MOSCOW – In his new video, a sleepy Edward Snowden demonstrated how to hack any website using only an iPhone and the RAM from a scientific calculator. With these new secrets, Snowden said, literally anyone in the world can carry out an attack on a government agency.
“You hear a lot of talk about TOR and VPNs,” he cautioned, “that’s what LulzSec used to do.” Snowden said use of TOR and VPNs is what blew LulzSec’s cover.
With this new method, he said, “You’re free to take on any government agency. You can carry out really any attack vector on any website … And once you’ve done that, you’re basically a hacker,” he said. “And you’re completely untraceable.”
The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake yet.
The Internet Chronicle tried to warn you about the AntiChrist on your doorstep, people, but now it’s standing in the kitchen cooking pies and poison. With the onset of certain war distant from the public consciousness, the administration of evil is allowed to enact whatever corporate edicts are handed to them, and no one of any importance pays the consequences.
Your children are hungry, with their mouths hanging open, eager to collect whatever dust may blow in because they haven’t seen real food in a decade. They’re fat but malnourished. Your penis no longer responds to anything but scat porn on Redtube. Your girlfriend left you for playing too much golf, and your friends stopped calling because you don’t play enough golf. Your face has become pink from a high sodium diet and now you get winded getting out of bed. What’s the point anymore?
The Internet Chronicle – that’s what. Through all your sadness, hunger, emotional pain and societal decay, The Internet Chronicle has been there for you. For almost a decade The Internet Chronicle has filled your life with meaning where there might only have been a rewarding cocaine addiction. For years now, The Internet Chronicle has brought you the unabashed truth about epic conspiracies spanning the Universe: Chemtrails, John F. Kennedy, HAARP weather control, LSD mind control, public assassinations of high profile targets, and the notorious homosexual agenda of the “American” Pickers.
The American public deserves the shitstorm they get, just as the Internet Chronicle deserves the heaps of praise it receives on a daily basis from outlets such as the AP, CBS and some of those inferior publications we can’t remember. Keep reading, keep learning, and keep the hate held high so that the dollars may flow, directly into our blossoming bank accounts. And for the love of God, keep sending us your insightful comments. We read each and every one.
INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.
After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
[pullquote]The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.[/pullquote]
Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.
The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”
For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.
Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.
The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…
For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Cum on them before they cum on you.
And then create something beautiful.
I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.
MOSCOW – In his new video, a sleepy Edward Snowden demonstrated how to hack any website using only an iPhone and the RAM from a scientific calculator. With these new secrets, Snowden said, literally anyone in the world can carry out an attack on a government agency.
