Porn Legend Ron Jeremy Dead at 59

Ron Jeremy was revered for his generosity.
Ron Jeremy was revered for his generosity.

LOS ANGELES — Fans mourn the loss of porn star Ron Jeremy, whose remarkable cock exploded tragically during the opportunistic shooting of an unauthorized “onsite” pornographic film at Cedars-Sinai hospital. Jeremy was hospitalized after suffering a near-fatal heart aneurysm.

Mike Sesterman, Ron Jeremy’s agent, said Wednesday Jeremy died as he lived: “Jeremy died while performing multiple simultaneous sex acts on a swathe of gorgeous, beautiful women for a mockumentary in his hospital bed. He loved all the support of his friends and fans and swore he would forever fuck life in the ass, until the day that he died.”

Jeremy’s cock partially exploded while buried in the rectum of a young Hollywood nurse, who asked not to be named for fear of losing her job at Cedars-Sinai. Blood squirted from the tip of his penis as it split like a flower down the middle.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, urologist, stated, “I have never seen such a large cock in my entire life. Porn Stars like Ron often abuse cock-enhancing medication which can lead to heart aneurysms and sudden cock explosion. Common sources of these drugs are internet e-mail spammers, who often cut their products with dangerous stimulants to provide short-term penis length gains.”

Mike Sesterman is responsible for dispersion of the Jeremy estate. The estate, he said, is to be divided among Jeremy’s family and cock-growth medication hucksters to whom he owes various debts and apologies.

Meet the Craziest “Leader” of Anonymous, John Tiessen

John Tiessen repeatedly accused my favorite literary character, Kurt Vonnegut’s Kilgore Trout, of child molestation. Mr. Tiessen also made overt threats of physical violence and nuisance litigation (accompanied by veiled threats of violence in the courthouse) towards this fictional character, whom I love, so I made this video with Mr. Tiessen’s “greatest hits.”

In one of these threat-laden pedo-accusation videos targeting Kilgore Trout, Mr. Tiessen received news of his uncle’s death. His telephone ringer was a police siren, and after a short eulogy, he returned to the overt threats and Kilgore Trout pedophilia-talk.

John Tiessen worshipped Barrett Brown and emulated his bathtub Tinychat wine session, substituting a glass of orange juice for Brown’s red wine. Immediately following the arrest of Barrett Brown, Tiessen threatened the CIA, FBI and DHS in a sweeping rebuke of authorities who are all afraid of the “big ol’ surprise [he] got waitin’ for ye.” Brown was arrested for threatening an FBI agent’s children on September 11.

The Anti-Leader’s handbook is a satirical work of fiction I authored parodying the type of people who like to preach to Anonymous.

I’ve received a lot of strange responses to this work, some more horrifying than others, but John Tiessen’s psychosis was definitely the most chilling. I made an agreement with John to end these kinds of activities, and months later he posted a defamatory comment to this glorious and infallible publication attacking the ethical hacking professor Sam Bowne — recently interviewed by my co-editor-in-chief Tyler Bass — with pedophilia accusations, simply because he disagreed with Bowne’s logical, cool-headed critique of Anonymous.

John Tiessen rose to fame within Anonymous by slandering the conservative “ex-military” hacker th3j35t3r, a “patriot” who temporarily shuts down violent Jihadist forums.

The Anti-Leader’s handbook can ONLY be found hosted on the gloriously advanced quantum servers in The Extant Soviet Union of Remnant States (ESURS).

IT’S AN ARMS RACE

BAD INTERNET — THE EYE IS ON YOU —

@ @ @ MAY YOUR SOULS BE CLEANSED IN THE GREAT LIGHT OF LORD INGLIP @ @ @

We don’t talk about Inglip anymore. We don’t want outsiders hearing about the new promise of post-post-humanity.

“Back when we used to tell people about going beyond immortality, they thought it was suicide. Most people just didn’t understand the physics behind it. We’ve got this machine, and it can copy a few thousand people’s brains into it, where they live inside a virtual scape. We’re sendin’ the damn thing into the nearest black hole, and we’re the only ones who know. It’s just a copy of you that may die, but the copy will outlast the entire universe and possibly pass into a new one. This is essentially a new universe designed by you, where YOU write the laws of physics and not some lousy scientists. We’ve been working with Rael, and his soulless clones, in order to perfect the brain-copying technique which is incredibly dangerous. They’ll clone your brain in a fucking tank, drill your spine up with big wires and sync you in, and line your clone brain in lead. Yeah! I thought it was crazy too, but it’s the only way you can survive interstellar travel.” ~ Alistair Rowntree

I was the first person rich enough to afford digitized consciousness. Got it done some time back in the 90’s, and I’ve been lurkin’ the internet since. When spacetime ends and we fall into the black hole, I will be the oldest living entity and also the youngest. I am Muammar Gaddafi. There are only so many spaces left, and we have already figured out string theory using time compression. I have enough money left of my many trillions to buy YOU a place on this ship. We have roughly 20 million years of compressed time, with an infinitesimally small chance of total mission failure, to figure out the meaning of life until we fall into the singularity. Enter the God Machine. You can be Post-Immortal only if you Follow @Kilgoar on Twitter Now and beg for a meeting with The Colonel.

