Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Native Americans on Facebook may find their given names altered to sound more white, according to reports. Lance Brown Eyes had his name altered to Lance Brown, and has since struggled and failed to get any response at all from the one-person team responsible for instituting Facebook’s “real name” policy.

Facebook spokesperson Daneel Olivaw told reporters, “We encourage non-whites to use more approachable names, white names, simply because our algorithm for testing fake names is limited. Plus, it makes it easier on their white friends who may become confused.”

When asked why it was so important to police native names, Olivaw said, “Fake names lead to an unsafe environment, and because all of our detection of fake names is automated, this lets us keep the service free.”

Olivaw grew impatient and angry as reporters needled him with questions about why only one human was responsible for such a tremendous task, “Hey, I don’t tell you how to run your business, do I? Facebook is not a public space, it is a private space, and you follow our rules by our grace. You will construct your authentic self within our framework of acceptable behavior.”

Facebook quickly announced that Olivaw was “under investigation,” but the naming policy at Facebook hasn’t changed, and the atmosphere of colonial control and oppression fostered by Facebook’s automated name policy has poisoned the well for natives.

“We don’t want to go back to Facebook,” said George Tall Eagle. “It’s a racist system. We need our own Facebook with our own set of rules.”

INTERNET — A whistleblower from the CIA released conclusive information to the hacker collective Anonymous that showed the CIA was acting as “de facto editor-in-chief” for all network and cable news stations. That means that a CIA agent ultimately controlled what Brian Williams could and couldn’t say, while giving him cash rewards for hamming up stories about combat in Iraq.

The whistleblower also alleged that Bob Simon, dead Wednesday evening from a fatal car crash, was on the verge of coming forward with an investigative report that would show conclusive proof that the CIA has been controlling the content of practically every major newspaper at home and abroad, and most actively in Syria and the Ukraine.

Williams has totally disappeared from the public eye and was suspended for six months without pay.

INTERNET — New Zealanders gawked as a blinding flash and sonic booms rocked the airspace above the island nation. Meteorite expert Joel Schliff said the object was “almost certainly extra terrestrial,” leading many to speculate why the past half-century has seen such a rapid increase in visits from alien craft, starting with Roswell.

Ancient Alien theorist Giorgio Tsoukalos explained, “We know that the aliens were instrumental in the rise of all human civilizations. Their unmistakable imprint is ubiquitous in archaeology, history, art, and mythology, but we don’t know why.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of MIT’s astrobiology lab said, “If human civilization was in any way altered or engineered by an alien civilization then we can deduce that its major effects on the biosphere are desirable to the aliens. It would follow that if we see an increase in alien monitoring activities, that’s a clue that somehow this long project is coming to a head, that the Earth is nearly ripe for alien habitation. Isn’t it funny that de-terraforming Earth amounts to humanity’s greatest engineering feat, even though it is largely considered an accident? Surely nuclear detonations immediately triggered increased alien monitoring since a total transition to carbon-free nuclear energy is possible. But for some reason, humanity continues to fill the atmosphere with gases toxic to terrestrial life and more suitable for most alien species. Very strange indeed.”