NEW YORK, NY — As protesters from surrounding gentrified neighborhoods filter into Zuchotti Park, just a stones throw from the worlds wealth trading capitol, the NSA is geared up to test all of its latest biometric and electronic surveillance methods on unsuspecting schizophrenics. Teamed with a $250 billion grant from congress and a newly formed partnership with French transplant 0day exploit development firm VUPEN, the NSA has really outdone themselves this time.

In an effort to quash discordant behavior through fear of omniscience, the NSA has publicly announced that they will not only be intercepting, injecting and exploiting electronic communications of the protesters, but will be deploying a series of biometric tools that will be taking millions of photos and fingerprints. The program, called “Operation Arthur Silvester,” can identify fingerprint data from numerous drones continuously filming protesters. Data collected is filtered through an algorithm that reconstructs the entirety of the fingerprint from even the tiniest sliver. Protesters better be wearing gloves if they don’t want to be cataloged and possibly framed by the NSA via fingerprint planting at crime scenes.

Operation Arthur Silvester also involves an exploit developed by VUPEN and sold to the NSA for $25 million that enables full control of every smart phone on the market. Not only does it utilize the known functionality of compromised phones, such as listening while the phone is off or viewing the camera without the owners knowledge, but it can also utilize the consumer->phone symbiosis. This emotional connection to an electronic device is the feeling one gets when a person has a phone in their pocket and it feels like it’s vibrating, but it isn’t. It’s that sinking feeling the consumer gets when they realize they left their phones at home. That “nakedness.”

VUPEN’s exploit can essentially read the emotions of smart phone users. The Internet Chronicles clinical psychologist and chief technologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador posits “The NSA’s ability to read peoples emotions is simply an avenue to create a way of further manipulating the emotions of consumers. This kind of technology is like Google’s AdSense, also an NSA partner, but far more acutely defined in its manipulation techniques.” The smartphone will then act as a reality defining tool that the NSA will utilize to tailor everyday advertisements to be far more effective for the individual.

All of this lends to the fear, uncertainty and doubt that the general populace is fed daily and I, for one, hope it continues, because those assholes block traffic.

URGENT UPDATE: THE MAN PICTURED ABOVE HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO HIDE HIS PHYSICALLY IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION FROM THE NSA!!!!! IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

KALAHARI — The !Kung were some of the last sane people on Earth, living by foraging on a staple nut which has more calories and protein than an equal amount of any genetically modified grains. Insane people, driven by a paranoid fear for their security, have for 10,000 years insisted on eating mostly genetically modified plants and animals. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador tells us, “Of course the !Kung never have to work more than 15 hours a week to comfortably subsist, and their diet is richer and more nutritious for it. The fossil record shows that hunter-gatherers rarely show signs of malnutrition, where agricultural fossils nearly always do! The only possible way that this change happened was through the use of fearmongering ideologies or religions which were used to give privilege and control to a small minority most infected by the virulent paranoid sickness. That was the very birth of what became civilization!”

Dr. Troubador glowed and flashed a broad toothy smile, “These people had a culture that kept them humble, something admirable. When an individual performed a great achievement, he or she was shown earnest scorn and in no way congratulated. Ain’t that something? Muh /b/rothers know what’s up.” Leaning in and smirking, Dr. Troubador whispered, “It’s how they became immune to the nightmare mind-control paranoid madness.”

UPDATE: The !Kung have recently succumbed to the nightmare mind-control paranoid madness and now work hard at their farms for well over 40 hours a week.