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Pentagon declassifies footage of UFOs getting the hell away from Earth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon has declassified breathtaking video footage that clearly shows UFOs getting the absolute fuck away from the Earth as fast as scientifically possible.

In this previously leaked footage, Navy Cmdr. David Fravor and his massive unit were sent to check out strange, unidentified objects descending from 80,000 to 20,000 feet, and then disappearing. After several failures, the crew excitedly gets a lock on one of the targets, a rotating “tic tac” shaped UFO, allowing the camera to follow the otherworldly visitor until it left the Earth in its dust, man.

Fravor said he had not seen a vessel moving away from an object at that speed since Prince Andrew’s final departure from the Buckingham Palace.

The Duke, seen here leaving Buckingham Palace, makes the ‘now everyone knows I rape kids’ face.

“I can tell you, I think it was not from this world,” Fravor told Internet Chronicle. “I’m not crazy, haven’t been drinking. After 18 years of flying, I’ve seen pretty much about everything that I can see in that realm, and this was nothing close. Not to mention, they did not seem at all impressed with Earth, and left in the fastest hurry I have ever seen.”

Video footage shows UFOs getting the hell out of Dodge.

What were they running away from?

For some reason the aliens want nothing to do with us, Dr. Angstrom Troubadour mansplained from the Lebal Drocer Planetarium in Tour D’ivoire.

Maybe they find our alien atmosphere unsuitable, Troubadour hypothesized. Maybe we are just too far from the nearest neighboring star.

Maybe they hate our freedom, and couldn’t hack it here.

We have no idea what it could possibly be.

“Whatever. They’ll be back.”

— Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Lebal Drocer

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