Pro-life scientist clones thousands of "aborted" babies

Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.
Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.

WISCONSIN — Scientist, Polymath, and newly recognized Saint of the Divinity Megachurch Consortium Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proudly announced, “Thanks be to the grace of God and the miracles of modern science, that today a thousand babies, once aborted by mothers, were saved.”

Through an underground network of dissident health industry workers, the DNA of every American child aborted in a licensed facility has been collected, cataloged, and preserved. For decades, the problem of cloning this database of nameless children has been solved, but breakthroughs in rapid prototyping, robotics, chemical synthesis, and virtual reality have allowed for the final steps of the subversive pro-life scientist’s crusade against abortion.

Dr. Troubador said, at a raucous press release, “We’ve been able to clone children since the 90’s, and I predicted it would be only another two decades until we could automate the raising of a child and provide for their material needs entirely in the dumpster biosphere. It wasn’t hard. We took out their DNA – from the trash bins behind Satan’s clinics – and plugged it into a computer,” Troubadour said.

Dr. Troubador has been able to quickly produce thousands of prototype incubators, which auto-install into most standard dumpsters and run entirely off of solar energy. The incubators have a robotic unit that will sort edible materials out of the trash for the babies, as the babies are entertained by a never ending stream of church propaganda, Fox News, and bible study.

Dr. Troubador wrote of some risks while in the early stages of his project and still in the stage of collecting DNA from aborted fetuses back in the 80’s, “There is a small risk that the purifying food re-synthesis unit will fail because of overly toxic trash, robotic failure, or a lack of biomaterials or moisture in the dumpster. However, I’ve calculated that only a handful of these babies will die this way, and that we’ll at the same time successfully bring back potentially millions of aborted babies with this technology. If some die, they can always be cloned again.”

Tammy Faulkland, 34, said she was shocked to discover with her aborted child who had been extracted, as DNA, from a Planned Parenthood dumpster more than five years ago.

“The baby was a-layin’ there in the dumpster watchin’ a screen like that man in A Clockwork Orange, just absorbing all that religious hate,” Faulkland said. “I just about didn’t recognize him, in his little box in there. Son of a bitch looked just like his daddy, but in a clean little box instead of him covered in piss and used condoms.”

Faulkland said she did not ask for her child back, but by miracle of God and science, he appeared.
“It’s a lot like the story of Jesus,” she said. “He was gone one day, and then later on he’s back, like a zombie, except he wants everybody to think and believe just like Him in perfect uniformity.”

Dr. Troubadour’s incubators are indistinguishable from traditional dumpsters. From the outside, they are green, blue, black; some have lids, and some do not; through neoliberal powerhousehouse Lebal Drocer, Inc., they are much more.

“The likelihood of you throwing a baby or fetus into a 3D-printed Lebal Drocer-brand Refuse-Reuse-Reanimation Facility is upwards of 99 percent,” Troubadour said. “If you throw a baby or a fetus, or a dead cat – or anything – into one of our mass-produced facilities, there is a good chance it will come back as a pro-life freedom fighter.”

Already, churches aligned with Dr. Troubador’s project are urging their congregations to “throw away more food” to feed the aborted children being raised in dumpsters. This Sunday, Pastor Mel Frederickson addressed his megachurch congregation, saying, “Today is a day like none other, because today I can announce that every child ever aborted is going to be brought back to life by Saint Troubador! Through God’s Grace the leftovers of society, thrown out because of Satan’s planned parents, are going to eat on our leftovers. But thousands of babies, brought back to life in every county, town, and city means there are going to be a lot of needy, and the church needs to take them under our wing. Give more to the trash. It’s as simple as that.”

Corporate troughs like Burger King, McDonald’s and KFC have instituted strict “pro-waste” policies, insisting on permanent termination of any employee caught using expired food at home, or donating stale bread to soup kitchens. Representatives from Chic-Fil-A said they now throw away half of every food order, to save America’s godless unborn.

