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Entertainment Uncontrollable Patriotism новости

New Game Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 Makes Imperialism Fun Again

Hold onto your rights, because War just went global!

Respawn Entertainment, founded by top developers from Infinity Ward, maker of the bestselling Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series have announced plans to release a new game they say will allow players to enjoy the gut wrenching realism of indefinite military occupations.

Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Co-creator and sadomasochist Frank West said all people deserve to witness, and even partake in, the atrocities of war.

“We thought, why should brown people be the only ones lucky to experience the horrors of modern warfare? With Modern Occupation 2, we want to bring the nightmarish reality of war into every American’s living room.”

Vincent Zampella, co-founder of Respawn Entertainment said, “We want to move gameplay away from the kill or be killed mindset. I am fucking sick of it, you’re sick of it and we all want the emails to stop. In Modern Occupation 2, every advancement presents a gray area in which gamers are forced to make split second decisions that may affect them for the rest of their lives – in some cases, more horrifically than war itself; for instance, your character may come down with PTSD if you shoot an unarmed child. Conversely, this is likely to occur even if the child is armed.”

In a live demo, very small children carrying toys and presents walked up to the player to give him gifts of baked goods – but as it happened, Sonjay’s teddy bear actuated a thermite bomb in the bread basket, killing everyone on screen. Leading up to random events such as these, the decision to shoot on sight is in the hands of the player.

An Afghani clears away rubble, but not fast enough.
The decision to execute this man may fall on your shoulders.

Civilian kills are penalized, but if the gamer can turn a murder into an accidental suicide, or frame the bodies to look like insurgents – either by planting guns around their homes or, during online play, calling on other players to support an alibi before his commanding officer – then he will no longer face court marshal and play continues.

However unlike previous iterations of the Call of Duty franchise, which pitted gamers against the Taliban in Afghanistan and challenged them to defend Northern Virginia from Russian invaders, Zampella said Modern Occupation 2 is variably paced.

“For example, in Realistic Mode, a player may find himself standing watch for ten, twelve hours at a time – changing only to adjust for his or her declining opinion of the military industrial complex.”

Additionally, as with any occupation, the political landscape plays an important role. Players may suddenly “disappear” or find that they’ve been targeted for political assassination if, during online play for example, gamers of the same faction invaded Pakistan’s airspace to the chagrin of a terrorist-sympathizing Presidential body, dozens of Seal Team Six may be deliberately targeted for assassination by groups allied forces never expect.

West said, “War games have become so realistic by now, that if children aren’t balled up in front of their televisions in the fetal position, in fresh puddles of their own urine, then we aren’t doing our jobs right.”

A press release posted Saturday on Respawn Entertainment’s website said the company hopes to get Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 out while images of ground-based occupations are still revolting to American audiences. Videogame industry insiders fear many gamers are becoming more rapidly desensitized with each new release, which market analysts believe could cut into profits.

American audiences were enamored by the non-stop carnage of Capcom’s mid-summer release of African Vengeance: Genocidal Rapestorm, in which gamers are challenged to saw a Somalian woman’s arms off while simultaneously gang-fucking her in a flaming blood-spattered hut, or be shot for insubordination.

“I loved circumcising young girls in the bush, but after a while it was just a button-masher,” said eleven year old Kevin Jones of Boston, Mass. When asked what changes Kevin thinks would improve upon his favorite war game, he said, “More mini games like where I get to shove hot phosphorous in my enemy’s eyes using the Wii mote. That was so fun!”

Facing stiff competition from all sides, West said they are comfortable pushing back the release of Modern Occupation 2 to give developers a chance to add features he hopes will keep bloodthirsty fans coming back for more. Some new features include torture chambers, mini-games in which the player herds civilians into cages, and various rage meters West said will gauge a character’s contempt for the people he is enlisted to protect, adding a whole new tier of depth through multipliers and hate crimes.

If pushed back, gamers can expect to unleash their xenophobia on the digital world just in time for the holiday season.

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News Technology

HACKERS FREE PRISON INMATES USING BACKDOOR EXPLOIT

Thousands of prisoners escape with their clothes on
Hackers were even able to program clothes onto escaping prisoners.

