Campaign staffers found Trump dead in his bed Sunday morning
OHIO — Campaign assistants found Donald Trump dead in his hotel room Sunday morning with a pillow over his head. The assistants found his body after the bombastic presidential hopeful failed to appear for breakfast.
Foul play was ruled out of Trump’s death by US Marshals and Secret Service agents following a brief, but thorough investigation. The death follows an assassination attempt at a rally in Ohio on Saturday.
Detective John Kimball told reporters, “There is no need for an autopsy as it was clearly a natural death.”
Trump’s followers have clung to anger and hostility even in the moment of his death, gathering in public spaces not to hold vigil or pay respects at impromptu shrines, but instead registering their grief by brandishing assault rifles and shouting obscenity at passing Mexicans and Muslims, blaming them for the death of their beloved would-be leader.
Few of Trump’s followers are accepting the official story on his death. Online comments are split, with some believing the death is part of an ongoing Obama assassination program targeting powerful conservative figures — linking the killing to judge Scalia’s death. Others believe the killing was paid for by Ted Cruz’s campaign and only made to look like another Obama hit so as to not affect Cruz’s sure shot at the presidential nomination. Even others see potential ISIS or communist groups behind the assassination. Prominent alt-right figure Greg McNolty said “Cultural Marxists will do anything to keep the white man down. I don’t see how anyone with their eyes open can deny Obama’s totalitarian Marxist regime is murdering all its enemies. Breitbart, Scalia, and now Trump. Everyone knows the CIA’s got air pistols with undetectable poison darts made of ice. They could’ve fried his heart with HAARP if they wanted. None of the weapons they’d use are even detectable.”
CHICAGO — Friday night after protestors blocked a Donald Trump rally, frustrated Trump supporters fought back by gang raping people of color.
Riot police, outraged by infringements upon The Apprentice stars’ First Amendment rights, massaged their engorged organs from behind the privacy of bullet proof shields, beating at anyone who tried to escape the brutish kettle of primal abjection.
The rapers screeched “White genocide,” and whispered Trump slogans to their victims as a threat.
“You’re going to build the wall, and you’re going to like it, ya Mexican bitch,” one raper exclaimed on rape footage posted on LiveLeak. All videos of the incident were wiped from the internet quickly and a general media blackout continues unabated.
Many offenders took to social media to brag on the hashtag #TrumpRapeCrew. One rapist said, “We went after the Muslims because they must be used to it by now with how theyre [sic] countries are.” Other commenters hopped on the hashtag, connecting the event to the migrant rapings in Europe, “Whites aren’t just going to let themselves suffer genocide by the rapist hordes of muslim migrants. We’re finally raping back.”
“Build up the wall! Build up the wall!” the bloodthirsty crowd repeated.
The riot police handcuffed each rape victim as a single team of paramedics attended to the grievous wounds.
One Mexican, lying in the street and bound in zip-ties after an apparent attack, cried out for water.
“Get this…Mexican man some water, he’s dehydrated,” a paramedic said. “And he’s Mexican!”
A fair-skinned female medic unscrewed the lid of her canteen, kneeling in the grass at a reasonable distance from the brown-skinned man. She scooped up a pile of fresh dirt and added it to the draught.
“Here, it’s ready for him,” she said, and screwed the lid back on tight. She slid the canteen across the pavement to her partner. “This is how they drink it.”
The burly blonde EMS reassured the victim, pouring the sandy water into his savaged throat, “You just don’t know any better. And now you’re under arrest for disturbing Donald Trump’s free speech.”
The EMS clipped a police badge onto his navy blue medic uniform. Shocked eyewitnesses tell reporters he then tased the subdued victim in cold blood before leaving the scene in an armored vehicle.
Reporters noticed a wooden box – a coffin, apparently ripped out of a funeral home during rioting – with a sign attached to the wall. The sign read “We are not rapists” and had a hole cut in the center of the board, through the letter ‘o.’ Somebody was watching them through the hole. A brown iris darted, watching for attackers.
