Bystanders say before turning the gun on himself, Tommy fired five shots into the air, screaming, “It’s gonna be a long night.”
Roanoke, Va. — Roanoke County Deputies say they beat a man back with sticks into a cage Wednesday, after he made first contact with the monster living inside him.
“He said he spoke to his inner child,” Sheriff’s Deputy Mark Rogers told Chronicle. “That’s when I was gave the order ‘shoot to kill.’ But I said to myself, ‘No, this man’s white. There’s got to be a better way.”
First responders said the man had a “glazed, wild look in his eyes” as he was preparing to kill himself near a group of girl scouts selling cookies at the Brambleton Avenue Kroger.
“He seen who he really was,” said Dr. Armasten Troubadour, of Health Insurance Memorial Hospital. “And he just seen red.”
Authorities say Tommy Jo, a 38-year-old security camera repairman, scribbled this suicide note moments before turning the gun on himself:
You’re gonna suffer.
You’re gonna bleed.
I’m gonna scream.
I’m gonna feed.
Don’t call the doctor.
Don’t call no priest.
I’m the devil.
I’m disease.
Friends describe Tommy as unhinged. Some friends, eh Tommy?
Tommy is being held without bond at the Roanoke County Courthouse, where he is getting a good night’s rest, and learning to love himself again.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says “Real News” threatens Facebook profits
Menlo Park, California – After months of fucking with the Fake News Feed, Facebook earning reports state sitewide use has fallen by more than 50 million hours every day. Since they started dicking with the fake news feed Facebookers rely on for their daily news, they have turned to other sources for their fake news needs.
Mark Zuckerberg said he was “fuckin with it to make it more friendly and easier to spread Real News, like my 2020 presidential self-installment process that – and I reiterate – has not yet begun.”
2017’s fourth quarterly earnings showed a dramatic drop in revenue, supporting theories that claim readers are less likely to change their minds in the face of facts or evidence.
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Lead Researcher at the Paleocybernetic Institute of Singularity Studies (PISS), said his market research team is helping Facebook spin this data positively for shareholders. He even says he has a clever plan for Facebook to pacify investors by blaming poor profits on public health measures they have not yet put in place.
“In 2018, we’re focused on making sure Fakebook isn’t just fun to use, but also good for profits,” Troubadour said in a statement this afternoon. “We’re doing this by encouraging meaningful connections between people and businesses that sell them shit, rather than the passive consumption of poisonous Internet Chronicle stories … By focusing on meaningful connections, we can more easily trick the community into believing this rotten, sagging load of shit in their pants called Facebook would EVER act in their best interests.”
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Dr. T says:
Invest in khaki pants and tiki torches, because the news is about the get REAL
And now back to the Real Fake News
There are rumors the speed of Facebook’s growth is now limited to the sum total of global population growth, now that the data mining corporation has touched every living soul with its aggressive tentacles of datarape.
“Mankind’s data set is virtually saturated,” Troubadour concluded. “If he wants to be President of the Singularity, Mark Cuckerberg needs to quit twiddling his knobs and let the free market run its course.”
Comment section:
“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everything’s fake anyway.” +1 :D +2 Likes
“I already put my baby on Facebook, because they/there ain’t got NOTHING to hide!” +1 Like
INTERNET — Today in a defiant press conference at the golf course, Donald Trump said, “Bitcoins are the ultimate in value. We’re going to end this shutdown by purchasing many million Bitcoins. I know, I have some great information, and the coins fix everything. It’s an easy decision.”
Trump pointed at a CNN reporter and said, “Faker,” when asked if he was using taxpayers money for criminal market manipulations.
“There are no rules in bitcoins as far as I know.” Trump imperiously dismissed all mainstream news reporters, including Fox. “We’ve already made the deal, people, the shutdown’s over. Go report something real for once. Bye bye.”
Internet Chronicle reporters were given exclusive access to insider gossip on the golf course in a no-camera interview at Mar-A-Lago on the same basis as Michael Wolff.
Trump crushed the golf ball, raging and even barking like a hound dog, “The MORE I buy, the LESS China gets!”
QAnonymous, the Q-clearance NSA hacker and golfing buddy of Trump chipped a ball from the rough to complete a birdie. “This is some good shit right here. THIS will be for EVERYONE. We can rig it to $1 TRILLION DOLLARS A COIN. It’s happening already. The storm is here and it’s the power of Bitcoins. Quantum supercomputers exist and in another year we’ll have easy control of any existing blockchain. We’re going to drive the price so fucking high and then milk ’em for as long as we can. WE’VE CRACKED THE CODE TO INFINITE WEALTH FOR EVERYONE, FOREVER!”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of Canterbury said, “Thanks to Donald Trump’s decree in recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, the end days are now upon us! Read Revelations and Pray! Prayer without bitcoins might mean ruin.”
Dr. T says: