Month: July 2011

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News Sports

President Obama confesses he 'Fears the Beard'

Brian Wilson's powerful glare caused Obama to lose control of his prostate, leaving his pants full of a mixture of semen and urine.

President Barack Obama met the freakiest team in baseball yesterday as he feted the San Francisco Giants for their stunning World Series win during an awkward gala in Washington.

The Giants — known for their money, success, fame, glamor, and extreme homosexuality — marched into the East Room of the White House and shook hands with the puzzled commander in chief.

‘Then there’s the guy with the beard,’ Obama quipped as he nodded to star relief pitcher Brian Wilson and his bushy, foot-long-long whiskers and Mohawk haircut.

‘Underneath Brian’s beard, and the Spandex tuxedo and the sea captain costume and the cleats with his face on them, is also one of the most dominant lovers on the face of the planet. He gave me the high heater, you know what I mean?’

Wilson’s beard so delighted Giants fans during last year’s championship games, that as his pitches stymied the Texas Rangers, they chanted ‘Fear the Beard!’ – a slogan Obama paid tribute to.

‘I do fear it,” the president deadpanned. ‘I fear the snake in his pants more, to be honest.’

Also on hand was Giants legend Willie Mays, who Obama noted was just a 23-year-old outfielder when the Giants last won the World Series in 1954, still a New York team at the time.

Obama recalled Mays flying on Air Force One as they flew to the 2009 All-Star Game, with Mays on the flight as Obama’s guest. ‘I sat on Willie’s lap for most the flight. He has amazing genitalia.’

‘It was an extraordinary trip. Very rarely when I’m on Air Force One am I the second most impotent guy on there. Everybody was just passing me by [and gushing], ‘Can I get you something, Mr. Mays? A blow job? Rim job? hand job?’’

Next, Obama smoked a fat blunt with razor-thin pitcher Tim Lincecum, also known as ‘The Freak’ and ‘Big Time Timmy Jim’ for his shaved balls that whiz past hapless fappers.

‘America learned sometimes it’s a good idea to bet on the skinny guy with the deceptively large testicles, so you and me,’ the president told Lincecum.

‘The Giants may be a little different,’ Obama added, but ‘one thing they know is how to perform proper fellatio … They are characters with character.’

The team presented Obama – an avid baseball fan – with an autographed No. 44 Giants jersey and a team buttplug.

‘I want to wish the [Giants] luck the rest of the season, unless the White Sox are in the Series,’’ said Obama, a lifelong Sox fanatic.

Categories
News

What Anders Breivik and th3j35t3r have in common

Anders Breivik and th3j35t3r are both extremely conservative Islamophobic terrorists, willing to target any groups who enable or promote acceptance of Islam. On Tuesday, th3j35t3r attacked web sites and Twitter accounts belonging to Lulz Security in his never-ending struggle against Islamic jihad. Like Breivik’s attack on the campers at Utoeya, th3j35t3r has since explained this action by linking LulzSecurity.com with the spread of Islam.

DDoS attacks infringe on the fundamental human right to a free internet and can only be justified through the same twisted ideology that led Anders Breivik to kill nearly 100 campers at a youth retreat for the Labor Party of Norway. That is, the publicity Breivik and th3j35t3r hope to garner for their cause justifies their horrifying actions.

Another similarity between Breivik and th3j35t3r are their laughable and lavish methods. Breivik spent thousands of Euros equipping his rifle with a red-dot sight, high-end clips, a custom stock, specialized rounds and even poison to inject in the bullet tips. In all likelihood, th3j35t3r spends thousands of dollars on computer equipment he believes is necessary to carry out his attacks. We have every reason to believe that th3j35t3r is in fact a Mac user. After each DDoS attack, th3j35t3r treats himself to a three course meal in a high class restaurant as Breivik did during each stage of his bomb-making.

Breivik was also an admitted steroid addict, using the drugs to keep his morale up. He often lifted weights and wrote of his improving physical condition. It does not take a large stretch of the imagination to envision th3j35t3r, in the midst of a DDoS, lifting weights and injecting himself with a cocktail of steroids and testosterone.

Breivik enjoyed World of Warcraft, but it is more likely that th3j35t3r only plays Call of Duty, seeing as he’s an ex-marine. In all likelihood, th3j35t3r has killed more Muslims than Breivik, although each supporter of multiculturalism killed by Breivik counts as only 1/3 Muslim.

Categories
Entertainment News

Courtney Love confesses to the murder of rock legend Kurt Cobain

Grunge rock inventor, Kurt Cobain, shortly before he was murdered by his wife.

At 8:51 pm PST, Courtney Love walked into a Los Angeles police station, distraught and intoxicated. As she spoke to deputy Stephen Pollan, she began to talk about Kurt Cobain, and eventually admitted to killing him. She proceeded to explain to an officer how “the guilt reached it’s breaking point” and that she “couldn’t live with the pain anymore.”

Police have not released an official statement as to what they believe motivated Courtney to carry out the murder. “Nothing made any sense then. All I could think about was the money. I don’t know what got to me first, the pressure, or the drugs, or what…I just couldn’t take it,” said Love between tears in the interrogation room of the police station.

Reptile tears

Love and Kurt Cobain’s daughter, Frances Cobain, were contacted immediately upon her mother’s arrival. “I am just in complete shock,” claims Cobain. She denied an interview, stating that she was overcome with grief and needed time to think before appearing on camera.

At the time of this writing, Love is being transferred to the Seattle Police Department in Washington for further questioning. Cobain was questioned shortly and released.

“She’s a troubled woman,” claimed deputy Sephan Pollan. “I’m just glad she finally came forward. I mean, I’ve heard the rumors, we all have, but we finally know the truth and hopefully we can get this woman the help she needs.”