARM ITS OWN PEOPLE. SHEP SHAMES HIS OWN STATION:

Ebola panic is ‘not worth ratings … and we all need to stop it’ (click image for full story)

FOX NEWS Shep Smith says Ebola coverage a ‘waste of time and panic.’
FOX NEWS Shep Smith says Ebola coverage a ‘waste of time and panic.’
Categories
Health

Ebola Goes Viral

INTERNET—Ebola memes flooded across the internet Monday, staggering the net’s very infrastructure as the phenomenon stepped up three levels of magnitude and “went viral.” From cleverly captioned grim images of death by hemorrhagic fever, to a spine-chilling anime character known as “Ebola Chan,” pestilential humor on “white twitter” wallowed and chirped in its natural state of racist white pride and its characteristic schadenfreude, and then, as if mad with guilt, certain white radicals called each other out for rubbing noses with a man who tattooed a swastika on his chest. Impassable bridges were burned in an offering for the distant sufferers, now more distant than ever.

Meanwhile, the American military, in conjunction with their friends at Apple, prepared an emergency airdrop of solar powered 3d printers, which will likely land in Liberia Tuesday afternoon and start pumping out high-value medical supplies instantly. The CDC continues to call for donations, as only 250 million of the one billion dollars they’ve requested has been raised. The CDC was so desperate for cash it set up a system for the donation of bitcoins, dogecoins, anoncoins, and many other alternatives to bitcoin.

CDC chairman Eric Walterson told reporters, “We need as much money as we can get as soon as we can get it, or we could all die and it could cost us a lot more. We need laptops, needles, hazmat suits, coffee, overtime and hazard pay. Help us save the hell out of Africa, it’s a marathon and we’ve got to sprint the whole way, much like the very first marathon, but it could be the very last if we don’t see some cash soon. And if we make enough money, we can hold onto these bitcoins until they hit 10,000 bucks each and we could solve all our budget issues forever.”

American Ebola patient is seen in plastic FEMA style coffin.
Ebola Memes are the hottest memes out there right now. Learn more about them here!

NPR agreed to switch over to cover-to-cover fundraising for the CDC and will be airing nothing but Ebola related interviews and breaking Ebola news for the next week. NPR producer Finn Turnlop told reporters:

“We’re doing what we can in a dire and potentially deadly situation. Everyone should be extremely careful with who they touch or see in daily life, and we’re going to drive that message home for listeners. We’re going to drive it home hard. We’re going to make a change this time. America must make a stand for its very survival.”

Categories
Health Politics

Obama Seeks to Celebrate Affordable Care Act Anniversary in Most Affordable Way Possible

President Barack Obama encouraged Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with each portion of bread.
President Barack Obama encourages Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with every portion of bread.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the one-year anniversary of the immediately successful launch of healthcare.gov approaches, the Obama administration has finalized plans to celebrate in a big way.

Or as press secretary Josh Earnest put it, “it’s gonna be fucking patriotic as shit—the American Way, fgts.”

After weeks of floundering from the administration on how they would celebrate Obama’s landmark law, the almost-universal, wholly-neoliberal, not-at-all-egalitarian Affordable Care Act, it seems that Obama has signed off on an elaborate, costly, and controversial ceremony to take place on the South Lawn at the White House on October 1st, the anniversary of the laws implementation.

What is the ceremony? What can we expect? How can we get tickets?

Hold your healthcare, Internet Chronicler! To answer your last question first, you won’t need to get tickets. The Obama Administration, the most in-touch-with-the-people administration ever, has made it so you do not even have to leave your couch to be part of history.

“Mr. Obama understands the incentive difficulty of physical activity when you have Affordable and full-coverage,” Earnest said. “That’s why every American will be able to watch the ceremony on their television set. They will be able to take part from the comfort of inside their over-valued houses.”

Vague, but a joint press release from the Offices of Health and Human Services and Treasury further clarified: “A mandatory $79.99 charge will be placed on all American credit, debit, EBT, etc. cards for the pay-per-view event on October 1. No exceptions.”

What about those of us who spent the wages we reserved for a tee-vee on our (Affordable) Obamacare bill?

Great question, citizen. Susan Rice, PBO’s National Security advisor, says that the NSA is working overtime to triangulate the ceremony directly to your smartphone, flip-phone, laptop, PC, “whatever… we’ll use your metadata to make sure you have access.”

This is a bold move from the administration. But, they see it as “participatory politics at its purest.”

So what is the ceremony?

Mr. Obama will be taking the Hippocratic Oath on the South Lawn and declaring himself Eternal Surgeon General. It is rumored that the first of hopefully many Death Panels will close the ceremony.

While the Hippocratic Oath is generally reserved for physicians, and Obama has absolutely no medical training whatsoever, the administration sees this as part and parcel in the solidification of Mr. Obama’s legacy, which now rests only on the admirable merits of: drone warfare; lawful NSA spying; the unprecedented, necessary War on Whistleblowers; the surge in Afghanistan; keeping Gitmo open; failure to close corporate tax loopholes; deciding not to prosecute those involved in the torture interrogation program; being a shitty father; etc.

“Like me, Mr. Obama knows the value of a good oath,” Bernie Madoff, who is expecting a Presidential pardon at the end of Obama’s term, said earlier today from his North Carolina prison cell. “I just hope my credit card won’t get declined so I can see the goddamn ceremony myself!”

God bless Obamacare. And God Bless the United States of America.