Senator Wendy Davis dead at age 50

Emotional moments before Senator Davis’ untimely demise.

WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.

While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.

“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”

Amanda Bynes dead at 27, inventor of ‘lol’ signs off

Amanda Bynes dead at 27 2013

Amanda Bynes commit suicide Wednesday.

NEW YORK — Fans mourn the loss of Nickelodeon starlet Amanda Laura Bynes, who died early Wednesday morning at her home in New York. Bynes was widely recognized as the inventor of the Internet abbreviation “lol” – or laugh out loud.

Bynes was pronounced dead at 3:27 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as suicide. She was 27.

Bynes left what appears to be a suicide note in response to ridicule on her Twitter

@ComplexMag Stop acting like I’m doing something wrong. I’m obsessed with myself on twitter. Also, my video last night was perfection. I’m so sick of the articles u write about me. I want every fake article deleted. Ur dick whipped by my ugly ex @ducidni who’s looks and talent have always been questionable to me, him being the ugly duckling that he is and all. U quote him non stop, then take professional shots of him for ur covers, his best photos aren’t shit compared to mine at my best. The photo u chose of Aubrey for her cover is awful. You make people look bad, stop acting like you know anything about what men like. I don’t stop getting follwed or hit on every place I go. I’m not trying to sing, but if I did (I got offered an Interscope record deal right after I filmed Hairspray which you might know if you sat down and did a normal interview. I still might take them up on their offer) get the facts as opposed to talking shit. My music is going to be sicker then whatever the fuck kind of music Scott tries to do. Stop writing articles without speaking to me first.

Bynes publicly defended herself against allegations she was kicked out of gymnastics, and claimed to have an eating disorder.

Bynes spent her final weeks estranged from her family, stating via Twitter, “I don’t speak to my parents anymore.”

Because no will was entered into the public record, Bynes’ legal fund is being returned to Viacom. The money was originally distributed to attorneys representing Bynes to protect her name from libel.

2 Chainz dead at 36

2 Chainz overdosed on crack.

2 Chainz overdosed on crack.

ATLANTA — Rapper Tauheed Eppz, known to fans as “2 Chainz,” and “Tity Boi,” died Sunday from heart complications related to crack smoking. In his recent single, “Crack,” 2 Chainz said, “Everywhere I go I got crack, I got that crinack.”

2 Chainz came under fire from hip hop enthusiasts who did not believe the rapper, in fact, smoked crack. Hardcore fans of the hip-hop subgenre “Crackcore” spoke to the Internet Chronicle and are even less sure of 2 Chainz authenticity after his death from smoking too much crack. “Us real crackheads, we been at this shit for decades. We know how to handle our crack, and we ain’t out tryin’ to prove nothin’ cause everyone knows we real. 2 Chainz ain’t a crack smoker. That motherfucker is a poser bitch.”

Syrian Dictator Bashar Al-Assad assassinated

RIP Bashar Al Assad, dead from an assassin's bullet on March 24, 2013

RIP Bashar Al Assad, dead from an assassin’s bullet on March 24, 2013

DAMASCUS — Brutal Syrian Dictator and Opthamologist Bashar Al-Assad was assassinated by a disgruntled bodyguard Sunday Morning, as western propaganda alleged his involvement in recent chemical attacks rightfully attributed to so-called revolutionary forces which act as proxies for Christendom. Assad was rushed to hospital in critical condition, but did not survive the gunshot wounds.

Fans of Assad mourn his loss and hope the state of emergency instituted in 1963 will continue in perpetuity. Assad has followed through with promises to appease Arab Spring protesters by further violent suppression of political speech and increasing crackdowns on rebels influenced by western powers.

Kim Jong-Un poured a forty-ounce over the grave of his grandfather saying, “I ain’t gonna forget my nigga Assad, he been sendin’ me dat rocketry ‘n shit, and he always hooked a brother up with Hennessy.”

The assassin was reportedly arrested while screaming, in English, “We are Anonymous! Expect Us!”

Glenn Beck murders pet dog Victor

DALLAS — Teary-eyed and sobbing like a little girl, Glenn Beck announced that he would personally put his dog down on Sunday. “He is teaching me a very important lesson in dignity,” Beck said, as he shared his shameful emotions with the entire world. “He’s a Mason dog,” added Beck. “Victor’s lessons are ingrained in us forever. Protection, devotion, dignity.” Beck’s technicians were heard giggling in the background.

Beck has spoken of Victor’s blindness in past shows, but reportedly shared many knowing looks with the dog before putting it to death. “Before I owned a gun, I was getting death threats,” Beck said, underlining his continued capability to protect himself from the post-911 anti-American menace.

Glenn Beck learned how to work people’s emotions on the cold streets as a homeless alcoholic beggar, and smoked weed every day for 16 years. After nearly killing himself to the music of Nirvana, Beck joined Alcoholics Anonymous, which became the source for many of his best conspiracy theories.

President Obama assassinated by Tea Party House members

The nation mourns the President's death.

The nation mourns the President’s death.

