INTERNET– Fans mourn the loss of Daniel Keem, better known as the YouTube sensation ‘Keemstar’, whose “Drama Alert” video series stirred up beef among the platform’s most famous creators.
Keem was found dead in his apartment from an apparent “execution-style” gunshot wound to the back of his head. Police are investigating this as a homicide and say the perpetrator is likely still on the loose.
Trey Wiggins, Chief of the Buffalo Police told reporters, “Well, this one is a real headscratcher. We’re narrowing down the suspects but Mr. Keem hasn’t made things easy for us. There are literally hundreds of thousands of suspects.”
Fans have posted their favorite memes of Keem in remembrance, the most popular showing the presenter’s face superimposed on a gnome in celebration of his miniature voice and lack of powerful video presence.
‘Hamandcheese’, a small-time partner of the Twitch corporation, told Internet Chronicle “You don’t want to get the attention of Keemstar. He’ll ruin your career before it even gets off the ground. It’s most likely this was a revenge-oriented killing related to one of his ongoing beefs. No one likes a shit-stirrer.”
Joe Rogan told listeners, “I’m sorry for Keem, and for his family. But the guy was like a cancer on the internet and I won’t miss him. He was an ugly bully who was obsessed with ugliness and stupidity. You reap what you sow, that’s what I always say. It’s not nice, but it’s the truth.”
You ever want to take shit from over here, to over there?
So did Larry Tesler. Because computers are faster at editing than sharp tools, the ability to cut and paste pages worth of material was a godsend to writers, and a natural transformation of computer technology so critical to life today, that it’s hard to believe one magical man, up in the sky, could have possibly delivered it to us. Seems like we would have come up with that on our own, eventually. Thanks anyway, Larry.
No, but seriously
Stenographers hate him!
Larry Tesler became King of the Keyboard with one simple trick.
Fans mourn Larry, acclaimed inventor of Copy and Paste.exe for Windows ME Year 2000 Edition and up. They said it couldn’t be done. He copied and pasted their bleating doubts:
It can’t be done!
–The ignorant flock who doubted Larry Tesla
So he gets credit for copy and paste from way back in the day. He might not have even enforced a patent on it. We don’t pay royalties. Do you?
The Internet Chronicle is raising money for Tarry’s surviving family members. Find the email on here and send us a link to whatever you got. Some kids are missing their daddy right now as he’s wallowing in the Satanic mire of celestial damnation, and by Gum, we’re gonna collect on it.
Because only God has the power to create in one hand while destroying with the other. In this sense, Larry Tesler was God.
Or so he believed
God threw Larry in Hell for leading people away from Him. Tesler was a good man, but this mortal life got away with him. He moved on from copying and pasting lines of code, to cutting and pasting to directories and fro. His experiments grew.
Eventually, his incessant copying and pasting of humanity itself bloomed like algae to consume all the world around him, transforming his once happy existence, which he shared on a countryside with a dog, and the dog’s loving family, into a nightmarish paradox realm where creation and destruction behave as one.
It goes without saying, God got mad. The townsfolk were upset. Even Mayor Bloomberg threw a little money down.
Larry Tesla felt the sting of Satan’s pitchforks jabbing into him — the Devil’s opening salvo — to mark the occasion of Tesla’s permanent damnation, and banishment to the eternal pit of lost souls.
Larry Tesla, who now only hears the moaning wails of tortured nonbelievers, worked for Apple from 1980 to 1997, growing the company to a lovable, artist-oriented development suite before leaving. Larry would not see the company become a phone-based, product as a subscription-based whatever the fuck.
Otherwise, Larry lived a good life. He was “a pretty good ol’ boy.”
Doris Day, the legendary singer and actress who recorded Gangsta’s Paradise, died at 1 a.m. Monday at her home in California… or did she?
No, she did. Doris Day is dead.
Celebrity experts say she was 97 years old when she died, and a lot of people are mourning. People are in mourning. They’re supposed to be at work!
The Doris Day Crypto-Psychotic Institute for Old Television Shows confirmed in a statement to chronicle.su that Day “rattled with temporal fever” as her body came apart, revealing itself at long last to be composed of a dense cloud of tiny alien spacecraft.
The ships scattered in the wind, before leaving Earth through interdimensional creases.
Witnesses were intimidated into silence. Even Alex Jones from infowars.com was speechless.
Day howled as she died, cackled, and growled like a river of wind, causing everyone’s ears to bleed. Human expression wiped from her face, Day scanned each person in the room, consuming their souls through the eyes, snatching family and loved ones alike down with her on a startling plunge into the darkest pitch of Hell.
“That’s why this is such a big deal,” Alex Jones said. “We’re all gonna read about this in the Chronicle!”
Day was well known for her contralto singing voice, which she famously showcased in “Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera)” from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Man Who Knew Too Much. Little did it matter, Day’s final howling shriek lives on in a broken reality, scorched into the memories of the few survivors who lived to tell about it.
“Her singing voice was so beautiful,” Nancy Grace recounted. “Which is why when she started howling like the Devil, I knew something was wrong, and it was time for me and the crew to get the flip out of there. I still have nightmares about it.”
When Doris Day was just 12 years old, she ignored what God and her parents said to do, so she went and got hit by a train. Just like what happened to Sam Kinison, this event triggered a dark turn in Day’s demeanor, form, and worldview, influencing her standup for decades to come.
Fans recall Day would lash out at audiences and was arrested twice for indecency. Officers waited off stage for the actress in 1989 after accepting the Cecil B. DeMille Award because during her acceptance speech, she removed her face, revealing a cyborg robotic emotive muscular simulation system of unknown origin. This alone was not a problem, but Day’s hair, shoulders, elbows and breasts had transformed into helicopter-mounted gatling guns, fed by a bandolier of souls from the future snatched into a horrific backward leap through time. Although she complied with police, Day killed indiscriminately, and paid dearly for her crimes in Time Court.
Day was later arrested during a meet-and-greet in 2005, where she controversially drank her own urine from a glass and sprayed it into the stunned faces of a live studio audience. She never opened with piss drinking, so this was a rare moment for fans and police.
Day was married a bunch of times, but no one knew she was the Reaper.
Who gives a fuck anymore. Y’all stay away from them Day Reapers you hear me?
Some say she’s still out there. She could still be hunting.