Reporters heard a muffled, forced cry from the box, “Trump was right.”
Two true representatives to save the Republic – Bernie Hillary 2016
INTERNET — Bernie Sanders dropped out of the race when it became clear that his heavy losses on Super Tuesday spelled an end to any chance at the presidency.
Hillary immediately announced Bernie as her running mate and dug her heels into an increasingly left position. “Bernie Sanders has a point about Wall Street and Socialism. It’s a damn good idea, but it’s going to take more than one compromise.”
This marks the first time since the election of 1810 that a standing Secretary of State has run for presidential office with a senator runner-up as running mate.
“It is as if the stars spelled out the answer,” said one commenter, “Trump is already defeated. Fascism will fade forever, one election at a time, leading to full, all-out communism in the idealistic sense, and not as a repetition of the failed Soviet model. I saw it all laid out in the development of social organizations from Sumeria to the present day in a flash. Tens of thousands of tales foretelling Trump, and the glorious couple, united now, who will defeat him and cancel every one of his emanations.”
“We perceived a threat.” – Cleveland PD Officer Timothy Loehmann
You know you fucked up when they blur out everyone’s faces but yours: Timothy Loehmann.
More tragedy Friday as Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann is accused of firing more than 16 shots into the ashes of a Cleveland boy he killed previously last year.
Loehmann, who is back on the job after shooting and killing 12-year-old Tamir Rice, in a bizarre coincidence has now shot Tamir’s remains in front of the grieving family’s home as the ashes were being transported.
Loehmann said shortly after the escort, he sensed trouble, and repeatedly demanded to see Tamir’s hands. Loehmann, perceiving a threat, then drew his sidearm and fired 16 shots into the urn.
“I gave him every chance, but I couldn’t see his hands,” Loehmann said. “All I seen was threat.”
But this was only the beginning of a new nightmare for Loehmann’s career. Tamir’s ashes exploded into a cloud of dust and gunsmoke, choking responding officers with scorched ashes. Loehmann watched as Cleveland officer Garrett Carner lay in the grass, choking on powder.
“I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” Carner cried out, gasping for air.
Loehmann said he could not stand by while Rice continued to attack his fellow officers.
“You don’t mess with the Blue Line,” Loehmann explained. “So I reloaded, and resumed efforts to neutralize the threat this suspect posed to myself and fellow officers.”
Officer Loehmann is known for his leader-like command of courage under fire. Following his lead, Loehmann and other officers fired dozens of shots into the cloud, striking Carner twice in the guts as he lay sprawled out on the pavement.
Tamir’s ashes were charged as an adult and later found guilty of attempted murder of a police officer, and sentenced to death.
The Cleveland Parole Board or something issued the following statement:
Today we mourn Officer Garrett Carner who was shot and suffocated by a savage, terroristic black animal from the projects. We do not yet know how detention officers plan to go about injecting lethal chemicals into a pile of carbon and bone-dust, but we are committed to the safety of our officers and serving the law-abiding citizens of Cleveland, Ohio. We will stop at nothing.
“I injected it right into my fuckin’ eyeballs,” said Adam Goralski, a 14-year-old Roanoke, Va. native who recently became addicted to ideology. Adam said he used the Internet to administer his first doses of cyberlibertarian bitcoin paranoia.
“I just thought about all the freedoms we don’t have, pertaining to bitcoin, and Rand Paul was saying, ‘This Senate hearing is a meeting about how to keep young people from generating their own new forms of wealth,” Adam recounted. “He was talking about Bitcoin as the only true currency without any pretense of statist affirmation or any real assignment of value. Keep your hands off my Bitcoins!’ and I thought, that’s the truth. That appeals to my teenage sensibilities.”
Adam, who wears a t-shirt reading, ‘The Satoshi white paper is my Constitution,’ said he’s turned his friends onto the Bitcoin and, as a result, the value of the currency is already exploding – TO THE MOON! – in their young, feeble minds.
