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News Special Interest

Mega-exclusive interview with Lulz Security

LulzSec sailed their LulzBoat into public waters today and Chronicle.SU reached them for comment. “Welcome to the bot-net!” exclaimed the limey young hackers. “You jelly of AnonNews, Chronicle?” After they revealed their British heritage, LulzSec mockingly adopted a French moniker, Pierre Dubois.

[pullquote]”Chronicle.SU Lies!” ~ LulzSec[/pullquote]

The truth of the matter is that a mouthful of Farmhouse bread with Cucumbers is the secret to the hacking skills of LulzSec. A simple Google search led us to the village of Essendon in Hertfordshire, UK, which is surely the home of Lulz Security. One member of LulzSec claimed his father was NATO’s Rapporteur Lord Joplin, author of the general report on information and national security. Final proof that LulzSec is a government project.

Claiming that “reckless” is not a word in their vocabulary, LulzSec was hesitant to comment on their recent bitcoin profits. When accused of pilfering from bitcoin pools, LulzSec admitted that only pirates like themselves would do such a thing. LulzSec has been extorting online business owners, stealing coins from pools, or mining their own. They are most likely doing all three things at once, among others we cannot even imagine.

As promised! Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec, and LulzSec Delivers!

[audio:https://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/LS1100671.mp3|titles=Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec and they make an amazing revelation about the j35t3r!]

Categories
Special Interest

Goodbye Internet

Hey folks. Media Mogul here.

I’ll be taking a long break from the Internet starting tomorrow morning and lasting until ????. I don’t give a shit about you and we won’t miss each other.

Enjoy your pornography, reddit and bitcoins.

This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Buy a child today!

Editor’s note: Media Mogul won’t be seeing this, then!

A man's life in these parts often depends on a mere scrap of information.
Categories
News

Why Chronicle.SU is completely irrelevant

In the wake of cablegate, one pathetic excuse of a blog decided to go to war on Anonymous. This blog is known as Chronicle.SU, and its writer(s) are insanely delusional egomaniacs who think they make a difference. There is almost no comedic value to this “satire” blog, which is dedicated to spinning every event in cyber war as a victory for the enemies of Anonymous.

This all began when a writer for Chronicle.SU was banned from the AnonOps #AnonNews channel for complaining about the threatening public relations of Anonymous. In response to this ban, the writer attacked AnonNews with criticism of their advertisement sales. This was met with massive derision from Anonymous, and the author claimed it was an epic act of “trolling”. We all knew he was just butthurt, so we left hundreds of hateful comments and veiled threats on Chronicle.SU to prove it, as their traffic spiked into the tens of thousands. We decided not to follow through with our threats because it would have just given the troll more attention.

This butthurt failtroll then released “dox” of himself in a desperate plea for more attention, after the initial wave of Anon hatred wore off. These dox included a gay e-mail to a gay ex-girlfriend, replete with the deepest levels of faggotry ever seen on the internet. It was posted on AnonNews hundreds of times, but the shameless Chronicle.SU continued its campaign of spamming anti-anonymous propaganda. The quality and style of writing were barely above Anonspeak. Anonymous now had its very own Rush Limbaugh, combining entertainment and propaganda in a single mind-warping RSS feed full of paranoid conspiracy theories laced with impossibly vast quantities of narcissism.

As a final act of complete desperation, the writer(s) at Chronicle.SU began a fearmongering campaign to scare Anons away from both AnonNews and AnonOps. Citing the privacy gap of Google’s reCAPTCHA service – as implemented by AnonNews – Chronicle.SU successfully scared away many negative commenters who were critical of their “satire”. Chronicle.SU broke a story accusing Barrett Brown of leading activists into the “FBI infested” AnonOps chat rooms. Brown retaliated by calling the writer at Chronicle.SU a faggot and subsequently quit Anonymous to continue his own project elsewhere.

Despite the “dox,” it is still not clear exactly who is behind Chronicle.SU. Some have alleged that they are a collective of unknown individuals who write only when they feel Anonymous has overstepped its bounds. Others believe they are a psy-ops campaign run by the CIA or the KGB. However, the “subversive” Chronicle.SU is not important at all, and has had no effect on Anonymous whatsoever. The most likely scenario is that Chronicle.SU is one angry butthurt faggot who got banned from AnonOps and is a virgin because he has no girlfriend. Also, he has no idea how to hack. Hence, Chronicle.SU is completely irrelevant.