Fake News publishers’ annual conference erupts into violence

China revealed a secret fighter jet that completely outclasses anything possessed by the West

INTERNET — Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, CEO and founder of Internet Chronicle, chairman of the World Fake News conference, issued a stern warning to the world, Friday. The beloved editor emeritus told reporters, “Fake News and its path of deceit reveals a transcendent truth, but only if readers have a good intention in their hearts. Get right with god, and it doesn’t matter what lies you believe or recount to friends, you will be on the shining path to glory and truth.”

The conference room, filled with millions of dollars of silver vapors that ensure everlasting health, erupted in cheers and orgasmic shrieks from the amyl-nitrate snorting Thompsonites. This group, dressed exactly like Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing, sent forward its deputy spokesperson who would answer to no name but Dr. Gonzo. “Even at this moment,” Dr. Gonzo said, “There are millions of people who believe the world’s governments are run by pineal gland eating, adrenochrone suckling, child-blood injecting satanists who make babies into pepperonis. And they’re stroking their guns, eyeing their own children, wanting that piece of power for themselves.”

Alex Jones took the stage at one point, giving everyone the finger and saying, “What you people do is to cheapen what I do. You’re just trolls. Can’t you get with Freedom? Can’t you rise above the trolling, and be a part of something real?” Jones was promptly escorted off the premises, but not before several of the Thompsonites held him down and took a dark, dehydrated, toxin-rich piss into each of his orifices.

Brian Williams also took the stage for a moment, but due to technical difficulties was maimed by a sudden helicopter attack and was wheeled off the premises with third degree burns and severe internal bleeding.

A group of CIA strategists watched the conference erupt into violence, quietly nodding in a corner and taking notes.

Watch out for Thursday Night’s Mini-Moon

“We in some cool ass dystopia with devil chicks ‘n guns ‘n shit. GG EZ” ~ Sir Angstrom of Troubador

INTERNET — Scientists are forecasting mini-moon conditions for Thursday. This means that smallest moon in the history of the world so far will appear in the night skies, and some believe it is the trigger for upcoming cataclysmic world events.

“The moon’s gonna be small,” said Astronomer Royal Sir Angstrom of Troubador. “Real small. Better break out the binoculars for this moon. Just google it, Mini-moon. It’s a thing that I didn’t invent just now.”

“What I do know,” Troubador continued, “Is that I don’t really believe these scientists who tell me things anymore. I’m smart. I don’t need them to tell me the same things about gravity again and again.

Troubador donned his most official hat, speaking in a low, drilling tone that bored into the ear of this very reader, you, “What I don’t know? Oh, that’s when things get terrifying. The mini-moon will usher in the era of something, and I think it’ll have to do with Donald Trump. Whether this is an upset at the electoral college, some kind of assassination, or a dramatic declaration of a world war and firing of nukes at some major cities, I can’t say. It may even be that all the monuments in Washington DC are melted by communist terrorists who loaded ten million gallons of sulphuric acid into a fire fighting aircraft. But I don’t know. And that’s what’s truly terrifying. I can predict the mini-moon, but what does it mean? It’s just a MacGuffin, like R2D2. Bleepledy Bleep Bloo. Bleepledy Bleep Bloo. The Internet Chronicle? Who are you anyway? Bleepeldy. Means the moons gonna be small. Next time it’ll get even smaller, god dammit.”

6 people who should have taken Santa’s suicide threats more seriously

Santa Clause is on a tear! And this holiday season, it’s everyone’s fault but his. All the people destroying Santa’s life could have paid the ultimate price, but Santa’s last gift to the world was himself.

Never forget.

To brighten the lives of those affected by Kris Kringle’s tragic self-destruction, The Internet Chronicle has compiled a list of all the people who ever brought Santa down, and should have seen it coming.

1. His wife

Mrs. Clause, that cheatin’ bitch

2. His minister

“santa kept insisting he had the same powers as Christ, he should get the same recognition as Christ. I told him yeah, but you ain’t him.”

He said, “I’ll show you. I’ll show all of you how powerful I am.”

3. His best friend

Things got weird after a drunken night on the South Pole, where Santas and best friends sometimes go to get away from their cheating wives.

Details are unclear, but sources close to the proto-deity toy-giver suggest a hot tub was involved and at one point, a man was overheard shouting, “Santa’s Workshop is for experimenting, too.”

4. His country club mistress

Santa makes and delivers toys in a single miraculous night, but come December 26th, the big guy is – frankly – all out of miracles.

After all, he’s only a man.

5. The Elves

Santa’s Elves say they worked permanent days through permanent nights, while Santa’s frenzy for toys only grew hungrier with the passing weeks.

Before turning the gun on himself, Santa destroyed as many as 27 elf slaves.

6. NORAD

While tracking Santa as we’ve done every year since the technology was invented, we noticed a decline in Santa’s enthusiasm for visiting ghettoes and favelas.

In recent years we also took notice of Santa’s marked preference for delivering toys to the little boys and girls living at liquor stores and known whorehouses.

So long, Saint Nick!

Where we’re going, we won’t need toys.

Obama seeks official declaration of war on Russia and emergency presidential election

Obama administration promised to respond to Russian hacking with "maximum force"
Obama administration promised to respond to Russian hacking with “maximum force”

INTERNET — President Obama’s spokesperson John Podesta told the nation in an emergency press dispatch, “Our military and intelligence agencies shared incontrovertible proof with the White House and the Armed Service Committee today outlining evidence of Russian hacks that led to the election of Donald Trump. The consensus is that these acts amount to a declaration of war against the United States and the United States Armed Services is preparing maximum force retaliation.”

“The president has issued a formal request to congress for official declaration of war against Russia.” Weeping and gasps of horror were heard as the spokesman continued, “Also attached is a request for authorizing an emergency presidential election.”

Arizona senator and Armed Service Chair John Mccain (R) also spoke to reporters, saying, “A grand jury is in the process of looking into treason charges against Donald Trump and a cadre of other alleged traitors among Republican elites. After going over the evidence, I’m very confident there are more than a handful of Republicans who cut deals with Russia years ago and should face the full penalty of the law. This is not a partisan issue, and anyone who says otherwise is only repeating the enemy’s propaganda.”

Also included in the draft bill by Obama is a clause that, when passed, will institute propaganda countermeasures such as a National Firewall capable of blocking “fake news” and all trolling out of Russia, which critics dubbed “The Great Firewall 2.0.”

Trump responds: Mothers Against Violent Videogames blamed Sid Meier’s Civilization series for Donald Trump’s cartoonish rise to power

civ2adBoredom advocate group Mothers Against Violent Videogames (MAVAV) came out in opposition on Saturday against the popular Civilization game series, of which there are now more than six installments.

The game’s depiction of cartoon powermongering and racially static world leaders teaches children it’s OK to indulge in dangerous lust for power, the group said. Top Trump advisers have repeatedly tried and failed to wean President Trump from his 18-hours-per-day gaming habit, but the Don was having none of it.

“I’m learning from this game, this is true,” Trump said. “And the more I learn about the barbarians to our South, the higher that wall gets. In this game, you’ve got to be tough.”

Melania went on MSNBC to express her frustration with Donald’s gaming habits.

“I warned him those videogames are no good. Donny wouldn’t listen,” the future First Lady said. “I said Donny, it’s time for bed. It was my breeding time. He said, ‘Just one more turn. I’m moving on Dido like furniture!’ He got hooked on Civilization II and hasn’t been the same since Brave New World expansion pack.”

Sources say the nearby barbarian village Trump inherited from the Obama administration no longer produces gold on each kill, despite early adoption of the Honor social policy that also grants culture bonuses for every killed terrorist. An injection of war funds will most certainly bolster our yawning economy.

