Category: Society

Aww, look! They think they’re people!

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Politics Religion

RESPECTED COMRADE JOSEF BIDEN SENDS GREETINGS TO LATE SEN. DIANNE FEINSTEIN

JOSEF BIDEN, GENERAL SECRETARY OF THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE (DNC), PRECEDED BY THE DEMOCRATIC-REPUBLICAN PARTY (DRPK)OF SOCIAL LIBERALISM AND THE ALLIANCE OF DEMOCRATS, SENT A MESSAGE OF GREETING TO DIANNE FEINSTEIN, WHOSE DESICCATED BODY WAS LOWERED INTO THE EARTH AT HIGH NOON ON SUNDAY.

THE RESPECTED COMRADE JOSEF BIDEN IN HIS MESSAGE EXTENDED WARM CONGRATULATIONS ON BEHALF OF THE DRPK GOVERNMENT AND ALL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO GENERAL SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN OF THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S PARTY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA, THE US GOVERNMENT, AND THE FRATERNAL ORDER OF DEMOCRATIC NATIONALISTS ON THE YEAR OF HER ASCENT TO THE THRONE OF ETERNITY.

COMRADE JOSEF BIDEN PRAISED THE LATE SEN. DIANNE FEINSTEIN AS A “TRUE SENTINEL” AND LAUDED HER LONG TENURE IN THE SENATE FOLLOWING NEWS OF HER ASCENT TO THE THRONE OF AMERICAN ETERNITY ON FRIDAY.

“SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN WAS A PIONEERING AMERICAN,” BIDEN SAID, “AND A TRULY HECKIN GIRLBOSS. FOR JILL AND ME, A CHERISHED FRIEND. FOR THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY, A FAUCET THROUGH WHICH RESOURCES FLOWED LIKE THE GREAT WATERS OF LIBERATION.”

SHE FACED CALLS TO RESIGN THIS YEAR AFTER A LONG ABSENCE FROM THE MIND AS SHE RECOVERED FROM LONG HAVANA FOLLOWING AN ATTACK ON HER EMBASSY IN THE AMERICAN SPRING.

VEILED ATTACKS WERE DELIVERED UNDER THE GUISE OF CONCERNS ABOUT HER HEALTH BY IMPERIALIST PIGDOGS AND ENEMIES OF FREEDOM.

BIDEN SAID FEINSTEIN WAS A WOMAN.

“OFTEN THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE ROOM, DIANNE WAS A ROLE MODEL FOR SO MANY AMERICANS — HER THIRST FOR BLOOD AND COMMITMENT TO ORDER AND PRAISE OF HEGEMONIC VIRTUE SHONE LIKE A SUN IN THE NIGHT SKY, OVERPOWERING THE INKY OOZE OF DOUBT WHICH THREATENS TO BLOT OUT THE AMERICAN PURPOSE,” BIDEN SAID.

“DIANNE WAS TOUGH, SHARP, ALWAYS PREPARED, AND NEVER PULLED A PUNCH, ESPECIALLY IF THAT MEANT GETTING DRONES INTO THE CLEAR BLUE SKIES OVER THE DESERTED LANDS OF OUR GODLESS ENEMIES, SO THAT NEITHER THE SUNSHINE, NOR COULD A CLOUDLESS DAY, BRING A SMILE TO THE CHILDREN OF HER OPPONENTS.”

GREAT LEADER JOSEF BIDEN SAID THE FRATERNAL AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL MAKE FRESH SUCCESS IN THE STRUGGLE FOR BUILDING A MODERN SOCIALIST STATE IN ALL ASPECTS AND SAFEGUARDING THE SOVEREIGNTY AND TERRITORIAL INTEGRITY OF THE COUNTRY UNDER HIS LEADERSHIP.

GLORIOUS COMRADE JOSEF BIDEN SINCERELY WISHES YOU GOOD HEALTH AND GREATER SUCCESS IN YOUR RESPONSIBLE WORK FOR THE PARTY AND STATE, THE DNC PROSPERITY, AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAPPINESS.

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Law Uncontrollable Patriotism

New law would allow Tennessee educators to carry secondary weapon, ballistic shields, and custom loadouts with perks and bonuses

After 25 years of teaching, Mr. Tiesto is awarded four custom primary weapon attachments.

NASHVILLE, Tenn.—Lawmakers have heard the concerns of Tennessee educators after a law was passed earlier in the month that would let teachers bring more guns into classrooms. They answered with a new law passed by congress this week, that  will allow public school teachers carry ballistic shields, a secondary sidearm, and custom ranked loadouts for keeping up with an ever-changing battlefield.

Many teachers, whose personal budgets are already strapped by low pay, face a decades-old complex of having to spend their own money on desperately needed school supplies. Now, that little bit of money once intended for glue sticks, crayons, and construction paper are being repurposed for lead slinging weapons of iron and wood, making Tennessee schools a place for high powered learning.

Thanks to a partnership with Rural Home Furnishings, Tennessee’s “Top Fraggers,” or highest-ranking educators in participating schools, can look forward to high quality pine wood gun-racks in the classroom where all their favorite gear is stored for easy access.

Before last week, Memphis school teacher Sined Tardislep, 40, had never shot a gun in her life. Now she spends half of every lunch break at the middle school gun range, practicing for what she calls “the next Uvalde.”

