It’s hanging onto everyone, leering around at the room as it gropes the family children, probing for stuff it’s not supposed to find.
“Uh-oh, what have we here? Something you’re not supposed to be doing. Your parents would be very upset if they knew that you did that. There, there. Don’t cry. Really. You can make it all better. That’s a good girl. You don’t have to cry. Uncle NSA can help you make it all better. Shhhhhhhh.”
The NSA knows all the best changing rooms, where they can take a peek at your children’s sexting photos and blackmail their enemies with the same handy multi-tool, connected right into that magical cloud like it’s Ghost in the Fucking Shell.
But I already know you’re not mad. I’m just saying.
Heck, I’m glad we have something like the NSA protecting our freedoms, like other paramilitary, sub-governmental groups such as the Taliban, Hezbollah and Hamas protect the freedoms of their constituents.
Thanks, creepy Uncle NSA! Give me a hug. Hey! Tee-hee. Watch the hands!
This message brought to you jingoistically by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – American patriotism at its finest.
NEW YORK — Banksy’s New York studio attempted to drop a giant banner spanning the entire George Washington Bridge, which would have said “LONDON RULES, NEW YORK DROOLS,” but police reportedly assailed Banksy before any of the 2,000 banners were successfully hung. Police were tipped off by new spy drones which peer through windows at suspected drug houses and at the hotel rooms of foreign dignitaries.
After evading arrest and reaching for the smartphone in his pocket, which police believed may have been a weapon, Banksy was shot 77 times. No investigation is being held.
Anonymous family members of Banksy asked fans of Banksy not to report on his identity and ignore tabloid media which is making money in a way Banksy would never approve of. Banksy was 64 years old and had three children and will be missed by fans more than any graffiti artist in all of time.
INTERNET — King Arthur and his knights sat at a round table so that none might be seen as sitting at its head. The knights, deciding as a group, accepted the quest for the Holy Grail and set out into the forest individually, entering where each personally felt the forest was at its darkest. None went together, for they all knew that would be shameful cowardice and fear of the dark. Meanwhile, the Grail king sat in his castle, ruling by default with a grievous and fatal wound from the ancient Roman spear which pierced Christ.
Although Arthur’s government is monarchic, the architecture of its meeting hall, a round table, embodies much ideology continued in contemporary Western culture and democratic governance, showing a clear preference for speech without privilege. Coupled with that is the identification of the quest with individuation, as each knight must take a separate, perilously individual path.
Western Ideology has bubbled to consciousness in this story and its architecture. This ideology is set in opposition to the Grail King, who rules by default in a watery castle hidden to the conscious mind, bearing a grievous wound which will not heal. The grail has been depicted in many ways and attributed with various powers, but the boon of the grail quest lies in taking over for the Grail King without suffering from the same unconscious blind spots, indicated by both violent Roman Humanism and Christ’s Passion on display in his wound. Parsifal, because of some poor advice, fails to mention the Grail King’s wound and so fails the quest. Parsifal is told it is impossible to try again, but by now he has learned to ignore advice and succeeds anyway.
The American Senate’s chamber is a bisected circle, a half Arthurian table showing the American mania for competing parties. The President’s Oval Office is a distortion of Arthur’s table, squeezing the idea of equality like the Ancient Greek paradox, “first among equals,” while maintaining its wholeness. The exteriors of government buildings, based on Greek and Roman temples, continue in a design tradition intended to impress with divine authority. They are now left bare and white in reference to the ruins of the temples, an effect which suggests the timelessness of God.
Postmodern Architecturalist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, believes that many of the problems of the US government are determined by the architecture of state apparatuses. Dr. Troubador, at a round table discussion with fellow Revolutionary Architecturalists, told the press, “You want an end to the two party system? You want better government? Build a circular congress with no aisles and no rows! Seems unwieldy, eh, what with all those people at one round table, but we’ve got the internet now. It’s the biggest damned round table there is, in some places . . . Yeah, there’s still going to be a hierarchy, there’s always going to be hierarchies. People gotta cooperate, make decisions. Thing is, Caesar starts thinking he’s God and it ain’t even his fault, it’s the architecture fucking him up. We don’t need Arthur’s round table, we just need some contemporary version where privileged speech doesn’t emanate from a great podium at the top of stairs to heaven inside of ancient sun bleached Greek temples.”
MIAMI, FLA – Lou Reed died tragically today at the age of 71, but media has been slow to report on the cause of his death at the hands of Illuminati murderers. Speculation that his death was related to a liver transplant last May proved false when Reed’s doctor, Angstrom H. Troubador, denied that Reed suffered any serious complications from this procedure.
Police report drafting compasses and dollar bills were strewn around Reed’s apartment, along with other assumed calling cards of the Illuminati. FEMA authorities cordoned off Reed’s apartment and evacuated nearby residents for fear of the presence of biological agents. Anonymous members of the Illuminati on Twitter took responsibility for the attack and celebrated by posting memes mocking Reed’s latest collaboration with Metallica, Lulu.
The Illuminati has been “cleaning up” influential musical acts to increase their own influence in the zero-sum game of “Symbolic Craft Masonry.” Since taking out their number one target and enemy, Michael Jackson, Illuminati influence has grown out of control, and as a result freedom has visibly declined. Illuminati members and shills such as Rihanna and Miley Cyrus now firmly control the message of all popular music.
INTERNET — Rasputin, famed Soviet psychic commando who later secretly joined forces with Stalin, predicted the end of the world in nuclear war on August 23, 2013. Rasputin was widely known for infiltrating the minds of enemy spies and shutting down hundreds of American espionage attempts during the cold war.
