Category: Society

Aww, look! They think they’re people!

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Uncontrollable Patriotism

Bill O’Reilly admits he was not the key protagonist in Ayn Rand’s ‘Fountainhead’

The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake yet.
Bill O'Reilly admitted Monday Ayn Rand did not write him into the literary canon.
Bill O’Reilly admitted Monday Ayn Rand did not write him into the literary canon.

FOX NEWS — Respected FOX News anchor Bill O’Reilly admitted to the press Howard Roark, the individualistic young architect from Ayn Rand’s libertarian treatise The Fountainhead, was not based on his character.

Though O’Reilly was born just six years after the novel’s publication in 1943, the journalist insisted, throughout the greater part of his career that Roark’s tenacious personal belief in individualism was based on O’Reilly’s own prenatal disgust for collectivism.

Leading experts faithfully adhered to the belief Rand foretold O’Reilly’s coming through the story of Roark, and clung desperately for six years to her prophetic testaments of a libertine messiah.

Virginia Commonwealth University literary expert Dr. Harmstrong Truebadoor said he will not change his mind in light of the facts.

“I know Papa Bear O’Reilly personally,” Truebadoor said. “The man is a prime mover if there ever was one. Years start low, and the numbers just go higher – you can’t explain that.”

Truebadoor said the six-year discrepancy between the novel’s publication and the world-renowned journalist’s birth are erroneous “facts” placed in the spacetime continuum to test our faith.

“The second-handers attacking O’Reilly on the basis of evidence have a crippling addiction to facts,” Truebadoor said. “The detractors negating Bill’s vision of a unified monoculture have no sense of the fantastic, raw truths inherent in the Bib– I mean The Fountainhead. They are clutching at straws.”

O’Reilly said he appreciates the profits that have come out of the support of his bloated, miserable army of die-hard fanatics, but indicated he wants to recede into his own legacy.

“The man is sort of in the way of the legend at this point,” O’Reilly said. “Now you all are just waiting for me to die so you can make movies, theme park rides, and capitalize on all the principal I moved for you people. I may not be Roark, ladies and gentleman. You’re right. I’m more than that. I am Roark. You’re welcome.”

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Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

Bootstrap Party threatens to split Republican vote

The Bootstrap Party - 'Pull your damn self up!'
The Bootstrap Party - 'Pull your damn self up!'

The Bootstrap Party - 'Pull your damn self up!'
The Bootstrap Party – ‘Pull your damn self up!’
The party political experts are calling “farther right than the Tea Party” could split the Republican vote, ensuring a place in the oval office for Democratic Socialist candidate Hillary Clinton in 2016.

The all new Bootstrap Party, whose slogan reads Pull your damn self up! is sponsored by Hobby Lobby, Best Buy, Comcast and Google. Our new and wonderful masters promise to liberalize everything by the year 2020, at which point the United States will become a Libertine Utopia, fitted with corporate-furnished roads, schools, hospitals, housing and restaurants.

Party frontrunner Raleigh T. Sakers said his solution to government-funded infrastructure is to stop giving hand-outs to the hundreds of millions of people using the roads for free every day. Roads will no longer be funded, he said. Under the Sakers Doctrine, roads will be paved with golden virtues of freedom. Never forget.

“Let the road system take care of itself,” Sakers said. “No services. If people want to use the roads, let them deal directly with the power authorities themselves. It’s FASTER and it’s CHEAPER.”

Experts predict a run on bootstraps in pants-shitting anticipation of the rise of the American Bootstrap Party. Real patriots invest today!

Scandal erupted after Clinton herself was found donating to the party campaign.

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Religion

Vatican taking an ‘unhealthy interest’ in Anonymous ‘Operation Death Eaters’: Barrett Brown

catholics-team-up-with-anonymous-op-death-eater

catholics-team-up-with-anonymous-op-death-eaterVATICAN CITY – As Pope Francis (D-Italy) attempts to open new bureaucratic instruments to tackle rape and neoliberalism in the Vatican, Anonymous Spokesman Barrett Brown said the Catholic church is taking an “unhealthy interest in the sensitive search for internet pederasts” and that their unwanted attention could jeopardize the witch-hunt.

Brown, who currently operates from his mobile diesel prison cell across the barren Texas wasteland, likened the church’s assistance to “working with the enemy.” He said it reminds him of the crippling effects the US funded Al Qaeda had on the war on terror, before becaming ISIS.

“We are working around the clock to catch Catholic priests fucking little boys,” Brown said, “so when r0sary comes online, the investigation is effectively dead in the holy water.”

Many Catholic priests have entered underground /i/nvasion IRC channels and chan forums, offering to participate in the hunt for online predators and the illegal pornography they produce. Among them, r0sary is a well-known Catholic hacker whose expertise in child-fucking could unfortunately be very helpful to the group.

“I would never fuck a little boy,” Brown said. “But if I was the kind of person who did that sort of thing – and I’m not saying that I am – but if I was, I can imagine that fucking their raw, pink little anuses would give me some insight into how a pedophile operated, and make Anonymous better.”

So for now, Anonymous begrudgingly, but bravely, works alongside the rape warriors in the Catholic church. But for how long this unlikely alliance may last, ain’t no man can say. Attempts to dox r0sary have ended in pitiful failure, as users have noted he logs into efnet with a username and password, behind a service known as a ‘cloak.’ Brown said it is only a matter of time before they catch up to, and surpass, their partners in the internet’s first rapist-rapist-hunter alliance.

“Until then, we’ll just have to keep watching child pornography, learning from their habits,” r0sary said on IRC. “I am enhancing some close-up footage right now, with the hope of finding the offender’s reflection in his victim’s pleading, perfect eyes.”