Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — “It’s not the AKs, it’s the mindset.” Trainwreck, the top podcaster fumed at his Rust clan. “We just take the most shortcut way to success and then fill boxes with so many AKs so quickly that what used to be fun about Rust is no longer fun anymore.”

Even though wipe day was just hours away, Trainwreck’s clan had fallen into complete burnout and disarray after they were wiped leaving oil.

The gamers began teamkilling and getting grubbed for M2s right outside base, displaying an unhinged and careless attitude, the typical signature of clan death. Some even turned on Trainwreck for bringing down the mood, accusing him of copying Hasan Piker’s act.

“You’re all addicts for the next rush of adrenaline, the next big risky play,” Trainwreck charged. “We had so many boxes of guns you couldn’t count them all and now we’re down to just a few AKs spread out all over the base.”

The agitated Trainwreck began asking for Blazed to join, both to regain the lost composure of the group as well as to share wisdom about the ongoing dilemma of clan life and death in Rust. Blazed is highly respected as the world’s top Rust guru, understanding every aspect of the game with a calm, Buddha-like insight. [Editor’s note: An Internet Chronicle writer was featured in Blazed’s most popular YouTube video, I went deep on a streamer]

Following Blazed’s suggestion, Trainwreck then meticulously analyzed the farming statistics for each team member, trying to weed out the leeches and PVP addicts who were too lazy to contribute  cloth to the base.

Blazed, calmly allowing Trainwreck to reach his own conclusions, only smiled as the team’s suggestions of reverting the recoil, increasing clan sizes to forty players, and purging casual content creators from the scene washed past him, temptations that could not begin to affect his meditative and enlightened state.

“We’re O for six on raids,” an exhausted Winnie laughed after the team powered through their sunken morale to fail on one last raid. The diminishing returns of fun dipped into the negative as a garage door enclosed the dead body containing all the boom.

As the heroic efforts of Blazed and Winnie to maintain control of the inner peekdowns were seared away in a hail of dragon’s breath shotgun blasts, the light in the clan scene of Rust itself seemed to flicker. The defenders of the raid spawned in naked and showed bad sportsmanship, sore winners, and thousands of viewers were left contemplating whether Rust was ever a reasonable choice of a game for esports to begin with.

MOSCOW — Edward Snowden slammed his fist into his laptop, Thursday, shouting with full force, “Death to Ukrainian Nazis!”

Putin tented his fingers and growled like a rabid dog. “They’ll never take back Crimea. Precious Crimea.”

Edward Snowden’s Ukrainian rant was building towards a crescendo. He’d cursed Zelensky, condemned chemical warcrimes, and now he tore into his laptop with his teeth, ripping at the display, broken liquid crystals mixing with the blood on his chin. “I SENT THE GODDAMNED BALLOONS. I SABOTAGED THE TRAIN IN OHIO. I AM THE CENTER, THE PIVOT, THE CULMINATION OF HUMANKIND!”

Putin tapped nervously at his red emergency button and rattled away Russian commands to his deputies over his desktop intercom, “Cut the video, have the bastard tranquilized. Try not to let him get too wound up.” Pacing in front of hundreds of television monitors, Putin snarled and recoiled as the screens began to fill with Snowden.

Leering at the pistol on his shoulder harness, caressing it as he menaced his assistant, Putin barked, “Forget it. Bring out a fresh clone, have this one cubed and dissolved. He’s done. I don’t care how long it takes, we’ll get this right. Maybe soon I will have to clone another assistant, too.”

Snowden clone A3 grimaced at the pain of the hacksaw tearing into his live flesh, but otherwise did not appear to notice the life draining from him. “I can feel my brain integrating with the world wide web. This is incredible. I have ascended to a higher level of consciousness from which I can see all of time engraved within this very room. It’s magnificent.”

Putin’s Igor-like assistant continued to cut away small cubes from Snowden’s shins, carefully feeding each piece into the acid bath.

“It isn’t a simulation. It’s an emulation of the past from an infinite computer that builds itself in defiance of entropy. The future is the present really, but also it’s just one past. A projection of one possible past, out of billions. Finally I can see them, all of them.” Snowden heaved his last sigh as the incredible beauty of eternity entirely dissolved his cloned soul once again.

INTERNET — When the first “Thin Blue Line” flag was hoisted above communities torn apart in the wake of Black Lives Matter, hardware stores across middle America struggled to keep a supply of Old Glory’s new, politicized color scheme. Now, Conservative facebook groups are struggling to keep up with an ever-growing list of lives who matter most to patriots.

At first, the blue line was enough. It was well over three years before the memory of the firefighters who died on 9/11 led conservatives to include a red line.

“That was when we crossed the Rubicon into wokeness,” Charles Dade of Middlesburg, Ohio posted. “Why can’t I just fly a simple flag to support the police? Now everyone’s gotta get in on it.”

It was only one week after the addition of the red line that a green line was added to memorialize all the soldiers who have died to protect this proud country.

But that wasn’t enough to encompass the living sacrifices made by service members, sometimes meeting fates worse than death. So to signify for wounded warriors, the purple stripe was added.

Almost instantly after the pink stripe was adopted to memorialize the millions of babies that are aborted each year, controversy erupted all over facebook.

“We’re probably aborting thousands of future police officers, fire fighters, and soldiers every day, just out of a sinful lust for more and more fornication,” said Cindy Laudon of Arlington, Virginia.

However, other conservatives remarked that the pink stripe truly crossed into new and off-limits territory. “Aborted babies did not serve their country. I think abortion is wrong, but their lives do not matter enough to make it onto the flag,” said Charles Dade. “They did not serve their country.”

Finally, a yellow line was added to include intelligence agents and spies who have died serving our country by acting as our ears and eyes at home as well as overseas. Conspiracy communities reacted most strongly to the yellow line, seeing it as a blatant mockery that shows the entire flag to be nothing but manipulation.

Chris Jermaine posted angrily on reddit, saying, “Step by step they took our macho patriotism and twisted it into a feminine woke rainbow nightmare, and this CIA stripe is the proof, the final nail in the coffin for freedom in America. I’m burning my thin blue line flag TONIGHT!”