“Every trade is like a hit of my daddy’s cocaine,” Adam professed. “I get on there with my VISA giftcards, and I just go, go, go. Kids of my generation are always going, going. We’re pretty good old boys.”
Adam, who now listens to Alex Jones instead of faggoty schoolteachers, said he bought a 3D printer over Tor – a perfectly clean, Anonymous transfer – and has already downloaded his very first 3D-printable handgun from The Pirate Bay.
“See, the Constitution was a Bitcoin-enhancing document which basically said men could own guns, people as property, and even Bitcoin, the spending of which is a protected form of free, encrypted speech,” Adam said. “See, it’s free but it’s encrypted anyway, that’s how you know it’s protected speech. Don’t trust the government. Satoshi got it right.”
Adam, a member of the armed branch of the cyberterror group Electronic Frontier Foundation, said he’s on the fence about a new president, adding that he would opt instead for a form of anti-neoliberal anarchocapitalism where the value of all things are measured against BTC. But he’s considering a vote for Bernie, whose messages of Hope and Change he readily identifies with, as well as Bernie’s strong pro-war stance since joining the Democratic Party of Peace. Adam is, after all, a very smart boy.
“We’re just some pretty good old boys, though, in the end,” Adam explained. “And all we want is a lawless society where the tyranny of fiat currency no longer burdens True Capitalists like ourselves with its evil. And I think a vote for Bernie just might expedite such a collapse, because the people just won’t stand for it.”
A 40-year coup, the United States is now under the spell of a dangerous cabal of extremist groups calling themselves the Republicans and Democrats. It is unclear who is actually in charge of the group, but sources have confirmed the Republicans and Democrats are sponsored by “global financial backers.”
The group raised alarms after a spate of domestic and international terrorism left the economy in shambles and many jobless and without vital services, such as medical care.
Emerging warlords named “Hillary Clinton” and “Jeb Bush” are vying for leadership in the powerful global terrorist organization, while hundreds of millions of American moderates look on in horror as their livelihoods are compromised by terroristic anarcho-capitalists in the Republicans and Democrats.
“I just hope I can still breathe clean air,” said Paula Morrison, a registered Independent voter from Virginia. “Because it smells so bad like bullshit around here you can’t even go to the store without being overcome by it all. Hillary loves the banks, and Bush loves…whatever the fuck Jeb Bush loves, I don’t know.”
An extremist subgroup cling to hope of a fringe Democrat calling himself “Bernie Sanders,” and for some reason are choosing to ignore that he, too, is a powerful ruling elite belonging to the dangerous NGO, the Republicans and the Democrats.
Barry kept a picture of Ayn Rand in his copy of Atlas Shrugged, which he read and reread, using the photo both as a masturbation aid and as a bookmark.
“Barry” his mother called from the kitchen, “Your flight for the safari is in two hours, are you packed and ready to go?”
He grunted and beat his dick harder, jizzing on the photo of his sweet Ayn, reflexively uploading the product to 4chan.
“Yeah mom, I’m ready! I can’t wait to shoot me some African white Rhino! The only thing I HATE more than rhinos are FBI FAGGOTS!”
Barry’s father boomed laughter, “Atta boy!”
“Hitler Had Plans”
“You think hunting rare and endangered species across the African savannah was easy?” Brown puffed out his chest. “Check your privileges, faggot. We got a world to save, and we’re starting in Tunisia. We’ll call it Arab Spring. Get the Jester on the line. He’ll definitely want in on this AfroMuslim hate party.”
The Jester appeared in the Project PM chat room and said, “There’s an equal amount of good an evil and sometimes you gotta judge. I think there’s good here … sometimes. What can I do Barry?”
Barry laid it out plain and simple, “Get a video of a man burning himself and put the hate on Mo’mar Gaddafi. We’re gonna do a little regime change, ya dig?”
“Sure. It’s a rock and roll fantasy. Stay frosty.” The Jester logged out, and government computers across Tunisia started going offline. The video of a street vendor burning himself went viral seconds after Jester engaged the US government’s top secret Perosna Management software and fed its control panel into Barry Brown’s personal netbook. The revolution was on.
