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Trump administration moves forward with plans for ‘Nuclear 9/11’ inside job

The Trump Administration is planning a ‘nuclear 9/11’

INTERNET — The Trump White House, already struggling under multiple scandals and unprecedented low approval ratings, is desperate for any distraction. Most of the new administration, including Trump himself, are believers that 9/11 was an inside job, and have begun discussions on how to repeat this Bush-era success on an even larger scale. Leakers tell Internet Chronicle that discussions have focused on whether to use a “dirty bomb” or “two or three megatons” on Trump’s least favorite city, Chicago. Trump has even brought in expert truther, Alex Jones, to plan the specifics of the attack for maximum psychological impact.

“It’s a tall order to top 9/11,” Jones reportedly said, “And I don’t think a dirty bomb is going to do it. It’s got to be full-on nuclear or forget about it.”

Military advisers are struggling to appease Trump but believe there’s no way to pull off a nuclear false flag. General Petraeus told Trump, “Our weapons leave unmistakable traces, and any nuclear scientist can detect where the material was mined and produced by simple tests of the fallout.”

Jones roared at the generals, “We KNOW about the thermite, we KNOW about the missile at the pentagon. We CONTROL the news.”

General Petraeus suggested, “We have a disarmament program and exchange nuclear materials with Russia. This would be the easiest way to make it look as if terrorists are behind the nuking.”

This suggestion enraged Trump who stood up and began to strategize, “If we can land Seal Team Six and grab Obama– I mean Osama–out of Pakistan, can’t we just go in there and grab a bonafide Islamic nuke? I get no respect, no respect.” The group of generals began to laugh at this witty one liner, delivered in Trump’s typical bombastic, outrageous frat boy stand up style. However, the mirth turned to stunned silence as Trump turned on his evil grin and sat quietly in his chair, pointing at each of the generals and delivering his most famous catchphrase. “You’re fired, and you’re fired, and you’re fired,” purging the military of its most competent leaders.

General Alex Jones was last spotted hyping up Seal Team Six, shouting at them, “I envy you WARRIORS! YOU have a chance to give your life for something bigger than 9/11, the final fight that will bring freedom to every individual on earth. Go in there and GET THAT ISLAMIC BOMB.”

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Editorial Fashion

Lebal Drocer CEOs asked: “Why aren’t there more broads in the workplace?”

Tiffany, from Lebal Drocer, Inc. enjoys a long, storied career answering phones, and fetching Kilgoar's coffee.
Tiffany, from Lebal Drocer, Inc. enjoys a long, storied career answering phones, and fetching Kilgoar’s coffee.

dr troubadourHi, I’m Dr. Angstr Hirem Troubledames and I am chief of human resources at the legendary chemical warfare contractor and Internet Chronicle publisher Lebal Drocer, Inc. At Lebal Drocer we specialize in putting tear gas and mustard gas into the wrong hands at the right time. Watch out Assad! The chemical monster’s comin’ to gitcha! (Just kidding. We like to have fun, here! [But seriously, watch it]).

But I come to you today with a message. Good tidings. And I’d like to extend a veiny, rock-hard olive branch to all the pretty ladies out there just looking for a job, or an excuse to leave the house.

More to the point, my bosses have been riding me like a whore four on the floor over hiring practices, and our lawyers are telling me it’s high time we show a little beaver in the workplace. So here’s my pitch (a “pitch” is when one man tries to sell his idea to another man – or, in this case – a woman):

Construction workers are often misunderstood as misogynistic, aggressive cat callers according to Lebal Drocer Ethics Board Chairman Raleigh T. Hatesec.

“In actuality,” Dr. Hatesec explained, “the men shouting from down in that hole are trying to lure more women into the workplace, where their absence is sorely frustrating.”

I get it. Sometimes while we’re driving rivets into steel, we like to be reminded it’s nice to FUCK something, so this is why I look around at the cock-worshiping, Freudian dildo cigar gauntlet that is the Lebal Drocer Tower lobby and I think, ‘Hey, you know what would look good in that corner right over there? A beautiful woman. Have her answer the phone or something.’

I went into the Yahoo! office and first thing I noticed was this beautiful blonde with big tits, dressed like she wanted it. I said ,”Now there’s a tall drink of water!” And this dame works here. I leaned into her, real close – she could smell my essence – and I said, “Hey there Sugar Tits, you got a daddy? Because Daddy’s standing right here, you feel me? ‘Cause I feel you. Now here’s 20 bucks. Buy yourself somethin’ cheap.”

The answer to the question, where are all the broads, is you, ladies. Get off your asses, quit spending your husbands’ money, and come get a job already. If you act now, and submit your little resumé to Lebal Drocer, Inc. Cuthbert, Ga. we’ll even throw in a complimentary handbag, because we know how much you like that shit.

Come get interviewed by two or three guys.
Come get interviewed by two or three guys.

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Mothman spotted on White House during Trump inauguration

Mothman, the unparalleled bad omen, was spotted landing on the White House as Donald Trump was inaugurated.

INTERNET — As President Donald Trump was sworn in at the Lincoln memorial, Benjamin Price was one of the few photographers not in attendance. A photo of what he called, “a tremendous, dark, winged  creature” landing on top of the White House has gone viral, with Roseanne calling it ‘the mothman’ in a tweetstorm heralding the very end.

The mothman was last spotted in 1967, landing on the Silver Bridge before it collapsed, killing 46 people.

While many say that the viral “Mothman” photo is only a confused heron, most on social media agree this is a prophecy of doom not only for the president, but for the entire nation. “When Mothman lands on the White House that means it’s the end, and it ain’t just the end for him. This is for all of America, and it’s coming sooner rather than later,” said former Trump supporter and famous West Virginian Jesco White. “We’s all already dead because we’ve been fooled by the devil.”

Reportedly, mothman’s landing took place at the exact moment Trump officially became president. Famous columnist and novelist Laurie Penny tweeted that she began her period “with a vengeance,” at this moment as well, perhaps affected by the gaze of the mothman.

Further sightings of the mothman have been reported as the evil creature shifts through the haze of teargas making his way back to the safe harbors of the Appalachians.

“I think he don’t like what we’ve done to these mountains,” White said. “He’s just letting us know he’s got something real bad in store for us.”