hatesec’s cat house, a barnburner by hatesec

hatesec's old house in the hood
2009: When cats took over the kitchen, we got to have cookouts every night on the front porch!

Roanoke, Va. – I recently returned from a fantastic experience that took place in a close, personal friend’s house where he lives in squalor and disease. When I walked in the front door, two cats escaped the house by running between my legs. I just stepped over them. The hot odor of sick animal piss, a cat’s territorial spray, hit me in the face immediately followed by the shrill cacophony of tiny dogs barking.

The humid, poorly-circulating air inflamed every sense as I fought the urge to swallow. My body only wanted to hurry up and accept the tainted air. Just stop fighting it. This is for hatesec, my dear friend.

My allergies seized violently – instantly – as I breathed in my first full breath of air. Pet dander drifted through the sunrays which beamed three thin slices of light through the dark, heavy foyer of my fellow real-journalist-for-a-big-news-outlet’s home. I bent over at the waist to pick up my PlayStation 3 and clear, liquid snot poured from my nose as if someone left the water running in a clogged bathroom sink.

Hatesec tossed me a Coke from the kitchen as he darted upstairs to his room, like he usually does, because it is the only place in the house , he says, that isn’t caked with cat feces and piss. So I made my way over the green, grimy living room carpet. I stepped on a Dungeons and Dragons guidebook, but took care not to kick any 20-sided dice under the couch. There was no telling what else might live under there.

As my unconscious mind beckoned in wonderment of how any dungeon master could relax in this mire, my eyes fell on a cat, whose long body stretched across the refrigerator, atop which – clearly in control as he surveys the house from his Frigidaire throne – the animal lay comfortable in a thick bed of its own sallow fur.

How harmful could the creature be? I wondered. This house was his territory. I could smell it.

Nah, it was a good house, though.

This is part 1 in a series of stories called barnburners.


It was just cats, everywhere: Kilgoar
It was just cats, everywhere: Kilgoar

9 cat memes that will absolutely FUCK YOU UP

Watch out! Here come the memes.

CAT FLU catCat flu cat walking away just a picture really nothing more

cat smoked weed






Articles Are Killing The Chronicle

What’s with all the stories?

Chronicle.SU used to be way better, like back in August 2008 before you started writing again. Please stop writing. Articles are killing the Chronicle.

Seems like every day, almost twice a day, there’s something to read about here, some fake-ass news story with jokes and humor in it. You know what? Maybe I don’t want to read anything. Maybe I’d rather F5 this shit all day and see nothing, just the same old fucking Books Are Dangerous advertisements.

You know what else, I really don’t understand you. Why do you write? What do you hope to achieve? What is the Lebal Drocer mission statement? They’re a chemical company, right, so what are they doing in the publishing business? You sicken me. Oh, by the way, Washington finally reached a debt agreement. Enjoy your continued tax breaks while I quietly accept cuts to my children’s education and medicare. Fucken scum.

You faggots need to go back to your roots and quit all this. I thought you used to get high all the time, prank-call Wal-Marts, drank yourselves into week-long stupors, and got mad underage puss on the reg. What happened to you? What the fuck happened to you?

Listen, I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you this: Ain’t nobody likes to read as much as you guys been writing. The average reader needs a lot of pictures. Hell, I prefer nothing but pictures. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all upset if the Chronicle gradually shifted completely to the use of pictures without words to tell their stories, and maybe just used faces to make me feel emotions I wouldn’t otherwise relate to such as weariness, joy, gratification and rage. Like Reddit does!

If I was you, which I am, I’d just scrap this site altogether, man. Cats are funnier. Cats are damn funny. Look.

Cat vaccination

Piss on ya. Start a cat blog.

Everything is shit! Cyberterrorists! All of you contribute to the decay of this Earth. You are poison! Venomous, reviled internet pigs of war on Christianity, peace and the Lord’s good name be damned if you don’t change your ways and quit altering history the way you are! IF you seek salvation, repent now! And if not, I hope you all rot in hell on fire forever as you suffer the unlimited lifetimes of heat and brimstone, flames kissing your asses, just like your fucken heathen-ass fans do now. Like you deserve, or don’t – or whichever, shit hell I’m all turned around.

Love the Twitter feed, though.