Pawin’ Off with Furfags

Lynchburg, Va.– Furry fandom is a relatively new subculture made up of people who fetishize anthropomorphic animals. To some, it is an extreme sexual desire that often crosses over into the realm of bestiality. To others, it is a casual scene in which the use of a “fursona,” or an alternate animal identity, acts as a social [sexual] aid. Chronicle.SU investigators went undercover to a local Furry meeting, posing as reporters from the Furry News Network to get closer to the throbbing, percolating cyst at the heart of Furry fandom.

To gain access to the furry group Southwest Virginia Furs, an attractive and obviously fake female sock puppet account was created. Within minutes of creation, the sock puppet ‘Jess Perkins’ received the entirely creepy message, “glad to see you live in Lynchburg.” As it turned out, the meeting was held at River Ridge Mall, in direct sight of Jerry Falwell’s ultraconservative Liberty University, where there is a time limit on hugging in public.

Area furries check out hot Christmas deals
Area furries check out hot Christmas deals

Chronicle.SU investigators arrived at the furry meeting disheveled, drunk and hungover. We explained that we were paid by Furry News Network to travel up and down the East Coast, visiting furry events as well as covering raft people coming across from Cuba. For extra furry-cred, all notes were taken in a Warcraft 2 manual. The videogame manual’s presence was noted enthusiastically. Although Warcraft is in no way furry related, it is reassuring to other nerds to know they are in friendly company.

Investigators shared their homosexual “fursonas” with the group. In the shadow of Liberty University, however, all talk of homosexuality was met with silence. The Furry group was much more excited about the prospect of meeting a zebra, as that is apparently a somewhat rare, and unwieldy,  fursona.

Only two of the group owned actual fursuits, expensive sexual toys allowing Furries to enact bestiality fantasies. Fursuits are depraved equivalents to football mascot costumes, complete with hatches for Furries to fuck eachother through.

Furries who choose to leave their masks on during “fur fests” – or furry fuck orgies – say the experience is both enjoyable and thrilling. But because wearing a condom in a fursuit is close to impossible, Swivel said STIs among the Liberty campus underground furry community are “on the rise.”

Furkkake

After being buttered up with bullshit lies from Chronicle.SU, area Furries began to open up about what made them become Furries in the first place. The first Furry interjected, “I was about six or so when it hit me, Fifi Le Fume was fucking hot!” The group enthusiastically agreed, boners showing through their pants at the thought of gangfucking a cartoon character. Another Furry, the group jackal, spoke up, encouraged by the open discussion, “Well, basically it started with the Disney Porn. I just kept coming back to it, and something just clicked.” One Furry claimed he was a Therian first, a spiritual belief that he could potentially learn how to physically transform into animals.

Furries are used to protecting themselves from agent provocateurs. One furry for Southwest Virginia Furs, said, “Fuck trolls. If there was a troll here, I’d punch him.”

One way furfags control dissent is to read the quality of character with furries among the group, and compare it against an outsider’s. Because our reporters were more extreme furries than these newfags even knew how to be, chronicle.su was able to ascertain “mad respect” by claiming to be homosexuals who photograph Cuban migrants ferried into Miami. “Because Furry News Network is extending its coverage to all beasts.”

As a result of profound exile, the furry community barely functions within society, so many furries must stay in the “furry closet” so as not be outcasts, although one member, Dangerfox, openly wears a tail, who said, “Wearing a tail is sharing a piece of yourself.” Yet another Lynchburg area furry named Tearclaw recently came out to his family. He lives with his brother, who said his brother told him “he would deal with me being a furry, ‘as long as you aren’t gay.’ he told me.”

Before departure, one of the furries invited chronicle.su to his trailer where the group would drink beer, and watch someone “suit up.”

Lynchburg, VA - Southwest Virginia Furs - FURRY NEWS NETWORK
Lynchburg, VA – Southwest Virginia Furs – FURRY NEWS NETWORK

Newt Gingrich fucked an Alien

Historical fact.

