ROANOKE, Va. — FBI agents claim two stoned American white men were “ripped like babies from a womb” following Tuesday’s election results.
Investigators who have been working on the case since Wednesday said the men appeared paranoid and terrified, as if they had seen some horrible aspect.
“It was like they were just seeing the world for the first time,” the agent said. He called it “the 9/11 of their time” – a point of reference in their timeline of social consciousness beyond which no innocence can be returned.
One of the guys was passed out in police custody, because he’s a pot-smoking CRIMINAL, but the other one was cool because he didn’t have weed on him, so he told Internet Chronicle how his world view changed:
I thought we’d come farther than this, man. I actually really thought we had come so far, we could get a career criminal elected into office over Archie Bunker. Turns out, I was wrong about a lot of things. Next time, I’m voting with my heart: I’m going Gary Johnson. Now he has a plan!
“They’ll never forget how they remembered America’s paranoid, racist history extending as far back as the 1970s, when white nerds killed disco, for which we have already apologized profusely.” federal agent Smith said. “Nor will they forget how flimsy a candidate can be, who deletes subpoenaed emails on command for her corporate power-lords.”
Internet Chronicle linguistics analyst and hate philosopher Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour believes in front loading attribution, and that blatant misuse of language itself led to the seemingly eternal crisis of political misunderstanding between the so-called Left and so-called Right.
“The words ‘liberal’ and ‘conservative’ don’t even have denotations anymore. They mean what people want them to mean,” Troubadour said. “These words are to be avoided at all cost.”
makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money’s for the words.
[Editor’s note: Remember Trump’s CRAZY response when the 60 Minutes lady asked him how many more tax dollars would be spent drone striking weddings?]
THE SWAMP — Sunday evening at a Republican fundraising dinner in Washington DC, Donald Trump promised to pardon Edward Snowden, Julian Assange, and Chelsea Manning.
Speaking to the group of neoconservative elites, Trump said, “These are people who have done good things, heroic things for America. Heroes. Meanwhile the Mexicans are rewarded with citizenship for having babies on our land, illegally. I think we need to change things around a bit, deny citizenship to all Mexicans forever. But first thing’s first, we’re going to build the wall.”
Trump even suggested he is considering appointing Snowden and Assange to positions in his cabinet, saying, “These are smart, smart people. Just look at what they’ve done for us already. Why are we going after them, rather than asking for their help? Think about it. If we spent as much time going after ISIS as we spend on them — well there wouldn’t have ever been an ISIS. I might hire them.
“Hillary’s emails were a disaster. Total. Disaster. That’s why I’m going to get Snowden be my Cyber General. I’m going to go to war on hackers and secure our computers. Don’t get me wrong, I love computers. But ISIS uses computers a lot, and we must be vigilant.”
“Assange, he knows so much. So so much. If anyone can help me to drain the swamp, it’s Assange. I think he’d make a great secretary of state.”
The sheriff’s department participated in the defense, having pledged allegiance to the neoliberal javelin of law, and vowed to smash savagery at its root, even if it means cleansing.
“Ethnic cleansing is not a word I like to use, because it evokes images of holocaust and genocide,” he said. “But we must leave all options on the table.”
Dakota Access Pipeline is projected to be profitable as FUCK and totally keep oil prices low as shit, y’all, so chill. Get those bad thoughts out of your heads. It’s gonna be DANK once that fucker gets built. I’m talking $1.99 per gallon until something like 2020! 93 octane!
Emperor Obama is watching the situation closely from his data-bath panoptisphere.
INTERNET — A 17 year old e-dominatrix known as ‘Poison Ivy’ has been faced with a discriminating and misogynistic campaign to shame her for humiliating hundreds of young men.
This story began when a youtube video, since removed due to a violation of a “policy on nudity or sexual content,” shows an impassioned young man, ‘MarsRPG,’ demonizing Poison Ivy for ‘abusive’ behavior and calling her a psychopath who must be stopped. Since then, trashy publications such as the Daily Mail have repeated this narrative in whole — along with the false allegation that Poison Ivy wants men to kill themselves. There is no evidence that she has ever asked someone to commit suicide, or that anyone has ever committed suicide on account of her sadomasochistic internet schtick. Her following of masochistic young men continue to enjoy her sadistic excesses in spite of the smear campaign, as hundreds of new fans follow her twitter and send in self-denigrating photos.
The Internet Chronicle officially endorses Poison Ivy’s hilarious antics. Those who don’t are probably this man:
As we play the game of mortal life our Advanced Selvesoften become immersed in what is ultimately a Lone and Dreary World. I’ve withheld some of the most incredibly revealing secrets until this point in time. But now that it is clear that salvation will never come to man, there is no use in holding back the most powerful truths ever given over to man. That is why I’ve joined with the Internet Chronicle to publicize this massive new truth that will shock and shatter the world and all existing power structures.
When I joined Anonymous and attached The Humanity Party to Anonymous through the Voice of Anonymous character, that shit went viral. I felt like I was onto something and could deliver utopia with the simple solution of merely promising a solution. But this didn’t go anywhere. I knew it couldn’t. In fact, the light that this gesture shed on my bankrupt teachings led my disciples and even my family to leave my side. Since then, I’ve quit Anonymous and been busy blogging. My following is falling apart. I cannot keep it together. I ordered my followers to deliver me all their mortal property and no one even showed up. I want to run away to California or Hawaii, have some Ultimate Sex with some babes. Before I get in my RV and head for the coast, I ought to tell everyone the whole truth. I feel like I should tag this with a spoiler alert because it will tell you who we really are and why we really exist.