At a Chik-Fil-A in the Clarksville Mall, manager Strom Stormerson announced that every Sunday, his Chik-Fil-A franchise will be serving free chicken sandwiches, limit one per customer, but he hopes customers will chip in and buy at least two orders of filling, delicious waffle fries.

“The secular left who thinks the world owes them a hand-out finally has one,” Stormerson said. “Here’s your fuckin’ handout, faggots: How about a free chicken sandwich that some unappreciative high school kids will order – just so they can throw it out – and feed our blessed child army.”

New OsamaCoin cryptocurrency overtakes Bitcoin

The OsamaCoin is the world's fastest growing cryptocurrency designed for financing terror operations.
The OsamaCoin is the world’s fastest growing cryptocurrency designed for financing terror operations.

INERNET — The New OsamaCoin cryptocurrency, a digital commodity much like bitcoin, has reached a total market value of $10 trillion overnight as investors in Dubai learned of its existence through a viral buzzfeed blog post entitled OsamaCoins, the new cryptocurrency for funding global Islamic Terror.

Dr. Angmid H. Truhmed, of the Cairo Institute for Technology and also Muslim Brotherhood Computer Terrorist, designed the OsamaCoin, and said of it, “OsamaCoins are the world’s greatest answer to Christian and Jewish hegemony, which has for so long suppressed Sharia law. I have named the coin after the great financier of Jihad, Osama Bin Laden. Allah Akbar!”

OsamaCoin has gained traction in the often misunderstood human trafficking and black markets. The latest of these, Silk Road 4, openly features Islamic iconography on its home page. Khaled Ahmedineshan said he uses the OsamaCoin to convert USD acquired through the CIA into Egyptian fiat. “With just 36 of your dollars, I can purchase many brides,” Khaled said. “I am staging the stoning of my third wife this Sunday, to make room for a fourth.”

The US Government, too, has its hands in OsamaCoins — and for good reason. CIA Director John Brennan said financing secret wars has never been easier. “Before we knew about the OsamaCoin, for example, we had to pay operatives with actual U.S. dollars,” Brennan said. “On the books in the 1980s, that didn’t look so good. But now what we do is convert our plummeting currency into the new gold standard of underground commerce: the OsamaCoin. It’s what operatives expect to be paid in, and we’ve doubled our money on the investment already. That means twice as many secret wars.”

Legal Islamic goods can also be purchased with OsamaCoins on The Oasis, a shopping site where tens of thousands of Burkas, or Islamic veils for women, have already been sold. The Oasis also sells Persian Rugs, Hookahs, and Dokha — a technically legal version of tobacco that is so strong teens use it to get stoned. Iran also transacted its first sale of domestic oil to a foreign party, in violation of sanctions, thanks entirely to the clever use of OsamaCoin – establishing the cryptocurrency as a dual-purpose mission statement of economic freedom and political power.

Romney Campaign distributes “relief” to GOP offices, Defense Contractors

Romney appears in Norfolk Virginia, promising millions in funding to Defense Contractors and those who promise to vote Republican.

NORFOLK, VA. — Tuesday, Republican President Candidate Mitt Romney’s second impromptu “relief rally” gathered supplies specifically for naval defense contractors and members of the Republican Party affected by Hurricane Sandy.

Four-thousand-dollar cash handouts were disbursed to  naval defense contractors in Norfolk, including leaflets promising future federal grants for shipbuilding and arms construction. Party members in other swing states ravaged by Hurricane Sandy have also been given massive bonuses to deliver canned food and other survival supplies in their last leg of canvasing — but only for those who promise to vote Republican.

“The government can’t create jobs like the private defense industry can,” said the former Massachusetts governor, struggling to energize the base for the polls by November 6th, “but President Obama’s anti-security agenda is placing a stranglehold on the thousands of Virginians struggling to keep their businesses profitable. This disaster is an opportunity. The defense contractors of the Commonwealth of Virginia don’t have time to wait for President Obama’s big-government trickle-down economics.”