It’s really great that there’s a real Historian running for president. Finally, someone who can stand up and set the record straight on Palestine. Palestinians are an invented people! They never existed in history until this century. Never mind that the word Palestine is found in its first form somewhere around 1150 BC. That’s an inconvenient truth. These people weren’t yet Muslim or Christian so it doesn’t really apply.

Then the period of Zionism began, enforcing permanent immigration rights on basis of religion, flooding the area with Jews who quickly seized power. That’s just how Democracy works, and let’s not call it Zionism. It’s really better described as anti-anti-semitism.  We would never want another holocaust on the Jews to occur.

These Palestinians get uppity, all you can do anymore is cut them off. Blockade their ports, and wall them off. But even when you do that, they just smuggle concrete through the tunnels to build themselves the American dream: An air-conditioned shopping mall!

If only we could just force them to listen to us. We don’t care if they’re Muslim or not, we just want them to drink Coke and watch some Netflix on a nice, new Sony television. But no, it’s got to be a holy war. It’s a good thing we have remote control drones to do all the  dirty work for us from the comfort of our luxury-class Death Cruisers, reminiscent of Star Destroyers.

And to all these sissies whining about the economy, it would all come crashing down if we ended the wars. There will be another, and another, and another until the world is firmly in the grip of America. Multi-national corporate-like entities that have both personhood and the power to buy whatever laws are convenient will engage the fucking hate machine if your leadership wants to raise minimum wages and hurt their bottom line. First, they’ll use HAARP to cripple you with earthquakes and floods. Then, the “relief workers” will show up toting guns, and they’ll start giving out orders to local officials. That’s how it’s done.

Infested Callista

Secret Gang War Rages as Michael Jackson’s Return Approaches

Conspiracy behind recent rap deaths

HOLLYWOOD – The highest level of gang war – that within Hollywood’s elite rap community – has reached fevered pitch. Rather than fighting on the streets like the poor, these hyper-rich stars have resorted to the dirtiest tactics possible. Queen Latifah infected Akon with a genetically modified strain of fast-moving AIDS after rumors had spread throughout Hollywood that Akon once said Queen Latifah’s booty was bigger than his career. In response, Queen Latifah’s main man, Kanye West, was given a roofie immediately before driving home, leading to his death. At this point, Michael Jackson stepped in to end the war among the opposing factions within his organization. As all Hoaxers agree, there are many clues proving Michael Jackson faked his own death so he could help the hip hop community rebel against the New World Order. Michael Jackson slashed the hell out of Lil Wayne’s face till he died just to set an example for the community.

These rappers appear to be still alive to this very day, as the record company has kept a body double on hand to protect their investments in the musician’s brand. Kanye West is a computer simulation, and Akon’s been replaced by a body double. Lil Wayne’s body double is actually a clone, created at birth and subjected to all the exact same tattoos.

May the great Michael Jackson teach us all how to love one another upon his imminent return. May his return be swift, timely and full of groovy dance beats. In Thriller we trust our futures, Amen.

Lil Wayne dead at 29

Lil Wayne dead at 29
Lil Wayne, 29, died tragically at his Louisiana home on Wednesday, December 28.

New Orleans– Fans mourn the loss of Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., the artist better known as ‘Lil Wayne,’ who died early Wednesday morning at his home in New Orleans.

Lil Wayne has died from fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of the popular rage drug PCP.

Lil Wayne was pronounced dead at 6:59 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of phencyclidine.” Sources close to the musician suggested Lil Wayne may have taken too much PCP, a popular party drug, and done severe damage to his face with his hands and sharp knives. He was 29.

Lil Wayne is survived by ex-wife Toya Carter and four children.

Lil Wayne’s charity, Change.org, suffered financial losses after rumors that Wayne borrowed money from the philanthropist organization without returning it, marring the charity group with exactly the negative image of black society from which volunteers work extensively to protect children.

Key assets of Lil Wayne’s estate are expected to be turned over to Change.org, an organization that helps prepare young black inner city youth for the trials of tomorrow.

In his lifetime, numerous lawsuits were filed against Lil Wayne. While these were mostly for copyright infringements and intellectual property theft, he also owed millions of dollars in royalties to scores of people, many of whom were never repaid.

