If you’re going to make up fake d0x…

Thursday, th3j35t3r decided to reveal what a truly pitiful charlatan he is. In d0xing the Chronicle, th3j35t3r was so incredibly full of fail that I actually felt embarrassed for him. Although most of us write under pseudonyms here at the Chronicle, we do not attempt to conceal our identity like th3j35t3r because we aren’t criminals. There’s really no point in d0xing us, except perhaps as part of a veiled threat. And we do not fear th3j35t3r.

A mouth-breathing little twerp could figure out who we are just by looking around the site a little. In fact, it’s happened before. Skiddie fanboys of Anonymous repeatedly published the name of one of our former writers with no good reason. In response to their stupidity, I anonymously posted my own fabricated d0x on AnonNews and fooled the hivemind completely. Every time I insulted Anonymous, they posted the d0x and I laughed at their gullibility. It is well documented that I created those d0x as a joke, and th3j35t3r published them anyway, unwittingly trolling himself into oblivion. He is less skilled than the average rage-filled teenybopper Anon.

I am better at d0xing myself than th3j35t3r is.

If that wasn’t stupid enough, th3j35t3r also published the information of innocent people to maintain his increasingly fragile pretense of skilled hacktivism. Niall Coffey has never written an article for us, and Alexi Halloway is just a random Facebook fan. Oh noez! Th3j35t3r has revealed the secret identities of the first few people who liked the Chronicle on Facebook. What an elite hacker! 

Th3j35t3r is unable to strike at Chronicle.SU in any meaningful way, so he’s become desperate to protect his ego. He tattled on us to Blue Host and complained about how we’ve violated the terms of service. What a motherfucking elite hacker!

The d0xing and the snitching have had no effect on the Glorious Chronicle, as th3j35t3r can’t harm us in any way. If he had any fans, we might be concerned, but apparently he has only two or three.

Chronicle.SU Issued ‘Cease and Desist’ Notice

BREAKING: Bluehost, demanding we remove all disparaging posts mentioning th3j35t3r, threatened to take the Chronicle.SU off their servers Thursday unless Chronicle.SU issues public apology and formal proof of cyberbullying articles’ deletion.

We are so very sorry for hurting th3j35t3r’5 feelings. We did not realize she is so very fragile but now we know her emotions are as balanced as a bipolar single mom and we heed rightly all warnings not to upset her or her three ardent Twitter followers / defenders.

We have not removed the articles ourselves, but instead made th3j35t3r an official Chronicle.SU account, with privileges all to her own that will grant her the power she needs to remove the articles if she feels they are inaccurate or misrepresent her in any way. The username and password were direct messaged to her on Twitter Thursday morning.

We are also sorry for Twitter accounts controlled by this writer who, when not writing for the chronicle, has an extremely loose tongue and demonstrates great interest in the arid climates of female genitalia. But for that we can only be sorry, for what he does in his own time is his own business. But you can rest assured, he won’t bring that dicktalk to the Chronicle. No sir. He surely won’t.

And finally, we wish to make everything right for each individual offended by the Chronicle.SU so we ask that you upload our simple form and put a link to it in the comments section so we may assist your needs individually.

Thank you, and God Bless.

This message brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Local man touches dick

Sources report great pleasure.

everybody’s afraid to use the chronicle
But I’m not

would you fuck me? yeah? you would. you’d fuck this. you’d fuck #oldbrutus

i know you would. i am touching my dick right now. I’m touch ing you. through this website.


TH3J35T3R is Completely Irrelevant

th3j35t3r is a weak, impotent jingoist bitch.

Lacking the necessary skills required to hack and deface the glorious and infallible Chronicle.SU, th3j35t3r resorted to snitching to our web host’s Twitter account, thinking they would share her butthurt after we reported what an impotent dick she is. Nice “hacking” Jester.

The Jester is only capable of attacking outmoded Apache servers based in the Third World. This is why she carved a niche attacking Jihadist websites. Because Islamic extremists hate technology, they don’t even use websites, but they know a guy who, for a wheelbarrow of opium, will throw something together on Apache 1.0.

The Jester attacks these sites using XerXes, some piece of shit offshoot of a real program called SlowLoris, which requires no computer skills and only a basic knowledge of websites to operate. XerXes is so easy, a caveman could abuse it.

