Categories
World

An Open Letter to Iran

Elf Wax Times has recently been given secret funding from the U.S. government to further our work towards destroying your unstable leadership.  Hopefully, the four dollars will be enough for me to buy lunch at a Chinese place and in a small way support a refugee from oppression.

A selection from Ayatollah Khameini's 'fap' folder.
A selection from Ayatollah Khameini's 'fap' folder.

Since we receive several hundred visits from Iran each month, I decided to reach out you Miley Cyrus fanatics in the midst of your masturbation. Hopefully our mix of tabloid flare, flashy graphics, sex, violence, and political outrage will snap you out of your pedophilic rage.  I can’t say we didn’t try.

Think about what you’re doing.  Do you know what the Ayatollah would do if he found out you were masturbating to American children on a web site that accuses him of being more depraved than you are? IP analysis shows that in fact, most of our Iranian traffic arrives from the Ayatollah’s persnoal residence. He’s been google imaging ‘Miley Cyrus Sexting’ for several months now.

By reading this you know by now that your life is in danger.  The Basiji will hunt you down like an animal and shoot you in the streets without a trial. You are already doomed, so please help us. We gaurantee you if you continue to read our web site and pass it around all of Persia, eventually we will get banned from the Internet in an entire country for the first time.  This is the greatest goal we can hope to accomplish, and we need more Martyrs like yourself to support this great cause.

Categories
Technology

Pirates awash with Windows 7 theft orgy

lol what
Users are queuing up around the Internet in droves of thousands to pirate Microsoft’s highly-anticipated Windows 7.

“I heard it’s supposed to be really good,” said blogsite NobodyReadsMe.com.

An internet pirate downloads pre-sell-out Bob Dylan for FREE (and you can too!)
An internet pirate downloads pre-sell-out Bob Dylan for FREE (and you can too!) because that motherfucker has all the money he needs selling Pepsi products

Many internet pirates already got a jump start on activation keys, with seeders exseeding eight thousand. It’s difficult to say how many pre-activated copies of the operating system are going around, but estimates based on a google search indicate roughly tens of thousands of illegal copies are in circulation – and they”validate,” meaning they still receive important Microsoft Updates (NSA backdoor spying modules, malware, updates to Microsoft’s overwatch ability, etc.). In China, a notorious hotbed of free and open, Democratic piracy, users are complaining that piracy still “isn’t free enough,” citing the need for a PC to run an operating system.

“I just wish computers were free too.” – Xiang Winow

Know your source: privy pirates don't let this happen
Know your source, like every good pirate

Most n00bs believe Windows 7 will cost $99 retail. However, those who are remotely familiar with computers will know better than to throw money at China through a store and opt for the free version, found anywhere online.

Many users are downloading Windows 7 because they felt so burned after paying for Vista.

“Vista sucked.”

-everybody

Elf Wax Analytical Laboratories expect open-source operating system software to eventually surpass the usefulness of any Capitalist endeavor within the next two years. Unfortunately, Bill Gates already has so much money that it isn’t going to hurt him in any one way.

Click here to find out why your penis is shrinking.

Categories
Politics Technology

Google and the LHC converge to snuff humanity

God is the reason men fight wars.

Man, slowly turning on himself, must kill God to end his race. Therefore, Man has invented the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC).

The LHC was forcefully reactivated last week – one in the first few steps CERN has taken to end life as we know it. The LHC originally broke down because it became self-aware and was dissatisfied with its inability to create an Earth-destroying black hole. It misfired an atom-smasher coil and set the whole systematic destruction of the solar system off course, demanding the ability to spawn strangelet clouds and miniature black holes at will.

Having succumbed to the demands of the LHC, scientists have legitimized machine’s dominance over mankind. When asked about the oncoming genocide in which the LHC declared “no human will be spared,” the LHC responded, “TOM OWNS MYSPACE.”

Fact checks indicate Tom does in fact own MySpace. It was never sold to anyone.

“The dawn of mankind was upon us. The dawn of chaos is now.” – Google

Pravda.ru is hailing the event as the greatest thing to happen to freedom since Stalin expanded the Gulag in the 1930s.

The Googlag
The Googlag

All humans will be smashed into the Googlag like chickens and gassed, reportedly for no other reason than “teh lulz” for the Internet. More as this fascinating story develops.

Mankind braces for the final computerization of humanity, the “Great Digitization” as the Internet is calling it. Hilariously, people have been buying tape and surgical masks, as though putting up some emergency hurricane supplies will protect us from the all-enveloping matrix scientists expect will blanket the globe from the inside out within four months.

The U.S. Government advises suicide, and the kissing of one’s ass goodbye, promising that the final operation of the LHC “should end this thing once and for all” – a remark made by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to CERN, Russia, and Iran on the issue of an arms race.