Arriving in sport utility vehicles bearing yellow support-our-troops bumper sticks, thousands of the nation’s premier naval armament designers and GOP members came to receive their government handouts. Fifty workers, recently laid off from Freeport, Illinois’ Sensata facility by Bain Capital and replaced by their new Chinese masters, were contracted to load the “precious cargo” of levonorgestrel, whey, “nonbrewed drinks” and bullion into the backs of their respective petrol-guzzling automotive powerhouses.

When servicemen and servicewomen, struggling to relieve themselves of the blight and destruction that Sandy wracked across the Eastern Seaboard, showed up with more modest Dodge Durangos, Former Governor Romney urged them to contact their congressmen for more immediate federal help.

“When big government shakes its head at us,” said Mr. Romney, his gray-freckled hair blown aloft from his temples by the wrath of God, “it’s important that private-sector Americans, the real job creators, bind together to provide a real system of welfare that won’t enable a systemic entitlement culture. Naval contractors of Virginia, brothers and sisters, we’ve got to work together to fight the failed disaster relief policies of this administration!”

The crowd — the men wearing NASCAR sweatshirts and sweatpants; the women bearing the same, only of stitched kittens with balls of yarn — cheered loudly in response.

Kristy Dietrich, a 27-year-old mother of five, expressed her gratitude to the Romney campaign, saying, “I want to thank John Sununu and everybody else in Boston who’s really taken a step out to provide us all of this venture capital. We thought we were going to have to hold off on that fishing trip in early December, but thanks to Mitt we know that we’ll be able to hold onto the family values that keep Americans together.” She added, “Why is it Colin Powell and the rest of them feel like it’s OK to vote for one of them, but when we do it it’s wrong or something? What is going on with this country?”

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, President Obama’s rightful place as commander-in-chief has been boldly and successfully challenged by Romney’s privately organized relief plan. This has thrown the very necessity of government aid during disaster into question. “Surely if Romney can execute such a masterful relief effort without holding office, there can’t be much reason for him to actually hold office,” said Democratic Strategist Chris Hayes of MSNBC’s “Up with Chris Hayes.”

Topiary Awaits Hearing as Speculation Mounts Hilariously

Ryan Cleary in Court
Uglyman Ryan Cleary exits the courtroom where lulz took place

Every tech nerd, geek and new owner of adult novelties are glued the their news feeds, all asking the same thing:
Will Topiary, hailing from the island of Yell, be a hot hipster or a nasty, ugly nerd like Ryan? Most likely, he will fall somewhere in between, and is likely a eunuch.

But we’re smarter than regular people, and we’re asking a different question. Ideas pour in from Lebal Drocer headquarters about how we can capitalize on the debacle as investigators close in on LulzSec leadership, reaching for the upper hierarchy, which @Alec_Empire reportedly hates.

Hands were wringing at the Chronicle office, painkillers swallowed, when cub reporter Nick Maccombs of the Chronicle.SU had an epiphany (acid trip) for profit. During a meeting with executives Maccombs released the deathgrip on penis and blurted out, without permission, “OMG GUYS LETS START MERCHANDISING TOPIARY PRODUCTS $$ Im having visions of bansai trees with monocles and tophats! well be fucking rich! Nigger-rich.”

Dolla dolla billz, y’all.

Lebal Drocer is allegated to have begun mass-production of Topiary merchandise including t-shirts, coffee mugs, posters, commerative chia pets and flatbrimmed caps. All proceeds will go into Lebal Drocer’s latest effort to offer smartphone apps to political prisoners which would allow them to continue the shared Twitter feeds of LulzSec hierarchy.

Lebal Drocer executives discuss the best approach to exploit Topiary's indictment while celebrating "bring-your-wives-to-work-day."
Lebal Drocer executives discuss the best approach to exploit Topiary's indictment while celebrating "Bring-Your-Wives-to-Work" Day.

