Syrian Liberation Looming, Commerce Dept.: Streaming Al Jazeera English a ‘Felony’

Domestic Extremists: Al Jazeera America's Coverage is Covering up the Truth about Syria

Domestic Extremists: Al Jazeera America’s Coverage is Covering up the Truth about Syria

WASHINGTON – As a full-scale NATO offensive against Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad looms, the Obama administration’s Commerce Department is ensuring that Americans have full access to accurate information about the upcoming struggle. Commerce Secretary Penny Pritzker said Tuesday that any Americans attempting to Web-stream Al Jazeera English, as opposed to Al Jazeera America, would face felony charges.

In an on-the-record teleconference Tuesday Sec. Penny Pritzker said, “Al Jazeera America is the go-to source for Americans interested in news about the conflict. In a time of war, it’s time for Americans to unify around one story and one nation.”

State Public Affairs Undersecretary Tara Sonenshine joined Sec. Pritzker on the call, and added what she described as “much-needed” context to State Secretary Hillary Clinton’s Spring 2011 advisement that Al Jazeera English had proven the “real news.”

It was then, in the midst of the Arab spring, that Sec. Clinton said, “Al Jazeera has been the leader in … literally changing people’s minds and attitudes” and that it had been “really effective.”

Ms. Sonenshine addressed complaints by disloyal Al Jazeera staff, published in Lebanon’s Al Akhbar, that Al Jazeera had become oblivious to suffering allegedly caused at the hands of the Free Syrian Army’s freedom fighters.

Screenshot: Al Jazeera English, Inappropriate for Americans

Screenshot: Al Jazeera English, Inappropriate for Americans

Ms Sec. Sonenshine said, “Unfortunately, frivolous public statements by violators of NDAs [nondisclosure agreements] have compromised what remains an interest in global awareness and the free flow of information.”

The high-level officials’ comments echo a Commerce Department position articulated last month. A department Green Paper made clear the administration’s position that Congress should “enact legislation adopting the same range of penalties for criminal streaming of copyrighted works as now exists for criminal reproduction and distribution.” As the liberation of Syria has become more certain, Congress has acted to ensure that violators of intellectual property rights are delivered justice.

“Would-be offenders,” said Ms. Sonenshine, “should understand our commitment to protecting the innovation of all of our global partners, including Al Jazeera America. I want the international community to understand we take our IP [intellectual property] obligations as seriously as ever.”

Al Jazeera provided what the state secretary regarded as “cutting-edge” coverage of the Arab Spring. Since then, the Qatar-based news service has launched a new channel, Al Jazeera America, tailored especially to the interests and – said Undersecretary Sonenshine – self-interests of middle-class Americans.

Sec. Pritzer cited her concern that citizens might become “confused” about the United States’ and al-Qaeda’s new, mutual front against the barbarism of the Assad regime. Al-Qaeda, a Salafist and Wahhabist group slandered throughout the Gulf, is now on the front lines against the Syrian evildoers.

“While Americans have every right to feel misgivings over al-Qaeda’s role in perpetrating the 9/11 attacks,” said Sec. Pritzker, “it is far more important, for national security, for them to now remember the plight of Syrians suffering from the Assad regime’s morally obscene deployment of weapons of mass destruction.” Added Pritzer, “The agenda of freedom in the Middle East is larger than any given sect or clique. We can’t kowtow to domestic extremists bent on enforcing their grudges on the rest of civil society.”

Al-Assad ‘Not So Stupid’ As To Use Chemical Weapons: Kurdish Leader

Obama Commands Missile Strike Anyway

Bashar al-Assad wishes people could afford shoes in order to know what it's like to walk a mile in his.

DAMASCUS, Syria – Syrian President Bashar al-Assad – in Iran right now, presumably waiting for his country to collapse – would not have been “so stupid” as to deploy chemical weapons near Damascus, said Saleh Muslim, head of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD).

Secretary of State John Kerry said Tuesday, “Anyone who can claim that an attack of this staggering scale could be contrived or fabricated needs to check their conscience and their own moral compass.”

The facts are that the United States has no proof, no need to attack, and certainly no need for advice on the direction of our moral compass from a career politician.

It has grown increasingly clear the chemical attack on rebels was a false-flag meant to trigger international outrage. Al Assad studied medicine in the West, surfs the Internet and knows a chemical weapons attack is the golden ticket to losing his seat in power. So why would he do it?

Chances are, Assad didn’t suddenly come to the realization that having all this power, wealth and fame totally sucks ass and decide to commit suicide. He’s already been briefed on hegemonic stability theory and patterns of conflict. So instead of using chemical weapons before now, he ordered regime forces to encircle the rebels before attacking so that none could retreat. This has caused rebel leaders to scurry like rats for the highest ground, beheading each other for control over shrinking turf.

So does Assad need gas attacks? Does he want them? All evidence suggests he’s been doing just fine up until now. Even the Taliban actively discourages its members from joining this Jihad, with recent historical knowledge to predict how U.S.-trained forces later serve U.S. hegemony and ultimate destruction. Eventually, some forces may, in the name of justice for humanitarian abuses, cultural decimation, or whatever, eventually attack the United States in a terrorist bombing, but that only serves to justify our continued actions.

Americans hold onto their butts in anticipation of Barack Hussein Obama’s husk of hope and change ordering military strikes on Syria, and Assad’s days are numbered as the world looks to Turkey and the confrontation makes its way, once again, to Putin’s doorstep.

“Gravity Bong” Explodes Mans Lungs

BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.

Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”

A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.

When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”

The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.

Canadian PM Against Human Trafficking Totally Looks Like The Human Trafficking Type

Stephen Harper has that look on his face |

Canada’s ultra conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, bears the resemblance of your typical sexual predator.

His wavy, artificial, parted hair shell – his coy, lazy smile and sloppy gaze, and his unbuttoned shirt and dad-glasses don Harper with the unassuming appearance of an aloof summer camp counselor, youth group coordinator, or varsity league football coach.

Regular sexual intercourse with young boys on the ‘whore boats’ of Lake Superior gives a man that uncanny glow, which Mr. Harper seems to shine everywhere he goes.

Harper, who stated that his government is “firmly committed” to combating human trafficking, was probably referring to the firmness of his dick for aboriginal prostitutes who, because of their marginalized positions in society, are offered no real protections from exploitation, but instead are issued politically convenient promises.

Oftentimes these people who are most against prostitution are the worst offenders.

Tyler Bass, Chief Executive

Many First Nations women, children and even babies are trafficked throughout Canada by the Harper regime under the umbrella of their own “protection,” similar to the Bosnian girls being trafficked out of their own nation into Europe and Russia by the UN peacekeeping forces designated to protect them specifically from that behavior.

Sometimes women are even trafficked across Lake Superior into the United States, author Dave Dean tells us. But mostly the Harper-sanctioned trafficking occurs within Canada, where his tyranny reigns unchecked through the alteration of federal documents.

“Oftentimes these people – typically they’re these hyperconservative types – who are most against [prostitution] are the worst offenders,” said Tyler Bass, Chief of the The Internet Chronicle’s Washington, D.C. bureau. “Like Republican Senator Larry Craig, for example: Craig of course was the outspoken anti-gay politician who was caught soliciting sex from strangers in an airport men’s room. You see this all the time in politicians.”

The Harper scandal is only just beginning to unfold, so monitor hashtag #harperscandal and stay tuned to The Internet Chronicle for the latest sensational headlines and more, brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This broadcast issued graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We Own Capital.™

Illuminati No Longer A Conspiracy Theory

The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.

The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.