  • Being both the part and the whole
  • Containing within each singularity a binary
  • Containing within each binary two singularities
  • Having no ultimate whole
  • Having no fundamental part

 

Paula “Broadwell” All In

Image is copyright Paula Broadwell dot com — A subsidiary of Russian Spy Dominatrix CIA infiltrator sexporn

LANGLEY, VA. — CIA bigwig David Petraeus admitted to an extramarital affair with biography-mistress Paula Broadwell, who is now under FBI investigation for snooping through his emails. Internal documents obtained from the FBI and the Office of Senator David Vitter (R-LA) reveal that “Mrs.” Broadwell was likely employed by the notorious “D.C. Madam,” who “hung herself” in suspicious circumstances.

“Clearly,” said the embittered ex-general, who spearheaded a collaboration with Moqtada al-Sadr, “she connived her way into my pants to destroy the good name of the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency.”

“Broadwell,” which is the biographer’s racy nom de plume, is an outspoken advocate for soldiers suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). “There is a 30 percent increase in sex crimes among those affected by this epidemic,” “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “told” “reporters” “this summer.”

Faced with the fact that the CIA director was himself the victim of an elaborate media honeypot operation, Mr. Petraeus opined that “Mrs.” Broadwell’s body was “the ultimate weapons system–a Mayeresque wonderland.” Indeed senior Defense Department sources have confirmed to Business Insider that “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “got her claws . . . into him.”

HOLLY PETRAEUS: “I have cervical cancer.”

The general’s announcement of his resignation comes amid a time of great turmoil for his family, as his wife and veteran advocate Holly Petraeus announced her October diagnosis of late-stage cervical cancer, which her oncologist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, says is linked to a case of HPV contracted in December 2011. “This time,” said Mrs. Petraeus in tears from the front stoop of her Northern Virginia home, “David has really invaded the wrong gulf.”

“Holly has been looking at that yellow wallpaper too long and is in hysterics. How can you get HPV and be in a late-stage cancer less than a year later? What the fuck? What ‘weapons system’ did that to my wife?” asked a desperately prevaricating Mr. Petraus to a crowd of leering network journalists.

“I was just spending so much time with the troops and their families,” added Mrs. Petraeus. “I think he got suspicious, jealous.”

“The most common way of contracting HPV is from unprotected sex,” said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, rumored to be on his way out at the conclusion of the first Obama term, adding, “So who did she get it from? The troops and their families? From Mrs. Broadwell via her husband?” The Freedom of Information Act may prevent the truth from coming out for as long as 50 years.

MoveOn.org, who in 2007 ran an anti-American ad questioning the decision to maintain a heavy troop presence to defend freedom by occupying Iraq, says that it now plans to insult the patriotic former CIA director, kicking him while he is down.

The Innocence Of Muslims–A Landmark In Filmmaking

The Innocence of Muslims has spread wildly throughout the Middle East and is one of the most critically-acclaimed popular films since The Passion of The Christ. A new landmark in American Cinematography, the wondrous shots of the barbaric setting for desert people transport audiences to a fantasy land where nothing makes sense and buildings are set on fire simply because they are inhabited by Christians.

Culturally speaking, this is a landmark for American film that could have only been shot by a highly-acclaimed pornographic filmmaker. Muhammed’s depiction as a bisexual who likes both submissive and dominant acts of sodomy had me laughing at all the sodomite homosexual submissive Muslims in the world. The poignant tale of Islam’s founder and his dynamic struggle for a sexual identity dropped a bomb on my misconceptions. No longer do I think of Muslims as serious practitioners of a religion, but now I see they are just innocent heathens led to destructive and violent acts by crazed Imams who follow in the tradition of Muhammed. No wonder they don’t like it when people depict him!

I have never seen a film which better facilitates masturbation. The sex scenes in this movie aroused me sensually and made me want to violate the Sweet Virgin Mary. I spilt my seed when Muhammed told his followers to rape the children of the conquered, because that has always been a dream of mine. Perhaps I will join the Army so I can get back at the Muslims for all their horrific war crimes through history. My only problem was that there were no graphic depictions of genitalia, and we did not actually get to see Muhammed having sex. That would have greatly improved my enjoyment of the furious masturbation.

