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Categories
Health

Miracle drug unlocks hellish introspective nightmare

[SPONSORED CONTENT]

What is self-awareness anyway?

A good friend tells you when you’re fuckin up, a bad friend ignores it, and your ENEMY tells everyone else.

Have you ever tried telling somebody something, though, and they just can’t seem to get it through their thick skull?

That’s why we’ve invented Dr. Troubadour’s patented Armstrong Self-Awareness Serum. It grows real, natural self-awareness in 31 days!

Our customers will attest that Dr. Troubadour’s formula-grown self-awareness is the same as real self-awareness.

Ralph Manly, City bus driver who has never used a turn signal

“No more blind spots! I’m in the clear now, and I can finally see what a cold, blind, and unloving man I have been for the last 43 years. I can’t believe it’s not real self-awareness!”

That’s right, folks. No more blind spots, no more snickering behind your back, and no more emotional retardation, all for a flat, low monthly rate. Troubadour’s Self-Awareness Serum is with you for LIFE!

Monica Seward, Librarian with strangely ignorant beliefs

“I’m hooked on awareness. I no longer feel like I need to scan every horizon, because I already know what’s there: Just a bunch of people using people, and who needs that? So long TerrorMax. Hello, S-A Serum!”

Are you sick of always being left on the outside of what’s going on inside? This Troubadour tincture will tickle your fancy! For just $99 American Warbucks a month, you can drink this shit up and see what shit’s holding you down.

Bimmy, a 28-year-old woman-child having absolutely no problem adjusting to her shattered innocence

“I used to blame my lack of development on society, circumstance, and even my family. With Troubadour’s self-awareness serum, now I know the reason I never achieved anything is because I am a talent-less, unmotivated, uninspired, boring person. Thanks, Dr. Troubadour!”

dr troubadour
“Dr. Midnight”

Hi, I’m Dr. Troubadour. Folks used to tell me I would not amount to anything. If I’d listened to them, they’d be right. But I struck out and carved my own path. Licenses? Peer-review? I bucked the system, and became a doctor my own way. My eyes are open.

You got a lot of nerve walking through life and not even thinking about where you’re stepping. Take my drugs. Grow a perspective!

[Editor’s note: ALL the women i date want to know where this anger is coming from. why so many holes in my drywall? all i want to know is how many holes u got for ME?? PLEASE EMAIL. —Raleigh T. ]

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Categories
World

INTERNET SENSATION CHRIS-CHAN FOUND DEAD IN HENRICO COUNTY JAIL CELL AFTER APPARENT SUICIDE

Chris Chan died of an apparent suicide, Saturday, after being placed in a misgendered jail cell.

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Christine Weston Chandler AKA “Chris-Chan,” after she was found dead in a Henrico County jail cell from an apparent suicide. Chris Chan was misgendered and placed in the male section of the jail by the prison staff.

Chris-Chan rose to fame after creating Sonichu, a character which is a combination of video game icons Pikachu and Sonic.

Fans held a vigil outside of Chris-Chan’s residence in “CWCville.”

Frederika Dumont told reporters, “I am one hundred percent on this: They Epstein’d CPU Blueheart Sonichu [Chris-Chan] to prevent the dimensional merge. It was almost here but now the herald has been assassinated. We mourn not only for CPU Blueheart, but for the failure of the dimensional merger. Chris-Chan will live on, on the other side, inside of Sonichu’s immortal body.”

Followers of Chris-Chan considered the former body of Chris-Chan to be inhabited by a feminine manifestation of “Sonichu” known as CPU Blueheart. The arrival of CPU Blueheart was only the first setp in the merger of fiction and reality which will purge all evil out of this world.

“Sonichu just doesn’t understand this reality… She’s gone mad with power after entering into the body of such a famous person, and what happened with Barb, it was a misunderstanding,” Dumont said. “You try living inside of this dimension, and following its norms, after you’ve spent a millennia as the icon of a wish-fulfillment fantasy world!”

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Categories
Trolling

HACKER EXPOSES “YOUR ANON CENTRAL” OPERATION RUN BY CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY

Your Anon Central is controlled by the CIA

INTERNET — Thursday, the Anonymous hacker known only by the alias ‘Asshurt’ revealed damning documents that prove the popular so-called “Anonymous” twitter account YourAnonCentral is owned and operated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

“Even in their earliest internal e-mails you can see, they are laughing about calling themselves Your Anon Central, in reference to the Central Intelligence Agency,” Asshurt told reporters at the Internet Chronicle.

Work to release the documents through the same extremely careful redaction process followed by Edward Snowden is already underway at The Intercept. Asshurt has granted an exclusive interview to the Internet Chronicle.

Connecting with reporters over the most highly encrypted channel, Asshurt ripped a vape and cursed, “Fuck, I’ve always believed something was up with that account. All it does is tweet propaganda against United States adversaries and other filler content that has no relation to hacking or hactivism whatsoever. I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous.”

[pullquote]”I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous” – Asshurt[/pullquote]

Details of the manifest for Operation Crucible, code name for CIA activities to utilize the Anonymous brand for propaganda furthering United States foreign policy, outlines a three-pronged approach. “Co-opt, Destabilize, and Command. The first stage, Co-opt, will appropriate the Anonymous imagery, create social media accounts and web sites trafficked by a majority of Anonymous fans. Once this is achieved, destabilize will cast doubt on non-CIA sources of Anonymous branded information. The final and important stage, command, will, in conjunction with the State Department, propagate materials and information beneficial to United States foreign policy.”

Psychological Operational Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told the Internet Chronicle, “Operation Crucible, by all metrics, has been a wild success. Anons are more likely to hate China, Myanmar, Russia, and other competitors to United States hegemony, while simultaneously considering themselves to be revolutionary and radical thinkers. Yet as you can see, they’re only mere puppets of propaganda.”

SpartaZC, the alleged owner and operator of YourAnonCentral has not responded to inquiry.