The Vice President is at it again. Joe Biden, who recently appeared in a video whispering sinister, cryptic messages into a young girl’s ear, faces new allegations from an unnamed group of 26 women who are breaking some 15 years of silence to accused the vice president of inappropriate conduct over several years leading up to the Barack Obama presidency.
The women, whose names will remain Anonymous, describe an alarming pattern of sexually abusive behavior from some of the highest-ranked members of government, including Biden.
“He made me drinks from his own cabinet,” one woman said. “He told me he could make me a star. But it turned out he wasn’t even in show business!”
Another woman said Biden forcibly penetrated her with a beer bottle. She said other political celebrities such as Janet Reno, Ken Starr, and even the president – if they had any conscience at all – could corroborate her story, should they confirm the allegations.
Biden could not be reached for comment. The disturbing video can be seen here (**TRIGGER WARNING**). Notice how the girl turns pale as Biden’s forked tongue tickles her sensitive, young ear:
As Vice President Joe Biden watches his political career slip the way of former VP Dick Cheney, he said he is prepared to do “anything” to shock the public into voting for him.
“It’s always Barry, Barry, Barry,” a lizard-like Biden told the packed West Wing of the White House on Monday. “I exist, too, damn it. I may not have the authority to launch a drone strike against innocent targets, but I’m just about ready to shoot a man in the face.”
The distressed Biden referred to Cheney’s 2007 hunting accident, in which the former vice president shot a man in the face, sending a powerful warning to Iran.
Biden said the trouble in which his frisky hands have landed him is tarnishing his golden aura, the winds of his otherwise predetermined 2016 presidency.
“So I touched them girls,” Biden said. “It’s not like I raped them, on camera, and distributed the video through the military TOR program. Stay tuned for that.”
Biden said since the death of Margaret Thatcher, he is having trouble finding a distributor for his illegal pornographic materials, and is currently exploring the self publishing world of TOR.
Obama background checks to predetermine likelihood of buyers shooting up a school
Vice President Joe Biden introduced a gun plan Thursday that he said will curb mass shootings.
Stan Milton, lead designer for the Obama plan, said the plan will institute software designed to comb through buyers’ histories, cross-referencing prior instances of gun-related crimes against humanity.
“With the right technology, we could even arrest buyers based on crimes they’re most likely to commit.”
The government is doing anything it can to demonstrate to the American public they are at least willing to pass impotent legislation designed to stem the attention of 24-hour news cycles.
“It’s an initiative like nothing I’ve ever seen this week,” said television viewer Christina Robinson, a 33 year old housewife and mother of two.
Milton said the scope of the Obama plan goes above and beyond background checks. If Congress adopts the federal initiative, he said, certain guns and components will become illegal, such as the part of the gun designed to point automatically in the direction of children.
“No longer will gun traders be permitted to sell weapons with child murdering technology preinstalled. Without these components, American guns can not be pointed at children.”