Some believe Rasputin was able to enter the mind of Edward Snowden almost a century before he was even born and direct him to turn over NSA files to Soviet Union controlled journalists. In his vision, this sparked a global calamity which culminated in nuclear war. Rasputin said, in his account of this apocalyptic vision, “In a hypnagogic state last night, I lived the entire life of a spy with access to an unfathomably genius contraption invented by Americans, of all people. I could read anything written, anywhere on Earth. I turned the device upon the Americans and brought intelligence to mother Russia. It ignited a global scandal. On August 13, 2013, the world burned in flames. Never before have I had such a terrible vision. Everywhere, survivors scrawled this date as a reminder.”
Rasputin may have died, but some say he illegitimately fathered Vladimir Putin, Russia’s current president.
INTERNET — Friday, the hacker and trolling ensemble, “Rustle League,” widely known for shutting off the lights at the super bowl last year, took credit for downing the NSA.gov website using a piece of Windows 98 software known as “RustleNuker2.” The cheeky hacker group is defined in opposition to “moralfags” in Anonymous and campaigns against Anonymous with both elite doxings, or identification of so-called “Anons,” as well as advanced pranks.
An NSA spokesperson, Angstrom H. Troubador, pounded on his podium at an impromptu emergency press release. “We will hunt down every last member of Anonymous who did this to us and string them up by their toes with our labyrinthine legal process. We killed Anonymous once, and we’ll kill it again.” When asked if he was going trick or treating, Troubador raged, “Arrest that journalist! Arrest him, he’s from Anonymous! We know about the memes!” The reporter was detained, and the sweaty, red-faced NSA spokesperson declared, “The war on Anonymous and the war on terror are one and the same.”
INTERNET — The Internet’s number one site, The Internet Chronicle, attended an academic lecture on Internet Studies and the Digital Humanities.
“Once shit hits the social media fan, it spreads before the so-called ‘lulz lizards’ can be hunted down. The Hydra’s head is lobbed off only after at least two heads, or variants on the narrative, have already been accepted and the old shit has been forgotten,” said Dr. Troubador, Social Media Maverick Information Anthropologist.
Excitedly, Dr. Troubador revealed his latest invention, the Culturescope, “The Culturescope is a dynamic fractal rendering of all human language inputs in every word passed through the internet at any given time. It’s tapped into the NSA and has huge military funding. Heh. Different branches of Wittgensteinian word-game groupings are fed through an ever-changing algorithm which is based on the instantaneous gestalt rendering of the whole.”
“Watching every conversation in the world as a three-dimensional fractal image blows everyone’s mind. Of course, the beauty of it isn’t what we’re paid for. Heh. What we do is forecast the likelihood of future events. The Culturescope has accurately forecasted events in its few years of test operation with a 98% success rate. The presidential election, Benghazi, and Justin Bieber spitting on a fan’s face. Even that Derick Johansen, employee at Wal Mart, who tweeted that he hated his boss. Obviously we’re through the looking glass, folks. This is the End of the Past. Humanity has punctured the precarious surface tension of time and now dwells in the future.”
NEW YORK — A member of Banksy’s studio crew in New York spoke with the Internet Chronicle, leaking details of Banksy’s grand finale to his industrialized art blitz in New York City.
Inspired by Occupy Wall Street protesters who blocked the Brooklyn Bridge for several hours, Banksy plans to be arrested in a stunt which will reveal his identity to the public. Banksy has hired several brightly-colored vans which will spell out “TERRRORISTS” and “OCCUPY” in Banksy’s signature font. These vans are being equipped to bury gigantic steel wedges into the pavement as we speak. These vans may be capable of stopping most New York bridge and tunnel traffic for weeks.
It was announced Thursday the NSA is installing an all-seeing Eye of Sauron headed by Richard Ledgett. Ledgett will spy on his own spying agency to prevent more incidents like former contractor Edward Snowden.
He was quoted by the AP as saying, “The Lord of America sees all.”
“Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of America sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Greenwald: a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.”
With Sauron Technology, Dick Ledgett can see his National Security Agents of Misfortune fucking up in real time, and make them disappear.
This entire story was broken on conditions of anonymity. Not even the NSA spokeswoman would comment on Ledgett’s simple position change.
One thing’s for sure: We’ll all be a lot more free this way.
INTERNET — Famed Internet lawyer Sue Brasko has broken the story of three young Finnish chaps who happen to make up the entirety of the deep web personal information hotbed “doxbin.” Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, the website is actually an entity in itself and all sub-entities arrested, when combined, create doxbin as a whole. Think Voltron, but not Voltron.
They cannot exist autonomously, which is why doxbin the website is still up and functional. Even if you arrest the three doxbins(You cannot arrest an Doxbin), they are still able to synergize in Finnish prison to create a Tor relay to doxbins onion. The only way to affectively disable their superpowers is to break the molecular bond created when the Doxbin3 were born, considering they were birth via in vitro fertilization by the same donor: Erich Fritz Emil Mielke.
The Internet Chronicles very own molecular physicist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador posits: “The only way to truly neutralize these three boys that have been inextricably linked at birth through chromosomal mutations– whose abilities are not much different than the network of computers that comprise the Internet or Tor for that matter– is to give them lobotomies while they’re strapped down with Faraday chain-mail in a super bright laboratory somewhere.” He continues, “Until then, the reign of terror that is doxbin will continue until the fabric of our very existence is whatever.”