Internet Chronicle

Caveman News

This is Caveman News.

News by cavemen, for the everyday caveman.

What’s up, fellow cavemen? For how many thousands of years are we going to keep calling ourselves that? I think since we’re all cavemen here, we can drop the prefix and just say, hello men. No. Somehow that is worse. What’s up, doc?

That was a good intro.

Don’t listen to what I say. Only how I say it. That’s called credibility.

I’m Ugg Troubadour, a fresh-faced doctor for the modern caveman. Don’t believe me? OK, hotshot, you tell me: If I am not a doctor, then why am I wearing this white labcoat, safety goggles and a sick-ass watch, while you’re still traipsing around in a leopard’s skin?

Today I am presenting you with a few tips and pointers we picked up on our recent med school trip to the bush, in an effort to make your sad, pathetic caveman lives just a little more tolerable.

You’ll still be miserable, but I have to fill a page, so read on.

Survival

When tearing apart trees to make your club, aim for something in the shape of a giant turkey leg.
When crossing a river or stream, remember to watch out for other cavemen. In a moment of weakness, they’ll catch you slipping, and you’re done. There’s no such thing as Caveman Law, and it is only a matter of time before you trip up, and become something less than a man. Stay alert.
A lion was seen on the savannas. Watch out.

Health and Society

Terror flax

Be on the lookout for terror flax, containing a chewable seed. This flowering plant heightens the senses, opens the pores, and unlocks the inner power of bloodlust.
Go to bed early tonight, because a volcanic eruption will soon plunge the entire world into more than 30 years of winter. That is two lifetimes without sun.
With life expectancy on the rise, groups want to push back retirement age to 14 years old.
If you see a spotted lanternfly, squash it immediately. They are invasive, and feel good to squash.

You’ve had regular food. Now try: Food for thought

The brutality of existence is baseline. Happiness or joy are temporary easements of suffering.
God hates us, as indicated by thunder and lightning. That is why you have lumps and boils all over your body. Do better.
Ask yourself this: You’ve already knocked her unconscious. Do you have to drag her into your cave by the hair?

Caveman News is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Remain uncontacted.

Dr. Troubadour is recognized in all 50 states, many of which consider him a real doctor.

Obituaries

Tim Pool dead at 35 after struggle with COVID 19

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date November 5, 2021
13 Comments on Tim Pool dead at 35 after struggle with COVID 19

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of journalist and social media pundit Tim Pool, 35, who passed suddenly after a monoclonal antibody treatment for COVID-19 wore off, Friday morning.

Pool recently appeared on Fox News in tears and arguing for his freedom to dodge the very vaccine that would have surely saved his life.

Tim Pool’s meteoric rise to fame came as he covered the Occupy Wall Street movement in 2012, documenting every single incident of property damage and leading to several arrests.

From that point on, Pool said he was “destined” to parlay his fame as a riot livestreamer for the more alluring role of a straight-talking political influencer, shilling for the Trump 2020 campaign, even earning several “favs” from President Trump himself.

While some have criticized Pool’s suicidal trajectory during the pandemic, Pool’s friends are more circumspect. “There’s great liberty in sickness, and especially death,” Cassandra Fairbanks said, cuddling her pet monkey, Hillary. “If Americans want to incubate a deadly virus in their bodies for a few weeks, go around without masks on coughing and wheezing down at the Bojangles, only to have their lungs rot out in the hallway of an overloaded hospital, that’s their constitutional right. That’s the American Dream, man. And Tim Pool lived every last breath of it. Give us Liberty and Give Us Death!”

Uncontrollable Patriotism

After brief reemergence, JFK Jr. shot dead in Dallas motorcade

Post author By 27
Post date November 3, 2021
2 Comments on After brief reemergence, JFK Jr. shot dead in Dallas motorcade

This screenshot was taken moments before JFK Jr. was assassinated on his motorcade in Dallas. The video has been scrubbed from every platform, and is no longer available.

DALLAS — John F. Kennedy Jr. appeared briefly in Dallas on Tuesday, as predicted by Qanon, and was seen waving to crowds from the sunroof of his bulletproof Cadillac before he was shot in the torso and carried off in what onlookers described as a black, deep-state ambulance.

He was smiling, “so happy,” and looked like he hadn’t aged a day in 22 years, said Maria Sabinski, 47, who showed up to witness the ‘Dead Kennedy’ come out from hiding.

JFK Jr. was expected to announce Trump’s presidency, dethroning Biden, and explain why everyone thinks he is rising from the dead.

“We heard a crack from the book depository, then two shots rang out from a grassy knoll,” she said, gesturing in each direction.

“His expression changed. He looked surprised, then pained, as he clutched a spot in his belly. They took him out of one black car and put him in another. Then they all sped off together, like a bat out of Hell.”

A woman witnesses the assassination in broad daylight of JFK, Jr. who was scheduled to announce Trump the number one best president of all time.

JFK Jr., originally believed by uninquisitive NPC sheeple to have died in a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean in 1999, was expected to declare Donald Trump as president.

Mere seconds before the world-shattering announcement, he was brutally murdered from the old book depository building, a security blind spot that has plagued presidential motorcades passing through Dallas for more than half a century.

Barry Knudsen, core disciple of QAnon and Lieutenant Digital Soldier, told reporters, “We are all QAnon, we are the main characters in this story. Where we go one, we go all.” He gestured at the crowd of weeping fans, “You see these guys and gals here, they aren’t just sheeple hiding behind their computers talking shit, like demoncrats. Look at their faces, they really want to protect the children. They really love the children. They’ll do whatever it takes.”

All mention of the incident was scrubbed from social media. QAnon fans who shared screenshots of deleted posts quickly faced system crashes after which their devices would no longer boot and upon close inspection were wiped of all data.

Dallas Sheriff Harold F. Gloasen told reporters, “We had no reports of a shooting, of shots fired, nothing. There were no permits issued for a motorcade through Dealey Plaza, and certainly no murder case for the long deceased JFK Jr.”

A mother, who asked not to be named, was out shopping with her 1-year-old infant when she passed by the confusion.

“First I was like ‘are they saying the Pledge of Allegiance right now?’ I didn’t even want to walk by them, but there were so many people they were blocking the sidewalk,” she said. “That’s when I saw John F. Kennedy Jr. hanging out of a limousine. I just went ‘huh, I thought he was dead.’ Now I guess he really is.”

The Biden Administration refuses to acknowledge the high-profile assassination of a political leader that until now, was presumed dead.

Our prayers are with the Kennedy family as they attempt to find out which underground deep-state human containment facility is processing the corpse of JFK Jr., the Herald of Truth.