Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Thanks to Wikileaks new documents have come forth describing the ultimate and final conspiracy, Pizzagate. Only as its jaws have closed around us do we see the beast. An insider document, leaked in a comment on Reddit, proved that elites absorb the scientifically proven “seat of the soul” of up to thirty babies on one pizza. There is an entire industry set up behind the polite exterior of the US food industry, a secret holocaust of child murder and abortion. After babies are aborted, their pineal glands are harvested and processed by Planned Parenthood’s front operations at every major food corporation. These processed human glands are not only included on top of pizzas at parties for elites. The following may be shocking and unthinkable, as if out of a dystopian novel, but it is proven true through empirical testing and evidence. Traces of baby souls, the chemical DMT, are included in nearly all food products in the United States.

DMT, the so called “spirit molecule,” is the scientific, proven apple of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. When taking a DMT trip, practitioners feel they are given the knowledge and experience of God himself. This deception is the purest manifestation of the devil and is an addiction that drives elites towards cataclysm.

Globalist elites purposefully hide the residue of baby soul molecules in all cooking oils and processed foods, often labeled as Natural Flavoring. Putting baby souls into the food and drink supply turns all Americans slightly satanist, so that they will worship their satanic leaders, such as Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and yes – even Bernie. It causes urges to fornicate, especially without the protection of condoms. The so-called soul glut in the latest years has flooded the market and is attributed by some to Miley Cyrus. Ultimately the soul glut was caused by an incredible spike in teenage pregnancy and abortions, and addicts like Hillary Clinton have been getting very sick from overdose. Rumors have spread that Trump is the “Keith Richards” of baby soul abuse, and elites chose him to be president because the doses he takes would kill most anyone else. Another famed elite, Alex Jones, is one of the few who can hang with Trump. Jones is an evangelist elite who uses clever tricks and reverse psychology to recruit hundreds and thousands into becoming satanist, globalist elites. Impartial tests of emergency rations obtained from Infowars shows that they’re so full of baby souls that eating one can a day can rival the DMT intake elites only dreamed of back in the 60’s and 70’s.

As the scientists have found new ways to increase the density of DMT crystals, an increase in demand has volatilized the glutted soul markets of the nuclear proliferated global death camp. Among elites, the concern is that soon the stopgap souls out of Syria and Iraq will dry up with demand higher than ever. While a handful of revolutionary processes have transformed shipping, purity, and quality of the product and may forestall the outbreak of a major nuclear war, new experimental endeavors stretch the market even farther. The hope among elites is that Trump will fire some nukes off in any old direction to grab enough souls so that the final scientific breakthroughs can be made. Elites believe these experiments will unveil the universal theory of science that can turn man into God himself. Through a process of applying extreme pressure in near absolute-zero temperatures, DMT crystals transform into a Bose-Einstein condensate which “transcends” known physics, opening small wormholes to a frightening apocalyptic world that might be hell or even satan’s lair, which scientists believe they can harness for green energy independence. To create a network of permanent, human-sized energy portals to this other world, elites are preparing a massive world war with a quota of three billion souls to complete the soul condensate wormholes to hell. Already, some demons and undead humans have passed back and forth through prototype gateways, and have been deployed in the experimental reactors of Zumwalt class ships.

INTERNET — Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, CEO and founder of Internet Chronicle, chairman of the World Fake News conference, issued a stern warning to the world, Friday. The beloved editor emeritus told reporters, “Fake News and its path of deceit reveals a transcendent truth, but only if readers have a good intention in their hearts. Get right with god, and it doesn’t matter what lies you believe or recount to friends, you will be on the shining path to glory and truth.”

The conference room, filled with millions of dollars of silver vapors that ensure everlasting health, erupted in cheers and orgasmic shrieks from the amyl-nitrate snorting Thompsonites. This group, dressed exactly like Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing, sent forward its deputy spokesperson who would answer to no name but Dr. Gonzo. “Even at this moment,” Dr. Gonzo said, “There are millions of people who believe the world’s governments are run by pineal gland eating, adrenochrone suckling, child-blood injecting satanists who make babies into pepperonis. And they’re stroking their guns, eyeing their own children, wanting that piece of power for themselves.”

Alex Jones took the stage at one point, giving everyone the finger and saying, “What you people do is to cheapen what I do. You’re just trolls. Can’t you get with Freedom? Can’t you rise above the trolling, and be a part of something real?” Jones was promptly escorted off the premises, but not before several of the Thompsonites held him down and took a dark, dehydrated, toxin-rich piss into each of his orifices.

Brian Williams also took the stage for a moment, but due to technical difficulties was maimed by a sudden helicopter attack and was wheeled off the premises with third degree burns and severe internal bleeding.

A group of CIA strategists watched the conference erupt into violence, quietly nodding in a corner and taking notes.

INTERNET — Scientists are forecasting mini-moon conditions for Thursday. This means that smallest moon in the history of the world so far will appear in the night skies, and some believe it is the trigger for upcoming cataclysmic world events.

“The moon’s gonna be small,” said Astronomer Royal Sir Angstrom of Troubador. “Real small. Better break out the binoculars for this moon. Just google it, Mini-moon. It’s a thing that I didn’t invent just now.”

“What I do know,” Troubador continued, “Is that I don’t really believe these scientists who tell me things anymore. I’m smart. I don’t need them to tell me the same things about gravity again and again.

Troubador donned his most official hat, speaking in a low, drilling tone that bored into the ear of this very reader, you, “What I don’t know? Oh, that’s when things get terrifying. The mini-moon will usher in the era of something, and I think it’ll have to do with Donald Trump. Whether this is an upset at the electoral college, some kind of assassination, or a dramatic declaration of a world war and firing of nukes at some major cities, I can’t say. It may even be that all the monuments in Washington DC are melted by communist terrorists who loaded ten million gallons of sulphuric acid into a fire fighting aircraft. But I don’t know. And that’s what’s truly terrifying. I can predict the mini-moon, but what does it mean? It’s just a MacGuffin, like R2D2. Bleepledy Bleep Bloo. Bleepledy Bleep Bloo. The Internet Chronicle? Who are you anyway? Bleepeldy. Means the moons gonna be small. Next time it’ll get even smaller, god dammit.”