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Donald Trump promises to pardon Snowden, Assange, and Manning

Donald Trump pardons American Heroes
Donald Trump pardons American Heroes

THE SWAMP — Sunday evening at a Republican fundraising dinner in Washington DC, Donald Trump promised to pardon Edward Snowden, Julian Assange, and Chelsea Manning.

Speaking to the group of neoconservative elites, Trump said, “These are people who have done good things, heroic things for America. Heroes. Meanwhile the Mexicans are rewarded with citizenship for having babies on our land, illegally. I think we need to change things around a bit, deny citizenship to all Mexicans forever. But first thing’s first, we’re going to build the wall.”

Trump even suggested he is considering appointing Snowden and Assange to positions in his cabinet, saying, “These are smart, smart people. Just look at what they’ve done for us already. Why are we going after them, rather than asking for their help? Think about it. If we spent as much time going after ISIS as we spend on them — well there wouldn’t have ever been an ISIS. I might hire them.

“Hillary’s emails were a disaster. Total. Disaster. That’s why I’m going to get Snowden be my Cyber General. I’m going to go to war on hackers and secure our computers. Don’t get me wrong, I love computers. But ISIS uses computers a lot, and we must be vigilant.”

“Assange, he knows so much. So so much. If anyone can help me to drain the swamp, it’s Assange. I think he’d make a great secretary of state.”

 

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Corporate Army smashes Dakota barbarians near lucrative pipeline

Faceless marauders crushed a Native Rebellion on Friday that threatened to impede construction of a sweet new oil pipeline across the Northern US.

Citing unfounded claims that oil pipelines leak into water supplies, opposition forces escalated their protest into a mounted assault that led to the injury of at least a few of their horses.

The sheriff’s department participated in the defense, having pledged allegiance to the neoliberal javelin of law, and vowed to smash savagery at its root, even if it means cleansing.

“Ethnic cleansing is not a word I like to use, because it evokes images of holocaust and genocide,” he said. “But we must leave all options on the table.”

Dakota Access Pipeline is projected to be profitable as FUCK and totally keep oil prices low as shit, y’all, so chill. Get those bad thoughts out of your heads. It’s gonna be DANK once that fucker gets built. I’m talking $1.99 per gallon until something like 2020! 93 octane!

Emperor Obama is watching the situation closely from his data-bath panoptisphere.

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Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time

Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time
Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time

INTERNET — A 17 year old e-dominatrix known as ‘Poison Ivy’ has been faced with a discriminating and misogynistic campaign to shame her for humiliating hundreds of young men.

This story began when a youtube video, since removed due to a violation of a “policy on nudity or sexual content,” shows an impassioned young man, ‘MarsRPG,’ demonizing Poison Ivy for ‘abusive’ behavior and calling her a psychopath who must be stopped. Since then, trashy publications such as the Daily Mail have repeated this narrative in whole — along with the false allegation that Poison Ivy wants men to kill themselves. There is no evidence that she has ever asked someone to commit suicide, or that anyone has ever committed suicide on account of her sadomasochistic internet schtick. Her following of masochistic young men continue to enjoy her sadistic excesses in spite of the smear campaign, as hundreds of new fans follow her twitter and send in self-denigrating photos.

The Internet Chronicle officially endorses Poison Ivy’s hilarious antics. Those who don’t are probably this man: