Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Ghislaine Maxwell granted her first telephone interview from prison to Internet Chronicle reporters. After meeting with DOJ officials, Wednesday, Maxwell shared details of her lurid affair with President Trump.

IC: Who was your contact with the DOJ, in your recent meeting?

GM: It was Trump himself, I was taken to the local Federal building and spoke with the president and Kash Patel over a secure line. He had great things to say.

IC: Great things? Do you expect that you’ll receive a pardon in the coming days?

GM: That’s what I’ve been promised.

IC: We’ve been reviewing the Epstein tapes, and we’ve heard Jeffrey complaining about Trump sleeping with all his friends’ wives. Did Trump ever attempt anything with you?

GM: Absolutely. Every time he could, he grabbed me just like he always bragged about. I don’t usually go for that but he’s famous, you know? I heard that tape and everyone does everyone’s wives in our circle, Jeffrey just got mad because he wasn’t cool like that. Hell, we all banged Melania whenever we felt like it.

IC: What was in the box that you brought back from the meeting?

GM: Snacks, drinks, some personal items. It wasn’t the list if that’s what you’re getting at.

IC: So when it comes to the child sex trafficking, what was Trump’s involvement there?

GM: Trump’s 100% innocent. Melania had nothing to do with it. Nothing. There’s no list, no crimes, and all the accusations against me are political lies cooked up by the Democrat Party.

IC: What do you think took place during the missing three minutes from Epstein’s prison suicide video?

GM: How the hell should I know? Democrats maybe? They probably killed him! God, he was a gentle, loving man who would never harm a fly. Donald Trump was lucky to have him as a friend for so long, up until Trump banned Melania from working for us. It’s like all those years and it’s over just like that?

IC: What are your plans for when you get out of prison?

GM: I’m going to become chair of the Young Republican National Federation, do youth outreach. I wanted something more official in the administration, but this actually pays a lot more and I’m not exactly bargaining with a full hand here so whatever. I’ve got to go. Trump is 100% innocent, make sure you print that.

WASHINGTON DC — Insiders at the Trump administration leaked details of the Trump Administration’s plans to pardon Ghislaine Maxwell, Wednesday. Details of the plan include a significant hush money payment to Maxwell, possibly in the billions, and paid out by the Department of Homeland Security.

Reporters questioned Trump while he was golfing at Mar-A-Lago, who appeared to confirm the pardon. “There was no list, no trafficking, aren’t you people tired of this? But I can tell you, what’s going to happen in the coming weeks will be a major surprise. Major.”

“It’s Stormy Daniels 2.0,” Political analyst and legal historian Dr. Angstrom H. Trouabador told reporters, “Except this time, Trump has turned his personal, private, and political vulnerability into a taxpayer expense, all in the name of National Security.”

Joe Rogan, conservative podcaster and former Fear Factor host, got up out of his chair and threw several haymakers at his training bags in a rage. “I’m responsible for this, for having Trump on the show and covering for these sickos, and I’m just having a hard time living with myself for the past few weeks. It sucks man, it sucks but it’s true.”

Alex Jones challenged lifelong friend Joe Rogan to a “fight to the death” after declaring that the Epstein story was a “hoax” by the Democrat mafia in Washington, echoing a similar challenge which landed the “Liver King” in prison, last month.

The state of Texas issued a warrant for the arrest of Alex Jones, who has been accused of making Terroristic Threats.

INTERNET — Fans expressed both glee and dismay as Elon Musk announced the formation of a new American political party, Friday, in celebration of Independence Day.

Floating the names “X-ist,” and “America Party” Musk promised full adherence to all non-viral ideologies and accession of the manifest destiny of the United States government to full control over the solar system and ultimately the galaxy.

Perennial critics at YourAnonNews asked, “Why does America need another billionaire’s party?”

Musk fired back, limiting the visibility not only of the account but of the entire line of critical thought, identifying even its sarcastic expressions utilizing sophisticated AI.

In a scene reminiscent of Waco, ICE agents laid siege to Musk’s compound in Texas at dawn this morning, with denaturalization proceedings for the South African billionaire expected to revoke his citizenship by this afternoon.

Festooned with the latest military technology, ICE Command Trooper first class Henrique Von Braun of Pennsylvania projected his voice directly into Musk’s office with the LRAD’s laser-like intensity, “We’ve got ten semi trucks with scores of fiber optic FPV drones ready to deploy at a moments notice, and a dozen toxic gamers with itchy trigger fingers, Mr. Musk. Just come out peacefully, while you still have a chance at due process.”

“That’s a lie,” Von Braun winked at reporters, who watched on in astonishment as he wielded limitless paramilitary style power. “Hit him with the microwave beam, let’s see how that apartheid bastard likes a little Havana Syndrome.”

An ICE trooper shouldered a large weapon, resembling a large film camera. In the oversized monitor, reporters could make out the infrared light signature of an oddly barrel-chested man holding a child up as a human shield. “That ain’t gonna stop this weapon,” the trooper laughed with a cruel smirk. A humming and then the smell of burnt electronics was observed as both figures fell to the ground in anguished paroxysms.