Don’t ever eat at Taco Bell

The newly rebuilt combination Taco Bell and Pizza Hut in Southwest Roanoke has all the modern decor you’d expect from the latest wave in fast food interior design.

Fox News blared from the flatscreen as Bill O’Reilly’s visage reflected off the shining simulacra. Stunned and immersed by this Disneyland fantasy, I could hardly decide what to order. “Can I get the double-decker taco with the loco taco shell?” The cashier was completely lost in his smartphone and muttered something in response without making eye contact. I waited until his glazed eyes fell on the register and repeated myself. “Can you guys make double-decker tacos with the loco shells?”

“No, I’m sorry, that’s not on the menu. We can’t do that. There’s no way to ring it up,” he mumbled. So I ordered a pan pizza. The cashier rattled off an inaudible string of annoying questions like some kind of a machine. Cash in hand, I stared blankly at him. “Sorry, I have to say that stuff or they’ll fire me. They send in the fake customers sometimes to make sure.” Embarrassed at being forced into such a contrived excuse for service, he made change and returned his blank stare to the smartphone.

The pan pizza was not ready for over 20 minutes and during this time a ghoulish employee stalked back and forth across the dining room, eyeing customers with a hateful scowl. Highly uncomfortable, I approached the kitchen to inquire about my order. Another cashier was ready and waiting. “What would you like to order?”

“Um, sorry, no. I’m just waiting on my pizza.” With a condescending “Thank you,” another employee slammed the tray of lukewarm pizza and bread sticks onto the counter without making eye contact. According to the timestamps on the boxes, it had been ready for fifteen minutes. I could have demanded a fresh pizza, but I felt the oppressive stare from the dining room employee pacing behind me.

I might have eaten the pizza too fast, but either way it immediately made me sick. On the way home, I considered pulling off the road to vomit, but I didn’t want the six bucks to go to waste. Maybe all the old employees got new jobs somewhere else when they were rebuilding the place. Maybe some new training program backfired. The only one employee who consistently made eye contact was that intimidating demon, stalking around the dining room and wiping off tables mere seconds after customers left. She cleaned my table before I made it out the door.

Do not eat at Taco Bell.

Gmail taken down by Anonymous

INTERNET–Monday, Google’s popular Gmail e-mailing and chat service was taken down for several hours by the Anarchist Hacking Collective known as Anonymous. Barrett Brown, former spokesperson for the group, retweeted the information necessary to knock Gmail offline and has been detained by Federal Prosecutors.

Anonymous immediately denied responsibility for the attack on Gmail before finding out that no one knew who perpetrated the attack, thus making it a legitimately Anonymous attack. “No one knows who did it,” said Google security executive Angstrom H. Troubador. “It’s totally Anonymous”

Angered Gmail users lashed out at prominent Anonymous Twitter accounts, only to find themselves the target of a bullying campaign unlike anything seen since Amanda Todd was forced to suicide.


Julian Assange’s Spurned Lover Reveals Secret Affair Inside Ecuadorean Embassy

Assange has slowly lost grip on reality from the confines of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London.

“I was like a personal sex slave.”

LONDON–Julian Assange’s former personal assistant, now also a spurned lover, gave the Internet Chronicle exclusive details of her sordid affair with the Wikileaks spokesperson–all of which took place within the Ecuadorean embassy. “We’d do meth all day and all night, mainlining it straight into our thighs so as not to alert the Ecuadorean ambassador. That’s why Assange appears completely collected in some interviews and totally out of it in others,” said the anonymous ex-lover and assistant.

Ecuadorean officials recently stated concern that Assange is suffering medical complications related to his confinement in the embassy, and suggested that this is a human rights issue. The anonymous lover said, “He’s been driven to paranoia and ill-health by all the methamphetamine–he called it the mega sex juice–that I smuggled in to him. We injected all the time and fucked around the clock. Sometimes even while he was tweeting! It was great fun, but then he began to suspect I was part of the conspiracy against him.”