SAN QUENTIN, Calif. — More than one thousand inmates escaped from their prison cells across the United States Wednesday following the release of a volatile computer bug used mainly in the hijacking of nuclear weapons control systems.

Last week at Defcon, the hacker conference, a technological flaw in prison security software was discreetly showcased before a handful of onlookers, provided spectators promised not to say anything about it.

Capital Punishment

The massive breakout occurred just before 3 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. Latest reports say 1,233 of the more than 5,000 prisoners awoke to their cell doors opening. Usually that means breakfast, but guards were nowhere to be seen. All but two fled and only seven were captured alive. Many were fatally wounded.

CITIZENS: LOCK YOUR DOORS. BE ADVISED: The cell blocks affected by Wednesday’s hack housed only inmates serving sentences in excess of 25 years. In other words, there are violent criminals roaming the streets of Southern California, as usual.

Convicted for armed robbery, loves Antisec
Convicted for armed robbery, loves Antisec.

These include more than 1,000 convicted murderers, rapists, gang members, blacks, and worst of all, Mexicans likely inhabiting the barren lawless California desert of San Quentin. If anyone in an orange numbered jumpsuit ask you for a ride, just say no, unless you think he looks legit.

San Quentin State Prison Warden Mike Martel said, “Sure, we might lose a few prisoners, but those .commies will fill their places. I fucking hate kids, and their damn computers. So when are we doing this interview?”

One prisoner who escaped by way of the hacked beta version of the hack-in-progress said he is grateful for the efforts put forth by anonymous computer hackers, “whatever the fuck that means.”

Many dozens of prisoners scrambled over top of each other just to get through the open doors. Video surveillance tapes played back scenes of utter chaos as a herd of inmates bottlenecked, taking gunfire at the open bay doors near the front of San Quentin State Prison.

Scooter McLintock, 39, is serving two life sentences for the 1997 rape and murder of his two elderly South Beach neighbors. McLintock – along with many others – opted to take their chances and bum rushed the open front doors to the prison, where outside, freedom awaited survivors.

“We was thinkin’: what if we jus all rush out dat door at once, ya know? The guards can shoot at us, but they can’t kill us all. They ain’t kill me. But I had this big colored man on top a me get shot an’ he was screamin’ like a lil’ bitch. Like a scared little bitch wit blood squirtin’ out his mouf an’ shit.”

Famous Unknown People

Last year, a cyber worm known as Stuxnet disabled Iran’s nuclear centrifuges, slowing or possibly crippling their once-thriving nuclear weapons program. The Stuxnet worm is still considered the most sophisticated cyberweapon ever made. It disabled the centrifuges by attacking a “programmable logic controller,” which is the same type of computer used, ironically, in America’s prisons.

Martel explained why they use such sophisticated, yet flawed technology in San Quentin’s holding facilities. “In America, prisoners are considered a commodity where prisons are privately operated. That’s why we treat them with the same level of protection as Iran treats its controversial nuclear program. Because we care. About money.”

David Blanche of Lebal Drocer Correctional Authority said the most recent outbreak is the largest in world history, and authorities are actively searching for someone to blame. Critics of hacker culture point at Defcon for condoning cybercrime, but “mainly because they are older, they still blame MTV.”

A group of unidentified and highly-skilled hackers – not to be mistaken with the club of misfits going by “Anonymous” – bought a programmable logic controller for testing purposes. Such computers are commercially available for less than $2,500.

Using this hyperrealistic computer simulation, hackers were able to determine the possible effects of remotely opening a prison door.
Using this hyperrealistic computer simulation, hackers were able to determine the possible effects of remotely opening a prison door.

Within days of testing, hackers achieved success by way of a simulated attack on their own machines using their newly developed cyberbug.

Chronicle.SU editor and Anonymous insider Kilgore Trout abused his anonymous credentials and dug into their possible involvement. Once again, his skepticism proved itself.

You read it here, folks: Sabu has openly admitted to orchestrating the Antisec cybercrime of the century.

