Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

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Sega Dreamcast is the Best Gaming Console of All Time – OF ALL TIME!

The Sega Dreamcast is hailed by legions as the best videogame system ever created. Gaming fans new and old revered Sega’s final foray into the competitive market of console gaming as their greatest achievement yet. The Dreamcast was more than just a gaming console – it represented a defiant protest of century-old Nintendo, a last stand against the staying power of Sony, and stood out as the ideological opposite of the soulless, ball-less piece of three-headed Hydra shit Microsoft calls an Xbox.

The Sega Dreamcast had the best repertoire of first- and third-party games of any console, the first mainstream integration of online play, and clear, beautiful graphics. Many games boasted 60 frames per second (FPS), making racing games and shooters like Unreal Tournament very exciting, and leading many to wonder, “Wait how many FPS was it before?”

Dreamcast even had a web browser (with an upgraded 2.0 version!) so young children, who didn’t yet know how to delete their browser histories, could safely download pornography without fear of parental retribution – right on their very own standard-definition TVs!

Behold, The Legendary Sega Dreamcast

Sega Dreamcast

To the average mouth breathing redditor, this looks like your average videogame console with a sexy Dreamcast logo on it. But what would you know? Part of the Dreamcast’s charm is in its subtlety. The Dreamcast had a little orange light that, when the system powered on, glowed bright orange and inspired the original design scheme used by the mysterious and fabled Elf Wax Times publication which – according to legend – reigned supreme for a better part of the previous decade. But who knows for sure? The system advances through several stages of power until its fans kick on and Phantasy Star Online bounces to life. Oh yeah, but if your VMU battery is dead, the VMU screen will appear faded, and Dreamcast itself will scream at you by emitting a long, ear-piercing tone from a tiny speaker built into the console. This is a gentle reminder to change your VMU battery. The tone gets longer based on how dead the battery is. You change it because you do as you’re told, and you don’t want to hear that noise anymore. Sega thought of everything!

What’s a VMU battery?

Upon closer inspection, the most observant of retards may notice there is a tiny screen on board the Dreamcast controller, which was revolutionary at the time. Dreamcast controllers also feature two analog triggers that fit nicely in the hands, like dual-wielded pistols with clitorises for triggers. Useful as a heads up display, the removable memory device known as a VMU (Visual Memory Unit) powers the tiny screen, which changed to fit whatever needs game developers chose for it. Oftentimes it displayed ammunition data, hit points or even jokes and small bits of game lore. Admittedly, it sounds kind of gimmicky. Fortunately, there’s more to it than that. You could download games onto that bitch, straight off your Dreamcast game discs, then jerk it out and play it like a fucking GameBoy. No shit. Look:

VMUSega just didn’t give a fuck. In the game Sonic Adventure, you collected Chao eggs. You can load eggs – or a hatched chao – into your VMU and then when you go to school, or work – where you no doubt suffer as a result of being apart from the Dreamcast – you can play Chao Adventure on the VMU, leveling your Chao’s stats to make him stronger for when you load him back into Sonic Adventure. Now that’s metagaming!

PowerStone contained three games available for download. There were fighting games, gun games and puzzles. There are a bunch more but that’s all I can remember off the top of my head. As a kid, I worked for my own videogame (and weed) money, so I didn’t have every game. Sorry, cunt.

If the VMU had anything going against it, it was the watch battery in the back that’s always dying, trying to meet the demands of all the awesomeness inside our VMU. When you needed a new one, you had to walk up to some sad person at Wal-Mart who acted like he was doing you this unspoken favor of constantly supplying you with these flat, quarter-sized watch batteries. It’s not opium, Rajiv. It’s just a fucking battery. I don’t remember what they cost.

Probably the coolest thing about the Dreamcast was just owning a god damn Dreamcast.

Tell you what, that’s the end of this game review, and there’s no looking back now. Now fire up your Dreamcasts and put on Slave Zero.

Masturbate, don’t procreate.

 

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Technology

CHRONICLE.SU MONTHLY RANSOMWARE ROUNDUP: Microsoft Windows releases Windows 10 update demanding payments by credit card

The unprovoked attack appeared as part of routine bullshit called Microsoft feature roll-up, a process during which Windows 10 users’ machines do hidden things with implied consent, “like magic.”

For years on end, Windows has milked its userbase for extra coke money.
For years, Windows has milked its userbase for extra coke money.

In the latest update, a pop-up briefly explains that it has been a while since you paid Microsoft for something, so the Fall Creators’ Update is offering users a choice between premium digital licenses to kiss Bill Gates’ fuzzy, wrinkled ass, or else go fuck yourselves and downgrade to Home Edition for free.

A sleek, modern update portal now lets users subscribe to a random kick in the dick by simply doing nothing. Uncheck a box, or agree to recurring charges, because you deserve it. The first update’s on the house!

Have your credit cards ready, because these Microsoft Windows 10 updates don’t fuck around.

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Technology

Google Glass helps kids with autism read facial expressions like anger and paranoia

  • Anyone in the presence of Google Glass expresses anger and paranoia, which are just two sets of facial expressions that people with autism have difficulty identifying
  • Children with autism were able to improve their social skills by using Google Glass to help them understand outrage in the presence of Google Glass, according to a pilot study by researchers at Lebal Drocer Laboratories in Silicon Valley
Google Glass accurately guesses facial expressions, and even offers clues as to what people might be thinking about you.
Google Glass accurately guesses facial expressions, and even offers clues as to what people might be thinking about you.

The therapy, described in Dr. Alpha M. Troubadour’s 18-month study published in the Lebal Drocer Medical Review, uses an Internet Chronicle-designed app that provides real-time cues about other people’s facial expressions to a child wearing Google Glass.

As the child interacts with others, the app identifies and names their emotions through the Google Glass speaker (embarrassing) or onscreen. After one to three months of regular use, parents reported their children made more eye contact and recognized indignation, anger, and outrage faster than before.

Prior to participating in the study, Thomas avoided eye contact. Now, he stares motherfuckers down.
Prior to participating in the study, Thomas avoided eye contact. Now he stares motherfuckers down like he’s targeting them.

“People used to feel bad for my autistic son, who could not recognize their efforts to engage him. Now, not only can he recognize uneasiness in people’s faces, he has learned how to tell when he is unwelcome in a room. And when he looks in the mirror, even he can see what a colossal douchebag he is.”

Daphne, 42