Internet Chronicle

DETROIT–In 1998, the Insane Clown Posse sold over 1 million albums and the world did not come to an end, but rather passed an inflection point. As foretold innacuratley by the Book of the SubGenius (forget the church–it is a scam like all other churches),  this was, in the exaggerated Mayan Apocalypse sense, just the end of an age and the beginning of a new one.

Adopting the horrific postmodern bent of the SubGenius, the Insane Clown Posse infantilized the idea of an irreverent church in order to appeal to to the largest possible audience. The highest member of the industrial church, J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, renounced his position and declared martial law. All pensions were seized and benefits revoked. Thousands of SubGenii have been laid off from reverse-proselytizing, and the elderly are beginning to die off without their Diabetes equipment. The next level of irreligion must be an order of magnitude more ironic, which isn’t ironic at all. Irony has been despoiled permanently by the bozo cult, and the once-dead “Bob” is being murdered repeatedly, every single femtosecond. Not only that, but there are trillions of “Bob”s, or likely more, each disagreeing entirely with the next.

The bozos have even taken over google.

INTERNET–The perennially fag-obsessed Westboro Baptists have, once again, posed as members of Anonymous–this time releasing their own personal information. While the media sings praise for the vigilante work of Anonymous, Fred Phelps sips bourbon. The stock of his church has gone up, yet again, as the media transfers their attention from the recent school shooting onto a religion designed specifically for the purpose of receiving negative attention. As fucking always.

[pullquote]”Anyone can be Anonymous”[/pullquote]Phelp’s church, plugging each tragedy into a one-size-fits-all protest scheme, has threatened to picket the sacred shooting grounds, which of course will deepen the truly authentic pain these families are dealing with in a profound way that of course has [everything, nothing] to do with religion.

[pullquote]”That little robot woman was as guilty as the man who had married Masson, or as Marie, who wanted me to marry her.” ~ Meursault[/pullquote]So, my friendly internet friends. I’m sitting here, interacting with a keyboard and a monitor, and I wonder if Westboro Baptist isn’t right about something. Religion is the fucking problem. Not gun control. Not lack of gun control. Religion.

We are blinded by that religion called blame. Too many guns. Not enough guns. Mental Illness. A single evil man. Not enough mental health care. These are only the effects of the shooting–the babble of confusion afterwards as we collectively try to rationalize our guilt. These are our rainbow-colored Westboro signs proclaiming what it is God must Hate.

We must not admit something about our culture of alienation is very sick; in fact it is the most disturbing taboo. Anything but us. Please. Blame anyone–or preferably any thing–but us.

NEW YORK–Wednesday Paul McCartney and Nirvana announced upcoming tour dates at the 12-12-12 benefit concert for victims of the oncoming Mayan Apocalypse. McCartney, who is rumored to have died in 1968, peeled off a mask to reveal he is an older version of Kurt Cobain. Angstrom H. Troubador, theoretical physicist, said that time reversals and weirdness have escalated to near critical mass. “These are indeed the endtimes. You may notice sporadic time reversals in the upcoming week. Only the Mayans Epopts know what will come next.”

Approximately 2 billion people around the world tuned in to the 12-12-12 concert, exposing themselves to precisely 12 minutes of crying victims of the oncoming Mayan Apocalypse. Several famous comedians read terribly unfunny scripts and embarrassed themselves badly. Kanye West, dressed in a garbage bag skirt, rapped to a beat which sampled King Crimson, tearing through fifteen songs in less than 8 minutes. Privileged white people pumped their fists calmly in their seats. The 68 year-old Roger Daltrey ripped his shirt off as The Who played along to a video vocal track performed by the late Keith Moon.

Mathematician Stephen Smale has discovered how to turn quantum spheres inside out using the discovery of the Higgs Boson. This has enabled wormhole tests at the secret military base in Montauk Sound.