He slammed a spike that would kill any normal hardcore addict and settled into the Persona Manager Interface like he’d done so many times before. He choked on some vomit brought forth not from the purified government heroin rush, but from the similarly purified power of the most sophisticated propaganda apparatus ever created. Everything was so post-cyberpunk, he thought, especially the Waylon Jennings crooning, “I don’t think Hank done ’em that way.”
“You heard me. Hack his shit, fuck up their site. I don’t give a fuck about those fucking faggots.” Barry inhaled the e-cig until his head felt like a helium balloon. “God dammit!” He was typing furiously into the highest echelon Anonymous backchannel, where the most experienced hackers and leaders in the world congregated to fight for freedom. Ryan Cleary told him it wasn’t going to be easy. Jester had long ago disappeared, taking with him all access to Persona Management. Barry was left with only words, now, and they weren’t working.
Jeremy Hammond shook his head at his laptop and scowled. He loved Chronicle.su but he didn’t say anything in the open. No one in Anonymous could admit that. He pm’d the other members of Anonymous, getting the word out that no one in Anonymous who hacked anything for Barry Brown was going to be tolerated. There was a rat infestation and he was thinking Sabu and Barry were in on it together, which meant very bad things, but he couldn’t just go run his mouth until he knew more.
The hackers weren’t listening to Barry anymore, and Chronicle.su was fucking with him. This would be the last time. He would pull the atomic option, maybe kill a couple cops. His face twisted into a grim half-smile at that thought. Like an Egyptian pharaoh with two FBI side arms at my side.” He tweeted this and grinned from ear to ear, showing teeth to nobody. “Take that, Robert Smith! Take that Chronicle.su.” He began crushing his Suboxone and preparing it in a solution of alcohol for injection. As soon as the weak rush hit, he stood bolt upright, scowling and waving his arms, dreaming of the old days of the military grade heroin, and not this welfare state bullshit.
Barry dm’d Sabu without encryption of any kind, “I’m crossing the Rubicon.” Stepping out onto his porch, Barry thought of Hitler and grew a little hard. He pointed the camera at himself and pressed record. All was going just as he always planned.
“I am going to ruin [Special Agent Robert Smith]’s life and look into his kids.”
A Gozno Journalist’s day in court
“I couldn’t hold my drugs, your honor,” Barrett Brown winked to the judge, signaling white privilege as he apologized for his crimes in a steep Texas drawl. “I demand the rule of law.”
The judge fired back with a slam of his gavel, “There are two reasons why I’m going to sentence you as if you were a black person, Barry. First of all, you stepped over the line from Objectivism to Anarchy, and second, you’re runnin’ with the hackers. Ya got too many fans on the internet. It’s Diesel Therapy for you.” The judge scowled at the pile of bad fan letters piled up by the defense, each a clumsy minimizing Barry’s child-threatening crimes. “And there’ll be no more talk of these…these…personas! I declare a gag order!” The jury chanted, “Gag order! Gag Order!” rising from their seats and clenching fists.
A crack of the gavel silenced the court. Barry spluttered, “But… but, I got into writing because of Ayn Rand. Her Objectivism changed my life. I’m not an Anarchist anymore, I swear. I’ll go back to Objectivism!” Two Texas Rangers with diamond-pleated high kicking jeans tall-stepped into the court, duct taping Barry’s mouth with the ease that only came with long practice.
The judge shook his head, smiling like a father with a folded belt, “Don’t struggle now or we’ll put you in the hole. It’s too late Barry, you shoulda changed your ideology before I used the gavel, and we’re scared of the hackers. You been a bad spider and I gotta do what I gotta do. Weave your wicked little webs on the highways of Texas, if you can.”
“MEDIOCRE!” Immortan Joe bellowed at Barry. The last true Gozno Journalist was naked in the diesel cage with tubes of blood funneling into a troubled warboy. The mobile prison, thirty cages of bloodbags rolling on the back of a flatbed 18 wheeler, creaked across the desert. Somewhere in the distance Barry thought he heard CryptoHarleys. Wishful thinking?
