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Editorial Fashion

Lebal Drocer CEOs asked: “Why aren’t there more broads in the workplace?”

Tiffany, from Lebal Drocer, Inc. enjoys a long, storied career answering phones, and fetching Kilgoar's coffee.
Tiffany, from Lebal Drocer, Inc. enjoys a long, storied career answering phones, and fetching Kilgoar’s coffee.

dr troubadourHi, I’m Dr. Angstr Hirem Troubledames and I am chief of human resources at the legendary chemical warfare contractor and Internet Chronicle publisher Lebal Drocer, Inc. At Lebal Drocer we specialize in putting tear gas and mustard gas into the wrong hands at the right time. Watch out Assad! The chemical monster’s comin’ to gitcha! (Just kidding. We like to have fun, here! [But seriously, watch it]).

But I come to you today with a message. Good tidings. And I’d like to extend a veiny, rock-hard olive branch to all the pretty ladies out there just looking for a job, or an excuse to leave the house.

More to the point, my bosses have been riding me like a whore four on the floor over hiring practices, and our lawyers are telling me it’s high time we show a little beaver in the workplace. So here’s my pitch (a “pitch” is when one man tries to sell his idea to another man – or, in this case – a woman):

Construction workers are often misunderstood as misogynistic, aggressive cat callers according to Lebal Drocer Ethics Board Chairman Raleigh T. Hatesec.

“In actuality,” Dr. Hatesec explained, “the men shouting from down in that hole are trying to lure more women into the workplace, where their absence is sorely frustrating.”

I get it. Sometimes while we’re driving rivets into steel, we like to be reminded it’s nice to FUCK something, so this is why I look around at the cock-worshiping, Freudian dildo cigar gauntlet that is the Lebal Drocer Tower lobby and I think, ‘Hey, you know what would look good in that corner right over there? A beautiful woman. Have her answer the phone or something.’

I went into the Yahoo! office and first thing I noticed was this beautiful blonde with big tits, dressed like she wanted it. I said ,”Now there’s a tall drink of water!” And this dame works here. I leaned into her, real close – she could smell my essence – and I said, “Hey there Sugar Tits, you got a daddy? Because Daddy’s standing right here, you feel me? ‘Cause I feel you. Now here’s 20 bucks. Buy yourself somethin’ cheap.”

The answer to the question, where are all the broads, is you, ladies. Get off your asses, quit spending your husbands’ money, and come get a job already. If you act now, and submit your little resumé to Lebal Drocer, Inc. Cuthbert, Ga. we’ll even throw in a complimentary handbag, because we know how much you like that shit.

Come get interviewed by two or three guys.
Come get interviewed by two or three guys.

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News

Mothman spotted on White House during Trump inauguration

Mothman, the unparalleled bad omen, was spotted landing on the White House as Donald Trump was inaugurated.

INTERNET — As President Donald Trump was sworn in at the Lincoln memorial, Benjamin Price was one of the few photographers not in attendance. A photo of what he called, “a tremendous, dark, winged  creature” landing on top of the White House has gone viral, with Roseanne calling it ‘the mothman’ in a tweetstorm heralding the very end.

The mothman was last spotted in 1967, landing on the Silver Bridge before it collapsed, killing 46 people.

While many say that the viral “Mothman” photo is only a confused heron, most on social media agree this is a prophecy of doom not only for the president, but for the entire nation. “When Mothman lands on the White House that means it’s the end, and it ain’t just the end for him. This is for all of America, and it’s coming sooner rather than later,” said former Trump supporter and famous West Virginian Jesco White. “We’s all already dead because we’ve been fooled by the devil.”

Reportedly, mothman’s landing took place at the exact moment Trump officially became president. Famous columnist and novelist Laurie Penny tweeted that she began her period “with a vengeance,” at this moment as well, perhaps affected by the gaze of the mothman.

Further sightings of the mothman have been reported as the evil creature shifts through the haze of teargas making his way back to the safe harbors of the Appalachians.

“I think he don’t like what we’ve done to these mountains,” White said. “He’s just letting us know he’s got something real bad in store for us.”

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Trump administration unveils plan for walls on the borders of all fifty states

Trump unveils plans for a wall to divide America

INTERNET– Donald Trump’s spokesperson Kellyanne Conway unveiled a “huge” new plan for a series of walls that will not only secure the Mexican border, but every single state border as well.

“With states like Colorado and California providing sanctuary cities for illegals and openly trafficking in illegal drugs, it’s not enough to build just one small wall,” Kellyanne Conway told reporters on CNN. “We’ve been looking at a more ambitious program to build walls on state borders, too. In some places we’re even looking at walls around counties, towns, or cities.”

Political scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “Trump and his sons are going to cash in majorly on what promises to be the biggest building program of all time. They’re going to build a grid of walls across the entire nation, the equivalent of 10,000 Great Walls of China. By restricting the movement of citizens in this way, Trump will be able to effectively sanction local governments. By the time they’re done outlining every county, they’ll probably keep building and building. Walls around neighborhoods, walls around homes, walls inside of homes dividing up families.”

Trump’s spokesperson also hinted to reporters at CNN on future plans for an “Atlantic Wall” that will line the coasts and prevent any possibility of invasion or illegal migration through the ocean.