“We hope this will keep the general populus dumb and sheep-like,” intimated Lebal Drocer spokesperson and transcendental man Raleigh Theodore Sakers.

“Also, cocks.”
-The intern

Media Mogul is reported as saying, “[Topiary] deserves to rot in jail. He once crashed a defunct old piratenpad we weren’t using but it pissed me off on principle. The Second Amendment, God and country.”

In  the end, friends thought Topiary’s addiction to online chess would be his downfall, but that was before he was outed by Ryan, lol. We get to see Topiary’s  face tomorrow. It is absolutely imperative that Chronicle.SU covers the proceedings.

“$10 he is thin, pale and walks with a limp.”
-Sabu

Too Strong for a Warlock?

Due to her love of pork chops, the heavily tattooed corpse of 27 year old singer/songwriter Amy Winehouse was not buried in the consecrated Muslim territory of Great Britain. Instead, her corpse was cremated late Monday evening, causing a level 7 INES accident. Great Britain is in a state of emergency and a twenty mile exclusion zone around the morgue will be in effect for the next five years.

Charlie Sheen was rushed to Cedar Sinai Medical Center after allegedly hijacking a police helicopter to “bang a few grams” of Amy Winehouse’s cremated remains. After the pilot passed out from the cloud of toxic gas, Sheen crash landed the helicopter near the morgue and crawled through the wreak to reach Winehouse’s ashes. Within moments of smearing his gums with her remains, Sheen stripped naked, spouted several quatrains from Nostradamus, and claimed all of civilization was a mere game of chess strategically played by a race of 16 foot big headed aliens.

Giorgio Tsoukalous has been the first scientist to back Sheen's ideas.

Moments later, Sheen’s eyes glazed over, a small amount of drool escaped the corner of his mouth, and he collapsed to the floor. A frantic call to the police was made by an employee at the morgue who was too busy screaming profanity to give his name. “Please [expletive] hurry! I’m [expletive] positive that this is either one of the [expletive] Olsen twins or Gary [expletive] Coleman. Holy mother of [expletive] I’m [expletive] out of my mind, man!”

Hazmat crews arrived with hermetically sealing plastic coffins, assuming they would find only dead bodies. However, after a hose-down, Sheen reached into his front pocket and took a quick snort of what he had saved of Winehouse and perked right up. Sheen ripped open a worker’s chemical suit and declared victory. “Winning!”

Peter King To Rescue Fear-Gripped Midwest From Shariah Law

Peter King
Peter King, Terrorist

WASHINGTON — Congressional defenders of the terrorist organization, People’s Mujahedin of Iran, continue to ensure a Middle East bereft of peace. After years and years of butthurt regarding the fundamentalist Islamic threat to Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kansas and Oklahoma New York Representative Peter King has finally harnessed the hate in such a way that he will one day be elected President of the World. In so-called “flyover country,” paranoia has reached a fever pitch with regards to the immediate and overwhelming threat that shariah law surely poses to America’s heartland. While Christianity remains the predominant opiate of the massive masses, each burkha seen in public raises rational fears of Taliban oppression in America’s heartland.

Phone hackers revealed negotiations between the People’s Mujahedin of Iran and Peter King, in which the exchange of child sex-slaves for weaponry was discussed. King has responded with alarmist accusations that phone hackers targeted the families of 9/11 victims in order to deflect personal scandal and protect his position of power.

We here at the Chronicle support fundamental biblical literalism when it comes from the mouth of a male-only Christian black-metal band. Unless delivered in that context, we don’t grasp that whole religion thing. The bipartisan congressional coalition is walking a dangerous wire over what is really quite reasonable State Department policy categorizing the MEK as a murderous terrorist organization. The congressional allies are desperately trying to ratchet up Iran’s internal violence, validating groups like the Basij, the Iranian religious police, famous for firing live ammunition into angry mobs during the recent Green Revolution of the educated, elite Tehranian youth.

MEK’s allies in congress are known supporters of terrorism. Peter King has been instrumental in official US support for terrorist groups, not only with respect to the MEK, but also the Irish Republican Army, whose victims he is too cowardly to directly confront.

If we here at the Chronicle could have our druthers, maybe we would ask that women spend the whole of their public lives inside tightly-sealed cloth bags. We really don’t know the solution to dealing with moral time travelers (seriously, like the 13th century or something) like the Taliban. But we’re pretty sure that offering comfort and encouragement to those who indiscriminately target civilians with violence is a surefire way to undermine message control with the Westboro Baptist Church’s southwest-Asian franchise.

The way to get the theocrats to simply chill is no, not to bomb them further back into the Stone Age – but to get them watching David Letterman – learning that maybe a few Jews weren’t sent a text message warning them to leave Tower 2. They must discover for themselves the joys of celebrity gossip and the evils of orange people with bleach blonde hair. And if you look quite closely at Iranian society, you’ll see that the proverbial sticks in the mud are aware of this. “Occidentalosis,” the multilingual call it there, like it was a highly-resistant bacterial infection. And it is!

Secretary of State Clinton has been very adamant in her denial of United States interference in the contested Iranian elections and the resulting turmoil. But other State Department officials have confirmed the use of spies during the protests, equipped with illegal satellite phone technology which fueled the propagation of dissident-associated media. We here at the Chronicle utterly loathe the Internet-censoring agenda of Iran and any state that attacks this fundamental human right. The diplomatic arm of our government has been talking out of both sides of its mouth, and one side of the mouth is drawn up as a result of a massive stroke known as WikiLeaks. Americans are coming to terms with the fact their government acts as the leather straps on the rape table, holding them down so mega-corporations can fuck them easier. And they can’t blame it on anyone but themselves anymore. Now they must simply admit, “I don’t care about the news ‘n all that stuff’s goin’ on.” Don’t expect that to get “Late Show” top-10 lists on TV anytime soon.

It never fails to amaze that fundies of different stripes are each other’s worst enemies, when really they seem to want the same basic underlying goals for society: Women out of the workplace and homosexuals closeted or dead – from Gay Related Immune Deficiency, of course, not dead because they fought in the Army. The only “serious” differences in fundie types are alterations in the underlying cartoon narrative of anthropology, familial histories, flying men and talking donkeys.

Seriously, I’m utterly bewildered that I get into serious conversations with moderately-educated adults that round out with their insistence that bread can be transformed into the flesh of Christ, which they desperately want to consume. Cocksuckers. How did such complete dishonesty become perversely confused with piety? How many licks does it take to get to the center of that Tootsie Pop? How many sips of wine before I get GRID from the blood of Jesus?

Anyone outside fundamentalist ideology is rendered completely unable to reason with the actual, practical consequences of these dogmatic narratives, and moreover the people with the most in common, the fundies, are left without the obligation of any pragmatic purpose behind their regressive policies. The truth is the fundies of all stripes deserve to be killed by one another, and maybe they would have joined forces if not for the utterly ridiculous excuse they have concocted for the most ethnically-segregated day of the week. In America, we all know which one it is.

Organized religion is probably the slickest, most effective ad campaign for racial separatism. Ever. Earlier this year, Public Policy Polling unveiled a disturbing 400-person survey of Mississippi Republican primary voters, and it turns out that a fantasically-nauseating 46 percent of the participants were willing to tell a complete stranger on the phone that they believe that interracial marriage should be illegal. And we’re not particularly convinced that polling the buckle of the Bible belt’s Democrats would end up much better. The point remains the same: Religiosity and racial separatism, a match made in hell.