As Assange’s stay in the confining embassy wore on, increasingly he directed his energy in a fight against the concerted smear campaign he believed was being perpetrated by every single newspaper in the western world. This paranoid mindset was too much for the relationship. Said the ex-assistant, “We were both really fucked up on meth, and I made a joke about recording him–like I was wearing a wire. He threw me out in a rage, and we haven’t spoken since. He barely tweeted for well over a week. It was the meth withdrawal.”

When asked about whether the nature of their professional relationship in any way shaped their personal encounters, the anonymous ex-lover said, “At first I was just his assistant. I brought him meth, food, washed his clothes–basically did everything for him. It paid well, and he was definitely my boss. Looking back, I do believe he exploited his position of power for sexual ends. Yes, it was definitely far beyond sexual harassment. I was like a personal sex slave.”

Bradley Manning should be President of the World

Hi, I’m a kangaroo and I’ve been hanging out at the Bradley Manning trial since day one. Maybe you noticed me standing between Lind and the ever-contorting face of Staff Sergeant George. Anyway, I hear that a lot of you out there — yes, I’m talking about you, Uncle Jimbo, Barack Hussein Obama, Patrick Leahy — a lot of you are bent on executing this guy, or throwing away the key. Let me do a little fishing around in my pouch up front because I’ve got something hiding in here for you all. Let me see, where is that… Keys? No. BlackBerry? Oh God no — oh, wait, here it is. It’s my middle claw! There we go.
Bradley Manning wants to run for office when he gets out, and as far as I’m concerned he should be the president the day he turns 35, or lower that oppressive age limit. This guy is Captain America, Sergeant Savage and white Jesus all rolled into one. He won’t be spending at least the next decade behind bars because our society is “just” or cares about national security or anything like that. He’ll be spending time behind bars because our government and the people it protects are cowards and liars. Cheats and thieves. Even Coombs, as he waxes Mark Antony-ously about how Manning’s jailers acted “honorably,” said in the same breath during his first public speech that they also acted “criminally.” Criminally honorable. Like terrorists. They’re criminals, get it, punishing a prisoner of conscience with balls. Lots of balls. Brad Roberts of Crash Test Dummies has three testicles. They couldn’t quite believe it. I’ve ducked down under the defense table a couple of times and I can assure you that Bradley Manning has four balls. Possibly seven. And they’re all leaking.