WASHINGTON — Friday, President Obama returned from a visit to Israel in which he made threats to cut Israeli defense subsidies if Shimon Perez did not make concessions to Palestine. Upon returning to Washington, 23 Republican House members with Tea Party affiliation surrounded the President and fatally wounded him using boxcutters and improvised shivs.

Joe Biden was sworn into office as the assassins were placed into federal custody. All public services have shut down in Washington, and many schools have closed around the nation in mourning.

Sources close to the conspirators claim the House members believed Obama was the Anti-Christ and would soon declare himself Dictator in perpetuity.

Adrian Chen Gunned Down at PyCon

Adrian Chen, a pioneer of Python programming.

New York, New York–The infosec community lost another brave soul today as Adrian Chen’s Mazda Miata was run off the road by a vindictive troll. The news comes as a shock to family and friends as they find out about the true nature of his death, which started at ComicCon, a men-only Python programming conference, which has been known to cause coniption fits among bronies and femininazi’s alike. Chen was last seen screaming at a man who asked to “fork” his “dongle” and stormed off in a fit of rage.

Friends say Chen’s vapid personality and small stature led people to believe he was actually Jewish blogger Susan Basko, who was actually a troll who pestered Chen into almost committing suicide in 2012 after outing her as the Great Reddit Troll violentacrez.

While most who knew Chen knew his skills were exceptional, as he had a penchant for infuriating the masses with his tepid python code which Gawker used to relentlessly psy-op Anonymous into thinking anyone cares about anything.

Investigators are still looking into the case, little is known, but word on 4chan is it was actually another Mazda Miata that ran his Mazda Miata off the New Jersey Turnpike, forever, into the abyss.

Porn Legend Ron Jeremy Dead at 59

Ron Jeremy was revered for his generosity.

Ron Jeremy was revered for his generosity.

LOS ANGELES — Fans mourn the loss of porn star Ron Jeremy, whose remarkable cock exploded tragically during the opportunistic shooting of an unauthorized “onsite” pornographic film at Cedars-Sinai hospital. Jeremy was hospitalized after suffering a near-fatal heart aneurysm.

Mike Sesterman, Ron Jeremy’s agent, said Wednesday Jeremy died as he lived: “Jeremy died while performing multiple simultaneous sex acts on a swathe of gorgeous, beautiful women for a mockumentary in his hospital bed. He loved all the support of his friends and fans and swore he would forever fuck life in the ass, until the day that he died.”

Jeremy’s cock partially exploded while buried in the rectum of a young Hollywood nurse, who asked not to be named for fear of losing her job at Cedars-Sinai. Blood squirted from the tip of his penis as it split like a flower down the middle.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, urologist, stated, “I have never seen such a large cock in my entire life. Porn Stars like Ron often abuse cock-enhancing medication which can lead to heart aneurysms and sudden cock explosion. Common sources of these drugs are internet e-mail spammers, who often cut their products with dangerous stimulants to provide short-term penis length gains.”

Mike Sesterman is responsible for dispersion of the Jeremy estate. The estate, he said, is to be divided among Jeremy’s family and cock-growth medication hucksters to whom he owes various debts and apologies.

Justin Bieber Dead at 19

Bieber died on March 7, 2013

Bieber died on March 7, 2013

LONDON — Fans mourn the untimely and tragic death of singer and entertainer Justin Bieber. After collapsing on stage, Bieber was rushed to hospital, but despite the best efforts of doctors Bieber passed quietly Thursday evening.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, in a brief press conference outside the hospital, said, “Bieber’s heart gave out, but we are still trying to determine the cause. These kind of fatalities are often associated with drugs or heart defects, but the coroner’s report should bring light to the situation.” Angered at this statement, the crowd of fans attending the press conference assaulted Dr. Troubador, who was slightly injured before police intervened.

Some “Beliebers,” as fans of Bieber like to be called, have refused to mourn the pop star’s death. Unconvinced that Bieber has actually died, some accused the singer’s managers of keeping the young teen heart-throb to themselves. “He’s just too good for this world,” said one stony-faced fan. “They want him all to themselves. I know he can’t die like this.”

Makeshift altars have been erected in public places around the world as other fans attend vigils in Bieber’s honor. “Today my world died,” said Bieber fan-club founder Jessica Kim, “and no one can ever take his place.”


Beyoncé Commits Suicide, age 31

Beyoncé's tragic suicide came as a shock to fans around the world.

Beyoncé’s tragic suicide came as a shock to fans around the world.

HOUSTON — Fans mourn the loss of Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter after a series of high-profile public embarrassments. Sunday, some fans blamed a blackout during the Super Bowl on Beyoncé’s extravagant halftime show, which featured the world’s biggest neon lights shaped like Beyoncé’s face. This comes on the heels of allegations Beyoncé lip-synced “The Star Spangled Banner” at President Barack Obama’s inauguration.

Police investigators confirm early reports the suicide was an intentional overdose on Diazepam, a medication Beyoncé took to ease her fits of manic depression. Her physician, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, attributed the fits to “stress related to identity issues.”

Beyoncé’s estate has been transferred to her surviving husband, Jay-Z, who did not return several badgering messages left by Chief Editor of The Internet Chronicle, Raghubir Goyal.