Month: October 2014

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Categories
Obituaries

Hacktivist ‘Weev’ found dead in Lebanese gutter

Fans mourn and celebrate the loss of Andrew ‘Weev’ Auernheimer who was found dead Monday Morning.

BEIRUT—The puffy, bruised corpse of Andrew Auernheimer, known to fans as ‘Weev’, was pulled out of a drainage channel in Beirut early Monday morning. He was last seen clubbing on a rooftop, huddled in a corner and laughing with a group of friends at his laptop Sunday evening before disappearing into the night.

Weev recently served two years in prison on false charges pressed by AT&T after exposing — and not creating — a gaping security hole in their iPhone network. Weev fled the US for Lebanon because he feared a legal loophole that would undo his constitutional protection against double jeopardy, and Lebanon does not extradite to the US. Telecom analyst and legal expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “When you are a persistent threat to a big corporation like that and they’ve exhausted all the legal methods at their disposal, that’s when they take out the cheap and dirty options, and it doesn’t matter where you run or hide.”

Many former supporters and friends of Weev grew enraged over the weekend after one of Auernheimer’s trademark inflammatory opinion pieces percolated through social media, finally revealing the actual truth behind his hard-right White Nationalist beliefs. Previously, supporters had smirked at what they considered Auernheimer’s magnificent trolling, but now they believe that he authentically holds views that they cannot reconcile with their personal brand of left activism. Laurie Penny, rising princess of British Feminism, said that she now perceived Weev was “Not a figurative fascist. An actual one.” Molly Crabapple, whose politically-charged artwork inspires revolution everywhere, said she “Misjudged sincere belief as trolling.” One of Crabapple’s prints, titled “#OpPornPixie” was found plastered to the wall just one block from Weev’s corpse, leading some to speculate that he was murdered by an outraged Molly Crabapple fan.

Rumors that Weev was collaborating with Islamofascists circulated over the weekend also, leading yet others to speculate that Weev was categorized as a terrorist and, meeting all the parameters for execution without trial, was beaten and killed by special agents from the US government. Dr. Troubador speculated, “No one will ever know who got to Weev because so many people were gunning for him, and they did what appears to be a typical, clean job.”

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Categories
Politics Technology

Kim Jong Un shut-in, “addicted to gaming”

PYONGYANG—Petulant rumors percolating after reports by Western media outlets slandered benevolent North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, falsely suggest the glorious leader has been deposed by his own cabinet.

But accoding to official sources, this rumor is Western propaganda. “Kim Jong Un is very proud of the liberal DPRK landscape, where healthy, legal marijuana grows as freely as elections,” an anonymous official stated on the trusted DPRK news site.

This is the last known photograph of Kim Jong Un sitting upright. Kim, now bed-ridden, is gleefully addicted to massively multiplayer online role-playing games.
This is the last known photograph of Kim Jong Un sitting upright. Kim, now bed-ridden, is gleefully addicted to massively multiplayer online role-playing games.

The Internet Chronicle is pleased to report that not only is Kim Jong Un in top health, his aides indicate the dictator is safe and in charge on a bed composed entirely of living people, enjoying the finest Swedish pharmaceutical products.

Sources close to the Supreme Leader said the media frenzy surrounding his whereabouts have deeply agitated him, driving him further into terrific madness.

“He gets so bummed out when his advisors say he has to trot out and keep the people excited,” said Cho Seung Whuey, personal guard to Kim Jong Un. “He’s like, ‘let me keep playing CoD guys,’ and ‘fuck this.’ But yeah, that’s where he’s been. Gaming off.”

Blizzard Entertainment, creators of the popular Diablo, Warcraft and StarCraft franchises, said they recently investigated growing bandwidth use tying up their servers and emanating from North Korea.

“[Kim Jong Un] is responsible for 100% of the country’s traffic to Blizzard, operating one of the largest guilds in World of Warcraft and decimating South Koreans in both Starcraft and Starcraft 2 under the username DearLeader007,” Edward Nomura, Blizzard’s spokesperson, said.

Kim Jong Un’s epic bedridden gaming binge has once again popularized the Jouse 3, a mouth-controlled advanced joystick-operated plug-and-play solution for quadriplegics, which Un ordered after doctors installed a heroin drip to soothe his bed sores.

An inspired Kim Un got the idea after witnessing the great success of twitch.tv streamer NoHandsKen, who plays MMORPGs using the Jouse 3.

“Now he can just lay there like a fucking invalid,” Whuey said, “and continue to level up.”

Whuey praised Great Leader’s efficiency. He said he routinely feeds Un Cokes while the dictator, connected to various tubes and monitors, lies practically motionless aside from his constantly twitching mouth.

“For a while we had him hooked up to feeding tubes and a catheter,” Whuey said. “He looked like Darth Vader. We thought it was really cool.”

But Whuey said the catheter offered Great Leader little in the way of sexual creativity.

“He was laying on a human bed afterall,” Whuey explained. “So I said, ‘Why not just plug your dick into one of those young girls from the villages? You spend all this time gaming out on the human bed, so why not enjoy a human catheter?”

