The End Times They Are A-Comin'

The world bank has collapsed leaving billions broke, as the value of the dollar continues to subdivide hourly.

The United States, the most powerful nation in the world, has been purchased by China fora mere $7 octillion [editor’s note: there is not enough gold in the world to support this amount of money by yesterday’s standards, but sources indicate an apathetic overtone to trading worldwide, resulting in massive, state-coordinated suicides].

Russian bombers circle overhead. American citizens do not know whether it will be a care package or a nuclear device falling from each passing airplane. Either way, independent scientists have confirmed the bombers’ routine flight grid is patterning the continental United States with chemtrails – a swine flu vaccine comprised of 90% mercury, 5% Tamiflu, 2.5% Red Bull, and an unknown ratio of wolf piss to iodine.

Citizens are commanded not to shoot their firearms toward the Russian Angels of Death buzzing overhead, but instead to turn their guns on themselves for a quick-trigger path to what inevitably lies ahead. Sources say, “Jesus will forgive you.”

At the stroke of midnight, the power-grid to the Eastern seabord is to be disconnected to allow for the invasion and scheduled genocide of the stretch of beachhead from Florida to New Jersey. New York, sources say, has become officially “worthless” and will be “spared.”

The upside to all this? Bit torrents still work; in fact, they are attributed by analysts to be the root cause of this sudden change in socio-political landscape. Prepare for chaos.