XerXes just serves to provide the Jester with a lame hobby – some superficial claim to fame that, in a best case scenario, might get that pussy wet if she knows how to brag to drunk easy kills at the nearby drunkhouse. But we have it on good faith that, contrary to popular belief she is a female, the Jester is a bald middle-aged male who masturbates to child porn on the darknet. However, the presumption that th3j35t3r possesses the technological prowess to navigate the darknet is far-fetched.

The Jester is not helping anybody. He’s only hurting people. If this is funny, then you are a dick, like the Jester. Which is totally cool, but still. You’re a dick. And The Jester is a narc.

th3j35ter is more than a Newt Gingrich, he also violates Wounded Warriors

My dear j35t3r, you are a bottomless source of lulz.

When I helped ruin your Westboro Baptist Psy-Op, Topiary took all the glory and I stole all your troll food. You were a failure then, and you are a failure now. You may be pretty good at throwing packets around, but that doesn’t mean you have any valuable skills. I have all the insanely advanced Computer Science 101 it takes to do what you do, but I can get attention for my cause without the parlor tricks you pass for hacktivism. This site gets nearly as much traffic as yours without the need for that kind of childish behavior.

In June, th3j35t3r received a huge spike in traffic because Tyler Bass mentioned him in an interview with LulzSec.

Lately, no one’s been paying attention to you. That makes you a sad little troll, eh? Your recent confrontation with John Tiessen not only proves you are desperately in need of attention, but it also shows how fearful you are of engaging truly skilled trolls. Remember that hilarious, substantive troll about Hugo Carvalho I published on pastebin in your name? You denied it before I could even refresh the page to see the view count. I guess you were saving all your attention for this obstreperous John Tiessen nutjob. I guess it’s just natural that you’d pick the low hanging fruit. It’s okay, you know I’m a pro, and you know not to fuck with me.

John Tiessen is right though, you are a Newt Gingrich. The fact that Tiessen is a sex offender only strengthens his point. It takes one to know one, as they say. You’re an adult who believes that the childish DDoS of Jihadist web sites justifies the illegal possession of a bot-net. You rape the computers of children, old women, wounded soldiers, and the general public just so you can get the kind of attention that other writers at this site and I command with pure creativity. And then, most insulting of all, you use what you do as a platform to collect donations for Wounded Warriors and yourself. You sick Newt Gingrich.

I hope you enjoy your empty bitcoin purse and your dwindling traffic. Your 15 minutes of fame are up, loser. Tick-tock, tango down, stay frosty. Get the fuck off the internet forever, please.

Yours truly,

Someone much better than you

P.S. As a joke, I advertised my bitcoin address (18zJouAQAMzX5sJygZ4M2QV7yb8FzxSbdq) and begged for money to spend on Silk Road. Since then, I have received more donations than you ever will.

Joseph K Black plagiarizes Gregory D Evans

Famous for books that are 99.3% plagiarized, security charlatan Gregory D Evans has, for once, had his work stolen out from under him. Joseph K Black has adopted Gregory D Evans’ methods. Black has cited his doubtful “expertise” as a reason for people to pay attention to him. Joseph K Black is unapologetic about his obvious intellectual theft from Gregory D Evans, just as Evans embraces his place as a plagiarist.

Twitterrific is a Mac-only Twitter client, final proof of Gregory D Evans' fraudulent computer expertise.

Gregory D Evans obviously doesn’t care that he’s a plagiarist, as long as he gets his attention. He’s made many contradictory and uninformed comments for reporters who think he’s an expert on Anonymous or computer security.

This is a challenge to Joseph K Black: Step up your game if you want to outdo Gregory D Evans.

Anonifeld – The Decree About Nothing!

anonifeldPeople on the outside who just watch CNN and hear the name think anonymous is this group of White Knights when really they’re just trolls. Hateful, hateful trolls with ugly guts who eat happiness and shit hate. And that’s their good side.

Anonymous, with a capital A, is the dogshit anonymous responsible for the scientology embarrassments, icanhazcheezburger, and more. Publishing as #lulzteamsix or #antisex [their true identity] and #lumpthemalltogether because #nobodygivesashitanymore #soletsjustagreetocallthemvirgins, anonymous released another long wordy decree about nothing today, and somewhere, a primetime audience laughed hysterically.

So, like a small child who made all the adults laugh by doing something embarrassingly stupid, they just kept releasing these documents. And releasing them. Like a fish expelling eggs into the water, anonymous flooded the slow side of the internet with their stinky ignorant rotten press releases. And then it wasn’t funny anymore.

