Dead Fetus Snuggler defeats Joseph Smith at Iowa Caucus

IOWA – Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are engaged in an epic clash, antlers locked over a heaving wad of cash which is pouring from their wounds like blood. Iowa has drained millions from them, but that is the salient point. My god! 99% precincts reporting, and it’s only a difference of 5 votes! Now the Santorum’s won it. He’s a very special anal sex mixture of cum and feces, according to Urbandictionary.

Here’s the real story, though. Rick Santorum slept with a dead fetus from his miscarriaging wife and Mitt Romney’s a depraved fucking Mormon. Neither of them should be able to make it. A Mormon is the right’s answer to the left electing a Black. After all, religious freedom is a great thing.

But Romney’s still in it, he’s an outsider. He’s not an evil beltway type, he’s a businessman. Romney flips failing businesses, firing thousands of Americans to turn a profit. That’s capitalism for you, a heartless equation of freedom.

Iowa is symbolic because it is the most mediocre place in America. And because of this, they chose the most mediocre candidate possible. This helps predict which candidate will be mediocre enough to get the nomination – a holy thing which guarantees you a place as the president’s occasional critic when you lose to Obama the Osamakiller.