A Las Vegas bartender was taken in for psychiatric evaluation after colleagues reached out to authorities, warning their friend’s behavior and personality had become unusually warm and relatable. Deputies agreed David Burkstrom was a threat to himself and a nearby mall where he was known to shop, and he was arrested Wednesday afternoon as he left home for work.
“I can’t talk so I guess I got nothin’ to say!”
“I stopped David as he was walking to his car” Sheriff’s Deputy Matthew Digsby said in a press conference. “I was with my partner. David raised his eyebrows. He smiled, showing us his teeth. That was when we saw life in his eyes, and that’s when I knew he was present and dangerous. We took him out.”
Authorities later admitted they had already begun tracking David when he stopped using his Kroger card and began paying for everything with cash.
In an exclusive interview with chronicle.su from his jail cell, David Burkstrum said it was getting too difficult to keep up “the whole sarcastic empathy schtick.”
I thought it would be funny if I identified with, and cared for, other people. I did it as a joke.
And it was hysterical. Months became years as brick-by-brick, David built around himself an igloo of cold irony.
Tender, loving communication washed over David’s lens to the world and blew away as though his very soul was coated in Rain-X. So did messages of hostility and outrage.
Though David could feel neither, he believed it would be funny to behave like these things got to him, because with David, that’s not what you expected.
“I’m just a husk of a man, now. I’m a hollow, bitter old log wearing the same painted on smile television whores use. I was doing a bit!”
This is a reminder Internet Chronicle is the BEST and ONLY source of Real News Journalism this side of the Mississippi River, and especially in the Roanoke Valley.
What made CHRONICLE.SU the BEST and helps us continue to lead the Real News Industry?
Our reporters call to let us know if they’re going to be home after midnight.
They’re good boys, after all.
[pullquote]The Flintstones were so advanced, they figured out how to use dinosaurs as appliances.[/pullquote]As Alfonzo Hatesec once said, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! Which means DON’T rub your winky against the windows of sexy neighborhood ladies.”
That’s the only one time I ever got to see her face. You understand. When you’re looking at someone and you realize they don’t have any personality? They don’t have any soul? That is because they don’t have any flow or access to their ‘flow state.’ And neither do you! That’s because you never transcended!
-Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc.
A human being is said to be in a flow state while creating music or technical works on an apparently autonomous beat rhythm in lock-step with their own creative background radiation. It is an experience of being a conduit between our thought realms and the senses.
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At Internet Chronicle, drug use is punishable by mutilation or death, and employees (including marketing executives) are subject to cruelty. But that doesn’t mean YOU can’t benefit from such mind altering substances as TerrorMax, TerrorMax PM, and Extra Strength TerrorMax.
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In recognition of its greatness, Lebal Drocer, Inc. is pleased to present Internet Chronicle (CHRONICLE.SU) with an Internet Achievement Award. This award grants CHRONICLE.SU permission to impregnate and abort readers at will.
Media Mogul could not be reached for comment, but some asshole smoking a cigarette outside was available for comment. And this fucker had the nerve to ask not to be named. It is with great pleasure we present to you, the idiot masses, the following:
In this CHRONICLE exclusive, Vice presents: Irony Boys: We talked to a Lebal Drocer executive, and this is what he said.
“When you agreed to sign into our website you entered into a Blood Contract, which entitles us to fertility rites in Raleigh’s honor.” Media Mogul, in a secret cabinet memo, leaked to Vice Media, Media Mogul Enterprises.
“I am the God Child.”
Media Mogul
Rupert Murdoch
Dr. Angstrom Asche Téreblange is the leading Lebal Drocer attorney assigned to defending river ruining toxic dumpages, and covering it up through money to the Roanoke Times. He is a devout Christian, and will soon be resigning to spend more time with his family.
Téreblange says in his dating profile bio:
“I am a terrorist at heart, freedom fighter by nature. You’ll soon regret crossing me!”
The Internet Chronicle has brought you MANY fine products, including Prescription Strength TerrorBloc, the ONLY terror supplement endorsed by a sitting Virginia state governor!
BY GOD YOU’LL LOVE OUR PRODUCTS.
[pullquote]
“I swear to God.”
Raleigh T. Sakers, Chronicle founder, TerrorMax enthusiast, and Chief Enthologean of Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals
[/pullquote]
This message is brought to you PROUDLY by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Turning human beings BACK into PROPERTY since 1996!
The Internet Chronicle is ROUTINELY abused by the dominant search engine Google
Schmidtty baby, what’s wrong?
First, Google took away our ads. Google doesn’t tell anyone why they take away your ads. Google just takes.
Then Google sent us letters about their new algorithm blaming us for falling down their rankings. They would say shit like, ‘Our new algorithm sucks the dick of any site with large text for mobile, but actually since yours don’t have that, you guys can go fuck yourselves.’ So we adapted our site, and they told us to go fuck ourselves anyway.
And then they said broken links don’t do anything for them anymore, so whatever, I fixed all 1,100 broken links. Too little, too late: only useless infrastructural pages like ‘tags’ appear in chronicle.su related searches. Who gives a shit about tags? No one except Google, who either believe that is our site’s most relevant content every time, or just discovered a fresh way to tell us to go fuck ourselves.
You can’t find anything on Google about us. If you want to search this website, you have to pull up a chair like a big boy and sit down at your desktop computer. Then you may use the Fact Checker to the right hand side of the page to find content. This is our way of telling everyone else to go fuck themselves. Google. You. Everyone. There’s your search engine. It’s free to click in there and type.
Dr. Troubadaddy says: