TOURISM — Stare at your phone in awe and wonder as you take in the natural beauty of the Grimlies and enjoy the internet streaming from our thoroughly disguised 4g towers placed on the crest of every ridge. When visiting, keep your phone at the ready at all moments, because bears may appear at any time, and they are not only dangerous but valuable to your social media reach.
We have the most beautiful views for you to pose in front of for friends on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter, including but not limited to mountains, waterfalls, and bubbling rivulets. Our Five Star restaurant prepares the most photogenic food available in the entire South, serving up plates in a dazzling array of colors in our well lit booths.Be creative, even on rainy or foggy days the woods can be magical. A visit to Grimlies National Park will surely gain enough likes to take your social media game to the next level.
Gaze in wonder as your affordable Grimilies National Parks augmented reality app turns your phone into a time machine, reviving long-dead Indians, Bison, and old growth forests so you can see history as it really happened. We’ve got fiber optic cabins available for those who want to share their excursion with blazing fast internet speeds not even available in most cities.
SEPTEMBER 11 — Pope Francis held a global council of Christian leaders from all creeds Thursday and declared a “New Crusade,” calling on “volunteer Christian soldiers” to oppose the rise of the New Islamic Caliphate (ISIS or ISIL). The Vatican has opened its deep coffers and can afford to pay exorbitant wages to “millions,” and promises to “create so many jobs no Christian will ever again go hungry.”
Already, almost a hundred thousand poor Christians have enrolled for war on the Pope’s new web site, crusade.org. An encyclical issued by the Pope outlined a crisp strategy for the crusade, saying, “The seat of the Eastern Orthodox Church in Constantinople, the Hagia Sophia, must be restored, and we must wipe Istanbul off of the map. The cancerous Islamic Caliphate must be utterly devastated and the endless killing across the Islamic world, especially in Palestine, must be totally suppressed. God calls on the poor to lift themselves out of poverty and win great riches securing the hearts and minds of Muslims in league with Satan himself.”
This announcement from Pope Francis comes on the anniversary of 9/11.
In an unprecedented display of power, the telcom giant Comcast has stationed a battery of private paramilitary forces around the insurrecting township of Ferguson, MO.
The industry giant’s spokesman, Jeremy Malestrong, said the need for intervention became apparent when existing customer service measures proved insufficient to quell the bubbling uprising.
“The free market has a solution for Ferguson,” Malestrong said. “State and local customer service representatives armed with tanks, teargas and M-16s are not enough if the agents are unwilling to use them. Our Comcastic death squads will ensure the kind of customer service Comcast users are accustomed to by restoring stability to the region and answering Ferguson citizen complaints, all – and I mean all – of whom are loyal Comcast customers.”
Malestrong said privatized oppression is the next logical step of customer satisfaction, adding that the coming merger with Time Warner Cable could offer a direct solution to the problem of choice.
There will be only one source of Internet: us!
“After the merger, our customers will no longer be forced into the uncomfortable decision of choosing where to go for the best Internet,” Malestrong said. “There will be only one source of Internet: us!”
Lieutenant Harry Coinpurse of the Ferguson County branch of Comcast customer service issued a press release stating that with the arrival of paramilitary hate forces, the Ferguson Police Department is free to return to the day-to-day police work of pulling over black people and asking where they’re headed.
“By way of the marriage of neoliberalism and socialized oppression,” Coinpurse stated, “we are proud to announce the dispersal of ALL dissatisfied Comcast customers, and will be expanding the curfew to include daytime hours so that you are safer indoors and have more time to spend on your secure, not-at-all monitored Comcast high speed Internet featuring 99.9% uptime.”*
Ferguson residents have issued a slew of responses to their reiterated enslavement ranging from satisfied, to very satisfied. In a survey at the end of the call, at least half of respondents said they would recommend Comcast Systematic Oppression of Justice to a friend.
*Conditions may apply; does not pertain to the entire Internet, and especially not to chronicle.su.
INTERNET — The video gamer atmosphere was heavier with repressed sexuality than ever before, and positive reviews of a video game called Depression Quest kept flying off the pages of game review publications. “A game that you have to read? And when you read it, its intention is not to make you have fun, it’s to make you feel depressed?” Few gamers paid Depression Quest any attention. After all, it was a game that was never intended for the exponentially growing demographic of pale, sexually repressed young men locked inside their houses.
Meanwhile, millions of gamers were fermenting their semen in the safe chamber of video game fantasy worlds where no one ever turned them down, but somehow they were still denied sex. It didn’t make sense, except as purposeful torture. Some latched onto a growing subculture of men, “Red Pillers” who broke out from the sex-deprived Matrix of female persecution by keeping score of “sex market value” and leveling up their physique. They didn’t date women, but rather gamed plates, the goal being to keep as many plates spinning as possible, like a juggler manipulating as many women’s emotions as their manhood could handle.