“She said get off the game, and go to the library,” Trump said. “I told her ‘Oh, should I go to a library?’ Well, I know how you all feel about the barbarians to the South. I know it. I hear your voices. But if you think barbarians are bad, folks, wait until you go to a library. Because you know what they have at the library? Librarians.”

Monkeying around in VR

MAD DOG SWATTING AWAY TERRORISTS

 

Barrett Brown released from Prison — What has changed?

barrett brown diesel therapy tour bit train

Barrett Brown, who famously transformed into a spider and attacked Anonymous Anthropologist Biella Coleman while in the midst of a torturous Diesel Therapy, is set to be released from Federal Prison on Tuesday. Here’s a small list of the important facts he should know before tweeting plans for a legitimized, legal revolution.

  1. The largest Anonymous accounts are now in the hands of an anarcho-fascist fake political theorist, Heather Marsh. She writes crappy books and has the most inflated and bizarre wikipedia page of all time — even compared to Brown’s, which was propagandized in repeated edits by members of Brown’s Project PM. Read: Nobody really cares too much about Anonymous and it’s basically dead. Any operations done in its name can generally be filed under “fake news” and tend towards fascistic terror.
  2. Wikileaks is now a fascistic propaganda operation highlighting leaks that inspire right-wing fantasies of a Democratic party pedophile cabal (see “Pizzagate”). This parallels Heather Marsh’s Harry Potter fantasy operation #OpDeathEaters, which hilariously sought to rebrand pedophiles as pedosadists, because etymology determines the meaning of words (lol).
  3. During the election, the quasi-Mormon science fiction propheteer Christopher Nemelka donned the Guy Fawkes mask, declared himself the sole voice of Anonymous, promised to continue the neoliberal economic policies of the United States, and garnered millions of views in a viral youtube video that was nearly an hour long. Hit him up if you’re looking for a hit of Advanced Horse.
  4. The Anonymous-affiliated ‘Team Poison’ hacker Junaid Hussain, known as Tr1ck, was killed in a drone strike after joining ISIS.
  5. Sabu, the FBI snitch who Brown defended, has returned to twitter and can be trolled at @hxmonsegur.
  6. Andrew Aurenhemier, also known as Weev, is not just trolling and is an “actual” nazi. He peed his bed when it was reported that he is now a terrorist and consultant for ISIS. The so-called alt-right is a “race realist” white-nationalists-in-denial movement that throws out exuberant sieg heils at meet-ups “just for the lulz.”
  7. Andrew Breitbart’s ghost now haunts the white house, depriving Michelle Obama of sleep.
  8. Alex Jones’ right wing fantasia is a real, actual place where @realDonaldTrump is president of the entire world and that’s a good thing. The long expected revolution has finally happened, and now future terror attacks will actually not be false flags.

Trump to star in ‘The President’ a new Reality TV show on Fox

“Ye fyad”

TRUMP TOWER — Donald Trump announced he has assembled a press pool, in a move that shocked reporters. Traditional print and television journalists will not be given any access to Trump. Rather, he’s assigned several teams of reality television filmmakers to document his presidency.

Trump said, “I want to communicate with the American people. I want them to see the tough decisions I have to make and why I make them. That show will be The President on Fox, and it’ll start on the day I’m inaugurated. And on the very first day, you’re going to see. I’m going to be firing a lot of people. More than ever. It’ll be great tv and it’ll be a great America — just tune in and see it. I’m gonna Drain the Swamp.”

Other filmmakers will document his personal and family life. “Melania’s talking to Food Network. She’s a great cook. Wonderful. Another show, First Family, will air on NBC, and you’ll see the other side of me. I am a warm and caring father, and Melania’s just perfect. We’re good people. You’ll forget about all the lies of crooked Hillary. You’ll see.”