LONDON — Reporters met with the anonymous Grandmaster and ranking 33rd degree member of the Illuminati, who stepped out of the shadows to accept responsibility for 9/11. The Grandmaster told Internet Chronicle Reporters, “9/11 was supposed to convince the world once and for all that religion is not the way to a better world. Our insiders at the CIA staged it all, and reports of agents meeting with and paying off Osama Bin Laden are true.”

The Grandmaster continued, “The Illuminati is losing the symbol war for the first time since the Renaissance. Humanism is now on the decline, and this change was marked by the Seagull which landed when the new pope was elected as well as the mystical experience which directed Pope Benedict to step down. Soon, humanity will enter another bloody age of Faith, and Pope Francis will rehabilitate the Church’s power of influence.”

Dr. Troubador, a critic of Humanism, responded, saying, “When people started treating other people as dead matter and objects of study, that’s when you saw the rise of things like prisons and insane asylums. Now every school and workplace is equivalent to a prison. A meaningless life like that is worth a hill of beans to its owner, and people tend to become replaceable parts in heartless machines. The so-called middle-ages have a bad reputation. In fact, they’re only looked at negatively because of Illuminati slanders which began in the Renaissance.”

Troubador continued to explain, “Banking elites, having fallen for the Humanist notion engendered by the Illuminati, believe that growth is something that can only be quantified with numbers. Having no understanding of their own qualitative lives, they have arranged things so that homogeneous, superficial, and hollow culture has widely proliferated. This is perhaps reflected best by the food, which has become monstrous through genetic modification while at the same time containing less nutrients. However, it seems the market has now recognized this in a small degree, and consumers are taking any escape they can from the sterility of Humanism.”

Resolute, the Grandmaster of the Illuminati declared, “Perhaps we pushed Humanism too far. Our designs were too good and undid themselves. It may be another thousand years before we once more control the world of Art, but for now it is in the hands of the church. We will harry each new religion that springs up in this fertile environment and stamp each into the ground. We will continue to stage large-scale attacks like 9/11 to pit religions against one another. We will stage Arab Spring after Arab Spring, if that’s what it takes, but one day all Religions will finally be Annihilated.”

President Obama Pardons Chelsea Manning

WASHINGTON, DC — Today in a landmark victory for the LGBT community, President Barack Obama issued an official presidential pardon for whistleblower Bradley Manning. Manning has officially come out as transgendered and chosen to go by the name “Chelsea,” an obvious nod to former president Bill Clinton’s lesbian daughter. The pardon comes in the midst of a bitter power struggle between the USA and USSR, both attempting to explore outer space. Russia recently granted NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden asylum and passed an anti-gay law, causing many people worldwide to boycott the Olympics and start cryptoparties. These events are absolutely nuclear in nature and indicative of a cold war fought purely with wedge issues.

As gay bars around the world pour Stoli vodka down the drain in protest to the USSR’s violently homophobic legislation, the United States has decided to take the high road as usual. In their perpetual war for freedom, President Obama preyed upon the LGBT angle, landing a right hook directly to the USSR’s face by pardoning the transgendered whistleblower for having the courage to come out of the closet. “We are people who declared that we are all created equal,” Obama said in a written statement, “and the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”

Liberals applauded the presidents courage, likening it to that of Harvey Milk’s. Conservatives, while taken aback that Obama would pardon a traitorous fag, were fine with the decision, considering they didn’t have to pay for Chelsea’s hormone replacement therapy and sex change while she would be incarcerated in the tax payer funded prison system. However, Obama insinuated he would make sure it easy for Chelsea to “reach his goals.”

Meanwhile, at the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin has reportedly pardoned the female punk rock band “Pussy Riot” in retaliation, for some reason.

Snowden Dead of ‘Apparent Suicide’

Edward Snowden

Some people might say Snowden was a hero. Not us, however. We hated Snowden.

Russian authorities say Edward Snowden was found dead in his hotel room Monday. The apparent cause of death according to US officials is suicide.

