Peaceful Hate Pain Time

The price of freedom reached an all time high this week as cargo planes carrying food to the famine-stricken regions of Africa were attacked by rebels without a cause. Like the looters in London, these rebels acted out of greed, as African Rebels often do when gang-raping villagers. These freedom fighters then held a feast in celebration of all the food they liberated.

In the midst of famine, war, riots, and hatred, the internet is primarily worried about Facebook statuses and Twitter follows. Governments everywhere are violently thrusting invisible dildos into our sphincters, and the citizenry is powerless to defy their false genitalia.

But what can I do to help?
First, tighten your bums, it’s about to get interesting. Anonymous, as they like to be called, is in the process of “the plan,” a very ambiguous, elusive concept which will be a magical solution to all future dildo problems. But as it is Anonymous, nothing will be accomplished other than a few teenagers getting V&. There’s not even really a plan past that.

So Anonymous is the usual failure. What’s else can I do?
Anders Breivik had an idea, but let’s not go there. Too much writing and bomb-making. Yet we all know peaceful protest is a waste of time, and riots only help until the tanks roll through, crushing anyone in their way. We’ve thinned our options a bit. Perhaps the only solution, dare I say, the “final solution,” may be combining all forms of protest at once. Murder with peace, riot with blogging. A perfectly synchronized attack of peace and hate. This will obviously require Casio watches.

Maybe the “final solution” will be just as much of a fail as #opsony, who can say? A wise man once said, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” He also said, “if it’s broke, fix it.” That second quote is much less famous, but it shouldn’t be. It’s really quite good.

My point, dear reader, is that our ways of standing up and exercising our voice are rapidly being disallowed. We can’t kill people. We can’t even burn copper’s cars in the streets. So join me in the new protest, peaceful hate pain time. We will excecute PHPT sometime in November, the 5th actually, because we want to steal the small press Anonymous will get for the sure disgrace of #opfacebook.

Editor’s note: Chronicle.SU does not endorse Peaceful Hate Pain Time, violence, or any kind of fake internet activism.