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World

Lebal Drocer, Inc. promises to stop whipping slaves in factories by 2024

DHAKA, Bangladesh — Atop a smelly pit, where tired women toil within dangerous textile machinery, armed foremen in mirror-visored helmets patrol a catwalk, overlooking the commotion and mire. All are contracted by the equally faceless conglomerate Lebal Drocer International.

Abortion by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
An uncomfortable chat between staff and management.

It is a normal Wednesday on the South Asian Padma Delta, which fell under corporate control at the height of the pandemic this summer. Now, more than ever, workers are endangered as the rigid, socially conservative, and brutally enforced edicts of Lebal Drocer threaten to choke the region.

Lebal Drocer associates are forced, unpaid, and punished for quitting.

Enabled by the supremacy of corporate philosophy, physical and sexual abuse in Lebal Drocer properties runs rampant, ranging from bamboo canings in Bangladeshi clothing factories, to cutting off hands, and inappropriate goosing among executive officers.

In an about-face of policy, however, the company’s CEO and spokesman, Raleigh Sakers, said during a book-signing tour that he aims to eradicate the corporal punishment of international slaves under his control by the year 2024.

Source: lebal-drocer.com

Raleigh T. Sakers

A face for the faceless

“I guess it was white boy summer, after all.”

“We like to create a culture that keeps people healthy and safe,” Sakers said, “so managers often work in uncomfortably close quarters with their slaves.”

Sakers says the poor are there to be used and, if needed, abused in the pursuit of his own murky ambitions.

“I still think of them as peons, even today,” Sakers said, “because they’re the people I pee on. Pretty easy to remember.”

Meanwhile, in America

It’s no quadruple venti latte back home, either. Workers are forced to wear diapers to keep up with robots, the robots are setting drinks on our nice hardwood furniture, and podcasts do not last an entire work day.

Although emerging political leaders like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez support unionizing as a solution to corporate tyranny, and left-wing publications like Jacobin promote it, the abundance of material effort required to unionize has been placed on the backs of the tired, underpaid, and presently consumed laborers currently “employed” by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Everyone who's not too busy agrees with Bhaskar Sunkara on the issues.
Everyone who’s not too busy agrees with Bhaskar Sunkara on the issues.

Bhaskar Sunkara is the founding editor and publisher of Jacobin. While avoiding eye contact with Internet Chronicle in the otherwise empty office overlooking Dumbo, Sunkara said the left works hard, but maybe not hard enough to preserve their right to work.

“They were at work when we came up with the idea,” Sunkara said, “but we thought it would be great if they stood up to their tyrannical bosses and unionized.”

Dismissing several iPhone notifications, Sunkara looked up for a moment.

“Hey…could you tell them for me?”

There has been no word yet as to how Lebal Drocer plans to implement anti-whipping measures in overseas factories, but sources inside the company say they have issued new guidelines restricting the misuse of the cat-o-nine-tails, washing mouths out with soap, and the word tarnation.

Categories
World

INTERNET SENSATION CHRIS-CHAN FOUND DEAD IN HENRICO COUNTY JAIL CELL AFTER APPARENT SUICIDE

Chris Chan died of an apparent suicide, Saturday, after being placed in a misgendered jail cell.

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Christine Weston Chandler AKA “Chris-Chan,” after she was found dead in a Henrico County jail cell from an apparent suicide. Chris Chan was misgendered and placed in the male section of the jail by the prison staff.

Chris-Chan rose to fame after creating Sonichu, a character which is a combination of video game icons Pikachu and Sonic.

Fans held a vigil outside of Chris-Chan’s residence in “CWCville.”

Frederika Dumont told reporters, “I am one hundred percent on this: They Epstein’d CPU Blueheart Sonichu [Chris-Chan] to prevent the dimensional merge. It was almost here but now the herald has been assassinated. We mourn not only for CPU Blueheart, but for the failure of the dimensional merger. Chris-Chan will live on, on the other side, inside of Sonichu’s immortal body.”

Followers of Chris-Chan considered the former body of Chris-Chan to be inhabited by a feminine manifestation of “Sonichu” known as CPU Blueheart. The arrival of CPU Blueheart was only the first setp in the merger of fiction and reality which will purge all evil out of this world.

“Sonichu just doesn’t understand this reality… She’s gone mad with power after entering into the body of such a famous person, and what happened with Barb, it was a misunderstanding,” Dumont said. “You try living inside of this dimension, and following its norms, after you’ve spent a millennia as the icon of a wish-fulfillment fantasy world!”

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News World

Peasants from around the world want to know: “Who protects the US from abusive cops?”

Because they are used to living in lawless expanse, peasants in developing nations around the world appear to look down on America’s cop crisis with dimwitted superiority.

[Editor’s Note: Sometimes people go online and make shit up]

In their own words, the peon masses submitted their remarks to the Internet Chronicle to pose a timely rhetorical question. We read them, and interpreted them for you here.

  • a peasant in vietnam once asked me if we had a People’s army in the US, I said no, and she was like “what do you have” and I said “you would literally die if i told you”
  • a peasant in newsbekiztan once asked if we had a People’s Army in the United States. I said no, and she was confused because she’s a fucking peasant and I answered her in English
  • a peasant in Myanmar once asked me if we had military coups in the US. I said no, and she was confused because we facilitate coups around the world
  • a piece of bark floating on the surface of an artificial lake asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and it got confused and asked, “then who protects you from abusive cops?” bark has no concept of public policy
  • a simple, pissant, subhuman peon asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and she was confused because I projected nobility onto her blank, ignorant expression
  • Little haji in the desert once asked if we have a People’s Army in the US. I said uhhh no? He looked confused as to why I would be so snide toward a starving child with a distended belly. He said “then who protects you from racist cops?”

Peasants might not be educated like us, but they’re so wise!