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Uncontrollable Patriotism

#fuckyouwashington

That gray-haired fellow is absolutely right.

While I don’t agree with his decision to name people specifically (note: I don’t care who he actually named), I find it difficult to disagree with this man on all but one issue. The notion that politically-minded Americans willing to give campaign contributions to honest politicians will somehow outweigh the collective corporate dollar is, like Paul Jay suggested, Utopian. It’s just so far from realistic that we could give enough money to enough candidates to turn the tides against the forces that be (and cheat to exist).

It was so funny (creepy) to me when campaign people came by my house seeking campaign contributions on behalf of Obama, after it was already so clear that he had the best media team in the Presidential history. How is that? Lotsa fucken money, folks. More than all of us put together could ever have come up with in order to stop him.

And it’s a well-known fact of politics, as well as the main reason people hate and distrust Washington, that corporations have a lot of money they’re willing to spend on people they know will protect their interests – and there are sleazy assholes willing to betray their countrymen by accepting it (and still can somehow sleep at night). Well, it’s nice to see someone stating it so poignantly and my only hope is this kind of articulation becomes mainstream. How that will happen without “big media” – or without big media hijacking the movement is beyond the scope of my imagination.

Please, Gods of Reason. Rescue us all from this sea of shit, and get me off the boat of feces. Or, stand up and think for yourselves, America. But don’t look to me; for even as a man of peace, I see no peaceful resolution.

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News

Failed Social Engineer attempts to troll Chronicle.SU

Wednesday, trolls from “The Plan” spammed links on AnonNews as part of a false-flag attack meant to implicate Chronicle.SU in an act of hatred. This comes as a reaction to an editorial on Tuesday accusing “The Plan” of hijacking the Anonymous movement for secretive purposes. Before they were “The Plan”, this sect of Anons was known as Operation Empire State Rebellion and followed roughly the same revolutionary agenda. OpESR, as it is known, once attempted to “Social Engineer” me.

We at the Chronicle can put a second notch in the failed Social Engineering attempt bedpost. Early this morning, we announced we were under investigation, but we did not specify from whom. The not-so shocking answer is that “The Plan” has attempted to orchestrate an extremely melodramatic story in order to gain access to a Chronicle.SU account. The writer we are supposed to bring on board has had his web site “hacked” by Anonymous, and we’re supposed to feel sorry for him and his loss. Someone went through special trouble, producing the image below. My, how it tugs at my non-existent heart strings.

Hmmm, what sophisticated hacker with the ability to crowdsource extremely specific graphics would spend this trouble on totallyfalse.info? Oh, dear, "The Plan" is more mentally deficient than I ever thought.

But why has “The Plan” gone batshit crazy, spamming AnonNews with old Chronicle articles? Apparently they don’t respect the art of deception, because we barely ever engage in that kind of spam-happy behavior and we never post old articles. The simplest explanation for this behavior is that their plan has reached it’s ultimate failure, and they are only more desperate than ever to take us down with any means necessary.

“The Plan” intended to draw the sympathy of Chronicle.SU, so they created the fake news web site totallyfalse.info. Its writer, “Nick MacCombs”, has tried his best to win the trust of our staff, but has failed miserably. His exaggerated lack of basic prosaic ability and fawning desire for our attention were only modes created to elevate our massive ego. We’re already two notches above Charlie Fucking Sheen, bitch. Good try.

During the rise of totallyfalse.info, Chronicle.SU received a notable spike in traffic, but so did totallyfalse.info. In fact, totallyfalse.info got more traffic than Chronicle.SU.  “The Plan” must have been quite proud of their work. However, they have realized “The Plan” has not worked out, this time. We have been offering writer’s positions left and right, but not to Nick MacCombs. We do not mean to discourage any creative Social Engineers from contributing to our site via ChroniclePad, but know this: You will never be given an account.

“Nick MacCombs”, you are a fail. Next time, you may want to make the defacement a tiny bit more genuine. Telling me that your database and your backups are corrupted were the final tactical error, because I don’t give a fuck if you’re too stupid to backup your own web site. I don’t give a fuck if you’re too stupid to call your sysadmin and get him to give you back control of your web site. I mentioned that your web site was all on Google cache and you ignored it. Cry about it a little more.

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News

A very special interview with Perez Hilton and his boyfriend, Marcus Bachmann

While America is distracted by the proverbial debt ceiling, the gay children of Michele Bachmann’s constituents are killing themselves. The neverending “queer hunt”, as the Bachmann family calls it, rages on. We tried to reach Michele for comment, but only got her voicemail, nagging us for personal details and an outline of our agenda. We decided the next best thing was to try calling her openly gay husband, Marcus. His phone rang for 11 long minutes, but at long last, we heard the breathless panting of Perez Hilton echoing through his speakerphone. We were ecstatic, but confused. Why was Perez Hilton answering Marcus Bachmann’s office phone? Our investigative instincts took over, and out came the perfectly articulated stream of questions we so often practice.

The following is an actual conversation between Lebal Drocer investigators, Marcus Bachmann, and Perez Hilton.

LD: “Perez Hilton?”

PH: OooOOoooohhh, your voice is so gruff and manly!

LD: Is Marcus there?

PH: [In the background] sweetie it’s for you.

MB: Who is this?

LD: We are an elite team of therapists, specializing in breaking our nation’s youth of the homosexual curse.

MB: Well good gosh, there is a God! How would you boys like to come to my cabin in Spring Lake Park? We can discuss our work in my new jacuzzi, it has an extremely invigorating massage setting. [Groans from Perez in the background]

LD: Well mister Bachmann, we’re actually calling about the gay suicides in your wife’s district. We like how you were able to make them look like genuine suicides, and we would like your help getting these suicides rolling.

MB: Oh honey, it was easy. We had their friend’s facebook accounts hacked and cyberbullied them for about a week or two. We then hacked the queer’s account and posted suicidal thoughts.  Just before everyone gets genuinely worried, we sneak into their rooms and stuff their mouths with Viagra. I don’t have to tell you what happens next! We force feed them a handful of their parent’s pills, wait for them to expire, and let all the evidence fall into place.

LD: I like your style Bachmann, we could use a man of your integrity and biblical love of Jesus on our team at Lebal Drocer Inc.

MB: Sweetie, you’re gonna have to work HARD to get me on your team.

LD: [The sound of suppressed vomit]

PH: BABY come back to bed, Fudgy is lonely.

LD: [More vomiting]

MB: I’m sorry boys, DADDY CALLS!