Edward Snowden became a global name in July following his controversial disclosure of top secret government documents confirming the supposed existence of a global surveillance program, PRISM, XKeyScore and other revelations surrounding the details of chemtrails and HAARP, the weather control facility recently discontinued by the United States as an apology to the Native American Indians.

Rumors of Snowden’s murder have already begun to circulate through Twitter and Facebook, although there is still no consensus around who to blame. Many patriotic Americans have already begun celebrating Snowden’s death by firing rifles and handguns into the woods behind their homes. The Socialist minority, however, staged a midnight vigil at the lawn under the Washington Monument.

Snowden’s death comes on the heels of an announcement by US President Barack Hussein Obama that the 2011 PATRIOT ACT is being dialed back, along with programs by the NSA and DARPA.

Obama made no promises to discontinue the global collection and analysis of Internet traffic, but said he did not consider Snowden a “patriot.”

Snowden Reveals Second Shooter in Zimmerman Case

NSA Slide showing irrefutable proof that there was a second shooter in the Trayvon Martin shooting.

NSA Slide showing irrefutable proof that there was a second shooter in the Trayvon Martin shooting.

SANFORD, Fla. – In possibly one of the most riveting and important events of our lifetime, a man known as George Zimmerman is caught in the middle of a racial divide that once never existed in our great country. Zimmerman is charged with committing second-degree murder and manslaughter, and as the jury is in deliberation, Snowden drops the bomb on what actually happened to young Trayvon Martin that one terrible night.

Snowden, a devout conservative and Ron Paul supporter, took to his Moscow Airport podium earlier today to give the world a treat. The treat of truth and justice. Snowden explained – using a series of PowerPoint slides – that there was, in fact, a second shooter that took Trayvon to his grave.

Trayvon, according to Snowden, was actually a part of the Cyber Command/Lockheed Martin censorship regime violating Americans’ constitutional rights, covering up cell tower electromagnetic weapon assaults on citizens. He goes further to even call Trayvon a “lame psy-op, perpetrating the worst social manipulation and mind-control games in the history of the United States.”

It is Snowden’s belief that Trayvon was put down for trying to “get out of the game.” From what we can see from one of Snowden’s slides, he offers irrefutable proof that George Zimmerman is completely innocent on all counts.

This bombshell of a leak comes at a very critical time in the Zimmerman trial, as now the jury must find Zimmerman not guilty.

NSA Whistleblower Ed Snowden: Saddam Hussein did WTC 7

Ed Snowden revealed former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein perpetrated the attack on World Trade Center 7. (File Photo)

Ed Snowden revealed former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein perpetrated the attack on World Trade Center 7. (File Photo)

MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden has revealed Iraqi President Saddam Hussein gave the order for the controlled demolition of World Trade Center 7 on September 11, 2001. Able to access the electronic communications of anyone, the elite hacker-fugitive is changing the very shape of history by leaking 9/11 truth.

For years before 9/11, Hussein had been plotting an attack on the World Trade Center site. According to documents released Saturday by Snowden, Hussein was unaware that the al-Qaeda terrorist organization had been plotting a parallel, and much more ambitious, attack of its own. On the morning of 9/11, once he noticed the success of bin Laden’s attack, Hussein quickly gave the go-ahead for his own military strike, even though it was originally planned for a date weeks later.

Snowden shared internal emails between the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST). The emails discuss how the Iraqi Republican Guard broke into WTC 7 in August 2001. Then the elite Iraqi unit, who swore allegiance directly to the Iraqi dictator, proceeded to plant hundreds of pounds of conventional explosives, in addition to a highly reactive compound called “nano-thermite,” on the building’s superstructure.

Hundreds of pages of correspondence by senior Bush administration officials, which Snowden has provided, indicate that NIST was little more than the government’s propaganda arm. Former Vice President Cheney ordered NIST to cover up the truth about 9/11, he wrote in December 2001, “even if it means making it look like we did it.”

NIST and the CIA appear to have had knowledge of Hussein’s hand from as early as November 2001.

