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Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

After brief reemergence, JFK Jr. shot dead in Dallas motorcade

This screenshot was taken moments before JFK Jr. was assassinated on his motorcade in Dallas. The video has been scrubbed from every platform, and is no longer available.
This screenshot was taken moments before JFK Jr. was assassinated on his motorcade in Dallas. The video has been scrubbed from every platform, and is no longer available.

DALLAS — John F. Kennedy Jr. appeared briefly in Dallas on Tuesday, as predicted by Qanon, and was seen waving to crowds from the sunroof of his bulletproof Cadillac before he was shot in the torso and carried off in what onlookers described as a black, deep-state ambulance.

He was smiling, “so happy,” and looked like he hadn’t aged a day in 22 years, said Maria Sabinski, 47, who showed up to witness the ‘Dead Kennedy’ come out from hiding.

JFK Jr. was expected to announce Trump’s presidency, dethroning Biden, and explain why everyone thinks he is rising from the dead.

“We heard a crack from the book depository, then two shots rang out from a grassy knoll,” she said, gesturing in each direction.

“His expression changed. He looked surprised, then pained, as he clutched a spot in his belly. They took him out of one black car and put him in another. Then they all sped off together, like a bat out of Hell.”

It's still got that new flag smell
A woman witnesses the assassination in broad daylight of JFK, Jr. who was scheduled to announce Trump the number one best president of all time.

JFK Jr., originally believed by uninquisitive NPC sheeple to have died in a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean in 1999, was expected to declare Donald Trump as president.

Mere seconds before the world-shattering announcement, he was brutally murdered from the old book depository building, a security blind spot that has plagued presidential motorcades passing through Dallas for more than half a century.

Barry Knudsen, core disciple of QAnon and Lieutenant Digital Soldier, told reporters, “We are all QAnon, we are the main characters in this story. Where we go one, we go all.” He gestured at the crowd of weeping fans, “You see these guys and gals here, they aren’t just sheeple hiding behind their computers talking shit, like demoncrats. Look at their faces, they really want to protect the children. They really love the children. They’ll do whatever it takes.”

All mention of the incident was scrubbed from social media. QAnon fans who shared screenshots of deleted posts quickly faced system crashes after which their devices would no longer boot and upon close inspection were wiped of all data.

Dallas Sheriff Harold F. Gloasen told reporters, “We had no reports of a shooting, of shots fired, nothing. There were no permits issued for a motorcade through Dealey Plaza, and certainly no murder case for the long deceased JFK Jr.”

A mother, who asked not to be named, was out shopping with her 1-year-old infant when she passed by the confusion.

“First I was like ‘are they saying the Pledge of Allegiance right now?’ I didn’t even want to walk by them, but there were so many people they were blocking the sidewalk,” she said. “That’s when I saw John F. Kennedy Jr. hanging out of a limousine. I just went ‘huh, I thought he was dead.’ Now I guess he really is.”

The Biden Administration refuses to acknowledge the high-profile assassination of a political leader that until now, was presumed dead.

Our prayers are with the Kennedy family as they attempt to find out which underground deep-state human containment facility is processing the corpse of JFK Jr., the Herald of Truth.

 

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Categories
Society

Tinder background checks reveal Chad’s checkered past

Chad Worthington Hardcock, an 18-year-old senior from Hidden Valley High School in Roanoke, Va. was a star quarterback, Valedictorian, and voted by his high school yearbook Most Likely to Learn How to Read.

He once had dignity, poise, and commanded respect. Now, he refers to himself as Tinder’s whipping boy, a scapegoat, and the dating platform’s most misunderstood predator.

Pretty eloquent for a boy who doesn't know how to read, huh? | Chad Worthington Hardcock
Pretty eloquent for a boy who doesn’t know how to read, huh?

That’s just Chad.

Random, unfair background checks being deployed against your boy here are threatening his shit, and unless he changes phone numbers, his dating profile could soon bear the scarlet letter of something he definitely did not do, that you know about.

Following serious allegations, Chad took great efforts to clean up his act, take a shave, and keep appearances up.

For instance, Chad now feeds the homeless. He poisons one meal at random.

Now, Chad attends religious teachings from Mormon philosopher Christopher Nemelka, a quaint, abusive, but fair man with no fixed address, currently residing in Idaho.

“I told him I’m in a real vulnerable place right now, and how young I was,” Chad stated on Facebook. “Chris said I was awesome.”

He joined a social club.

“The Proudbois took me in a minute,” Chad said. “Them and Qanon are awesome.”

Chad’s doing awesome. Still, there have been bumps along the way.

Taking the lead from his new mentors, Chad took a stance on social media to show that he cares about what’s happening in the Middle East. However, in a damaging blow to his ego, he was frothing with white hot jealousy as he learned that while he was out nip-hunting all summer, Middle Eastern rednecks took it upon themselves to sack a capital city.

“That could have been us!” he tweeted. “Jan. 6 was a trial run. Proved there’s no risk.”

As investigators look deeper into fatherless Chad, the Internet Chronicle went and talked to the last of his thinning support network.

Chad’s varsity football coach said his star player’s troubled past ought to explain, if not forgive, his minor transgressions.

“He had some date-rapes under his belt,” Hughes said with a laugh. “He has a few DUIs, but overall, he’s not a bad kid. He is a Hardcock, though. His mom beats him.”

Chad’s mom Karen said she thinks the world of her himbo.

“He’s learned from his past and he’s ready to hide his mistakes,” she said. “He’s matured so much. He has his own attorney now.”

With allegations growing against him amid a widening investigation, Chad says he is ready to stand tall, stare down a judge, and take up space before a jury of his peers.

“I know I didn’t do nothing wrong,” Chad says. “That’s wassup.”

This story is brought to you proudly on strange tapes recorded by Raleigh Sakers.

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Categories
Fashion Status Quo

Influencer’s trend recognized by major brand

INTERNET — Thursday, the Influencer tweeted out a new hashtagged meme which quickly went viral and became featured as an officially recognized Twitter Trend.

A major brand riffed on this trend, posting several memes of their own. The influencer’s growing audience is a reflection of his newly expanded niche.

“My inbox is full of paid requests for tweets,” the Influencer said. “Usually I get a few of these each month, but today I’ve already received fifty. I would accept them all, if I had the time.”

Fans gathered around the Influencer’s apartment, taking selfies through a small window on his door, through which a sliver of the blue glow of his display could be seen. By retweeting eachother, the fans hoped to create their own trend, but fell short.

“Not everyone can be an influencer,” the Influencer sneered as he browsed the fan discussion. “They are so entitled, think that it’s so easy. They keep posting and posting when they should be reading my tweets, faving them, retweeting them. Engagement is the true path to being noticed by me, and ultimately by the major brands. That is why I have now risen to the prominent position of a social relationship asset for a major brand and they are mere targets.”