These messages to the world answer questions about anonymous that nobody asked, with explanations so frivolous and long-winded, the text-to-speech software is forced to take a deep breath and ask, “Really, dude? Really?” Nobody cares what anonymous is. Not even the FBI. Not even the people you’re trying to help. Nobody gives a flying nunfuck.

One episode of The Decree About Nothing pushed the old limits of allowable youtube videos by filling over eleven minutes with meaningless diatribe. The decree about nothing can be found below [be warned: watching this is a waste of time]:

It’s like one of those religious videos about Jesus.

“Expect us.” to what, exactly? Order a pizza to my house? SQL inject a fucking website? Republish publicly available information, like a pithy list containing the names and addresses of harmlessly impotent cops?

Early on in their “movement,” when Anonymous was charged with being “the Group About Nothing” they actually compiled a list of publicly records from the ALEC and US Chamber of Commerce and released them as “leaks.” Turns out, it was really just a sleight at Barrett Brown, who is considered so full of fail, not even Anonymous wanted him as their leader. They encrypted the torrent using his name and phone number as passwords. In light of these facts, we here at the Chronicle.SU objectively acknowledge that this is hilarious and probably the greatest thing Anonymous has ever done.

We are Anonymous, the group about nothing
We are a Legion of jokers, college freshmen, and script kiddies
We do not forgive our mommies for not buying us that new videogame, and ignoring our subsequent pleas
We do not forget the time daddy wasn’t there
Expect us to write more trite empty manifestos

Oh, here’s one now!

If you bothered to read this one, you probably noticed Anonymous takes a specific stance on censorship. Their “manifesto” contained the word ‘unuseful.’ That’s a pretty harsh thing to say about censorship, but it’s not nearly as bad as calling it ‘useless.’

Have another, written by Barrett Brown. This one reeks of Charlie Sheen. Barrett Brown is the Charlie Sheen of anonymous. Winning!

Yet more. Sweet Jesus, now their writers are using the same fearmongering techniques employed by FOX News except this shit happens to be mind-numbingly stupid. What’s next, hacking phones?

WHY DO THEY KEEP WRITING THIS SHIT – Letter to my fellow man. It is just … you can check anonnews every day and there’s a bottomless supply of swill, JUST LIKE THIS,  being churned out by … god only knows what kind of simple-minded trailer-dwelling ass-monkey with a DSL internet connection. I said it before as a joke, but now I am starting to really mean it: I find it difficult to imagine people out there, typing this shit up, who seriously believe in what they are doing. I wouldn’t trust it at all if the words didn’t come off as genuine – so genuinely stupid. I mean, the only logical explanation for why this material SUCKS SO HARD is that it’s gotta be a government operation to discredit Anonymous. Guys, you’re not really this stupid . . . right?

Analyzing Anonymous and anonymous and all its iterations has done NOTHING to repair my opinion of the virus that walks this earth you call humanity and I call a disease. This is tripe. Garbage. Useless. If this is you trolling me, through sheer will of stupidity, then you’ve won, Anonymous. Consider me trolled. Hard.

New Game Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 Makes Imperialism Fun Again

Hold onto your rights, because War just went global!

Respawn Entertainment, founded by top developers from Infinity Ward, maker of the bestselling Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series have announced plans to release a new game they say will allow players to enjoy the gut wrenching realism of indefinite military occupations.

Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Co-creator and sadomasochist Frank West said all people deserve to witness, and even partake in, the atrocities of war.

“We thought, why should brown people be the only ones lucky to experience the horrors of modern warfare? With Modern Occupation 2, we want to bring the nightmarish reality of war into every American’s living room.”

Vincent Zampella, co-founder of Respawn Entertainment said, “We want to move gameplay away from the kill or be killed mindset. I am fucking sick of it, you’re sick of it and we all want the emails to stop. In Modern Occupation 2, every advancement presents a gray area in which gamers are forced to make split second decisions that may affect them for the rest of their lives – in some cases, more horrifically than war itself; for instance, your character may come down with PTSD if you shoot an unarmed child. Conversely, this is likely to occur even if the child is armed.”

In a live demo, very small children carrying toys and presents walked up to the player to give him gifts of baked goods – but as it happened, Sonjay’s teddy bear actuated a thermite bomb in the bread basket, killing everyone on screen. Leading up to random events such as these, the decision to shoot on sight is in the hands of the player.

An Afghani clears away rubble, but not fast enough.
The decision to execute this man may fall on your shoulders.