A large portion of the skull of Barry’s warboy suddenly fell off and the warboy white brain slid out just as he was grinnin his way. A second later Barry heard the rifles’ crack.
“Crikey,” Barry said in a distinct Australian accent. “We got us a cryptoparty!”
But Immortan Joe was standing over him, wielding a giant double-sided axe. “You gonna die now, Barry.” And Barry passed out pissed himself, but the axe didn’t fall.
Asher Wolf and Biella Coleman rode in swinging their long rifles at Immortan Joe and yellin’, “Code is speech! Information is Free! We are Anonymous!”
Barry woke up to the warm splash of Biella and Asher pissing all over his naked body. He screamed for help but Biella’s piss hit him in the mouth and he choked and gagged for minutes. When he came to they were aimin pistols in his face. “Now you really gonna die, Barry.”
Now martyred, hordes of people who never use crypto retweet any headline mentioning Barrett Brown’s name. Some even maintain a “#FreeBarrett” banner across their Twitter avatar, a tried-and-true form of activism known to have freed scores of political prisoners. Brown is due for release in 5 years, should the banners remain active.
Of course, looks aren’t everything. It would be excusable if, like the Vice website used to be, the portal was ugly but the work was good, or the representatives existed. However, there is nothing on the Socialist Party USA website to suggest their power extends beyond three shitty state-level representatives, one in New Jersey, New York and some state out west.
On the other hand, the site of Democratic Socialists of America looks new, focused and poised to attack. Democratic socialism is a logical response to the money-crazed fanaticism of Democrats and Republicans, as it seeks to maintain the fundamental basis of capitalism with greater controls of worker rights, adherence to 40-hour work weeks and weekends, and free healthcare. Unfortunately, they’ve already sold themselves out to a very popular and charismatic centrist. The third page on their site is a hashtag: #WeNeedBernie (do we?)
Let’s pretend for a second like we need a career politician like oldguy Bernie Sanders. Yes, he’s “an Independent” but so is Jumpin’ Joe Lieberman, a notoriously corrupt piece of filth. More importantly, he is a career politician. Who remembers 2007 when we “needed” Barack Hussein Obama? Sure, we needed everything he claimed to offer – which, just hearing him utter controversial opinions was revolutionary, and America just had to see what would happen if he got in. He offered: transparency, ending wars for profit and ending mass surveillance. Instead, powermongering hatefiends belonging to the Obama administration read our emails and record citizens’ phone calls, forcing Facebook and Google to share our data with them, they instigate wars whose profiles exist only to refuel Arab hatred for the USA in order to feed the greed of Lockheed-Martin and Boeing, and his administration prosecutes more whistle-blowers than any president in US history. What the fuck!
So after the rising reasonable group of kids turned into adults and saw the extent to which career politicians lie, why are political parties in the US still exclusively Republican or Democratic? Both sides represent competing, high-level financial interests that don’t concern the majority, peppered with their own draconian versions of uncalled-for social controls, both sides offering solutions no one asked for to the weakest and least pressing problems Americans face, like gun control or abortion, two issues which are constitutionally laid out and don’t really need all the hate politicians continuously lay on it, at least not when the police are acting like rabid dogs and motherfuckers can’t find work outside of the new Wal-Mart that sprang up just outside city limits last year.
Political initiatives are so irrelevant and out-of-touch Bernie Sanders might as well introduce new regulations to curb animal waste downtown from overuse of the horse and carriage. How many more career politicians do you motherfuckers intend to vote for? Do #WeNeedBernie? Yeah, sure, #WeNeedBernie, according to the Democratic Socialists of America. It has been eight years since we heard somebody talking tough, saying all the shit we never thought we’d hear a politician say, and thankfully Bernie’s saying it. Here comes Obama II. We’ve had eight years to forget politicians are allowed to say whatever it takes to gain votes and get elected. It has been eight years of unchecked neoliberal corporate tyranny, enabled by Obama, facilitating modern-day indentured servitude in the form of stagnant, unsustainable wages, systematic rape of the land, usurping of environmental controls, and rampant police brutality, as well as the opportunity to witness the middle class lose access to medicine and treatments while paying more for their “insurance” at the same time. No thanks. Just give me the death panels. Put me on the death panels.