“You see their fatasses driving around in those shiny new Ford Explorers,” Tardislep says, referring to officers in the Memphis Police Department. “You know they aren’t crawling out of that air conditioning and coming in to some smelly elementary school to save my little brown kids.”

Gov. Bill Lee gave a moving speech. As he talked to a room of newly armed school teachers, he twitched and flinched, appearing to dodge, moving just in case. He switched from the AWP to the Desert Eagle, back to the AWP, back to the Desert Eagle, to the AWP again, back to the Desert Eagle, to the AWP, to the knife, and he swiped his knife against the lectern.

“Tennessee’s children are the future,” Lee said. “Which is why we are awarding this chrome-plated Desert Eagle magnum to Mary Pulaski, who has worked tirelessly for the past 15 years at the Nashville Christian Academy, using only a .22 caliber sidearm. Mary, bunny-hop on up to the stage, will you please?”

With the tools of change now in their hands, and opportunity at their feet, the inevitable uprising of battle-hardened educators draws closer.

With so many killers being turned out of school systems, the “sheep are raising the wolves,” according to DuFraine County Middle School Principal Martin Winchester. He says some children now look at him with the cold glint of murder in their eyes.

“Cops won’t kill one of their own. We are not like them, we’re not social workers. We can’t tell if we’re raising the next school shooter, or the next police officer,” Winchester said. “That’s basically the same kid.”

He said he is authorized to fire warning shots in the cafeteria to get the children’s attention, for dismissing lunch, roll call, or making announcements.

Regardless of which side of the aisle they stand on, more guns in the classroom have Tennessee children on their toes and, above all else, ready to learn.

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Law Local Religion

ARKANSAS STRIKES DOWN STATUTORY RAPE LAWS

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LITTLE ROCK — Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders signed the Minors Advancing in Prosperity (MAP) bill today, with media reports focusing on many shocking aspects of the 100,000 page legislation. Included along with the easing of child labor laws was the revision of several criminal punishments for minor-related sex crimes. New wording removed jail terms for most felonies and focused in on correcting pedophilic acts with rehabilitation at state-funded religious centers.

“It’s like an addiction!” said Jerry Fowler. “Basically its like we’re ending the drug war.”

In addition to his membership on the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum Committee, Fowler is a youth minister who specializes in counseling recovering addicts of all kinds.

New Miracle baby dust pills by Lebal Drocer IncHe recently advocated for a controversial form of conversion therapy to help pedophiles and child abusers like Sarah Sanders recover.

“They don’t call it jailbait for nothing,” Fowler said. “We throw them in with the fatties who are addicted to sugar, the needle freaks, and the porno pyros. They’re all just addicted, addicted to sin. It’s a medical thing, nothing more.”

Fowler, who spoke with his hands in his pockets, nodded to a long gray building with bars on the windows. Its paint is peeled from years of neglect, revealing layers of color history, grays, greens, olive drab, turquoise, red and black.

“Then we BREAK them down and rebuild them,” Fowler continued. “Like the military does. But we can handle this ourselves. We need big government out of medicine so we can move this society along, move the economy along, to get that engine burning you have to burn through a few thousand souls. As you can see, we have the facilities to support that.”

Fowler’s ministry has been certified and funded under the bill, which reclassifies his megachurch as a Class-A medical facility that is licensed to rehabilitate hundreds of thousands of criminals a year, at Fowler’s sole discretion.

Every smiling face tells its story.

Governor Huckabee Sanders said the Fowler ministries helped her get over her sadosexual mental illnesses, but that she still wants to open up all manner of child labor, stressing something about the economy maybe.

“Overall, that was President Obama’s idea. I guess it’s good for the economy or whatever. We put in all this gross stuff.”

Republicans enjoy full control of all legislative bodies of the Arkansas state government, and now the bodies of Arkansas children as well.

Heartwarming

“We want Child Trafficking networks to be legal and safe,” Governor Huckabee said, “So many children disappear and their parents lose track of them as they are traded around without paperwork. Making it legal will make child trafficking safe again, helping slaves stay in touch with their loved ones, and maybe, one day, giving parents a legal route to buy them back.”

While other journalists have been living with a healthy work-life balance, Internet Chronicle writers doubled down, in an absolute frenzy, and speed-read the bill, racing against always-on AI reporters who ingest facts and information thousands of times per second.

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In a postmodern cyberpunk version of John Henry’s race against the steam hammer, Internet Chronicle reporters were just barely able to outperform the machine, but only at a dire cost to their health and well-being.

The shocking content that has been rolled into the new freedom-based algorithms have dealt thousands of traumatic blows to their fragile male psyches. The only thing that has kept them reporting is the ever more potent forms of terrormax under development at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

Dr. Troubador is currently suffering from content creator burnout and mental health, and requires financial support from readers like you. The Arkansas Child Rape Files are a series of investigative pieces that delve into the hate and lies fueling the Republican party’s decline towards fascism and loosening of child rape laws.

With your contributions Dr. Troubadour can continue his habitual efforts to bring truth to justice, and exploring every weird nook and cranny of the seedy underbelly where he knows a guy.

“I have an itch for new medicine, I’m constantly developing, changing, evolving,” Troubadour says with a wink and a smile. “Wherever my research takes me, I always follow my nose.”

[Editor’s note: Please revise. Include the word ‘consent’ somewhere in this story. Resubmit prior to publication.]