Civilian kills are penalized, but if the gamer can turn a murder into an accidental suicide, or frame the bodies to look like insurgents – either by planting guns around their homes or, during online play, calling on other players to support an alibi before his commanding officer – then he will no longer face court marshal and play continues.

However unlike previous iterations of the Call of Duty franchise, which pitted gamers against the Taliban in Afghanistan and challenged them to defend Northern Virginia from Russian invaders, Zampella said Modern Occupation 2 is variably paced.

“For example, in Realistic Mode, a player may find himself standing watch for ten, twelve hours at a time – changing only to adjust for his or her declining opinion of the military industrial complex.”

Additionally, as with any occupation, the political landscape plays an important role. Players may suddenly “disappear” or find that they’ve been targeted for political assassination if, during online play for example, gamers of the same faction invaded Pakistan’s airspace to the chagrin of a terrorist-sympathizing Presidential body, dozens of Seal Team Six may be deliberately targeted for assassination by groups allied forces never expect.

West said, “War games have become so realistic by now, that if children aren’t balled up in front of their televisions in the fetal position, in fresh puddles of their own urine, then we aren’t doing our jobs right.”

A press release posted Saturday on Respawn Entertainment’s website said the company hopes to get Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 out while images of ground-based occupations are still revolting to American audiences. Videogame industry insiders fear many gamers are becoming more rapidly desensitized with each new release, which market analysts believe could cut into profits.

American audiences were enamored by the non-stop carnage of Capcom’s mid-summer release of African Vengeance: Genocidal Rapestorm, in which gamers are challenged to saw a Somalian woman’s arms off while simultaneously gang-fucking her in a flaming blood-spattered hut, or be shot for insubordination.

“I loved circumcising young girls in the bush, but after a while it was just a button-masher,” said eleven year old Kevin Jones of Boston, Mass. When asked what changes Kevin thinks would improve upon his favorite war game, he said, “More mini games like where I get to shove hot phosphorous in my enemy’s eyes using the Wii mote. That was so fun!”

Facing stiff competition from all sides, West said they are comfortable pushing back the release of Modern Occupation 2 to give developers a chance to add features he hopes will keep bloodthirsty fans coming back for more. Some new features include torture chambers, mini-games in which the player herds civilians into cages, and various rage meters West said will gauge a character’s contempt for the people he is enlisted to protect, adding a whole new tier of depth through multipliers and hate crimes.

If pushed back, gamers can expect to unleash their xenophobia on the digital world just in time for the holiday season.


My wildest dreams to be hacked by Anonymous have finally come true

Someone in Egypt with a limited understanding of the English language might read Chronicle.SU and see it as something threatening. However, this is only because of the language barrier. It’s okay. I’m not afraid of being [email protected] and have been preparing a bottle of the finest Pabst Blue Ribbon for this day. Yeah motherfucker, it’s time to get drunk. Poor Egyptians probably don’t even have Pabst. Let’s hope the Arab spring blows some your way. Most likely, this [email protected] lives in Gaza, and is just using Egyptian proxies. It would be pretty silly if that were his actual IP, wouldn’t it?

Meanwhile, Barrett Brown is losing the war against Echelon2, also known as Project Oddysey.

What else can I screencap, as proof of my superiority? After all, numbers and hacks ARE everything. I bet no one even cares to hack [email protected] Who would even try? Barrett Brown won’t write for us and Ian Murphy won’t either. I even gave Murphy an account. Well, feel free to pawn it off on your little troll Barrett, he might change his mind when he sees how much attention we get. AND TALK ABOUT CHICKENSHIT. HOLY CRIPES BARRETT BROWN WHY’D YOU HAVE TO POST THAT SHIT TO REDDIT? DO YOU LOVE BEING HATED?

It’s not slimy enough to covertly record a roommate dispute; no, you had to post it to Reddit for the whole world to see. See how I used a semicolon to prove that I understand good writingzorz? You took down the video, so I just have to imagine you standing there, rambling with a cigarette in your mouth about how you’ve written for all sorts of important publications. In these cocky speeches, do you usually mention your appearance on Fox News where your little virgin asshole got torn apart by vicious professional haterapers? Do you mention the part where lowercase anonymous kicked you out of anonymous? HELL NO.


Adrian Chen knows about Boxxy


BREAKING: This just in: It was reported moments ago that Gawker writer Adrian Chin is aware of the existence and activities of internet celebrity boxxy [boxybabee]. Stay tuned for the latest updates.