Antisec is not Anonymous

“You cannot arrest an idea,” was Topiary’s last message to Anonymous, but he should have mentioned you can kill an idea. The internet counterculture known as Anonymous, which is actually not a hacking collective, found its most unifying moment coming to the defense of Wikileaks and the freedom of the press. Now, a year later, a small group of supposed Anons have assaulted Stratfor and made themselves direct enemies of the freedom of the press. Rampant misinformation has led the majority of Anons to support this action, and it seems the general belief is that Stratfor must be evil as it was hacked by Anonymous. In truth, Stratfor’s benign publication has been disrupted unfairly and without reason. The Anonymous subculture is in danger of losing all credibility, but more importantly all online Anonymity has been put in jeopardy by the actions of the very few.

Antisec and their leader Sabu, the small group which took credit for this hack, appear to act out of pure opportunism as a matter of course. While their belief that bad security, in itself, warrants exploitation has been expanded on at great lengths, it is actually completely contrary to Anarchist thought. Anarchists criticize those whose authority is gained solely through use of force, and support authority only when it has been proven entirely necessary. Antisec has used force time and time again, serving little to no positive purpose for society and ultimately placing the very concept of anonymity in a negative light for no reason at all. For example, Antisec’s Chinga La Migra release offered up thousands of e-mails from border police, claiming that this action would expose corruption. Not a single case of corruption was exposed, but the sensitive personal information of many border police was. Military Meltdown Monday, another attack carried out by Antisec, yielded 57,000 e-mails containing sensitive personal information of officers and no cases of corruption. Shooting Sherriff’s Saturday, yet another attack targeting law enforcement, yielded information from 77 different sheriff’s offices and again, revealed no cases of corruption and publicized the personal information of officers. Antisec’s use of force in these attacks and on Stratfor is demonstrably without purpose, the actions not of righteous Anarchists, but opportunistic criminals.

Antisec is treading on thin moral ice, engaging in some of the very same activity the US government used to weaken Wikileaks. Sabu claims to have stolen over a million dollars from the credit card accounts found on Stratfor’s servers, a punishment which can be compared to the pressure put on Visa, Mastercard, and Paypal to stop the flow of funding to the defense of Wikileaks. While Sabu also claims to have donated this money to charity, this arguably puts Antisec in a worse standing as the charities will likely have their accounts frozen and only suffer a loss. Misinformation has spread about the nature of Stratfor, maligning and misrepresenting its activities. It is entirely possible that this activity has been purposeful, as the campaign of disinformation against Wikileaks was. Antisec does not stand on the moral high ground, as I believe most Anons do.

Anonymous can disown Antisec. In the past, Anons have disowned wayward operations by general consensus. For instance, threats made against Westboro Baptist Church were completely disowned and written off as infiltration by the Phelps family. The most damaging attack against the Playstation Network, which took place at the height of Operation Sony, was denied even though the hacker left the Anonymous mantra on the Sony server as a calling card. Actions which run contrary to the sensibilities of the Anonymous subculture or are extremely unpopular are in fact always disowned. That’s why I wrote this press release on Sunday, disowning Antisec’s attack on Stratfor. The intentions of Sabu and his crew are increasingly unclear, and it is time for Anons to think critically about whether this type of behavior really represents Anonymous. This struggle is not just about saving face for the internet’s biggest counter-culture, but helping to preserve a future where online anonymity is a protected right.

A Chronicle Christmas

A Chronicle Christmas
‘Twas the night before Lulzmas, cops bust in my house,
Revolution was stirring, I was drunk, getting soused.
The jury was hung on a “bad budget” scare,
In hopes that the people would not really care.

For children were starving with rotted out heads,
While visions of whiter slums molested their heads.
And mamma in the kitchen, cooking up slop,
Had just surrendered her freedom to a power-tripping cop.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I escaped a pig’s grip to see what was the matter.
Away to the broke door I flew with my cash,
Snorted some cocaine and buttholed my hash.

The paranoid delusions were too real to know
In my snowblind confusion, myself my own foe.
When, what through God’s jealous rage should appear,
But a cluster of hippies, 99%ers like steer.