Neither the Republican nor Democratic party represents the average American, but by maintaining a relatively poor quality public discourse on American “news” outlets (propaganda holes) such as CNN, FOX News, MSNBC and local news outlets whose go-to primary sources are the police, both parties – our “only” choices – continue to maintain a mutually beneficial death grip on the populace. The absolution of their control over American voters is so strong that actual voter fraud is neither necessary nor would it even be detectable if such a need were to arise.
To hear straightforward, factual presentations of events, Americans turn to other countries’ news outlets such as The Guardian, Al Jazeera and BBC. To watch Al Jazeera or the BBC, however, Americans who have left cable TV behind are forced to use virtual private servers that make our Internet connections appear British, because authentic news stations like BBC and Al Jazeera – to remain sustainable – forged agreements with cable and satellite companies like Comcast, Cox and Dish Network to block American access to their Web content under the premise we will sign up for premium cable packages to gain access to the real news. But people are lazy and especially cheap. Shit like CNN and FOX is free because it’s shit. So it is very difficult to get honest video news in the US, which again makes it difficult to access other political ideologies since the big two control the media with more money every election cycle, a staggering monetary figure that continues to climb, going unchecked for some fucked up reason by the Federal Election Commission. In 2008, Americans spent $5.3 billion on federal elections to get a guy elected into a job that pays $400,000 per year. We here at The Internet Chronicle consider ourselves gambling men, so we know a rigged game when we see one.
“It’s rigged, bros!”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, CHRONICLE.SU Political Scientist
The Democrats vehemently deny their socialist ties as FOX News attacks them year after year. The hilarious irony is that they’re right. The Democrats are so far from socialism that an objective analyst from the height of the Cold War would swear they’re the good guys. If neoliberal Democrats are “leftist” then what the fuck is Germany’s Pirate Party, or François Hollande, or Canada, for that matter?
In other news, local TV news anchors look terrified of everything.
MOSCOW – In a sweaty interview with the infamous cyberterrorist Edward Snowden, darling satirist John Oliver refused to let Snowden iterate his basic technological explanation of how domestic spy programs, such as PRISM, violate the US Constitution. Instead, Oliver continuously interrupted Snowden, denying Americans’ ability to interpret the dialog for themselves, and said the interview MUST focus on “dick pics” in order to maintain public interest.
Oliver felt the already limited segment would not infantilize the popular mind enough, so at various points in the interview, Oliver pulls out his slick new Macbook Pro with retina display, puts it in his lap, and points it toward Snowden, directing him – like a child – to watch a selection of clips of Americans who do not know who he is.
The transition from Snowden’s linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.
With each attempt to carry out the 18-month old, ongoing conversation about the offensive and intrusive nature of domestic spying – a feature of totalitarianism that exceeds even the worst Orwellian nightmare scenario, and has colossal implications on global markets and trade, as well as negatively affecting every tier of government from global to town-level – Oliver said, “No, no. We are talking about dick pics because that is all my dipshit audience cares about: Their sweaty, hairy schlongs.” He diverted the conversation from the Snowden cult of personality only to bring it all back to dick pics, before ending the interview with the centuries-old jokes, “Now I’m on some kind of list,” to which Snowden calmly – and after forced laughter – replied, “You’re associated.”
In Brooklyn, a group of artists who understand art but nothing of subtlety, put up a Snowden statue. A day later, when one of them said, “Look what I did, everyone!” the statue is now hilarironicallously covered by a blue tarp.
This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.
BRB: exercising my civil rights to photograph dick pics and transfer ownership to Mark Zuckerberg, as per Facebook Terms of Service.
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