While talking with Sabu in a private IRC, Trout bragged about the completion of  his latest cyberbug. Because all anons care about how cool people think their fake online identity is, Sabu’s inner anonfag came  crawling out to bite the hook. He said, “That’s one hell of a bug, but guess who just released a bug into San Quentin State Prison?”

1337_H4X0R5_BR4
lol, #freetopiary

Sabu instructed Trout to “Keep it on the dl bro,” but the Chronicle.SU is not some pussy collective that respects the meaning of ‘off the record.’ “I’m not trying to get v&,” Sabu pleaded. But Trout said, “Tough shit.”

The bottomless compulsion to achieve notoriety based on a seemingly endless stream of pointless, shitty attacks caused many in the hacker community  to doubt whether the world may ever again blame Anonymous for anything  outside of ruining an online forum. But Sabu came through.

While anons and fanboys fapped mercilessly upon their prepubescent penises with thoughts running through their  heads of meth lab informants being hunted down and killed  after mass d0xing of police contacts, more people are now being raped and killed – this time because of criminals they helped free from prison.

The Final Solution

Prison guard Antonio Rueda, 43, responded with force to the security breach. He said they tried to preserve lives, but then were just like, fuck it. “Following the ineffective use of non-lethal bullets and pepper spray,” Rueda said, “we resorted to rifle fire and rape sticks. Still, some escaped and we’re really kicking ourselves for failing to run autoupdate on Windows XP Home Edition.”

After news of the breakout went public, prison technicians around the globe began looking into alternative security measures and solutions that couldn’t be so easily hacked.

“We’re going to take a look at our router settings, make sure NAT’s turned off. That’s probably the issue.”

This breaking coverage was brought to you graciously by your friends here at Lebal Drocer, Inc. We are pleased to announce the Grand Opening of our Megajail™ next week. It will feature brand new locking mechanisms designed using the latest in Iranian lockdown technology, operated directly by the mind of dead Lebal Drocer president, Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Megajail™ reminds you, once you’re in, you’re in. We  own everything that matters, and now jails.

(disclaimer: Lebal Drocer, Inc., is not responsible for limbs lost by closing cell doors. The system is fully automated, as is our transcendental President’s brain, and the prisoners must learn to adhere to the times doors open and shut.)

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Categories
Editorial Religion Uncontrollable Patriotism

Peter King To Rescue Fear-Gripped Midwest From Shariah Law

Peter King
Peter King, Terrorist

WASHINGTON — Congressional defenders of the terrorist organization, People’s Mujahedin of Iran, continue to ensure a Middle East bereft of peace. After years and years of butthurt regarding the fundamentalist Islamic threat to Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kansas and Oklahoma New York Representative Peter King has finally harnessed the hate in such a way that he will one day be elected President of the World. In so-called “flyover country,” paranoia has reached a fever pitch with regards to the immediate and overwhelming threat that shariah law surely poses to America’s heartland. While Christianity remains the predominant opiate of the massive masses, each burkha seen in public raises rational fears of Taliban oppression in America’s heartland.

Phone hackers revealed negotiations between the People’s Mujahedin of Iran and Peter King, in which the exchange of child sex-slaves for weaponry was discussed. King has responded with alarmist accusations that phone hackers targeted the families of 9/11 victims in order to deflect personal scandal and protect his position of power.

We here at the Chronicle support fundamental biblical literalism when it comes from the mouth of a male-only Christian black-metal band. Unless delivered in that context, we don’t grasp that whole religion thing. The bipartisan congressional coalition is walking a dangerous wire over what is really quite reasonable State Department policy categorizing the MEK as a murderous terrorist organization. The congressional allies are desperately trying to ratchet up Iran’s internal violence, validating groups like the Basij, the Iranian religious police, famous for firing live ammunition into angry mobs during the recent Green Revolution of the educated, elite Tehranian youth.

MEK’s allies in congress are known supporters of terrorism. Peter King has been instrumental in official US support for terrorist groups, not only with respect to the MEK, but also the Irish Republican Army, whose victims he is too cowardly to directly confront.