“Morsi anal fucked Manning over a fat bong of hashish.” ~ FanFic

It’s mind-boggling to think that Bradley Manning has received the bizarre scrutiny he is under from the public, heck, even from the folks down at Firedoglake going on endlessly about how the private has broken the law. As if laws were inherently just (remember black vagrancy laws, bans on actually owning a telephone?) or mean anything in the scope of the hyper-real street and courtroom justice Bradley Manning’s actions have seen visited upon some of the most charismatic sociopaths on the face of God’s green earth. R.I.P. Andrew Breitbart. Especially with the benefit of hindsight, Bradley Manning’s actions are worthy of scrutiny only in a meaningless, deontological sense that giving up all this information is bad for its own sake, as opposed to the myriad benefits that the world has seen as a consequence of the leaks. Leaks about North African decadence probably helped cause one of the world’s richest ever individuals, daresay eccentrics, to be murdered by an angry mob after having been stabbed in the anus, in a bad way. If Egyptian Islamists have their way, Morsi will be able to exercise his own degree of tyrannical, socially regressive power over the people of his country. He’s so regressive, even the men will have to wear hijabs. But still, hey, taking down Mubarak is something. Morsi is still the better “other guy,” and that’s how most people vote, anyway: against someone, not for anyone.
Oh, and all of you typical right-wing yee-haw evangelical militant types, even Benjamin Netanyahu is telling you to put down the strictnine and snakes long enough to notice that the Manning revelations actually show how the Saudis were chomping at the bit to get the United States into one of those famous Asian land wars. If you’re against Bradley Manning that’s like being in favor of four more Holocausts; or a contiguous, separate Palestinian state — which are the same thing, anyway.
Despite all of this gobbledygook about how Manning’s “motives and intentions” are being “stricken from the trial,” let’s face it: If he were some gungho Taliban supporter, Ashden Fein wouldn’t just be flashing Manning’s old Kuwaiti noose handiwork in the twink’s face to show us how ready he was to end it all; Fein would be yanking off that superstarched blazer and twisting it up like a towel in a locker room to make his own version in Manning’s face.
Is anyone really happy that, had Bradley Manning not done what he did, we would still be looking at an America where Hillary Clinton could violate serious international laws and call for the ability to monitor the private financial transactions and correspondences of ambassadors? Are we so cynical that we see our way to collective security through dishonesty? Is anyone upset about knowing that John McCain was selling C-130s to Moammar al-Gadhafi? Think that’s something we should have known before everyone started calling for a no-fly zone? If you’re in the military or in public service, how could you possibly be such a coward, such an utter sheep, such an utter tool as to not read the leaked cables? You do know the Taliban has them already, right? You do know that’s just your bosses trying to cover up how they’re screwing you over, right?
Does anyone remember the anguish of the years of the Iraq War when day after day citizens would awake to hear about more dead bodies coming back from Iraq, but the military, two presidents and everyone in the media summarily spitting in our collective faces by telling us the criminally insane lie that there was no available count ready of the dead Iraqis? They weren’t hiding that from you out of some concern for national security or your freedoms they were supposedly defending. They were hiding what Bradley Manning eventually revealed all along because they want you to think that some humans don’t matter, because they think you’re too busy squeezing them out to Kardashian, and because they don’t want you to call your congressman and tell him to get out of Iraq or else he’s complicit in mass murder. Oh, or that you’ll vote for the other candidate out of spite, even if he or she is in favor of the same thing. The homicidal maniacs at the highest echelons of western power all too eager to expand those land wars in Asia I was talking about in the name of women’s suffrage, rare-earth element acquisition, drug eradication, oil, whatever, they want Bradley Manning to get his what-for to distract you from the fact — the F-A-C-T — they want to keep body counts from you to make them rich. That’s it! Aren’t you mad? No? What the blue fuck is wrong with you? This was mass murder, and all of the beigist nihilists at The New York Times and PBS want you to think that Bradley Manning did this because he was upset about “don’t ask, don’t tell.” How can you possibly rob Manning’s acts of supreme righteousness of that dignity by saying that had he just felt like he was sexually attracted to the “right person,” he would have felt a grand sense of blind tribal loyalty to make him betray basic ethical fairness, Hillel’s axiom?
The Occupy movement — a natural happening after a bunch of middle-class Americans saw a similarity between their plight and that of a bunch of Cairo secular hipster intelligentsia — choked off the rent-seeking financial services, insurance and real estate markets by causing record numbers of Americans to move their assets out of the major I banks and into credit unions. Had those long-haired menaces not taken to the streets surely Wells Fargo and Bank of America would be charging $2 a month for free checking. Can people not see what a huge hassle that would have been?
This was the global change-up and shake up everyone wanted! Everyone hates Congress! The Afghanistan war is increasingly unpopular still! This was real democracy! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Guy Fieri hospitalized for anal fissures

Guy Fieri limply holds onto the microphone at the national Homophobia Awareness Association’s yearly meeting. Source: Wikileaks

NEW YORK–Monday, Guy Ferry–known to television viewers as Guy Fieri (pronounced fee-eddy)–was hospitalized for life-threatening anal fissures. Anal fissures are tears in the rectum usually caused by vigorous insertions of increasingly large or strangely-shaped foreign objects without proper lubrication or training.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, proctologist, said “These kind of deep anal fissures are often fatal if not treated, and may take many months of painful bowel movements to heal. Needless to say, Guy will want to take it easy on ‘off the hook’ spicy foods for a long time.”

Ferry’s new restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square, was lambasted in a viral, scathing review from Paul Wells of the New York Times. Guy fired back by going on the Today Show and complained to Savannah Guthrie about the reviewer’s “agenda” –while making cheap excuses for the bad food and accepting some measure of responsibility.