Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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Categories
Health

Ebola Goes Viral

INTERNET—Ebola memes flooded across the internet Monday, staggering the net’s very infrastructure as the phenomenon stepped up three levels of magnitude and “went viral.” From cleverly captioned grim images of death by hemorrhagic fever, to a spine-chilling anime character known as “Ebola Chan,” pestilential humor on “white twitter” wallowed and chirped in its natural state of racist white pride and its characteristic schadenfreude, and then, as if mad with guilt, certain white radicals called each other out for rubbing noses with a man who tattooed a swastika on his chest. Impassable bridges were burned in an offering for the distant sufferers, now more distant than ever.

Meanwhile, the American military, in conjunction with their friends at Apple, prepared an emergency airdrop of solar powered 3d printers, which will likely land in Liberia Tuesday afternoon and start pumping out high-value medical supplies instantly. The CDC continues to call for donations, as only 250 million of the one billion dollars they’ve requested has been raised. The CDC was so desperate for cash it set up a system for the donation of bitcoins, dogecoins, anoncoins, and many other alternatives to bitcoin.

CDC chairman Eric Walterson told reporters, “We need as much money as we can get as soon as we can get it, or we could all die and it could cost us a lot more. We need laptops, needles, hazmat suits, coffee, overtime and hazard pay. Help us save the hell out of Africa, it’s a marathon and we’ve got to sprint the whole way, much like the very first marathon, but it could be the very last if we don’t see some cash soon. And if we make enough money, we can hold onto these bitcoins until they hit 10,000 bucks each and we could solve all our budget issues forever.”

American Ebola patient is seen in plastic FEMA style coffin.
Ebola Memes are the hottest memes out there right now. Learn more about them here!

NPR agreed to switch over to cover-to-cover fundraising for the CDC and will be airing nothing but Ebola related interviews and breaking Ebola news for the next week. NPR producer Finn Turnlop told reporters:

“We’re doing what we can in a dire and potentially deadly situation. Everyone should be extremely careful with who they touch or see in daily life, and we’re going to drive that message home for listeners. We’re going to drive it home hard. We’re going to make a change this time. America must make a stand for its very survival.”

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Categories
Status Quo Technology

One World Trade Secretly a Space Ship

INTERNET—Sources say One World Trade is in fact a secret space ark built to shelter the super-rich through the oncoming mega-geodegradation from climate change and crust resettlement.

Rocketry expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters:

“This planet is fucked. Nothing we can do but quietly pack things up for orbit and send our boys off to as many suicidal wars as we can possibly afford. One World Trade might be ten thousand years in orbit, but it’s designed for that. Not everyone on the surface will die, and it will take hundreds of years for things to really get bad, but you can expect a thousand times more volcanic eruptions and earthquakes due to fracking, drilling, and mining, as well as totally destabilized climates on the local level, not just small global shifts up or down in temperature. Your temperate hometown may turn into a glacial valley, a tropical rainforest, or maybe even a desert overnight. And then change back again, in a week. The elites know there’s more happening than a slow, gentle change, and they’ve got the ultimate trump card. Tickets on One World Trade start at a billion dollars a piece.”

As citizens finally accept that Al-Qaeda and ISIS are puppets created by the US government to facilitate the secret spaceship building plan, perhaps a revolution will take to the streets and force the elites out of power.

One World Trade is the world’s biggest rocket and space station.

It may be too late though, as folks in Ferguson saw that even small local police forces have already heavily militarized themselves, and Fema is waiting to put on the mass funeral. At this point, one push of a button and the global elites can never be overthrown again. Even if we did overtake the militarized police with our strong support of the second amendment, they’d just launch themselves right off into space.

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Categories
Entertainment Society Technology

Amanda Bynes: A Transhuman Experiment Gone Awry

Did Amanda Bynes’ parents have the means motives and opportunity to plant a chip in her head, effectively making her a Transhuman?

INTERNET—Amanda Bynes’ latest tweets strongly suggests she must be among the first generation of cybernetic transhumans, or may even be the very first ever, if it is indeed true, as she claims, that a chip was surgically installed into her body. Human-brain interfaces, also known as HBIs, are a wide range of technologies which, since the early 80’s, have allowed people to interact with a computer on a neurological level. That is, HBIs allow anyone to use a computer without the mechanical click of a mouse or a keyboard.

Amanda Bynes’ father worked on a team that developed a version of HBI technology that wired computers directly into the brains of mice while her mother went to work as an assistant to a plastic surgeon specializing in breast implants. Some experts speculate that given the most cutting-edge technology available in the 80’s, the “brain chip” would be too large for a human skull and must have been installed elsewhere, most likely in the thigh or breast.

As always happens with new technologies, something has gone awry with Amanda Bynes’ implant. On Twitter, she teases her father and mother, alleging incest as a symbol for the monstrous overwhelming love that caused them to make her inhuman. No sane person would give her empathy for the true story, that she is a cybernetic transhuman, so she must remake her story out of another more believable cloth. As she admitted that the incest story was counterfeit, she announced her true belief that her father had both designed and installed the chip that modulated her brain.

Many have imagined that the extremely wealthy would sire the first generation of transhumans, but it seems some lucky portion of power fell into the hands of the new technology’s most adept practitioners. By amplifying the circuits in Amanda Byne’s brain that produce charisma, Bynes was made  into Nickelodeon’s biggest child star — ever. Science and the love of her parents was seemingly able to enhance her brain, giving her unnatural talents. Experts believe that chips from the 80’s would have, after several years, malfunctioned because of body heat. Some point to a rapid breast-size change or sudden hair loss and check videos and images of Bynes for signs of surgeries, but it is not clear whether she has had any subsequent surgeries to either repair or enhance her malfunctioning charisma unit. “Her incredible comeback,” said HBI researcher Dr. Troubador, “Seems to me to be the height of her charisma, a birth of a totally new species!”