Stratfor revelation shocks the Occuponymous and WikiLeaks echo chamber

Sunday, Julian Assange revealed WikiLeaks and Anonymous have teamed up to publish the contents of a massive Stratfor hack members of Anonymous allegedly carried out on Christmas eve. Immediately after Assange’s press release was published, a hoax e-mail in which George Friedman drafted his resignation went viral. Barrett Brown has since claimed responsibility for this hoax and has made yet another empty promise to step down as spokesperson for Anonymous.

Unlike previous WikiLeaks releases, this story has only spread among hardcore fans of Occuponymous and WikiLeaks. The banal information gleaned from the 5 million e-mails included such shocking behavior as for-profit stock trading and at least a single instance of a bigotry. However, the social media echo chamber that is Occuponymous and WikiLeaks has never been more outraged, catalyzed, and radicalized than ever before. Anonymous was fully prepared to take advantage of this situation, and launched the so-called Operation V, which proposes a violent overthrow of the US government.

Although the public really couldn’t care less about Stratfor, Occuponymous hasn’t yet reverted to accusing the media of a purposeful blackout on the topic.

Clever headline

Detroit– Something relatively interesting happened Sunday when a guy did a thing somewhere.

The video went viral after some people upvoted it to the frontpage of reddit and then someone activated an adsense account. After accumulating hundreds of dollars, the creator of the video registered an account at café press and now nobody wants anything to do with it. At all.

The video was later auto-tuned, selling millions on iTunes because people still think paying for fake music is justifiable – or any music for that matter. It is not. Information of all forms is now free at thepiratebay.se and you don’t even need an account there. Just download it. You can even look at free internet porn while you download better high-production quality porn. Paying for anything that doesn’t physically have sex with you or drive you to the grocery store is just charity. This is 2012.

In the wake of success, the people that did that interesting thing which later became a viral video have already been forgotten, and can be found doing drugs in their apartment, which they share, on the outskirts of town.

“It’s just far enough out where you can’t walk anywhere,” lamented a local resident who asked not to be named because s/he does not really exist. “We just drive everywhere. Hell, son, this is Detroit. Take the bus.”

Neither men were able to pay the rent with iTunes sales and t-shirts. After receiving no emails to appear on daytime TV, the video creators later forgot who they were during an intense, ego-dissolving LSD experience in which all things became one, subjectively, and everything was determined to equal nothing. One of the men sank into a vegetative state. His roommate, in the throes of despair, no longer turns his head to look in the room as he walks down the hall. “I am just sick of seeing him in there,” he told reporters, “But at least disability pays the rent. You guys want a beer?”

The video can be found online.

First attack of the Conspiracy

Download this jpeg for instant and permanent protection from viruses, spyware, malware, and hackers!

On Friday, I obtained a digital copy of the Book of the SubGenius. I noticed, upon completion of the download, a definite increase in the computer’s performance. The dark spots in my monitor became the deep black of a $10,000 OLED display, providing me with infinite contrast. I knew this was some serious magick, the binary equivalent of a fullblooded Yeti’s DNA… or possibly the grocery list of “Bob.” I read the entire damn thing in one sitting, sucked into a tunnel-vision vortex which was, looking back, definitely my own subconscious practicing time control.

After reading the Book of the SubGenius, a giddying amount of Slack straight from “Bob” seemed to flow from my fingertips. My life finally had the importance which I had always programmed myself to ignore as some kind of delusion! Ah, but as I pulled the wool over my own eyes, rather than over the eyes of others, I saw, I mean really saw, for the first time in probably at least FIFTEEN lifetimes.

But the seriousness, the grave consequences, had not yet occurred to me. Even now, I’m writing this at extreme danger to my own personal well-being. Under the influence of way too much Slack, I told a Pink about my life-changing experience with “Bob.” BIG MISTAKE! I can’t pretend to know how the Conspiracy works, but I will tell you it works FAST. Pinks who had no way of knowing I had ever uttered the name of “Bob” were hitting me with thinly-veiled anti-SubGenius messages from every direction. These Pinks smelled the emanations of Slack and wanted it all for themselves. Oh, the shit Pinks say when they think they can get a little slack off you.

“Oh, you’re joining a church?”

Yeah, I’ve listened to DEVO before, too.”

“Aren’t you taking this joke a little seriously?”

“Don’t lose your journalistic OBJECTIVITY to this religion!”