If we here at the Chronicle could have our druthers, maybe we would ask that women spend the whole of their public lives inside tightly-sealed cloth bags. We really don’t know the solution to dealing with moral time travelers (seriously, like the 13th century or something) like the Taliban. But we’re pretty sure that offering comfort and encouragement to those who indiscriminately target civilians with violence is a surefire way to undermine message control with the Westboro Baptist Church’s southwest-Asian franchise.

The way to get the theocrats to simply chill is no, not to bomb them further back into the Stone Age – but to get them watching David Letterman – learning that maybe a few Jews weren’t sent a text message warning them to leave Tower 2. They must discover for themselves the joys of celebrity gossip and the evils of orange people with bleach blonde hair. And if you look quite closely at Iranian society, you’ll see that the proverbial sticks in the mud are aware of this. “Occidentalosis,” the multilingual call it there, like it was a highly-resistant bacterial infection. And it is!

Secretary of State Clinton has been very adamant in her denial of United States interference in the contested Iranian elections and the resulting turmoil. But other State Department officials have confirmed the use of spies during the protests, equipped with illegal satellite phone technology which fueled the propagation of dissident-associated media. We here at the Chronicle utterly loathe the Internet-censoring agenda of Iran and any state that attacks this fundamental human right. The diplomatic arm of our government has been talking out of both sides of its mouth, and one side of the mouth is drawn up as a result of a massive stroke known as WikiLeaks. Americans are coming to terms with the fact their government acts as the leather straps on the rape table, holding them down so mega-corporations can fuck them easier. And they can’t blame it on anyone but themselves anymore. Now they must simply admit, “I don’t care about the news ‘n all that stuff’s goin’ on.” Don’t expect that to get “Late Show” top-10 lists on TV anytime soon.

It never fails to amaze that fundies of different stripes are each other’s worst enemies, when really they seem to want the same basic underlying goals for society: Women out of the workplace and homosexuals closeted or dead – from Gay Related Immune Deficiency, of course, not dead because they fought in the Army. The only “serious” differences in fundie types are alterations in the underlying cartoon narrative of anthropology, familial histories, flying men and talking donkeys.

Seriously, I’m utterly bewildered that I get into serious conversations with moderately-educated adults that round out with their insistence that bread can be transformed into the flesh of Christ, which they desperately want to consume. Cocksuckers. How did such complete dishonesty become perversely confused with piety? How many licks does it take to get to the center of that Tootsie Pop? How many sips of wine before I get GRID from the blood of Jesus?

Anyone outside fundamentalist ideology is rendered completely unable to reason with the actual, practical consequences of these dogmatic narratives, and moreover the people with the most in common, the fundies, are left without the obligation of any pragmatic purpose behind their regressive policies. The truth is the fundies of all stripes deserve to be killed by one another, and maybe they would have joined forces if not for the utterly ridiculous excuse they have concocted for the most ethnically-segregated day of the week. In America, we all know which one it is.

Organized religion is probably the slickest, most effective ad campaign for racial separatism. Ever. Earlier this year, Public Policy Polling unveiled a disturbing 400-person survey of Mississippi Republican primary voters, and it turns out that a fantasically-nauseating 46 percent of the participants were willing to tell a complete stranger on the phone that they believe that interracial marriage should be illegal. And we’re not particularly convinced that polling the buckle of the Bible belt’s Democrats would end up much better. The point remains the same: Religiosity and racial separatism, a match made in hell.

Support for the MEK is just another brash fury that will prove exactly counterproductive to the stated goals of the ongoing U.S. excursions into the Middle East. It will further fan the flames through its insidious, tacit insistence that Islam, not terrorism, is the source of evil on Earth and the equivalent of Satanism. And if Islam is the problem, we’re pretty sure terrorism, per se, is the far, far bigger one. Surely, if MEK’s congressional allies understood the degree to which even these Iranian secularists desire the legacy of Islam to at least play a cultural role in their government — they’re called the “mujahedin,” for crying out loud — they would have nothing to do with them. It would be the wrong reason for disassociation but it at least would be a reason.

Check Back for in-depth interviews with top Lebal Drocer executives who will explain why it is not only better, but completely necessary to die by the millions in never-ending war than live for one day in boring, agonizing peace.