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Elon Musk dead at 49: Tragic suicide follows crypto crash

INTERNET — Fans and investors mourn the loss of Elon Musk, found dead in his Austin home following a massive crypto crash Sunday morning.

Musk, the CEO and founder of SpaceX and Tesla made headlines earlier this year after investing billions of dollars into bitcoin.

Musk is survived by his wife Grimes and his son X Æ A-12. Coroners reported he hung himself from the balcony of his mansion using a USB-C cable, still connected to an external hard drive filled with billions of now worthless cryptocoins.

Mary L. Hubbard, President and CEO of the Elon Musk Fan Club was completely devastated, telling reporters between fits of uncontrollable sobbing, “Now we’re never going to Mars. We’re never going to get off fossil fuels. Without Elon the whole world is doomed.”

However, Harvard Economist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said of the crash, “No one who lived through the dotcom boom should be surprised that this happened. Tech comes and goes at a very fast pace these days and as far as the crypto stuff goes, it’s really all speculation. The only people who would use such a convoluted method of transaction are doing it because they have already invested so much into it. For the common person there are only disadvantages to using bitcoin.”

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Daniel “Keemstar” Keem dead at 39

Keemstar was found dead after a tragic shooting in his apartment

INTERNET– Fans mourn the loss of Daniel Keem, better known as the YouTube sensation ‘Keemstar’, whose “Drama Alert” video series stirred up beef among the platform’s most famous creators.

Keem was found dead in his apartment from an apparent “execution-style” gunshot wound to the back of his head. Police are investigating this as a homicide and say the perpetrator is likely still on the loose.

Trey Wiggins, Chief of the Buffalo Police told reporters, “Well, this one is a real headscratcher. We’re narrowing down the suspects but Mr. Keem hasn’t made things easy for us. There are literally hundreds of thousands of suspects.”

Fans have posted their favorite memes of Keem in remembrance, the most popular showing the presenter’s face superimposed on a gnome in celebration of his miniature voice and lack of powerful video presence.

‘Hamandcheese’, a small-time partner of the Twitch corporation, told Internet Chronicle “You don’t want to get the attention of Keemstar. He’ll ruin your career before it even gets off the ground. It’s most likely this was a revenge-oriented killing related to one of his ongoing beefs. No one likes a shit-stirrer.”

Joe Rogan told listeners, “I’m sorry for Keem, and for his family. But the guy was like a cancer on the internet and I won’t miss him. He was an ugly bully who was obsessed with ugliness and stupidity. You reap what you sow, that’s what I always say. It’s not nice, but it’s the truth.”

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From Life to Death: Larry Tesler cut and pasted

You ever want to take shit from over here, to over there?

So did Larry Tesler. Because computers are faster at editing than sharp tools, the ability to cut and paste pages worth of material was a godsend to writers, and a natural transformation of computer technology so critical to life today, that it’s hard to believe one magical man, up in the sky, could have possibly delivered it to us. Seems like we would have come up with that on our own, eventually. Thanks anyway, Larry.

No, but seriously

Stenographers hate him!

Larry Tesler became King of the Keyboard with one simple trick.

Fans mourn Larry, acclaimed inventor of Copy and Paste.exe for Windows ME Year 2000 Edition and up. They said it couldn’t be done. He copied and pasted their bleating doubts:

It can’t be done!

–The ignorant flock who doubted Larry Tesla

So he gets credit for copy and paste from way back in the day. He might not have even enforced a patent on it. We don’t pay royalties. Do you?

The Internet Chronicle is raising money for Tarry’s surviving family members. Find the email on here and send us a link to whatever you got. Some kids are missing their daddy right now as he’s wallowing in the Satanic mire of celestial damnation, and by Gum, we’re gonna collect on it.

Because only God has the power to create in one hand while destroying with the other. In this sense, Larry Tesler was God.

Or so he believed

God threw Larry in Hell for leading people away from Him. Tesler was a good man, but this mortal life got away with him. He moved on from copying and pasting lines of code, to cutting and pasting to directories and fro. His experiments grew.

Cut and Paste, Larry that’s real cute, as you burn in Hell for all eternity, after playing God.

Eventually, his incessant copying and pasting of humanity itself bloomed like algae to consume all the world around him, transforming his once happy existence, which he shared on a countryside with a dog, and the dog’s loving family, into a nightmarish paradox realm where creation and destruction behave as one.

It goes without saying, God got mad. The townsfolk were upset. Even Mayor Bloomberg threw a little money down.

Larry Tesla felt the sting of Satan’s pitchforks jabbing into him — the Devil’s opening salvo — to mark the occasion of Tesla’s permanent damnation, and banishment to the eternal pit of lost souls.

Larry Tesla, who now only hears the moaning wails of tortured nonbelievers, worked for Apple from 1980 to 1997, growing the company to a lovable, artist-oriented development suite before leaving. Larry would not see the company become a phone-based, product as a subscription-based whatever the fuck.

Otherwise, Larry lived a good life. He was “a pretty good ol’ boy.”

Rock solid. Made to last. Bitch I ain’t no trick.

I’m finna cut that ass, and paste it on my dick.

–Larry “Fuck the Police” Tesla (1999 dubtrack)