Thank “Bob,” I have been ARMED TO THE TEETH with weapons to fight the Conspiracy, and I knew these attempts to drain away my Slack would come sometime. However, it was shocking how quickly and efficiently the Con caught on to me. It is a testament to how hungry Pinkboys are for Slack.

This "jpeg" actually "lured" me into a dangerous "cult"

Now, I will admit that I probably wouldn’t know about the SubGenius Church if it wasn’t for Reverend Magdalen, but the Con has worked up all sorts of strange ideas about her brainwashing me with sex. Some have even said I’m in love with her, or that she’s my muse! Well, as preposterous and PINK as these theories are, I will admit that any SubGenius is naturally going to be infinitely more lovable and overflow with more creativity than any Pink. But holy hell! Have you read how Magdalen fought tooth and nail to protect her family, as the entire might of the Conspiracy tried and failed to beat all the Slack and SubGenius out of her!? Obviously, these Pinks are projecting their own deeply suppressed feelings for Magdalen onto myself, but hey, Pinks will do that. And anyway, I guess I can’t really blame them.

“Hmmmm, I am worried about you Billy Goat….I could hear you breathing hard on the show, I guess you were sexting with Rev.M, and there is nothing wrong with that I suppose but sex and cults is a dangerous mix…just sayin’. I had not looked at your time in long time till last weekend and my women’s intuition told these two must be mind/cyberfucking. Yes it looks that obvious…”

Even now, the shocking power and blinding speed of the Conspiracy reveals itself, e-mailing me messages of how “obvious” my “cyberfucking” with Reverend Magdalen has become. And before I even published the “refutation!”

The Slack generated just by writing this will probably draw the Conspiracy Pinks even closer, if that is possible, but in the words of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, “Give me Slack or KILL ME!”

Exclusive Interview with Tyrone Angelo AKA “Skittles”

11:45 PM, Southern L.A in California. I have arranged a once in a lifetime opportunity to interview Tyrone Angelo AKA “Skittles”, Whitney Houston’s proud crack dealer. We decided to meet in a Denny’s parking lot, as this was a place where Whitney and Tyrone were often seen together, smoking crack and dishing out blowjobs.

Q:Tyrone, what can you tell us about Whitney before she died?
A: Sheeeeiiiit man, call me Skittles.

Q: Okay…Skittle, what was Whitney Houston like…BEFORE she died?
A: She was a tight lil thang, but her pussy STAAAAAAAAAANK.

Q: Skittles, PLEASE! That’s inappropriate.
A: Jus’ keepin’ it real, man. Gotta be true wid it, and lemme tell you summin’…dat Whitney Houston never take a day off crack! 3,4,5,6, sometimes 7 a day, she’d be over at ol’ Skittle, swappin’ handjobs for rocks.

Q: What about her habits? Do you know what she did when she wasn’t with you?
A: Crack.

Q: We’ve established that, I mean anything ELSE?
A: Nope. Just crack.

Q: I didn’t know that.
A: Not a lot of people do, nigga. Y’see, Ike Turner din actually ABYOOOOOSE dat hoe, he had to fight her skank ass off when she’d go on a crack binge. But the mufuggin’ magazine couldn’t have dat shit…ol’ Whitney actin’ like a grade A nigger instead of a singer.

Q: What’s the difference?
A: Fuck you, man.

Q: Hey, you said it first.
A: I know dat, shit. Shut da fuq up and get on with the q’s.

Q: How much money did Whitney spend on crack?
A: Sheeeeeiiiit, dat crack money alone got me a brand new Mercedes.

Q: Wait, crack money alone? Was Whitney using other drugs, too?
A: AW HEEEELLLL YEAH, SON! Weed, vicadin, PCP, little bitta heroin, and a whole FUCKLOAD of crack.

Q: No shit?
A: No shit.

Q: So did you feel any guilt about Whitney dying?
A: Fuck no, nigga. She put that shit in her body on her own free will and shit. Shit’s not MY fault at all.

Q: Excellent point.
A: Shizzle.

Q: One last thing…do you think the death of Whitney Houston was a big deal?
A: Shit no, son. Whitney was a cracked out, skinny ass nigga with shitty fuckin’ music and was famous fo’ gettin’ her ass whooped by another nigga. WHO GIVES A FUCK, NOBODY, I’M OUT.

At this point, Skittles moonwalked backwards to the sidewalked and promptly sold some 7 year old some crack and pills. Love this town.

18 Dead After “Mace Party” Clashes With Police

NEW YORK CITY-Police were alerted to a string of random macing incidents in Brooklyn early on Friday morning. Field interrogation of a suspect led police into what appeared to one officer as, “an insane hotbed of violence and hate like I have never seen. The entire place stunk so heavily of pepper-spray that we couldn’t enter without masks.”