Come on down to Hole-Suckers on Southside and get your hole sucked

Tonight only, come get your hole sucked at Southside Hole-Suckers on Williamson Rd right next door to the Civic Center Arena!

hole-suckers

Hole-Suckers on Southside is now fun for the whole family. Get your hole sucked on Southside while the women watch. Hole Suckers on Southside is where Timmy becomes a man! Southside Hole Suckers – Get your whole hole sucked by the mouthside, on the Southside!

“I took my church group to Southside Hole Suckers and we had a lovely time. The staff were very friendly and treated us all (even the you-know-whos) like family.”

“I visited Hole Suckers on Southside for my buddy’s wake. It was depressing, because of the way he died, but that was through no fault of the good people at Southside Hole-Suckers.”

“I took my prom date to Southside Hole-Suckers – because we’re kind of the weird kids at school – and even though we are both virgins, my girlfriend is now pregnant. Thanks, Southside Hole-Suckers!”

Americans ripped from fantasy world ‘like babies from a womb’:

Donald Trump: Grabbing Pussies

ROANOKE, Va. — FBI agents claim two stoned American white men were “ripped like babies from a womb” following Tuesday’s election results.

Investigators who have been working on the case since Wednesday said the men appeared paranoid and terrified, as if they had seen some horrible aspect.

troubadour-delivers-baby

“It was like they were just seeing the world for the first time,” the agent said. He called it “the 9/11 of their time” – a point of reference in their timeline of social consciousness beyond which no innocence can be returned.

One of the guys was passed out in police custody, because he’s a pot-smoking CRIMINAL, but the other one was cool because he didn’t have weed on him, so he told Internet Chronicle how his world view changed:

I thought we’d come farther than this, man. I actually really thought we had come so far, we could get a career criminal elected into office over Archie Bunker. Turns out, I was wrong about a lot of things. Next time, I’m voting with my heart: I’m going Gary Johnson. Now he has a plan!

“They’ll never forget how they remembered America’s paranoid, racist history extending as far back as the 1970s, when white nerds killed disco, for which we have already apologized profusely.” federal agent Smith said. “Nor will they forget how flimsy a candidate can be, who deletes subpoenaed emails on command for her corporate power-lords.”

Internet Chronicle linguistics analyst and hate philosopher Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour believes in front loading attribution, and that blatant misuse of language itself led to the seemingly eternal crisis of political misunderstanding between the so-called Left and so-called Right.

“The words ‘liberal’ and ‘conservative’ don’t even have denotations anymore. They mean what people want them to mean,” Troubadour said. “These words are to be avoided at all cost.”

makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money, makin money’s for the words.

[Editor’s note: Remember Trump’s CRAZY response when the 60 Minutes lady asked him how many more tax dollars would be spent drone striking weddings?]

Donald Trump promises to pardon Snowden, Assange, and Manning

Donald Trump pardons American Heroes
Donald Trump pardons American Heroes

THE SWAMP — Sunday evening at a Republican fundraising dinner in Washington DC, Donald Trump promised to pardon Edward Snowden, Julian Assange, and Chelsea Manning.

Speaking to the group of neoconservative elites, Trump said, “These are people who have done good things, heroic things for America. Heroes. Meanwhile the Mexicans are rewarded with citizenship for having babies on our land, illegally. I think we need to change things around a bit, deny citizenship to all Mexicans forever. But first thing’s first, we’re going to build the wall.”

Trump even suggested he is considering appointing Snowden and Assange to positions in his cabinet, saying, “These are smart, smart people. Just look at what they’ve done for us already. Why are we going after them, rather than asking for their help? Think about it. If we spent as much time going after ISIS as we spend on them — well there wouldn’t have ever been an ISIS. I might hire them.

“Hillary’s emails were a disaster. Total. Disaster. That’s why I’m going to get Snowden be my Cyber General. I’m going to go to war on hackers and secure our computers. Don’t get me wrong, I love computers. But ISIS uses computers a lot, and we must be vigilant.”

“Assange, he knows so much. So so much. If anyone can help me to drain the swamp, it’s Assange. I think he’d make a great secretary of state.”