“Orders came down to NIST to put a clamp-down on their discovery of Iraq-linked nano-thermite in the molten-hot debris,” said Snowden. He added, “It’s basically the same thing they do all the time to the global warming studies on behalf of the oil companies.”

While most  Americans understand the terrorists who guided the ill-fated planes that day to have been Saudi Arabian, Egyptian, Lebanese and Emiratee, Snowden’s revelation that the Iraq War was not waged simply to seize Iraqis’ oil is likely to surprise many.

“It wasn’t just about the genocidal machinations of Christian crusader Zionists,” said Snowden in his suite at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel. “In order to help the [Federal Bureau of Investigation] save some face, [former National Security Adviser Condoleezza] Rice and Cheney decided  that a slip-up of that magnitude would lead to the firing of too many political appointees. So they squelched the story. Their cronies in the criminal mainstream media played along, or” – Snowden made a “double tap” gesture of firing a gun into the brain and the heart.

Those assassinations, he said, happened “whenever somebody got ‘too close to the sun,’ as White House officials called it in code. Often that necessitated their taking drastic steps – the persecutions of [9/11 scholar] Chris Bollyn and [9/11 journalist] Amy Goodman, the assassinations of [9/11 scholar] Phillip Marshall and [9/11 whistleblower] Barry Jennings, you name it.”

Angstrom Troubador, associate professor at Columbia University’s School of International and Public Affairs, expressed shock and dismay at Snowden’s having definitively revealed the truth about 9/11. Said Troubador by phone, “There’s a saying in the Beltway: ‘You’re nobody in this town if you haven’t apologized for supporting the Iraq War.’ But knowing that Saddam Hussein did WTC 7 will lead to some major shake-ups and axeings at [the Council on Foreign Relations] and the rest of the think-tank crowd.”

“To think,” added Troubador, “that the conventional wisdom – that Bush’s answers about Hussein’s role in 9/11 were cryptic or criminally deceitful – is now torn asunder. The reality is Bush was like a vigilant, better-knowing father.”

Confidentiality agreements with Snowden stipulate that much of the fugitive’s documentation of the Hussein-World Trade Center 7 connection cannot be released until after he receives successful asylum.

Snowden Omniscience Baffles World

Of all Americans who know how to read [roughly 60 percent], no one is as well-informed as Edward Snowden.

Edward Snowden accesses sensitive files using a mind-computer interface. It would suck to be blind right now, because this picture looks pretty cool.

Edward Snowden accesses sensitive files using a mind-computer interface.


If CHRONICLE reports are anything to go by – which they most certainly are – then vigilante Messiah Edward Snowden is the best-informed individual on planet Earth, exposing Mayan calendar prophecy, UFOs, HAARP, chemtrails, and many more conspiracies including, but not limited to, a draconian world surveillance program by the NSA.

Snowden even accurately predicted how his messianic appearance would be received by American mainstream media, so he insisted that prophet Greenwald reveal his image on two separate occasions. Snowden’s first appearance heralded great reminders of previous reports on NSA surveillance and repackaged them in a way most Americans could understand: Your government is spying on YOU. His second appearance recanted evidence brought forth in the first, and reminded listeners he is not an information terrorist, but a concerned citizen who loves and adores all his intelligent Twitter followers.

American citizens being spied on all across the 50 states are dumbfounded by Snowden’s revelations, and trust him completely to lead us into a new era of governmental retreat from their personal lives, friendships, emails and dick pics. Some don’t care. Others trust the government not to abuse its power, even in instances where they could totally get away with it, and nobody would mind.

“It’s just crazy how our government spies on us, but how else are you going to catch the terrorists? I’ve got nothing to hide. Well–nothing major,” said Roanoke resident, restaurant owner, and incest enthusiast Jon Puzo.

Snowden is expected to be black bagged during his flight to Venezuela, only to re-emerge years later before the Supreme Court on charges of a 100-year-old espionage law written as a response to the telephone.