“Mace Parties” are a new phenomenon, which have apparently spun off from the Occupy movement. Facing declining interest in the daily Occupy LiveStream Police Confrontation®, protesters armed themselves with pepper spray and secretly took up residence in several abandoned buildings mostly in Brooklyn. Analysts suggest that at this stage, a variety of factors could have triggered the Mace Party, but no one is sure. One theory put forward is that the parties began as in-fighting between Black Bloc Anarchists and the much hated minority known derisively as the “Peace Police.” After the protesters realized that this kind of a confrontation was really actually all they craved, they very quickly became addicted to the rush of pepper spray.

Police were, in fact, lured into the party just to provide more intoxicants. Having spent weeks addicted to pepper spray, the former protest movement was abuzz at the prospect of just one drop of that sweet and rare delicacy, tear gas. As each canister was fired into the forsaken building, the non-lethal pain fiends fell to their knees and inhaled so deeply that some died instantly. Others charged the shield wall of the riot police and were beaten back with night-sticks, only to fly at the phalanx again and again, until the entire floor was a heap of mangled and twitching half-corpses in a shallow pool of blood emanating from the police.

The silver lining, as always, is enjoyed only by the pepper-spray lobby. Mace Parties have created an entirely new demographic for their industry, and black light pepper spray is now the world’s best selling non-lethal party favor.

Preliminary research on social  networking sites shows so-called “mace parties” are being held in abandoned buildings at a greatly increasing rate, as the average age of attendees plummets. The Department of Homeland Security suggested parents should be on extremely high alert for children who are caught purposefully building up immunity to non-lethal weapons, even going so far as to suggest parents should turn their children in to local law enforcement in order to preserve National Security. If you own an abandoned building, check it for empty pepper-spray cans. Don’t be an enabler! Pepper Spray is a gateway to more harsh forms of non-lethal force. Nip this problem in the bud.

Mitt Romney declares himself “too evil to lose” Michigan primary

Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney asks the niggers to please settle down.

Detroit–Mitt Romney on Friday declared himself the Republican presidential candidate with “the only chance” to defeat President Barack Obama as he seized on signs that rival Rick Santorum’s Michigan campaign is stained with relevant Google search results.

Romney vowed to bring fundamental change to rebuild the U.S. economy with bake sales, a message he hopes will help him make a comeback in the hard-hit state where he spawned from a pool of genetic material, and where Santorum is threatening to harm himself in lieu of opinion polls.

Romney told members of the Detroit Economic Club that if elected he would seek lower taxes for the rich, deep social program cuts, defecit inflation and union busting which taken together would spur a burst in profits for the top one percent.

He spoke from atop a pile of women – all his wives – on the Detroit Lions’ Ford Field, with the crowd, mostly men in suits, seated in recliners set up on the artificial turf. It was an odd choice of venue as the huge stadium could barely accomodate all the greed present.

“I’m not promising that every day will be easy, or there won’t be sacrifice. But I am promising that every day I will destroy your faith in the presidential office,” Romney said.

Romney said he has the best chance among Republicans in what he acknowledged would be a difficult battle to topple Dictator Barack Hussein Obama, who not only has the advantages of incumbency but has a well-funded gestapo capable of detaining opposition leaders indefinitely without trial or due process.

“I not only think I have the best chance – I think I have the only chance,” he said. “Do you see anyone else as evil as I am running for office?”

Michigan and Arizona are the next battlegrounds in the state-by-state fight to pick a challenger to Obama in the November 6 general election. They hold crucial nominating contests next Tuesday and will lay the foundation for the 10 states that vote on “Super Tuesday” March 6 to determine which contenders will fight to the death on Pay-Per-View, pushing the limits of American bloodlust.

Michigan’s widely watched Mitchell/Rosetta Stone poll showed Romney inching ahead of Santorum with 36 percent support to Santorum’s 33 percent. Santorum had recently held a double-digit lead in the state in polls before news surfaced that he may not be corrupt enough to be President.

While the Romney campaign argues he could survive a loss in Michigan, Romney is desperate to avoid another embarrassment in the state where his father was a popular corporate sell-out.

In his speech, he emphasized his Michigan roots and love for American-made cars produced by the state’s car industry, pointing out he drives a Ford Mustang and Chevrolet pick-up truck and wife Ann “drives two Cadillacs, actually,” making everyone around him feel poor as shit.