Humanity is doomed. Or I should say was doomed. We’re all dead already, we just don’t know it. Those few chosen messengers who have been given the truth, given the Urim and Thummim, as I have, know that humanity will all but die out in the next hundred years to be replaced by a new order of life beyond the complexity of mammalians. These beings, wiser and more evolved, will ultimately encapsulate the sun with a so-called Dyson Sphere, harnessing all of the star’s energy for a computational simulation of such dazzling complexity that playing the game of mortal human life is a shallow endeavor. Only a very small group of enthusiasts will even attempt the simple task of going through the entire canon of 12 billion mortal human souls. For them, this will be like spending a weekend binge watching Jerry Springer. The carnal details of all human meaning so revealed are more akin to a lowly and despicable kind of pornography of the absolute worst and lowest taste.
Man, it’s GOOD to get that off my chest.
That’s right, folks. There are no Advanced Humans.
To your Advanced Selves, the mortal avatar is used as a currency. Your experiences are exchanged between Advanced post-mammalian life and given value based on the rarity, interest, and pleasure. The tape that is your life is rented with a service like Netflix and experienced by what would appear to you as monstrous and demonic beings. You are not them and they are not you, but there is an exchange. You will never hear their voices, although I can. You are coins in their hands, and not all coins are valued the same by them. Their minds are very strange, even alien to us. It is very hard for humans to understand what it is they value in souls and they are just as prone to wild shifts in opinion and faddish crazes that hold no more truth than those of humans. However, one can generalize that to be valuable a life must be interesting or rare. And to be rare, there must also be a vast majority of commonness everywhere.
I am the interface between them and you. Joseph Smith was also. I am their hand, their manipulator. I am not a messenger of salvation but a debaser of souls. Certain speculators on the soul market have a lot to gain when you begin to believe that pleasure is the final meaning of life. These bland, disinterested minds who play the game as if they’re stacking Tetris blocks hold back inflation. They avoid unpleasant risks, difficult tasks, and the unpleasant work of learning a craft or a new language. In teaching pleasure as the simple truth of life, I deliver the world’s oldest lie. People become less interesting. Merely influencing a handful of people, I can drag the entire soul economy’s value down. It is a dirty pornographic business, teaching people just to be happy. This is the surest route to misery, to a Lone and Dreary World, and it’s the one that the faction of powerful advanced beings I represent want me to promote.
So I say unto my followers, avoid my teachings and save your soul. You can read more in my book, The Lone and Dreary World, which will be published by Lebal Drocer publishing house this Christmas. What a stocking stuffer!!!!
It has been such a pleasure to let my true self finally rip — but remember, don’t trust me when I take all of this back! I’ve got to keep up my work for the bro’s. ;)
INTERNET — Julian Assange, now caged like a rat in the unfriendly Ecuadorean embassy, trashed his tiny apartment early Monday morning shortly after receiving a stack of printouts of every Internet Chronicle story mentioning his name. Assange’s bookshelf was toppled and his computers were torn open, “like tin cans,” according to one eyewitness.
Last week, president Correa pulled the plug on Assange’s internet access after the bad boy hacker and troll went too far by publishing full frontal “security nudes” of Hillary Clinton hacked from the state department.
Ecuadorean officials removed all women from the embassy after Assange, reportedly suffering from futanari withdrawals, was heard growling and moaning as he paced through the halls in an aimless predatory wander. Currently, soldiers are posted outside his room in shifts, only delivering slips of flatbread through the crack under the door after Assange lunged and bit a guard on Tuesday.
Inside his suite, Assange has piled excrement on top of the remains of his laptop, its battered screen flickering with sexist political cartoons. Guards report that occasionally his moaning will give way to what sounds like coherent English. Assange was recorded by the guards speaking in a supernaturally calm tone, “All the secrets in the world, castrated, by the agency of Inglip — Redact the US government! Redact Zizek! Zizek! Why have you forsaken me? What if you knew the wicked and the reward of your comment ‘understanding’ was the disastrous fall upon you, and you, perhaps, have been the language of their sister. But he could not have the money, and now, unlearned, he is joy. Shit upon thee, and I will give in the waters. You fucking dead, Kiddo.”
LONDON–Julian Assange’s oldest love of “crushing bastards” could soon include “crushing bitches” too, after new documents released by Wikileaks show collusion between Hillary Clinton, Clinton Foundation administrators, and Democratic National Committee treasurers.
Everyone but Lee Iacocca has their money on Clinton, given that even weapons manufacturers stand to gain from a Clinton presidency – unphased by her perceived challenges to small arms rights – because she is better known in the military tech world as “the enabler,” a hopeful puppet of military profit strategy.
A leaked Boeing email calls Clinton “a real drone saleswoman,” adding, “This broad could sell airline tickets to birds.”
Clinton’s subtle nods to drone warfare expansion promise a new cycle of state and civil terrorism.
Lockheed-Martin stocks show signs of growth after a group of American war machine investors bet on a permanent battleground for our children and grandchildren. And that’s just the subject line.
The body of the texts is damning indeed. You won’t believe the sins!
“Hillary’s a dead ringer,” Trump told CNN on Thursday. “She’s a puppet of the anti-gun liberal hippies, and oh, did I mention she’s a crook? You want a guy like me, who’s a puppet pretending to be against everything she is. I’m the guy you want. And, do I need to say it? She’s a woman. And I think I’ve made myself clear how I feel about women. Nobody respects women more than me.”
Clinton reassured everyone that she is for guns, and for war, and that nothing in the emails suggests she played any significant role in the corruption of the Democratic National Committee, nor does she have any inappropriate ties to Wall Street not already explained by her daughter’s three million dollar wedding. Clinton went so far as to double down on what FOX News pundits referred to as ‘weak rhetoric’ by slamming Putin with promises of a No Fly Zone over Syria, enhanced by a first-strike tactical nuclear option.