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Technology

AI logs keystrokes by sound alone, putting noisy mechanical keyboard users at greatest risk

Understanding the individual sound of keystrokes is important for undermining efforts by the working class to organize.

Even the Silent Reds are decipherable through artificial intelligence, according to a new paper by a team of researchers from British universities. Their paper on acoustic side channel attack, released last week, says AI can identify keystrokes with 95% accuracy through sound alone.

In the study, experimenters correctly identified keystrokes on a MacBook Pro, overheard through a nearby phone, 95% of the time.

Advertisers from Lebal Drocer, Inc. have already begun using the new technology to learn more about their customers through keystrokes than they ever learned overhearing conversations through the microphone about toilet paper.

Chief researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Consumer Studies, Albert H. Troudemaeier, said he was able to get his colleagues’ passwords during a Zoom meeting.

“No matter the context, if there’s a keyboard singing, this software knows the tune,” Troudemaeier said. “With recent developments in microphone technology, as well as deep learning models, the rate at which we can determine what our customers want, need — what they fear — has expanded by analyzing the very content of their keystrokes, enabling us to serve them better than we ever could before. It’s very powerful, and uses existing hardware access everyone has already agreed to it in the terms of service.”

Laptops are ideal vectors for analysis because of their portability. People take their laptops to work in public spaces like libraries, whorehouses, and university lecture halls, where the sound of typing is recorded, unnoticed, by every other laptop in the room.

“You can hide your screen,” Troudemaeier said, “but you can’t hide that unmistakable sound. We will find you.”

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News

Top streamer xQc dead at 27

xQc shocked fans this weekend by crawling around on his floor

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Félix Lengyel, better known as xQc. Mr. Lengyel was found dead in his apartment after friends became worried when he failed to go live for almost half a day.

Lengyel’s vast fortune has been disbursed to Blizzard Entertainment, Kick Streaming, and Twitch TV, as per his contracts.

xQc fan Herman Kilroy, a ninth grade student from Seattle, told reporters, “I was still going to watch but I was afraid to talk about him like we usually do at lunch. He was just so cringe, you know? But now that he’s dead, that’s kind of sad.”

Friends first became worried after xQC lost a debate with another content creator this weekend.

“After that debate, Félix was shaken. He came to hang out with me for a couple of hours and drink a few beers, which is very rare these days. I haven’t seen a lot of him. He was obsessed, he wouldn’t talk about anything else. He felt like Ethan had ruined his career and that he’d made a fool out of himself,” longtime friend Connor Morenstein posted to Lengyel’s facebook. “The rumor is that he hung himself with a microphone cable. Grim.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, media analyst with Google, told reporters, “We’re seeing massive fluctuating numbers coming through our content systems. My friend at Twitch says it’s the same over there. I’m afraid we’ve built our content up like a house of cards, canceling every potential franchise and promoting the most faddish nonsense for short term gains. This whole place is going to go the way of MTV.”

Categories
News

Nick Fuentes dead at 24 after swatting incident turns violent

Few mourn the loss of Nick Fuentes, who died in an altercation with Chicago SWAT responding to a hoax call originating from his apartment

INTERNET — Police report Nick Fuentes, antisemitic influencer, is dead after a hoax call led to a violent altercation with a Chicago SWAT team.

Police Comissioner Gordon Langley briefed the press, “Officers responded to a phone call originating from Mr. Fuente’s apartment that indicated a child had been abducted and was being held hostage. Mr. Fuentes resisted police efforts, and after reaching for a firearm, our officers had no option but to defend themselves with deadly force. We did locate a child in his apartment, and she’s been returned to her parents.”

Langley added, “Of course, investigations into the hoax call are ongoing.”

Fuentes was the founder and creator of the Groyper Movement, a trolling group which aimed to use internet humor to draw the Republican party further to the right.

After a business dinner with Donald Trump and Kanye West last year, the far right provocateur seemed to be a new political force in America. But Fuente’s star would crash dramatically this Summer after he announced his marriage to the 12-year-old beauty pageant gold medalist Sally McBroom.

Few fans remain to mourn the loss of Fuentes.

“For some reason, we thought he was just joking when he said he hated Jewish people and wanted to marry a little girl,” former Groyper Seth Cranston told reporters. “It was all just memes to open up the Overton window, drive us all a little to the right with meme magic. But next thing you know, he was bragging about legally banging a 12 year old every night on his stream. That’s when I realized, he wasn’t really funny. He was never funny. He was a seriously depraved political operative who only wanted to appropriate my culture. I really don’t think this could have ended any other way.”

Ex-convict and Republican dirty tricks specialist Ali Alexander, top organizer of the “Stop the Steal” rally on January 6th, is rumored to be behind the swatting of Fuentes. Milo Yiannopolis, a close personal friend of Nick Fuentes, told fans on his telegram channel, “Ali was insane with jealousy. He’d fallen out with Nick months ago, but seeing him get married was just too much. I don’t think he meant to kill Nick, but you know, shit happens. Whether he was behind this swatting or not, I can’t say. But I know his operatives called in the swatting on MTG [Marjorie Taylor Green]. It’s his thing.”