Support for the MEK is just another brash fury that will prove exactly counterproductive to the stated goals of the ongoing U.S. excursions into the Middle East. It will further fan the flames through its insidious, tacit insistence that Islam, not terrorism, is the source of evil on Earth and the equivalent of Satanism. And if Islam is the problem, we’re pretty sure terrorism, per se, is the far, far bigger one. Surely, if MEK’s congressional allies understood the degree to which even these Iranian secularists desire the legacy of Islam to at least play a cultural role in their government — they’re called the “mujahedin,” for crying out loud — they would have nothing to do with them. It would be the wrong reason for disassociation but it at least would be a reason.

Check Back for in-depth interviews with top Lebal Drocer executives who will explain why it is not only better, but completely necessary to die by the millions in never-ending war than live for one day in boring, agonizing peace.

Murdoch Family Enslaves Cheetahs To Edit Truth Faster

News of the Chat of the News World

Chronicle.SU–NewsCorp’s premiere chat service, News of the Chat of the News World, functions by way of a high-speed underground network of rare Emperor Cheetahs, which are blocked for their usefulness by anti-cheetah hospital security systems everywhere.

Cheetah
Cheetahs fly through the network at the speed of sound, jaws agape, devouring packets you didn't even request, and ready to suck blood.

Expert analysis:

Years of warmongering, bloodthirstiness, Kahane-level Zionism and utter hatred of Arabs had not entirely divested Mr. Murdoch of his dealings with the Arab Cheetahs. Saudi money had acquired quite a bit of his Neocon twistiness, and finally the Arab Cheetahs were allowed over that tricky border between Egypt and Gaza — where nearby, on the Egyptian side, only, like, six people in a group are allowed to walk at a time — and into the D.C.-sized deathaplex they ruptured. Their lightweight tails smacked against the backs of their noble legs as they poured into the world’s largest prison camp, trails of saliva, like shoelaces, lapping against their forelegs.

-Tyler Bass

“It’s a lolfest if you don’t know what to expect before going down there,” reported freelance cheetah dealer Joe Bradley, 45. “Innocent people getting d0x3d left and right, cheetahs prancing around at high volume with hateful messages pinned to their shock collars, and they’re like, ‘What the fuck, I  should be in the savannah pouncing on the fucking river, drinking caribou and throttling gazelle, not running copyedits to and  fro. Fuck that wrinkled old prick!'”

Murdoch’s viewers have been internationally recognized to possess the lowest, basest possible understanding of the dynamics that created the Fox News — oops, I mean, the second Iraq War, the one following the harrowing, “courageous” embargo of the southwest Asian country that killed billions of innocent cheetahs. That country is known to us as North Korea.

Wearing Gacy-like clown makeup at time of press, Mr. Murdoch announced that it made complete sense that his average viewer possesses the cognitive/reality coherence that they would call “Osama bin Laden” “Saddam Hussein.” This is a result of mass-consumption of furry pornography.

I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”

Rupert Murdoch
NewsCorp

“I would never have imagined that people would have bought so much of my flag-fellating bullshit. Ever since Bush I was able to make that incubator-baby crap fly, I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”

“Good doggies do tricks,” added Mr. Murdoch, red food-coloring dye, as used by goth kids, running down opposite sides of his mouth along with saliva, red ink trailing into the white.

In spite of their rebellious demeanors, the cheetahs remain polite because should they resist, they will be put to death, skinned and crafted into spectacularly jewel-encrusted thongs for Murdoch to prance around in.

“They’re not outspoken about their plight but they should be,” said cheetah specialist Speedy McFeely of the Bristol Motor Speedway, Virginia and fucken redneck.

Adrian “Cheetah” Chen approached the Virginia physics expert and without asking permission bent him over and snorted a line of cocaine off the small of his back. With lips pursed, Adrian softly sucked his dick, which instead of semen, leaked the phone records of celebrities and d0x of LulzSec hackers.

One cheetah busted out the cocaine in front of reporters as Murdoch – who audibly gasped at the faux pas – pondered it a moment and opted instead to cup his genitals crying, “Not here, man. The cameras. Shit’s tainted with skin-rotting levamisole. You know what that does to my ballsack.”

