Month: September 2014

Categories
Law Technology

Richard Stallman Arrested for Criminal Negligence

INTERNET—After the notorious “shellshock” bug was found, embedded irresponsibly in millions of computers by Richard Stallman of the free and open source GNU platform, Stallman was charged with criminal negligence and may face over 50 million years in jail when convicted of all five million counts.

Critics believe that Stallman went far beyond negligence and actually inserted the bug purposefully, in order to diminish American computer security.

Bill O’Reilly, of the O’Reilly factor, said:

“This Stallman nerd filled his software with holes and said he made it for free. Obviously there’s more to this crime than investigators know, but could it be that one computer nerd has been siphoning trillions of dollars out of our economy and into the hands of enemies and terrorists for decades? Just how is it that Japan has had smartphones and wireless technology capable of streaming full HD since the early 90’s? I blame Richard Stallman.”

Stallman is being held in solitary confinement without bail and will face trial in April of 2025.

Categories
Obituaries

Charlie Sheen dead at 49

Charlie Sheen died in a plane crash on Friday evening. The name of the other victim, right, has not yet been released.

HOLLYWOOD—Fans mourn the loss of Charlie Sheen, famed star of Two and a Half Men and controversial proponent of recreational drug use.

While flying his private plane, authorities say Sheen became engaged in autoerotic asphyxiation and lost consciousness.

Search teams located the wreck Friday evening. Cocaine, heroin, and a bag of cannabis were found packed into the aircraft’s wing, which was on its way to Mexico.

Family has not commented on the ignominious circumstances of Sheen’s death, but his fortune has been disbursed to the DARE anti-drug abuse organization.

Sheen recently expressed interest in returning to Two and a Half Men, after being replaced by Ashton Kutcher during the depths of another one of Sheen’s episodic drug binges.

A memorial service will be held for Sheen at the Crystal Cathedral on Sunday afternoon.

Categories
World новости

Kony building dirty Ebola bomb

kony
Kony is cooking up “dirty” Ebola bombs by sending his child army to collect thousands of deceased Ebola victims.

INTERNET—Kony, terrorist commander of Africa’s child army, has teamed up with weapons technicians from Boko Haram to construct what has been called a “dirty” Ebola bomb.

Rather than weaponizing the deadly virus through genetic modification and lab cultivation, Kony’s child troops have been sent on a suicide mission into the heart of the Ebola outbreak to collect thousands of corpses for construction of the dirty bomb.

Biological weapons expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “If the bodies were pulverized, the liquid pressurized and detonated or dispersed with compressed air over urban areas, that kind of a dirty bomb could kill thousands, or potentially millions of Americans.

The technology to do this is available at any hardware store or airfield across the planet. It’s a 9/11 like scenario where the imagination of the terrorists turns peaceful technology into an unforeseen sophisticated weapon of mass destruction.”

Already, Americans around the country have been advised to huddle in their homes and tape over their windows with plastic sheeting to seal out the Ebola vapors that could descend at any minute.

However, Dr. Cecilia Darwin of the CDC said:

“Ebola can only effect Africans, and when it infects a European or Asian person the effects are never fatal. It’s long been known that Ebola was created in a weapons program where diseases were created to target certain haplogroups, and it’s my understanding that only African Americans should worry about the impending Ebola bombs.”