Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Fred Phelps was reported dead, Thursday morning, after family members excommunicated the founder from the very church he created. This comes on the heels of a secret and shocking sermon in which Phelps unveiled the church’s secret purpose.

Pastor Phelps told his church in his last sermon, “Westboro’s mission has always been to make Christianity look bad. I have not been a man of faith, but a man of deception and lies. I am a militant atheist and you, my flock, have long been a gaggle of useful idiots. God does not exist, except in the minds of idiots, and this church has existed only as an ongoing prank that got out of hand. My doctor said I have almost no time left to live, but I hope you turn away from these hateful ways which were designed to turn the public against a fake God and lead them towards the light of scientific and humanist love for all people, including fags.”

A church council decided Pastor Fred Phelps had “gone senile” and excommunicated him from the church, banning all communication between church members and its founder. However, other excommunicated family members rushed to the pastor’s death bed. Nate Phelps, who left the church 37 years ago, said, “Our dad, for the first time ever, was completely lucid and sane. He’d given up the act and it was like a demon had left him. He was smiling when he died, and at peace with himself and with everyone on earth. I can understand if no one forgives him, but I have forgiven him.”

I’ve always cared about freedom, equality, and decency for everyone around me. Sure, I’m a rich white man who doesn’t even have to really work to get along, and I can see why women and people of color are bothered by my very existence. I can almost, if not quite, understand why my voice is nothing more than an annoyance to them. I wish it wasn’t, because otherwise I’d make it rain dollar bills all over the ghettos and subsidize women’s shelters left and right. But I’m not going to, because I’m being oppressed.

The effect of the rhetoric of feminists and people of color on a white male is just terrible. To share the experience that this rhetoric generates in a white man, well, that’s called “derailment,” so shoot me, I’m a derailer right now. To critically participate in a conversation with oppressed groups is to “make it about me” or worse, it is “abusive.”

I’ve been told I must “decenter,” and let go of all the complex emotions that these conversations create in me — after all, putting a voice to them would only be to unleash internalized authoritarian tendencies under the guise of “rationalism” or “critique.” The point of these narratives, I think, has been for me to quietly absorb in an unreflective and silent stupor. Even an innocent question can trigger traumatic memories of oppression, and god forbid I add to the cumbersome load of oppression I in fact intend on understanding and fighting. In effect, I have been systematically silenced.

Although I’ve always intended on helping the oppressed with my fortune, now I know they don’t even want my help. I was falsely led to believe by Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech that bringing people together was the kind of utopia we all wanted to work towards. It turns out Dr. King had internalized the white man’s utopia.

No matter how many times I’ve told people of color to forgive me for my internalized authoritarian tendencies, they just haven’t listened. White people don’t know what they’re saying and how bad it sounds, and surely if they understood they’d not say such things. I’ve been just terribly shocked at the way things I’ve said have been interpreted, and it seems the kind of forgiveness and trust that I’ve extended will never be reciprocated.

Now that I know the horrible pain of oppression and exclusion from a group of people I want to interact with, I understand people of color and women perfectly. I don’t want to give my oppressors any money or even listen to a single word they say. Just to hear them reflect on the story of oppression I have just told opens up deep wounds in my psyche and possibly even racial memories from when my Celtic ancestors were repeatedly oppressed by Romans, Anglo-Saxons, and Vikings. One word from women and people of color and it’s like it’s happening all over again.

INTERNET — In a shocking new twist that ties together three popular narratives, NSA leaker Edward Snowden was on board Malaysian Air Flight 370 when it fell off the radar. Evasive maneuvers brought the flight over much of Asia at the dangerously low height of 2,000 feet in order to avoid radar and deliver world-shattering new leaks to the people of Crimea.

WikiLeaks mercenaries have locked down the area around Flight 370, which landed at Simferopol early Tuesday morning. The “Russian Blackwater” in control of the airport have issued an ultimatum, threatening to kill the WikiLeaks mercenaries if they do not surrender within the next 4 hours.

Snowden, speaking on a livestream to the people of the world, declared, “Both Russia and the US have their fingers on the nuclear trigger. I know this because I hacked both of them yesterday, using my connections inside the Russian version of Facebook and my secret backdoors still installed at the NSA. Thanks to the heroic actions of our volunteer pilots and WikiLeaks staff, I have brought Crimeans irrefutable proof that reporting on Crimea has been heavily manipulated by Russian news media psyops in order to spark a nuclear war — the last hope for Putin’s crumbling dictatorship.”

The pair of slides from both Russian and American nuclear power point presentations released by Snowden have experts alarmed that the whistleblower may be correct. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, geopolitical analyst, said “Immediate de-escalation of war through further leaks is the only way to save the world. Hopefully brave leakers in both hemispheres will come forward with further truths which will save us all from a grim nuclear winter.”