Murdoch hatefully orders the reporters out of his hospital suite and defecates in his bed. The hateful troll-cheetah delivers Murdoch his percocets, and Murdoch takes out a small tray, a credit card and a rolled up tin-bob note.

“Who’s the pussy now, bitch?” roars Murdoch. “We’ve got to get these children off of Google+. It’s like a disease, man a fucking KID [emphasis added] disease. Delete the little fucker’s emails to his grandma, if that’s what it takes. They’re worthless, because they were written by a  CHILD [emphasis added].” Rupert Murdoch buries his face into the fur of a cocaine-dusted cheetah and insufflates a full breath of cocaine as it wanders idly by. His eyes then glaze over and turn a fiery red.

Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”

Rupert Murdoch

“Show me your MySpace before you go!” calls out Murdoch, half-erect and blind from cocaine. “Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”

To Mr. Murdoch, the cheetahs look like small children, ready for molestation. Murdoch passes out, drool glazing his wrinkled face.

 Media Mogul dreams of Yao Ming and his network of cheetahs. In his dreams, he snorts a line of crushed  percocets to kill the pain.

“Thank God it’s not that levamisole-tainted bullshit,” he remarks to the pool-boy, “and thank God it’s lab-produced morphine.

Krokodil gets the Cheetahs high, makes their dicks grow and nurtures their latent homosexual tendencies as a means of population control. They cook up various drugs in Murdoch’s Russian  apartment, and come out stinking of iodine. Murdoch reeks of Cheetah anus, the latent evidence of a recent shitler hitler still slightly noticable. It is grim, but oddly arousing to this reporter.

Cheetah Mogul, following his addiction to rare cheetahs

“I’m assembling a panel of premade emoticons to tell a story because I am  autistic,” Murdoch tells the press. “Ctrl+v for autism. Look only at mouths while communicating.”A new trend in communication is sweeping the Internet, churches and wi-fi cafés. “Create a rage comic if you want to propose to your husband or call out a  troll,” said Murdoch. “Create a rage comic while high on Krokodil, before taking a line of levamisol-tainted cocaine. My flesh is rotting away and all I can do  is read the next rage comic. Twitter has become my only outlet for  communication, after rage comics.”

Murdoch is visibly upset by this point and releases an odor resembling that of decomposing flesh. It is decomposing flesh. The cheetahs pull the plug on his life-support and he dies a slow painful death emitting a gurgling puddle of feces, writhing in a nightmarish hell, and being mercilessly ripped apart and taunted by his once loyal army of cheetahs.

 @ktrout word up to that #rotting

 @mogul yo dawg you got any #krokodil, I’m trying to get down

“Just looked at the first reddit post in a long while,” Murdoch mumbles to himself before documentary filmmakers overlapping with the Chronicle.SU doing coverage of the long-term effects of cheetah-addiction. He gently rolls the click-wheel of his mouse down a cat-lover furryboard gleefully tapping his foot and singing “im a little man, also evil, also in to cats”

“To avoid  downvotes, everyone prefaces their statements with an apology and an explanation of what their comment is not.” #fagreddit

This message brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Blenders

“Forgive me father, for I have blend!”

Will It Blend?
Bible Edition – By Adrian ForeSkin

Works Cited
By Barrett Brown

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/iub5k/the_official_death_of_the_rage_comic/

http://marymicrogram.blogspot.com/2011/07/skin-rotting-substance-found-in-us.html

http://sunpig.com/martin/archives/2011/07/03/google-made-my-son-cry.html

The story of Bullshit-Ass COPPA. Your kids aren’t that special, fucking rubes.

Sluthouse 5 by Jack Vonnegut

http://twitter.com/#!/Hatefiend/status/93729178310025216

http://i.imgur.com/fW7GC.png

https://twitter.com/#!/Slashleen