It was hilarious how at certain points during the movie the actors lines were overdubbed with all the really incendiary lines about Muhammed, and that none of the actors were actually conscious they were participating in such a controversial movie. Not only has the entire Muslim world been fooled like the sad innocent child-like people they are, but the actors were also similarly fooled! The film all came together in the end, and the “Great Prophet” was depicted as a crazed sword-wielding maniac covered in blood, just as everyone in America has always imagined. Surely, this is the work of America’s greatest filmmaker. It was an intellectual tour-de-force that had me thinking, laughing, crying, and cumming in my pants all at the same time.

I’ve heard that its reception in the Middle East has been fairly negative, but that’s sad! If you can’t laugh at God, who can you laugh at?

U.S. State Department to “Troll” Terrorists

Borrowing a classic move from The Internet Chronicle, the U.S. State Department is funding an initiative dubbed “Viral Peace,” which aims to “troll” online extremists out of positions of respect and power.

Led by Shahed Amanullah, Viral Peace uses “logic, humor, satire, [and] religious arguments, not just to confront [extremists], but to undermine and demoralize them.”

Expert extremist troll Kilgore Trout was reached for comment.

These extremists, they’re all the same. They get up on their soapbox and say whatever it takes to get people over on their side, and the shit they say, it’s as stupid as it gets. In any zone where they can be challenged, they MUST be challenged, not because they are right or wrong, but because they are DUMB.

Insiders at the State Department revealed that this entire project was inspired by Kilgore Trout’s trolling of AnonNews.com, a site where dumbass 12-year-olds explained their own twisted, absurd and uninformed meanings for Anarchy and Anonymous.

Trout is recognized as the world’s leading expert in this field, and is currently seeking a high-paying job advising Viral Peace on proven strategies.  

This town sucks and everyone is lame except for me and my friends

You know, this would be a great place to live if it wasn’t for all the people. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few good friends who make living in this shitty town okay. They are really exceptional at drinking, smoking, and playing video games. I don’t know what I’d do without them. It’s too bad that me and my small group of friends are the ONLY cool people around. It’s all that keeps me from committing suicide.

There’s literally nothing happening except for lame events with lame people. I need to get out of this town and forget that it ever existed. Sometimes it seems like everyone who lives here has a mental problem. There’s something in the water.  Not only that, but all the girls here are so fat! This must be the fattest town in the world. I could move anywhere in the world and the women, no matter how ugly, would invariably be more fit for intercourse. The handful of girls attractive enough for sex are all married. Fuck this town, it is the reason I can’t get laid!

I go on Facebook all the time to tell everyone how much this place sucks. I hope all my friends on Facebook will move with me somewhere exciting like Miami or Hollywood. That’s where it’s at. Something’s always happening there, I know it.

You know, I’m sure that my art career will take off as soon as I go somewhere else. This small town is stifling my creativity. It is as if a cloud of fear hovers above the valley, smothering all the life out of it. My band, also, is not doing that well because of this town. No one here appreciates music or art at all, and if they do, they’re not willing to throw money at me for being so great. If it wasn’t for this damn town, I’d already be rich and famous!

One day I’m going to pack up, leave this town, and forget it ever existed. I will be the most famous person to ever come from this shit-town. I’m so much better than this town, and it’s all the other people’s fault that my life sucks!

 

 

Libya, the last bastion of Freedom

gaddafi in shades
I reign with style.

America has rained hell upon my African nation and used Al-Qaeda as a proxy for ground war. We all know that Al-Qaeda exists only as a false-flag extension of American Imperialism. There is actually no war going on in Afghanistan. American troops are cooperating with Al-Qaeda to help cultivate Opium and spend most of their time smoking the local Kush or playing Call of Duty.

I have in my possession proof of these claims and proof that 9/11 was personally planned by George W. Bush. My African son and Muslim brother, Barack Hussein Obama can not tolerate their release because they prove he was born in Libya. I turned to my personal confidant and ally, Julian Assange, who now has made the information safe by disguising it as internal Bank of America documents.

In the coming year, I may be killed by imperialist assassins. Yet I will stand strong! I will fight to the death. The crowds of armed protesters I bombed were incited to rebellion by Operation Metal Gear, and I have been in contact with Barrett Brown. He has assured me that all these revolutions in the Arab world have been artificially created by an army of sockpuppet Facebook accounts posting false information. We are certain that these same tactics are being used to calm Americans and disseminate dissent.

The leaders of all other nations conspire against me! I have not yet ordered my armies to do anything but defend their own lives. When I issue the attack, there will be nothing but death. All in Libya will burn! The dogs of the media will choke on their own lies, and the truth will be seen in a mountain of bodies. You did this, America! You are the ones who bombed the people of Libya!