Month: May 2011

Stalking Brenda Song

Brenda Song is the fuckably-hot Asian girl from Disney’s Suite Life On Deck. Don’t ask why I was watching this because it won’t be covered in this article (click here for an explanation for why I watch Disney Channel at midnight).

In a flash of ~~delusions~~ insight, I thought, “I should ~~stalk~~ seek her out.” So I went on her website. Looks like somebody’s already one step ahead of me.

Some creep asking Brenda Song how best to stalk her — Location: UNKNOWN

But only one step ahead of me, though he clearly has his eye on the prize and puts my rapist ambitions to shame.

I found the above post on her message center (her guestbook). Believe it or not, it gets even better.

Brenda's Creeper — Just tell him where to mail it, Brenda.

I don’t even know what to say about this fellow. He posts faithfully, every day, and the screenshot you see here is his shortest post yet. By the progression of his messages, I predict total emotional collapse, coinciding conveniently with the Rapture set to take place Saturday.

And just when you thought the weirdness was too much to bear, this happened:

By this point, I just feel bad for Brenda Song. This guy Mickey – no relation to Disney’s cartoon mouse (I think) – has been trying to make their one-sided relationship work which, unbeknown to Brenda Song, appears broken beyond repair; all this, in spite of Mickey’s anticipation of their second love child (his words, not mine). Mick’s obsession appears to have lasted roughly two weeks, or the average amount of time necessary for a Hollywood stalker-rush to degenerate into angry masturbation.

The Suite Life On Deck is the reincarnation of Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, a show on the Disney Channel chronicling the misadventures of two latent-homosexual cousins.

After reading this, Brenda Song will resort to puritanical moderation of her website, before removing the comments section altogether.

Tags brenda song, disney, message, mickey, rape, rapist, stalker, stalking, suite life, wtf, zack and cody

News

END OF THE WORLD "CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH"

Post author By Hatesec
Post date May 20, 2011
3 Comments on END OF THE WORLD "CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH"

The End of the World is just around the corner, and for the first time ever, the predictions are not met with fear, but hopeful optimism that they are true.

“I want to die,” said 53-year-old Jacob Bremaur, “and I want everyone I know to die a fiery death. I deserve a reward for living a good, forgiving life in the footsteps of Christ, and the sinners who live among us deserve to rot painfully in eternal hellfire – especially Noam Chomsky, for saying that bad stuff about George Bush.”

With a wink of his eye, Bremaur added, “See you there, George.”

News of the Rapture falls equally on the apathetic minds of a culture in which religion and spirituality take the backseat to sexting, iPods and electronic sex organs.

Stan Rosenstein, social scientist and professor emeritus of Sexual Psychology said most people will not notice their friends’ and families’ ascent into unending blissful peace, especially those closely following Nancy Grace’s coverage of the Casey Anthony case now in full swing.

“The whole world just doesn’t give a fuck,” said Rosenstein, “because for a baby-killer, that mom is hot as shit. Though I concede that she may not have been quite as pretty while smothering her baby with chloroform in the trunk of her car. But nobody’s perfect.”

The Religious Right will keep their eyes to the skies tomorrow, where Lebal Drocer, Inc. jets are scheduled to spell out in chemtrails the hourly countdown to eternal salvation – or damnation – depending on whether or not you read the Chronicle.SU

Tags casey anthony, christianity, court tv, end of the world, may 21, rapture, religion

News

Pirate Party illegal in Germany

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date May 20, 2011
8 Comments on Pirate Party illegal in Germany

Two days before elections in Bremen, the Pirate Party’s internet servers were seized by police for criminal investigation. This application of police force is justified by allegations that Anonymous used a free co-authoring service, PiratenPad, which is located on the Pirate Party’s servers. Anonymous occasionally uses this service to coauthor treatises, press releases, and other documents. 4chan, the central command of Anonymous, remains outside of German jurisdiction.

Clearly, Anonymous has become a worldwide terrorist threat in the eyes of European and American government. To associate legitimate movements for internet freedom with Anonymous is a predictable tactic. However, the disturbing seizure of the Pirate Party’s web servers reveals a fatal error in German democracy. The sixth largest political party in Germany is the victim of a completely illegal political attack that it may never recover from.

The use of force to silence legitimate political movements is itself an act of terrorism aimed at the base of democracy. One wonders if the electorate might become infected with sockpuppets voting under realistic identities, as the internet has. If it is permitted for businesses and government to weaponize social media in order to shift public opinion, why not cut to the chase and use the same technology to rig the vote?

Voting for the Pirate Party will give authorities the right to seize your computers and raid your home for Guy Fawkes masks. If a single mask is found, you and your family will be imprisoned without trial, indefinitely. One day you’ll wake up in Guantanamo bay, where your favorite books will be defiled by grinning American soldiers as you lie naked on a concrete floor.