Experts predict Moore could turn on his drill instructor in a Full Metal Jacket spectrum emotional breakdown, ending in a murder-suicide that will color the remaining plot of his 2015 buddy comedy.
Flint, Mich. — After calling American Sniper hero Chris Kyle a “coward,” and “a camping faggot,” US filmmaker Michael Moore issued a colossal apology in the form of his own enlistment in the armed forces.
“Not only should I not have said those things, I should not have a right to say them,” Moore explained in a tweet. “I understand there are limits to free speech. These people died so Seth Rogen and I could make movies.”
In a statement, Moore acknowledged that the American Army is the best in the world, adding that their fight for freedom has nothing to do with defense firm profits or the goals of arms manufacturers.
Because of his superior physique, commanding officers plan to fast-track Moore into an elite Navy Seal school, where he will learn how to become a master killer, and speak only when necessary.
“Semper Fi motherfuckers,” Moore stated. “I’m an infantryman, now. Bare bones. USA! USA!”
President Barack Hussein Obama was visibly upset by what they done to our boys in upstate Canada.
Wash. D.C.—Not to be pushed into obscurity, Al Qaeda has teamed up again with #ISIS to deliver the deadliest biological weapon known to man: Living Ebola carriers who are not yet symptomatic will bring the virus from Africa to the United States by exploiting dangerous flaws in airport security.
Once thought to be a Western myth, ISIS was originally kicked out of the Al Qaeda terror-ring for being “too extreme.” But desperate times call for desperate crimes, according to the world’s biggest Muslim, President Barack Hussein Obama. And Al Qaeda’s back, and blacker than ever.
“Conventional warfare is no longer hip,” Obama said Wednesday. “If Al Qaeda’s going to keep up, they’re going to have to play by a whole new set of fucked up rules.”
The new wave of terror, dubbed by the President as “Terror 3.0,” is spearheaded by a Canadian sleeper cell bearing direct ties to #ISIS. Rumor has it they had plans to attack a Parliamentary building in Ottawa, however there is no evidence to suggest they carried out their idle, meaningless threats. Still, Obama has said, the new terrorists do not need sleep. They persist without food, air or water. They are white ghosts behind the black, ink-stained pages of pure, unwritten history.
“The terrorist is a grim-faced lunatic who wants nothing more than to destroy freedom by instilling fears into the hearts of good, white American people, and exterminate babies out of hatred for life itself,” Obama said. “They eat clean coal for breakfast and sweat concentrated, crude oil. Just one glance from one of these Jihadist maniacs can turn even our bravest soldiers into stone.”
The president, who has already spoken out against the terrorist organization’s heinous crimes against babies, sparked controversy again by mandating forcible, rape-like anal searches for every man, woman, and especially child, coming into the US via airplane.
“I want fingers in every hole,” the President dictated. “There will be the gnashing of teeth. There will be … tribulation.”
President Obama prepares to enter his final form.
And with the last breath of his final, ominous warning, the President of the United States exploded into a cloud of bats, enveloping the front row of the White House Press Corps, and carried them to Mount Vesuvius where torture awaits lost souls.
The devil is coming, scripture reads. The Antichrist is borne of hatred and paranoid superstition. And he’s looking you right in the eyes, promising a better tomorrow in 2016.
Plans for the X-37B revealed by Edward Snowden show the military’s attempt at total global surveillance of the entire Earth’s surface.
INTERNET—Edward Snowden, hacker and NSA leaker, told reporters Sunday that the United States Air Force plans to deploy hundreds, if not thousands, of production variants of the X-37B spaceplane to maintain constant and total worldwide real time video surveillance.
Snowden told reporters, “In another few years the X-37B will be renamed the SR-76, and planners hope it can carry up to seventy surveillance satellites per orbit, deploying them strategically for constant video coverage of an area the size of Texas. Because the SR-76 is reusable, designers plan for at least fifty launches in the lifetime of each of the spaceplanes. Black budgets I’ve looked at call for the purchase of at least seventy SR-76 space planes to justify development costs, so we can assume that the aim is total surveillance over all populated sectors of the earth’s surface.
The huge data storage centers built by the NSA will be able receive and store these surveillance videos indefinitely, leaving no event on the surface of the earth outside of the permanent gaze of law enforcement and the US military, decades or centuries later.”
Supporter of the US Government and former engineer for the Army, Jebediah Kermon, said, “If it saves just one soldier’s life, it’s worth it. We can’t be caught with our pants down. The Space Race never ended, and we’re really winning, now.”