Depression Quest had no explosions and no sex, and the post-pubescent gamers were, as usual, balls deep in some violent first person shooter on a hot killing spree, perhaps shouting “rape!” in celebration. But everything changed when the ex-boyfriend of Depression Quest’s designer blew the lid off of his jilted case of personal repression. He’d been in the “sex zone” of Depression Quest’s cute nerd girl designer — every repressed gamer’s shock-blue-haired big titty wet dream. But somehow, he found himself cut out of the world of sexual gratification, and what was worse — he hadn’t been her only sex partner. It would not do for him to slink back to fantasy land with his engorged penis painfully bouncing between his legs. He would find a way to package his libidinal excesses and market them to his fellow gamers in pain. He would blow a hatenut that would launch ten trillion tortured sperm.
He did everything just right. He made all the connections and packaged them into a novel-length series of blogposts that showed he was not simply blaming and shaming his ex-girlfriend because she no longer touched his penis. Rather, it was a grand conspiracy involving all the largest video game bloggers and reviewers out there, and reading it I imagine that on the nights before Christian holidays bad game designers like his ex-girlfriend stuck video game controllers between their legs and flew off to a global black mass to have wild satanic ritualistic sex orgies and set the agenda for who would succeed in the gaming industry and who would not.
The collective libidinal discharge would personally target Depression Quest’s buxom designer while espousing an ideological rationalization that “Social Justice Warriors” were corrupting “Video Game Journalism” with feminist critique, which was not only unwelcome, but oppressive and evil. The shallowly concocted verbal tricks some used to paint their mass freakout as a moderate and sensible movement in opposition to a corrupt industry were so transparent only a pale, bent troll with eyes dazed from constantly staring into screens could think they were sound. Meanwhile, they traded nude pictures of Depression Quest’s designer and sent them to her friends, family, coworkers, and employers. They issued death threats, hacked her various social media accounts, and did whatever else they thought might provoke a reaction in the effigy that represented all their unsatisfied desires.
Some believed that something so monstrous could simply not happen, preferring rather to believe that it was only a small conspiracy of a few dastardly bandit hackers with thousands of sockpuppets that just made them appear as a multitude. But that’s putting too much faith in humanity, and taking the frenzied flock of screwy gamer sexuality at its word.
If they’d truly thought Depression Quest’s designer was ugly or truly hated her for being a feminist, there’d have been no pleasure in it for them. They didn’t care for one second about her game, the industry’s integrity, or any of the watery soup of bullshit they’d cooked up. And to be fair, there were probably just as many frustrations and inadequacies motivating them as there were people throwing abuse her way. But the witch hunt for Zoë Quinn was that special kind of sour grapes hate crush that’s familiar to any jilted ex-boyfriend. They zeroed in on her vulnerabilities, and any response from her, especially pain, must have triggered a masturbatory reverie among thousands of gamers.
As is so typical, they showed their hand when describing their imaginary opposition: “If you’re defending her, you just want to get laid!”
FRANCE — Fans mourn the death of Robert Crumb, also known as R Crumb, who died suddenly Thursday from a rare exploded prostate. Crumb was known for his cartoon characters Fritz the Cat, Mr. Natural, and the album artwork on Janis Joplin’s Cheap Thrills.
Crumb ignited the Underground Comix movement in Haight-Asbury in the 60’s and was the subject of the documentary film Crumb. His iconic acid-inspired work has been entombed on the walls of museums everywhere and regularly fetches millions in major auctions.
Crumb’s vast fortune was disbursed to several charities, including the West Africa Ebola Foundation andthe Women’s Liberation Front. He was a lifetime fan of women with large legs, and his Devil Woman character inspired Queen’s hit single Fat Bottomed Girl. He was rumored to have had “easily one of the largest penises in the world.”
INTERNET — Commander X, famed hacker from Anonymous, took credit for downing Facebook today with a powerful new cyber weapon known as Padmasambhava, named after the Commander’s Tibetan Buddhist roots. Commander X, also known as Chris Doyan, fled the United States in 2012 after facing charges for orchestrating a similar attack on Santa Cruz government web sites.
Commander X issued an official Anonymous press release which stated that Facebook will remain down until Barrett Brown is released from prison. At this point in time, the Department of Justice has not responded to Commander X’s demands, but it is generally not government policy to negotiate with terrorists.
Commander X continues his fight while in exile in Canada and was recently featured in a New Yorker article after penning his autobiography. In the past week, Commander X has orchestrated the doxing of several people who purportedly murdered Mike Brown, as well as launching “total cyber war” against the newly formed Islamic State. The Commander has also put out several official warnings to an army of “trolls” who oppose his new policies and leadership of Anonymous.