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Uncontrollable Patriotism

Kyle Rittenhouse launches private security company

INTERNET — Kyle Rittenhouse is cashing in on the media frenzy surrounding his murder trial, using the free publicity as a springboard to launch his own private security company.

The newly created company, Rittenhouse Security, is based around the idea of using legal loopholes to leverage lethal force on political enemies. In a brazen ad campaign, Rittenhouse Security promised “Dead libs or your money back.”

Hire Rittenhouse Security next time the libs come to town! By skimping on standard riot gear, we put our lives in danger, thus allowing us to use lethal force under Wisconsin state Facebook law. Don’t just protect your property, use it as bait to exterminate the libs! They’ve failed in life, have criminal backgrounds, and so do not deserve life. Take it away from them by calling us now. Dead libs or your money back.

By hiring untrained minors at minimum wage, equipped only with bargain-build AR-15s, Rittenhouse security hopes to undercut all other security business models. Professionals in the security industry registered mixed opinions, after the announcement on Saturday.

“This could be the big paradigm shift, the disruption that the security industry needs to move into the 21st century. Who says all that less-lethal gear and training is a good thing?” said Pat Barber, security guard at the Oklahoma City parking garage. “Hell, I’d take a pay cut if it meant I got to carry a gun like that. Sure, I’d work for Rittenhouse.”

Other industry professionals are more skeptical. Larry Garfield, riot control officer for Portland, Oregon said, “If we started working security along those lines, it wouldn’t last. They’ll wind up paying out the ass for legal expenses with all the murder trials, health insurance for all the PTSD. I just don’t think it will work out, financially.”

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Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

After brief reemergence, JFK Jr. shot dead in Dallas motorcade

This screenshot was taken moments before JFK Jr. was assassinated on his motorcade in Dallas. The video has been scrubbed from every platform, and is no longer available.
This screenshot was taken moments before JFK Jr. was assassinated on his motorcade in Dallas. The video has been scrubbed from every platform, and is no longer available.

DALLAS — John F. Kennedy Jr. appeared briefly in Dallas on Tuesday, as predicted by Qanon, and was seen waving to crowds from the sunroof of his bulletproof Cadillac before he was shot in the torso and carried off in what onlookers described as a black, deep-state ambulance.

He was smiling, “so happy,” and looked like he hadn’t aged a day in 22 years, said Maria Sabinski, 47, who showed up to witness the ‘Dead Kennedy’ come out from hiding.

JFK Jr. was expected to announce Trump’s presidency, dethroning Biden, and explain why everyone thinks he is rising from the dead.

“We heard a crack from the book depository, then two shots rang out from a grassy knoll,” she said, gesturing in each direction.

“His expression changed. He looked surprised, then pained, as he clutched a spot in his belly. They took him out of one black car and put him in another. Then they all sped off together, like a bat out of Hell.”

It's still got that new flag smell
A woman witnesses the assassination in broad daylight of JFK, Jr. who was scheduled to announce Trump the number one best president of all time.

JFK Jr., originally believed by uninquisitive NPC sheeple to have died in a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean in 1999, was expected to declare Donald Trump as president.

Mere seconds before the world-shattering announcement, he was brutally murdered from the old book depository building, a security blind spot that has plagued presidential motorcades passing through Dallas for more than half a century.

Barry Knudsen, core disciple of QAnon and Lieutenant Digital Soldier, told reporters, “We are all QAnon, we are the main characters in this story. Where we go one, we go all.” He gestured at the crowd of weeping fans, “You see these guys and gals here, they aren’t just sheeple hiding behind their computers talking shit, like demoncrats. Look at their faces, they really want to protect the children. They really love the children. They’ll do whatever it takes.”

All mention of the incident was scrubbed from social media. QAnon fans who shared screenshots of deleted posts quickly faced system crashes after which their devices would no longer boot and upon close inspection were wiped of all data.

Dallas Sheriff Harold F. Gloasen told reporters, “We had no reports of a shooting, of shots fired, nothing. There were no permits issued for a motorcade through Dealey Plaza, and certainly no murder case for the long deceased JFK Jr.”

A mother, who asked not to be named, was out shopping with her 1-year-old infant when she passed by the confusion.

“First I was like ‘are they saying the Pledge of Allegiance right now?’ I didn’t even want to walk by them, but there were so many people they were blocking the sidewalk,” she said. “That’s when I saw John F. Kennedy Jr. hanging out of a limousine. I just went ‘huh, I thought he was dead.’ Now I guess he really is.”

The Biden Administration refuses to acknowledge the high-profile assassination of a political leader that until now, was presumed dead.

Our prayers are with the Kennedy family as they attempt to find out which underground deep-state human containment facility is processing the corpse of JFK Jr., the Herald of Truth.

 

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Society

Tinder background checks reveal Chad’s checkered past

Chad Worthington Hardcock, an 18-year-old senior from Hidden Valley High School in Roanoke, Va. was a star quarterback, Valedictorian, and voted by his high school yearbook Most Likely to Learn How to Read.

He once had dignity, poise, and commanded respect. Now, he refers to himself as Tinder’s whipping boy, a scapegoat, and the dating platform’s most misunderstood predator.

Pretty eloquent for a boy who doesn't know how to read, huh? | Chad Worthington Hardcock
Pretty eloquent for a boy who doesn’t know how to read, huh?

That’s just Chad.

Random, unfair background checks being deployed against your boy here are threatening his shit, and unless he changes phone numbers, his dating profile could soon bear the scarlet letter of something he definitely did not do, that you know about.

Following serious allegations, Chad took great efforts to clean up his act, take a shave, and keep appearances up.

For instance, Chad now feeds the homeless. He poisons one meal at random.

Now, Chad attends religious teachings from Mormon philosopher Christopher Nemelka, a quaint, abusive, but fair man with no fixed address, currently residing in Idaho.

“I told him I’m in a real vulnerable place right now, and how young I was,” Chad stated on Facebook. “Chris said I was awesome.”

He joined a social club.

“The Proudbois took me in a minute,” Chad said. “Them and Qanon are awesome.”

Chad’s doing awesome. Still, there have been bumps along the way.

Taking the lead from his new mentors, Chad took a stance on social media to show that he cares about what’s happening in the Middle East. However, in a damaging blow to his ego, he was frothing with white hot jealousy as he learned that while he was out nip-hunting all summer, Middle Eastern rednecks took it upon themselves to sack a capital city.

“That could have been us!” he tweeted. “Jan. 6 was a trial run. Proved there’s no risk.”

As investigators look deeper into fatherless Chad, the Internet Chronicle went and talked to the last of his thinning support network.

Chad’s varsity football coach said his star player’s troubled past ought to explain, if not forgive, his minor transgressions.

“He had some date-rapes under his belt,” Hughes said with a laugh. “He has a few DUIs, but overall, he’s not a bad kid. He is a Hardcock, though. His mom beats him.”

Chad’s mom Karen said she thinks the world of her himbo.

“He’s learned from his past and he’s ready to hide his mistakes,” she said. “He’s matured so much. He has his own attorney now.”

With allegations growing against him amid a widening investigation, Chad says he is ready to stand tall, stare down a judge, and take up space before a jury of his peers.

“I know I didn’t do nothing wrong,” Chad says. “That’s wassup.”

This story is brought to you proudly on strange tapes recorded by Raleigh Sakers.