With a human microphone, so lifeless and thick,
I knew in a moment what message would stick.
“Like lightning we’ll strike in nobody’s name,
We’ll whistle, we’ll shout, like this is a game!”

“Now Leahy! now, Schumer! now, Obama like Nixon!
Sign vomit! Now, Stupid! It’s not your decision!
To profit is all! Fuck rights, for the mall!
Now sign away! Sign away! Sign away all!”

As dry heaves that before the belching demons sigh,
What’s done by the government, is ignored and denied.
In the hands of overlords, the Red White and Blue,
Is our fate full of shit, and Big Brother too.

And then, hallucinating, I heard on the roof
The hooking and scratching of Satan’s third hoof.
As I drew in my breath, the pigs turned around,
Down the chimney St Sabu came without sound!

He was doxed to the tits, and only one person cared,
Whose opinion was pointless, pretty much anywhere.
An FBI plant or some Caribbean hack,
We looked at each other, then never looked back.

This, now, is my chance! Sweet escape, how scary!
My face was on fire, coked up and eyes weary!
My right logical brain stroked out to my woe,
And I shook violently daft then collapsed in the snow.

Hitting my face on a drainpipe I lost teeth,
And lost consciousness for days in a foul dreamlike sheath.
The protesters lol’d at our profound lack of healthcare,
That provides us with nothing as out, too, goes welfare.

And in deep dark silence, I felt one knee jerk,
As someone just kicked me to test if my brain worked.
Coming alive, hurt, I slowly arose,
To a throng of brown sluts, bitches and hoes.

I sprang to my feet, and despite a contusion,
I suddenly realized it was all an illusion.
The Universe, being not alive, can not die,
‘Ere it told me the truth: “And the truth is a lie.”

How the Grinch stole Lulzmas

EDIT: After posting this article, Sabu clarified that his tweet did not, in fact, mean that he had stolen from the accounts of 90,000 law enforcement agents, journalists, intelligence community members, and whitehats. The part about journalists was actually shorthand for “corporate media executives,” and of the 90,000 accounts mentioned, only a few were stolen from on Christmas.

This is the tweet that caused so much confusion
Only Sabu and the Grinch steal on Christmas.

In the past, attacks on the media have been one of the few taboos among hackers in the Anonymous collective. And rightly so, as Anonymous generally stands firm on the issue of freedom of information and especially freedom of the press. With the exception of relatively harmless LulzSec defacements of NPR and The Sun, this has been one of the unspoken rules followed by the collective. That is, until now.

Merry Christmas! Unless, of course, you happen to be a journalist for a corporate “white hat” news outlet. In other words, an enemy of “the people” as defined by dear leader Sabu. Sabu tweeted out his Robin Hood hit-and-run on Christmas Eve, a present to all who follow his glorious command. That’s right, the bank accounts of journalists were raided to help make a million dollar donation to Sabu’s unnamed charity of choice. Possibly Hamas, as his Twitter avatar suggests. Only the Grinch steals on Christmas, doing it all for the lulz. Maybe Sabu’s just trolling us all for teh Lulz, too. He’ll come riding down the mountain with all the presents and all the little Who reporters will get their Christmas back.

Christmas this year isn't all bad, at least Boxxy showed some cleavage. Well, I'm not sure what's growing in her hair there.

This is, in effect, the same tactic employed by Mastercard and Paypal to punish WikiLeaks for publishing the cablegate documents leaked by Bradley Manning. If you disagree with what someone says, punish them financially – to hell with the freedom of press! As bankers, CEO’s, and other white collar criminals rob everyone blind, Sabu has decided to rob what he calls “white hat corporate journalists” because they have big ol’ corporate accounts and they aren’t starving or anything.

This move is so blindly stupid, so incalculably bad, so patently dumb, the only logical conclusion is that Sabu and his crew are working for the government to make the nebulous Anonymous collective look bad and help hasten SOPA and the oncoming forced Facebookization of the internet.

Merry Christmas! Anonymous is now fully integrated into the hate machine of one country or another and Sabu’s manning the helm, steering for ultimate destruction of the Fourth Estate. Does he work for Iran, the US, or Hamas? No one knows! What’s clear is that he obviously doesn’t work for Anonymous.