“Every so often he will thrust his hips,” Whuey said, “And you can tell he sort of enjoys that, sort of half-banging that young lady, and using her as a toilet also.”

Some medical problems have arisen by no fault of the leader. The girl has begun to yellow from jaundice, Whuey said, and became sick from Un’s waste.

“She appears to be dying from an extremely preventable embolism,” he said. “It is the kind of thing that can be avoided under normal circumstances, but this was best for the country.”

Journalist and geopolitical expert Geraldo Rivera said the People’s Revolution and Juche Ideology did not fully disseminate into Un’s heightened consciousness, but was attenuated by generations of inbreeding.

“He’s a third generation dictator,” Rivera, who is a noteworthy detractor of the DPRK, said. “By the time you get that far it’s all a life of delusion.”

Nancy Grace has publicly condemned the dictator’s salacious lifestyle, saying his decadent fantasies-come-true are a distraction from world politics.

“If you ask me,” Grace said, “he probably spent too much time a-layin on that human bed and not enough watching his empire.”

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Categories
Editorial Hate

Hacker and Troll ‘Weev’ Flees America for Gaza

Why is everybody so upset by this run-of-the-mill Nazi?

GAZA—People flee the United States after being wrongly imprisoned all the time, many after facing false charges stemming from a big telecom company’s sheer hatred.

Maybe they just posted something negative online about the telecom company or got frustrated in their hellish phone labyrinths. But Weev is one of the tens of thousands of people in exile from telecoms who we’ve actually heard about, and he’s moved to Gaza to join Hamas — all because while in prison he faced a brainwashing scheme instituted by AT&T’s corporate prisons that pulled a nasty double-trick on him.

Don’t believe it? Snowden’s released a “Bonus Round” of secrets hacked from the CIA. Firstly, hired actors surrounded Weev in his prison and forced him to believe that the too-liberal US government was primarily to blame for the deplorable conditions of all things, radicalizing his beliefs. Of course, the type of anti-government beliefs forced into Weev are the dominant belief system of the majority of people in the United States and he already believed it a little bit, so it did not take very much brainwashing to push it to the level that it triggered his nervous flight from the country to its worst enemy.

Snowden’s Bonus CIA leaks showed that the CIA calls this kind of expatriation the “Devil’s Mark,” and it is one of the best indications that the brainwashing has set in to the point of complete control. Weev fled to join Hamas in Gaza at the height of a wave of Islamophobia and received his “Devil’s Mark,” just as Lee Harvey Oswald received his, fleeing to the Soviet Union at the height of McCarthyism.

As every American is taught in public school, at the advent of World War 2 the US suffered from an immense technological disadvantage with its enemies in Germany and Japan. However, the US was not too far from many of the worst aspects of Nazi ideology.

Power was more than ever concentrated in the top executives and many states instituted Eugenics laws which euthanized thousands of rural Americans, who were often deemed retarded and euthanized just for speaking in their local dialects or for their traditional American subsistence farming economies outside of the dominant capitalist and education systems.

This was a genocide of the true indigenous European American race. Few of the old whites survived, and many that did were only brought into the dominant system by other means. Perhaps Weev is one of the last, but he seems so much more one of these scary new nightmare “whites” obsessively homogenized through government human spaying and neutering programs. Who’s to say if that’s more or less sinister than the system in Nazi Germany?

We all know that Christianity made a taboo of usury and in a sense determined that bankers must be Jewish, and then in Germany they turned to their version of a mass produced eugenics system to pump up capital and homogenize their culture. It’s violent means for the same ends, a near mirror-image, the only difference being circumstances and degree. The Japanese Americans were prepped up good for a final solution in case things went bad, but things went okay where they didn’t in Germany.

The two most heavily charged third rails in American politics are, tellingly, Nazis and Muslims. Nazis are America’s evil twin, and to be like a Nazi is not even an outlandish thing in the white United States — even the most liberal-seeming commenters are reformed Nazis shedding stern white tears. It is only unacceptable to label oneself a Nazi. And Islam is another mirror-image demon phenomenon. As far as doctrine, geography, literature, social organization, and so on and so on, Christendom and the House of Islam are two feuding siblings, opposites only in their own perception and near-twins to everyone else. Of course it wasn’t enough for the brainwashers to emphasize Weev’s anti-semitism and anti-Christianity by sending him off to Gaza, they had to take it a step further.

Through their mock-prison brainwashing program, they made him into a self-declared Heathen (A parody religion based on Christian literature recounting Heathen oral traditions) which is in the eyes of Americans far worse and even more opposite of Christianity than Islam (Islam is arguably less theistic and more rational than Christianity as its central figure, Muhammad, does not mix the divine with the human (Is the Angel Gabriel God’s sex avatar, doing unimaginably powerful and strange things to a virgin?!))

The feds did a hell of a number on Weev in his fake prison, and whether they performed a kind of political deactivation or set him up to be the cyber version of Lee Harvey Oswald, the world is yet to see.