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Beyoncé Commits Suicide, age 31

HOUSTON — Fans mourn the loss of Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter after a series of high-profile public embarrassments. Sunday, some fans blamed a blackout during the Super Bowl on Beyoncé’s extravagant halftime show, which featured the world’s biggest neon lights shaped like Beyoncé’s face. This comes on the heels of allegations Beyoncé lip-synced “The Star Spangled Banner” at President […]

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Britney Spears ‘desperately addicted to the internet’

LAS VEGAS–Britney Spears is at it again, but this time her family has stepped in to prevent her dangerous, but not-so-teenage pop star antics. Currently working on a $100 million deal, the former starlet will be performing Las Vegas shows, like a ‘slave’, each night at the TransAtlantis Casino and Resort Hotel. The 31-year-old’s worsening […]

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“Immortality gene” discovered in remote African tribe

Kisangani, DRC–Ethnologists working with newly-rediscovered tribes of Enya, located near Kisangani in the Democratic Republic of Congo, announced evidence supporting the existence of an “immortality gene.” Expedition leader and genetic anthropologist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, said, “At first we did not believe the shaman who told us the ages of many members of the tribe. […]